Author Topic: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize  (Read 4870 times)


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Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« on: June 18, 2007, 08:04:13 AM »
To all my friends,

It has been a difficult couple months for me.  I just haven't been myself and the loss of Chrisitan has hit me harder than I guess I was prepared for.   This would have been his graduation from high school year and everyone has been having parties, seeing kids his age all excited about graduating and what they will be doing.  My daughter (some know she is not my real daughter, but in heart) was asked to leave the house in November because of behavior.  She wouldn't talk to me for months until about Mother's day, she called and wanted to go out to lunch.  She seems to be trying to make amends. 

Amy (my daughter) asked me to come to graduation.  She and Christian were in the same class.  I couldn't say know, but stuffed all my feelings in.  I was so angry that they didn't even mention Christian's name.  Like he was never in that class or never existed.  If infuriates me to know end.  I work, go home, work go home, and so on.  Nothing seems to make me happy and it is a struggle every day to get out of bed. 

Anyway, I wanted to come on line and tell all of you that I have "our" children's calendar in my office and I am always looking at it and seeing all of the angel and birthdays,  It's amazing how close I feel to all the kids. 

So blessings to all of you and I hope I will be more able to be on line,

love you all. 


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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #1 on: June 18, 2007, 08:39:49 AM »
CRCMom (Paula?),

I know exactly how you feel.  This weekend I had to go to a double christening for my cousins grandchildren.  My cousin (and best friend) has 3 sons who Cory looked so much like.  People used to ask if they were brothers (in fact, just teasing, my husband would ask me if my nephews father was Corys).  Seeing my nephews and their mannerisms reminded me so much of Cory, especially the facial structures (strong jawlines, light hair and tall, slim frames runs in my family).  Mostly, I sat back and observed.  This was one of the few times that I went out socially and to be honest, I think it will be awhile before I do it again  because yesterday all I could think of was how much they all were alike and that Cory should have been there.

I just want you to know that you are not alone and will be in my thoughts.



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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2007, 09:25:18 AM »

My heart hurts for you and I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time .
We received  graduation invites from several of Wade's senior friends this year and I had a tough time with handling  that.   Just  being invited to the graduations &  the after grad. parties and BBQ's.  It was a sea of emotions.  So I can not imagine what it will be like when Wade's classmates graduate in 2009.
 I truly understand why you are angry that they did not mention Christian's name at Graduation. I really wish they would of too.
  My thoughts are with you.



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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2007, 12:36:55 PM »
Dear Paula,
I am so sorry that you've been having a rough time lately.  I wish your son had been mentioned at graduation, too.  Don't ever be "sorry" just because you haven't been here in a while.  I understand.  Take care,
Elaine (Brynn's mom) 
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Karen Paul

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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2007, 01:29:15 PM »

I'm so sorry my friend.. gosh.. senior year is so tough.. Chris should have graduated in 2005..all the events surrounding that were so difficult.. the pain of them not mentioning Christian is too much.. if only they had a clue how much that small gesture would have meant..

I am glad to hear your daughter (in heart) is trying.. I hope she continues to.. as that is another type of loss to deal with..

I want you to know that I think of you and Christian often and even if you can't post often.. do check in to let us know you're still there.. we worry you know.. sometimes there just are no words..

luv and hugs,

Chris' aunt


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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2007, 03:28:35 PM »
Paula, While I can't know the pain of losing a child to death, I do know the pain of having to ask one to leave home. My adopted daughter (at age 3) recently turned 18, and she is very rebellious, and would not comply with our rules, so we asked her to leave. She truly made our house a war zone. She is living at her best friend's house for now, though I fear on borrowed time. She was asked to move out after 2 weeks because she wouldn't comply with their rules concerning curfew, etc. But they relented for now and let her stay. It IS a loss of another kind, isn't it? (She was a senior this year, and did not graduate with her class because she failed a required honors course-Economics. She is dragging her feet doing the online summer school to graduate as well.) She just refused to do the necessary work, and it was the correct decision for the school to make.  We put all of our love and energy into her for so many years, and of course we worry about her and miss her. But we just couldn't take any more. We never had trouble with drugs or promiscuity (praise God) but the attitude and drama just wore us out! We are having dinner with her tonight to celebrate a late Father's Day. Just wanted you to know I understand that part. I am so sorry that they didn't mention Chris as part of the graduating class. Seems like there are so many things to further cause you pain. Know that I am thinking of you and your sweet son. He has the nicest face and his eyes are so expressive! I pray that you find some peace in the days to come. Enough for each day. Hugs-Lonnie (Main Board)


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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2007, 04:40:25 PM »

No need to apologize, we all do what we can, when we can.  How I know what you are feeling.  Philip died the summer before his senior year and I find myself each year that May approaches just sort of screaming inside.  It is hard and it hurts.  I didn't go to his class graduation and haven't gone to any graduations, just can't.

Having to ask my own daughter to leave the house after Philip died, I sure can relate.  She made horrible choices, she did come back to us but frankly things with her are  a little rocky again.  We just have to do what we think is best at the time.  Just so very hard.  They also make their own choices and sometimes we just can't protect them from themselves.  It is hell just sitting back and watching them make mistakes but I guess this is how we learn.

Just know that we are always here for you and I know that I am so thankful for all that helped me so on this journey.


Maureen, Traci's Mom

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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2007, 06:42:21 PM »
Hi Paula,

I'm sorry it has been rough for you lately.  I know I would've been quite upset if they didn't mention my child on the year they were supposed to graduate. 

I also have a son who gave up in January and was supposed to graduate in May.  It turns out he decided to not go to school at all in Feb and half of March.  I didn't find out until it was too late.  He failed all his classes.  He isn't a bad kid, and I know losing his sister put him through hell.  I am proud to say he took the 2 classes he needed to get his diploma through an online high school and will receive his diploma.  My son will be turning 18 on Wednesday, and I think I am freaking out about it, because that is how old Traci was when she died.

I hardly post any more either...but I still read the posts from everyone.  I wish we could give you the biggest hugs!  Hugs help me sometimes when I am down.

(((Hugs)))  Maureen, Traci's Mom

Traci's Graduation picture 2004

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2007, 05:38:46 PM »

I am so sorry for your pain and that Christian's name was not mentioned.  This is all so hard, too hard!  Adam should have graduated college this year and I too am having a difficult time with all of the parties and ceremonies going on.  Our boys should be here and we should be watching them with pride.

Take gentle care of you. 

Love and hugs,