Author Topic: First anniversary  (Read 5693 times)

LisaM

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First anniversary
« on: May 29, 2007, 11:13:07 AM »
Today is the first anniversary of my brother's death.  He committed suicide by shooting himself in the heart.  I could not even bring myself to go to work today.  He was  not married and besides his critizing mother until the end, I am the only one that he had to talk with.  I never saw it coming and the guilt is there everyday.  Some are better than others.  The hardest part is that no one I talk with especially at work, does not understand why I still grieve.  Not sure how to make them understand.  I miss him very much.  I lost another brother to a massive coronary a year and a half before.  I think that hit him pretty hard which was another contributor to his depression.  I still have questions.  I have one brother left and our mother is now in a nursing home.  I can't even bring myself to go visit her.  I blame her for my brother's suicide.  She was very hateful to me and him and could never say anything nice!!  I am not exaggerating!  I know that she is the only mother that I willl ever have, but, I still can't bring myself to forgive her for his death.  My heart goes out to everyone that has had a loss.

jazzgirl

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Re: First anniversary
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2007, 01:09:03 PM »
I do understand what you are going thru. My brothers wife was the same as your mother. Always criticizing no matter what he did. Every time I called there, she would either be in the back ground yelling at him to get off the phone or she would answer and never let him talk to me. It would make me so mad because I wanted to speak to him, not her. I do blame her also for his death. I think if she wasn't nagging day in and day out, he wouldn't have felt so bad about himself. He already had a self esteem problem. She just made it so much worst for him. It really makes me sick to see her remarried and another child already so soon after his death. It makes me feel like she didn't ever love him at all.

Do not listen to those people telling you that you should be over this by now. This is not something you get over very easily. My brother did this Jan. 1 of 2006. I still have bad days quite often. This site really helps to go on. 

For the new year this year,  my husband and I went out without the kids and went to some friends house to a party. It helped to put his death in the back of my mind, but it was still there.  My mother and sister decided to stay home and just talk. I couldn't do that. My brother would have been out celebrating. In fact, the day that he did that, I think his night just wasn't as exciting as he wanted  it to be.  I felt so bad too because my parents and my aunt were up here celebrating and we didn't even call him to wish him a happy new year. I was just picking up the phone to call him the next morning when my parents called me to let me know what happened. We didn't know the details at that time. We just knew he died. We found out on the drive there that he had hung himself in the back yard.  His wife found him at 8 a.m.

I try not to think of that last year of his life because it was so hard on him. His wife and him were fighting quite a bit and were talking of divorce. I just want to choose to remember his happier years.

I just want you to know that we are all here for you. This is a good place to vent and let it all out because we all understand.

Thinking of you,
Jazzgirl

LisaM

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Re: First anniversary
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2007, 01:43:41 PM »
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! I guess what bothers me the most that I can't get out of my mind is finding him that way.  That is a sight I will never forget.  For almost a whole year I have not cared about anything.  Finances went really crazy and bill collectors do not really care about what your situation is.  I have slowly started in the past couple of months getting my situation back on track.  I really dreaded this day for about a month now.  I try not to listen to the people at work but the words still hurt when they say things like that.  It is really only one person in particular at my job that says those things. 

I will also be thinking of you.  It does help to be around people and doing things that wil make you feel better about coping with your loss.  You have to cope with it your way and no one elses.

Lisa M

jazzgirl

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Re: First anniversary
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2007, 09:40:05 PM »
Did you find your brother? I guess I can say I was blessed that I didn't find him like that. I heard, though, from his wife and his neighbors about not being able to get the image out of their head. We had to give his neighbors 1 good picture of him so that he could keep looking at that one to forget about the other image he had. It is hard enough for me to forget seeing him at the funeral home in a casket. It just doesn't seem fair.

My step mother in law is the one that is always telling me I should be over it by now.  I don't really speak to her a whole lot because it seems like whenever I bring anything up about any of this situation, she always has a negative thing to say back and it just isn't healthy to listen to people like that. My parents go to counseling and they say to just not talk to those who are saying stuff like that. Who do they think they are anyway? Until they have gone thru it, they shouldn't say anything.

I know what you mean about not caring about life. I keep trying to pick myself up again when I see myself slipping into that routine. There is a song that I listen to that says "We live, we love, we forgive and never give up cuz the days we are given are gifts from above and the days we remember to live and to love" . I have really had to listen to those words and each day I try to remember that, but it does get hard. Especially when you just want a break, but the bills just keep coming. Your right about bill collectors. They don't care about anything going on in your life. It seems like the world just revolves around money anymore.

Well you take care and I will be thinking of you too. It is nice to be able to talk to someone else who has dealt with suicide.

Jazzgirl

Sad Eyes

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Re: First anniversary
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2007, 06:05:12 AM »
LisaM,

My heart goes out to your for your tragic loss.  When a loved one is lost in such a way it complicates our grief process.  I lost a brother to murder and still have lots of "issues" with the way he died.  I am so sorry that you had to be the one to find your brother.  I can't imagine how you manage to cope with the pain.  I would give counseling a try if I were you.  I did, it helped me to feel as if I was gaining some control back in my life.  I found that the "well meaning people" who always want to talk to me and give me advice about how to handle my life since my brother's murder have only made me feel much worse. Jazzgirl, nobody should ever be told to "get over it", this is the one thing that people have said to me over and over and it really hurts!!!  I'm sorry that you too have to deal with that ugly phrase.  A tragic death isn't something that a person gets over, it something that we find a way to deal with.  I know my situation isn't the same as both of yours, but the shock from a tragic loss isn't easy to handle.  You guys take care, lean on each other...........you will find comfort by sharing your losses.

wings

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Re: First anniversary
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2007, 06:31:13 AM »
dear lisa, anniversary's are very difficult, you are often propelled back into intense feelings of loss and despair. Know that what you are feeling is normal, no one should tell you how to feel. Be kind to yourself! grief is hard to deal with and even more so when the loss is through suicide. My sister commited suicide 3mth ago, the pain can be intense, my thoughts are with you. Sending healing to you with love.