So tired of hearing this question...so tired of having to answer it...so tired of trying to figure it out!
I know those who dont walk this path will never understand it and yet I often wonder why they are so interested or intrigued by it. I have heard it all..."I just dont know how you do it." "How can you be so strong?" "I could never survive burying my child." "How do you do it...how do you do it?
"
Those are all the same things I said before it happened to me...because I never thought it would!I thought my children were immortal, safe. That it would always be someone elses...never mine!
It has hurt so much lately..right back to the same pain I felt the day I buried my boy. I miss him and keep looking at the photos of his smiling face and hope beyond hope it is not real, that somehow, someway the last 35 months have been a nightmare, some surreal ongoing bad dream that I am going to wake up from. I have been crying more and more, missing him more and more, wishing more and more that it was all so different!
I guess the answer to the question of how do I do it is..I dont know! I have no clue how I have gotten through the last 35 months without my precious Charlie. I dont know how I survived when they came to the door and told me my son, my boy was dead. I dont know how I stood for hours as 100's of people came to say goodbye to my boy. How I stayed alive how I managed to breath as I walked away from the casket at the cemetery knowing this was it...this was goodbye. I dont know how I get out of bed every day knowing that for the rest of my life that no matter how great things are..how healthy, how successsful and loving my other children become, no matter how well my husband and I are doing financially, no matter what that every moment of every day is overshadowed by the fact that he is gone! That true, pure happiness will never again be a part of who I am, that my life is now referred to in 2 sections "before the accident" and "after the accident."
I have no idea how I do it..I only know that I have to because I cannot let my other precious kiddos down!I love them as much as I love their big brother who would only want what is best for them!
I dont know how I do it, I dont know how we all do it, I just know that lately it seems to be getting harder and harder and somedays I just dont want to do it anymore!
Thanks for letting me vent! Thinking of you all and our precious kiddos tonight!