Dear Lisa
please be kind to yourself and let those around you love you through this terrible traumatic time, reading your post my heart went out to you, You have so much and to return to work as you are feeling must seem like a mountain to climb. I read how you are blaming yourself and feeling guilty, how could you have known that your Dad was going to take his life, you clearly were a close family and yet we feel as though we should be able to know everything and read minds, we do beat ourselves up about every detail, I know I did when my brother was found, he had died alone and lay for 2 days before he was found. I thought of every reason why I should have went to him or been there. It is just so terrible that we have to suffer this endless rage of emotions which literally whipe us out, we feel that the world should stop turning, like that poem...Stop all the clocks, Your Dad must have loved you all so much, and if he was ill he made a choice at the time in the illness, I know that does not help and your anger and helplessness are a statement of your love and loss, missing him, needing him and wanting to let him know that you all feel alone, empty and devastated. Your Dads life is not all for nothing, the times you described in your post show a kind, loving and beloved Dad who shared wonderful times with you all. You are doing all you can to survive this tragedy in such difficult and unbelievable circumstances. Know in your heart that your Dad loved you, you loved him, your Mums heart is breaking and you will need to love each other through this, and during times of 'bad days' we can find that in the depths of pain our inner knowing and strength bonds us closer to those we cherish. I send my love and will be praying for you and all your family, that you all find strength, peace and gentle comfort each day. My pain did become less in time, I felt as though it would not, I could not plan, I could not function, it took a while but the despair lifted. I felt as though the fog lifted and I could breathe a little easier. Everyone on this site shall read your words and be there for you, to help carry some of your heavy burden, they will be a friend for you whenever you need, and I will be one of them. Thinking of you
Ange