Author Topic: Please tell me it gets easier  (Read 10121 times)

Lisa26

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Please tell me it gets easier
« on: May 10, 2007, 06:04:47 PM »
My father just passed away on April 29th. Right now I am not sure how I will ever function like a normal person again. At just 60 it was way too soon for him.

My father was a wonderful man, worked two jobs for over 30 years to give my family all we needed. Two years ago he retired and right after he retired he got prostate cancer. Luckily he made it through the cancer, but afterwards he was having anxiety attacks and stomach problems- we think he was so afraid the cancer would come back. His doctor put him on sleeping pills, pills for his stomach and just this year - an antidepressant.

On April 29th, while me and the rest of my family were at the March of Dimes Walk my father killed himself - hung himself in the bathroom of my parents home and my mother found him. At 60 years old she had to kick the door to the bathroom in and cut his 6 ft, 190 lb body down and then she got to be interrogated by a bunch of police officers about where she was that day and how she found him. He left a note telling us how much he loved my mother and me and my siblings, but he could no longer live with the pain and did not want to be a burden to us. He was sorry and asked us to forgive him. Which I do.

But, one of the worst parts of all of this is the feeling of regret, thinking what could I have done to save him, to help him, how did I not notice this pain? Was I blind?
And not having the chance to say goodbye to one of the most important people in my life hurts so much.

The other feeling I am afraid will consume me is the anger. My father never had mental health issues, suicide attempts or even talked of suicide. He was a very happy guy who loved his wife and kids, his grandkids - I have a 10 month old son he saw every week or so as we live close by. He adored my mother - still after almost 40 years of marriage he never forgot a birthday, anniversary or other holiday and always gave her the mushiest, sweetest card. They were true soulmates.

The worst part is I know it was not my father that chose to take his life, but it was that drug. I researched it and it is linked to suicidal thoughts and attempts. I am sure all people touched by suicide want to think that their love one could not have meant to leave them - but I know my father must feel such regret for all he is missing now, he would have never done that to himself and to my family. And that makes me so sad for him, to know he worked so hard his entire life only to get hit with cancer and an early death beacuse of those damn pills.

He will never give my sister away at her wedding. He will never get to hold the child I am pregnant with. That is the other really hard thing. About a week after my father died I found out I was pregnant. I am trying to be strong and not let the stress affect my pregnancy but I am having such a hard time. I have a husband and child to take care of and am afraid I am letting them down. And, I am having a hard time being excited about this pregnancy - I feel so heartless. It is bittersweet.

My mother is so angry at him still. She said to me today - "We were supposed to grow old together, how could he leave me?" What do I say, I don't know why or how - suicide leaves you with nothing but questions - there will never be answers.

I have to go back to work on Monday, how? I feel like I am living in a daily fog. I am mad at the sun for shining at the flowers for blooming at the people around me who can go about their daily, mundane tasks like going to the grocery store or out to lunch. Don't they know my dad is dead?

Someone, please tell me it gets easier, I am not sure how I am going to cope with this and be a loving wife, mother, sister and daughter again. I feel broken.








 
 























jazzgirl

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2007, 06:23:31 PM »
Hi Lisa, I am so sorry to hear about your father.  How hurt you must feel. My brother hung himself Jan. 1 of last year for his wife to find him in the back yard when she woke up to a new year. I was where you were at and it seems to get easier. You will surely have a roller coaster ride ahead of you. I too was in a fog for about half the year. Then my emotions have been up and down every since then. I too have children. It is very hard to hide those feelings. You shouldn't. It is normal for you to not feel excited about anything right now, but it will get easier.  The pain never seems to go away though. 

Our family too asked so many questions and we all came to our own conclusions just to settle our minds. They seem to all be the same though. The important thing we continue to tell ourselves is he is no longer in pain. It still doesn't make me miss him any less though.

Don't beat yourselves up too much about there being anything you could have done. When they are in that suicide mode, they are not thinking clearly. We like to call it a sickness. They just see no way for happiness again. My brother tried calling my husband and I on both phones, but didn't let them ring thru. He called my sister and it rang, but this was at 5:30 a.m. and she was doped up with cough medicine. We beat ourselves up for awhile, but it didn't bring him back. 

Your father sounds like he was a wonderful man. Just keep his memory alive. A thought that has helped me thru this ride is each day that goes by is just 1 day closer to seeing them again.

I hope this has helped a little.

Jen, Jay's lil sis

Crushed

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2007, 07:16:26 AM »
Hi Lisa, I am so sorry that you have to go through this journey. I understand what your Mother is thinking. I lost my 64 year old husband to an accident in Feb. and we too were to grow old together and not leave each other. You all are in such shock and your emotions are all smushed together and you are wondering and trying to figure out so many things. I hope that you can find a professional to talk to and help you begin to sort things out in your mind, and just accept. That has been a great help to me and my family. My girls and their families are doing well, as will you. You have not only the loss of your daddy and worry for your mother, but the raging hormones. It will all settle down for you with time. You also have your husband to lean on. LEAN! Your Mother's world,as she knew it, has been destroyed and that takes time to accept and figure out how you want the new one to be. It will come in time and for now putting one foot in front of the other can be the best you can do. When friends ask what they can do, tell them and take the help. It will help all of you. Praying for all of you, Crushed

LornaL02

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2007, 01:17:22 PM »
Wow, Lisa!!! That would be so hard to deal with. I have faced some depression and suicidal thoughts in my time, and I can agree with the others that it is a sickness.

I recently lost my granddad, who was like a father to me. It will take time, but it does get easier. The pain won't go away, but it will fade. You won't forget what happened, but it will also fade. Take it one day at a time and know that you have friends here to help you through.

mom23kidsco

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2007, 01:36:52 PM »
I too lost a father to a suicide.  The pain does get easier to deal with.  I was at work. I tried to call my husband as I did every night.  The kids answered the phone and said that thier Dad had left.  Just as I hung up the phone and I mean I hadn't even taken my hand off of the phone when my boss came in and said there was a man to see me.
I went to the office and there was my husband standing there. He told me that we had to go because something had happened to my father. I asked him what was going on. Luckly my cousin work there and had an office.  He took me inside the office and told us both that my Dad had tried suicide.  I left the factory not knowing weather he was alive or dead.
When we got to my mother's house it was like walking a guantlett. My Dad had hung himself in the garage.
You can't beat yourself up with what if's. They can kill you. I had a nervous break down and was in the hospital for 2 weeks.
The hardest thing they had me do was write a letter to my Dad.  I wrote every hurtfull thing and all my anger. Then I read the letter to my Dad's picture.

mom23kidsco

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2007, 01:47:49 PM »
Sorry this is so long it took two posts.
It helped me to begin to heal.  It does get easier but there are days the anger comes back to haunt me.  It was over 20- years ago.  The day my daughter got married was one.  He was not here to share the first wedding of the family's grandchildren.
Then there were the births of my grandchildren. 
You are feeling all the pain and anger now.  When you hold your new baby you will feel the love you don't think you can now.  When you hold your son you are holding the best reason to go on.  The new lives you have been intrusted with is God's promise that the world will go on.
One more thing.  Take it easy on your first day back at work.  I don't know what kind of job you do. The hardest day will be that first day.  You may have people hovering over you to make sure you are ok. Then you will meet the people who think that you should be over it.  Do what YOU need to do to get thru the day. YOU are important not them. Do what you need to to get thru the day. Feel free to e-mail me. Some time when you are stronger I will tell you about my son I lost. Love and prayers to your whole family.

ange26

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2007, 03:37:34 PM »
Dear Lisa

please be kind to yourself and let those around you love you through this terrible traumatic time, reading your post my heart went out to you, You have so much and to return to work as you are feeling must seem like a mountain to climb. I read how you are blaming yourself and feeling guilty, how could you have known that your Dad was going to take his life, you clearly were a close family and yet we feel as though we should be able to know everything and read minds, we do beat ourselves up about every detail, I know I did when my brother was found, he had died alone and lay for 2 days before he was found. I thought of every reason why I should have went to him or been there. It is just so terrible that we have to suffer this endless rage of emotions which literally whipe us out, we feel that the world should stop turning, like that poem...Stop all the clocks, Your Dad must have loved you all so much, and if he was ill he made a choice at the time in the illness, I know that does not help and your anger and helplessness are a statement of your love and loss, missing him, needing him and wanting to let him know that you all feel alone, empty and devastated. Your Dads life is not all for nothing, the times you described in your post show a kind, loving and beloved Dad who shared wonderful times with you all. You are doing all you can to survive this tragedy in such difficult and unbelievable circumstances. Know in your heart that your Dad loved you, you loved him, your Mums heart is breaking and you will need to love each other through this, and during times of 'bad days' we can find that in the depths of pain our inner knowing and strength bonds us closer to those we cherish. I send my love and will be praying for you and all your family, that you all find strength, peace and gentle comfort each day. My pain did become less in time, I felt as though it would not, I could not plan, I could not function, it took a while but the despair lifted. I felt as though the fog lifted and I could breathe a little easier. Everyone on this site shall read your words and be there for you, to help carry some of your heavy burden, they will be a friend for you whenever you need, and I will be one of them. Thinking of you

Ange


Lisa26

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #7 on: May 12, 2007, 07:44:01 PM »
I just want to thank everyone for all for your kind words of support and advice, and for all the prayers for myself and my family. And, while I do not wish this kind of pain on anyone, it is comforting to know I am not the only one who is hurting and that I am not alone in this. Both of my siblings have come home for Mothers Day and we are going to do our best to make a good day for my mom.
Happy Mothers Day and thanks again, you are all very kind.








Autumn Leaves

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #8 on: May 13, 2007, 01:20:30 PM »
While my husband didn't kill himself, I often feared he would. He had just turned 60 befire he died and we'd been married 35 years. We had plans to travel, taking a cruise or two, getting a RV and traveling the country, all when he got better. Unfortunately, he never got better. He'd been bedridden for a year prior to his death and hospitalized many times during that year. I have a difficult time remembering him when he wasn't ill or in pain or when I wasn't taking care of him.

I had much anger at the doctors who didn't properly treat my husband (for a year he suffered from a combination of antibiotic resistant infections that attacked his bones and blood and caused an abdominal abscess that eventually killed him) as well as the medical clinic case manager that denied home treatment and medical equipment or prematurely ordered discharge from convalescent homes. He finally received the care his condition required at the University Medical Center but it was too late. He ended up there because the paramedics insisted he be transported to the hospital closest to the convalescent hospital when they were called because he was suffering from an acute GI bleed.

The doctors would treat one condition only to have something else happen. There were so many medical complications, conditions all the previous treating doctors hadn't been able to treat or even diagnosis.

I was having problems at work during this time and it was all overwhelming.

It does get better though. It's been six months and I've basically gone on with my life. No matter how bad things get, they do get better.
RJ

Dewayne

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2007, 11:43:00 AM »
My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Dewayne

Hope

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2007, 06:59:00 AM »
Lisa, I'm so sorry that you've experienced the loss of your father.  Especially in that way, especially after what your family had gone through in dealing w/his health.  I'm sorry that you're hurting so.  I lost my mom at the end of Jan 2007.  I can tell you that I still hurt & am pretty new in my grief, but that lately (maybe over the past several weeks) I have felt like "myself" more often than before.  I have really tried to take as much time as I have needed to do whatever it is that I have done.  I haven't rushed myself or pushed myself to make decisions or accomplish anything big.  I've tried to talk about how I feel (both here & w/my family & friends). That has all helped me.  Now, almost 4 months after my loss, I can see some glimpses of light & joy.  I'm not in the haze that I was in at the beginning.  I feel like I'm ready to start doing things again outside of my home.  I went to lunch w/my sister last Fri & w/a dear friend (who lost her own mother last May) yesterday.  It felt good to get out again.  Today (if I feel up to it) I'm planning on surprising the kids w/a trip to go see Spidey 3 after school.  No promises, just if I feel up to it.  I think it gets better & easier.  Take care of yourself.  I'll be thinking of you & praying for you.  -Hope

Crushed

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2007, 04:04:38 PM »
I am finding facing and accepting my husbands death is getting easier. It has been 3 months since his accident and I have lived thru the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I have gone on and I have had the gift of laughter, as have alot of others who post here. It is so helpful and gives me hope to read the posts and to know that we are feeling about the same way.
Today I went to a beautiful public garden with a friend and could feel my soul being filled with the beauty around me. The tempature outside is perfect, the flowers in bloom, and the birds singing so happily.... even the geese honking and being joyful. How can I not appreciate life in these surroundings?  I love dragon fly's and one flew just ahead  ahead of us for awhile and then landed just in front of me on the path and I stood and just looked at it  with the tears  streaming down my face .  After it flew away I had the most wonderful feeling of peace and well being come over me. My friend and I were by a bench and so we sat quietly and I told her how I was feeling and she validated my unspoken thoughts by saying," you know, I think it was.....( my honey's name) paying a visit. We walked on up the path, but no more dragon flys. What a joyous day this has been. I came home and took a nice long nap , the longest I have slept yet  without meds.  I made limes into smiles today, Thinking of all of you, Crushed

jazzgirl

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2007, 09:06:36 PM »
Crushed,
I know what you mean about noticing the simple things in life more. After my brother died, I noticed the black birds in the sky. They seem to be always around. They just sore in the air without even flapping their wings. It's funny, but when you think about it, the things that give us the most peaceful feelings are the things that God has made. I always thought the ocean was a very peaceful place. Nature is just such a beautiful thing also. I like watching the squirrels playing. We have a few bird feeders out also. We get cardinals and blue jays alot. They are so beautiful. Blue Jays don't seem to be very nice though.
I do believe what your friend said about your hubby coming to visit. I went to a friend of mines funeral about 10 yrs. ago and while they were doing the ceremony out in the grave yard to bury him, we were all starting to pray and a butterfly landed on the grave stone around the crowd and stayed their the entire time and when the prayer was over, the butterfly flew around several times and then flew away. I didn't say anything, but another friend of mine brought it up and a 3rd friend saw it too. It was just amazing.
I wander if it is like their spirits and they can just jump wherever they want. It's funny how you think about what the other side is like so much now, huh. Part of me just wishes I could look thru the window to just take a peek.

Autumn Leaves

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Re: Please tell me it gets easier
« Reply #13 on: May 19, 2007, 10:13:11 AM »
I think we become self-centered just to survive, to help us focus on what we have to do and to get through the day without surrendering to the overwhelming grief we are feeling. We don't notice all the little things, the beautiful things, that are around us. Gradually, as the grief becomes slightly less overwhelming and a bit more manageable, we begin to emerge from our shells. We then notice the people who've been most helpful or kind to us, the smell of flowers, nature, sunsets, music, the things we used to enjoy. We slowly come back to life, like the plants in my yard that I thought were killed by our winter frost. They're smaller than they were but they're growing again and I expect they will regain the shape and size they had last year.
RJ