Author Topic: How do we do it?  (Read 4374 times)

MelissaCharliesMom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 711
    • View Profile
How do we do it?
« on: May 22, 2007, 09:29:08 PM »
So tired of hearing this question...so tired of having to answer it...so tired of trying to figure it out!
I know those who dont walk this path will never understand it and yet I often wonder why they are so interested or intrigued by it. I have heard it all..."I just dont know how you do it." "How can you be so strong?" "I could never survive burying my child." "How do you do it...how do you do it????"
Those are all the same things I said before it happened to me...because I never thought it would!I thought my children were immortal, safe. That it would always be someone elses...never mine!
It has hurt so much lately..right back to the same pain I felt the day I buried my boy. I miss him and keep looking at the photos of his smiling face and hope beyond hope it is not real, that somehow, someway the last 35 months have been a nightmare, some surreal ongoing bad dream that I am going to wake up from. I have been crying more and more, missing him more and more, wishing more and more that it was all so different!
I guess the answer to the question of how do I do it is..I dont know! I have no clue how I have gotten through the last 35 months without my precious Charlie. I dont know how I survived when they came to the door and told me my son, my boy was dead. I dont know how I stood for hours as 100's of people came to say goodbye to my boy. How I stayed alive how I managed to breath as I walked away from the casket at the cemetery knowing this was it...this was goodbye. I dont know how I get out of bed every day knowing that for the rest of my life that no matter how great things are..how healthy, how successsful and loving my other children become, no matter how well my husband and I are doing financially, no matter what that every moment of every day is overshadowed by the fact that he is gone! That true, pure happiness will never again be a part of who I am, that my life is now referred to in 2 sections "before the accident" and "after the accident."
I have no idea how I do it..I only know that I have to because I cannot let my other precious kiddos down!I love them as much as I love their big brother who would only want what is best for them!
I dont know how I do it, I dont know how we all do it, I just know that lately it seems to be getting harder and harder and somedays I just dont want to do it anymore!
Thanks for letting me vent! Thinking of you all and our precious kiddos tonight!

lainie

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 181
    • View Profile
    • www.beheartstrings.com
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2007, 10:27:40 PM »
I am only 141 days into this horrific journey and I don't know what keeps me going, just to get out of bed each day.  I hate my life now.  I guess it really never, ever does get any easier.  I don't have any other children or a husband.  I feel like this is some sort of slow torture that I'm living now.  It is so hard to try to get by.  I hate it when people say, "oh you're so strong", the reality is, I'm not.  I understand truly what you mean already, Melissa.
Hugs to you from my broken heart to yours,
Elaine (Brynn's mom)
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2007, 05:49:54 AM »
I so agree with every word you wrote. It has been 20 months for me and I think it is getting harder. I too wonder how I go on and WHY I bother.

In my thoughts,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Karen Paul

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1181
    • View Profile
    • Chris Bascom Memorial
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2007, 06:34:02 AM »
Melissa

I think people ask these questions in an attempt to understand.. but in reality they cannot.. it is too big.. I know that I cannot understand what it is like for you parents.. for my brother.. for Amy.. because I have not lost my own child.. all I know is that it is a loss that encompasses all aspects of our lives.. and that as far as being strong.. just surviving is a major accomplishment..  .. at first there is shock, which allows most to function on some level.. enough to do the things that need to be done immediately.. but as time goes by.. the shock wears thin and "reality" settles in.. and the real anguish of living every day without your child begins.. I cannot fathom it.. though I try with all my might..

But unless you "choose" to go too.. there is not much choice involved.. just getting through each moment and each day is enough.. for a long time.. and I hold each of you deep in my heart and wish for "hope" to return some day and for the memories of your child's life to become a joyful thing to dwell on.. rather than a sad thing..

I do not think I will ever be able to get around the what should have beens and the future we all looked forward to with Christopher.. so how can I expect my brother or Amy to do so.. it is not realistic to me.. and what I hope we can do is keep talking about Chris and remembering all the great things about him that we love so much and know that that love we all shared with him is not dead.. it lives on..

I am rambling now.. so I'm going to stop.. I guess what I'm trying to say is.. please keep trying all of you.. take care of yourselves as much as you can.. and remember there are so many people who love you and care about you and hold YOU in their hearts.. our hearts.. you are all precious too.. as your children and I feel blessed to have "met" you all..

luv and many hugs,
Karen, [mom to fuzzies: Emma Fiona, Samantha, Tabitha and Red Legs (the horse)]

proud aunt of Christopher







Donnys Dad

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 551
  • Donny At Football Hall of Fame, Another Great Trip
    • View Profile
    • Donny's Memorial Website
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2007, 07:13:02 AM »
Melissa, I know all so well how you feel.  It is 35 months for me also and it is hurting more than ever.  I too talk of life before Donny left me and after he left me.  This life after is not a life at all.  It is getting thru the day as we must for the rest of our family.

Please know I am thinking of you and Charlie.
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Sharon - Dawn's Mom

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 131
    • View Profile
    • http://dawn-ankney.memory-of.com.
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2007, 05:56:41 PM »
Dear Melissa,
It's been 32 months that we lost Dawn...it hurts every day and I don't know how I have gotten this far on this journey.  Somedays I think when am I going to wake up and wonder why, why, why I can't just accept that she is really gone.  It is a nightmare that's for sure.

Thinking of you and your precious son Charlie with lots of love and hugs tonight.
Sharon - Dawn's Mom Forever

LuAnn

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Mel and Drake
    • View Profile
    • Mel and Drake live in my heart
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2007, 04:28:33 PM »
I. too, have been asked how do you do it. Having lost a grandson, son and nephew in a 3 year period has taken its' toll on me. I was sitting in a small group of people when one of them asked how do you do it? One of my friends responded for me saying she doesn't have any choice; she is a hostage.  I couldn't have answered any better. Of course, I do have a choice and the reality is that I choose to continue living for my other children but I am a hostage to my pain.

My son once promised me that eventhough he was suicidal over losing his precious 5 year old son he would not take his own life because he didn't want me to feel the daily horror he felt. He did end up dying from a drug overdose and now I carry his pain each and every day. It is relentless. I know that I will never, never be the same.

laurasmom

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
    • View Profile
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #7 on: May 28, 2007, 04:29:21 PM »
I don't know how I do it, or how any of us do it.  It will be 4 years une 4th, and it has not gotten any easier.  I guess it's just that none of us have any choice.  But I do know I am ready tp die anytime. I don't worry about when it will happen, because it can happen anytime.
LOIS
Lois, Laura's Mom

Marianne

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 460
  • Alek's Mom
    • View Profile
Re: How do we do it?
« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2007, 06:56:52 PM »
Dear Melissa,

It was so strange reading your post.  As I read, I could anticipate the next phrase- because that is exactly how I feel.

Walking this sad, lonely path along with you.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)