I'm new - can I introduce myself?

[AllysonD]

Just a quick note to introduce myself - I am Allyson and I am from Louisiana. On April 13, I lost my only brother. He was 26. He had recently been in a car accident and shattered his arm and had to have surgery to place pins and metal plates in it and reconstruct his elbow. He lived in another state and when he started physical therapy and could not drive, he came to stay with my parents. For 3 months they had been taking him to therapy and he was recovering. He was staying with some friends one night and they came home from work to find him dead on the floor. We dont know why or how. My parents wont get the autopsy results so we have no "closure" (is that even a real thing??)

Anyway I have been looking for a group like this (I think internet would be better for me than a real life support group) and I look forward to meeting you all.

Allyson

[Lonnie]

Hi Allyson: This has been a great place for me, and so many others, to share my feelings, to vent, to cry, to get help, etc. Please check out the Sibling Loss Board as well. Also, you may want to tell your parents about the Child Loss board. There are wonderful, caring people on all of them.  Why will they not give your parents the autopsy results? That's not right. I am sure that they feel the need to know the information. The circumstances of his death make no sense at all. I am sure everyone was completely shocked. Please join us anytime, and there will be others along soon to greet you. Lonnie

[Crushed]

Your brother was so young and I am sorry for you and your family. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. I lost my husband in a one car accident on Feb.6,2007 The autopsy did not show the cause. I have come to the realization that it really doesn't matter if I know what happened or not... the results would be the same. The counselor that helped me accept the accident said that we don't have to understand, just accept. I don't understand what closure  means. I don't think that I have felt that with any loss that I have lived through. I have eventually come to peace with what happened and gone on with my life. i am working on that now with this loss. This site has been a great help to me and has been a life saver. We will support you in any way we can. I am thinking of and praying for your family.

[AllysonD]

I'm sorry - I should have been more specific. In my state (Louisiana) you have to request the autopsy results. My parents havent done that yet. There is no problem with them releasing the information, my parents just dont want to know or cant.

Thank you both for your very kind words.

I am so sorry Crushed. How long were you married?

Yeah, shocked was not even close to what we felt. He left behind his parents, sister (me), brother in law, a young neice and a fiancee.

[Crushed]

 It was 43 years Dec. 27, 2006. I feel for you and the shock when you heard the news, it is indescribable.  Your emotions are all smushed together and it will take a couple of months for them to level out so that you can begin to process what has happened.  If you need help from your doctor, please ask for it. There are good meds. out there. I couldn't do it on my own and still can't, but the meds are helping me do what I need to do. Immediate counseling and this site saved me and continues to do so. We are all here for you.

[laurenE]

Allyson,

I'm glad you found us but so sorry for your brothers death.  I hope you find comfort here as you walk this road of grief with us.   

Just a suggestion...maybe your parents can request the autopsy results and have them placed in a envelope to be opened when they are ready,  or when other family or friends are ready to see it.   At least it would be there  as an option.     

Anyway,  I think knowing something helps and yes does bring somewhat of a closure.  It doesnt make the pain any less but it answers questions,  an explaination.  and in grief there often are many questions, some forever unanswered.  I hope not for you though. 

I hope you continue to come here for support

[Sad Eyes]

Oh Allyson........I am so sorry that you have lost your brother so suddenly.  Sudden deaths leave a person with so many unanswered questions.  My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Take care and remember you have lots of shoulders to cry on.  When you need something, someone is always here to lean on.

[Autumn Leaves]

We're all here to listen and talk Allyson. We've been there and know what you're going through. I know about the autopsy stuff because I had so many questions about my husband's death and his death certificate was rather vague. The autopsy answered so many questions and raised even more questions and was opposite the death certificate.

It took me three months to get the autopsy report and every time I called I was given a different answer so I was totally frustrated by the time I got it and the first one I got was someone else's autopsy report. I finally got my husband's and it had some incorrect information. It took another month to get that corrected.

We'd been married 35 years (it would have been 36 years in 18 days) and he'd been in poor health due to back surgery complications including sepsis and other life threatening infections and an incompetent doctor and uncaring case managers. I would have liked to sue but there wasn't enough incompetence, must uncaring, and too many other doctors involved. The specialists kept passing the buck saying it wasn't their problem or their specialty or their decision or whatever their excuse and the primary doctor left early on a sabattical so we were bounced around doctors for six weeks until the new primary doctor took over. Then there was the battle with the case manager who's answer was usually "no" and wanted to discharge from hospitals against medical advise and who cancelled prescribed home treatments.

Other than that, I'm glad he's no longer suffering but angry at certain doctors and am afraid to go to a certain hospital or deal with those doctors and am hesitant about having any urgent or life-threatening medical treatment through that medical clinic for myself.

[Lonnie]

Amen Ruth! That is exactly the situation we find ourselves in as well. The incompetency at our hospital is despicable, and it is the only one in our city. I really feel like they killed my dad. Sad, but true. So I know what you mean about that. Lonnie

[Autumn Leaves]

Lonnie, I think the worst part is that we know what's happening but we won't have any control when we're the patient. At least we had a bit of say (for all the good it did) when our father/husband was the patient. At least we could talk to the doctors (for all they listened) and ask questions and write down their answers. I documented a whole lot of stuff and made sure everyone I spoke to saw me writing. lot of good that did though. i often wished that i could be there all the time though because I knew he got better care, better response from the nursing staff, when I was there and when they knew i was there because I complained to the nurse manager a couple times. Unfortunately, I didn't have the family/friend network to have someone at my husband's side 24/7.

[jazzgirl]

Hi AllysonD, I, too, lost my brother in Jan of 2006. He died of suicide. He was my only brother as well. I have a sister, but it is not the same. My sister is 8 yrs. younger than me. My brother was 1 1/2 yrs. older than me. I just turned the same age as him this past June. I don't even know if I am suppose to say he is older or younger. I wish he was here to share life with me like we use too.

I'm glad you joined the board. This group has been fantastic for me. It is very hard for me to get to a group place. This seems to be so  convenient for people. Plus, it is hard for me to speak in front of people, even though i am a waitress. I don't get it, but it is what it is.

[AllysonD]

I know how you feel Jazzgirl. It is hard for me to speak in front of other and I am a teacher!! I mean I teach kindergarten so its only little people but I had to make a speech at graduation this year and I was terrified.

I like it here.

[Autumn Leaves]

I don't usually have any problems with public speaking but nearly froze up when I had to make a presentation in front of my supervisor and her boss as well. That was a bit intimidating. what I learned in speech class in college was to locate two or three friendly looking people on different sides of the room and address your comments to them. it helps, usually.

[kelly37]

Hi!  I also lost my brother.  It was 6 years ago in June.  He died in a motorcyle accident; he was dead on arrival.  He was 37 years old.  He was shown on my mom's birthday and buried on the 4th of July in 2001.  The thing that makes his death even worse to our family is that his wife was 35 weeks pregnant with their first son! 

I don't know where to go in this site as I lost my brother 6 years ago and my dad died from injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident last July!!!  They both loved their Harley's but to have them die the same way is unbelievable!  When my parents continued to ride without my brother I always thought "it'll never happen again" but I was wrong!  My dad hung on in a hospital for 18 days, then he passed away!

I need to talk to help me get through this.  The year is coming up for my dad's accident and I'm having problems coping.

[Lonnie]

Hi Kelly: Feel free to come to the Main Board and the Sibling Loss Board. You will find wonderful people at both places that will understand and listen. You have endured so much, and telling your story will help with your healing. Please stop by any time, and share with us more about your family! Hugs-Lonnie