Author Topic: Putting the pieces together again  (Read 7168 times)

jazzgirl

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Putting the pieces together again
« on: May 03, 2007, 01:58:55 PM »
This is my 1st time on this site and I just am having a hard day. I'm not usually this angry, but today is just an angry day. I thought maybe someone who is going thru this could help me handle this. It is just a hard day for me.

I lost my brother to suicide Jan. 1 of last year. He was having trouble in his marriage of 2 years. This was his 2nd marriage. He has 1 boy from each marriage. This 1st wife cheated on him right in front of him and turned around and married the guy. They have 3 kids together and now they have my brothers kid. She is making it extremely difficult for us to see him. I feel like we not only lost my brother, but we are slowly loosing his children as well. The wife he was married to started seeing someone 5 months later and got pregnant and married to him. She just had the baby a few days ago. She is the one who found him hanging in their back yard. She just cut the tree down and continued to live there, now with her new family. They are already starting to have problems. They have split up once already. She has threatened him that he will never see his kid if he didn't move back in. I see this playing in front of me and it shows me what my brother was going through with her. They were on the verge of divorce when all this happened. Her mother works for a lawyers office and has apparantely put it in her head that she holds all the cards with a child. It is just sick that these women can just be soo cruel to people.  I know the Lord would like us to forgive and turn the cheek, but how do we do that?

I'm sorry for sounding so angry. I'm not an angry person in general. I guess because the oldest boy is turning 10 and his birthday is this weekend, all these emotions are coming out. His mother told my parents not to bring alot of people because she can't afford to feed everyone, which I understand, but the rules are not the same for everyone else. The 2nd wife is bringing all of her family and quite a few of her friends and the mother has invited her entire family and friends as well.  It makes me sick to see the wives getting along so well now after my brother has died. They fought like cats and dogs when he was alive.  I know it is a good thing though for the boys sake. It is just hard to see. 

Please help me understand how to handle this a little better.

Jay's lil sister,
Jen
« Last Edit: May 03, 2007, 02:20:35 PM by jazzgirl »

Matts little sister

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2007, 08:44:25 PM »
Hi Jen,
I am pretty new to this site, I lost my 29 year old brother Matt on February 15th, 11 weeks ago today.  It seems like I also do not know how I am going to feel day to day.  Every day is different for me.  Some days I feel like I am handling it well then the next day I can't hold the tears back when I think about him.  I  am sorry about you losing your brother then on top of that having to deal with his wife and ex-wife.  I really don't understand how some people can be so thoughtless and cruel.  I wish I had some advice but just know I will be thinking about you and hope the best for your situation and for your nephews. 
Courtney (Matts little sister)

jazzgirl

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2007, 07:05:31 AM »
It really is a roller coaster ride. I am usually crying alot on my hard days. It seems to get somewhat easier as everything goes on. It's just when you think it gets easier, something happens to make you wish he was still here. It seems like whenever I start to wish he was still here, I start thinking about how miserable he would be if he was still here and at least where he is at now, it is eternal peace. It is very hard for me not to be mad at his wife. I don't even know if I can really call her his wife because 5 months later, she was already pregnant and remarried.  Every time I start to miss him, I just think this is 1 day closer to being with him again. I often wander if things will be the same in heaven as they were down here.  I do feel his wonderful personality is still with him. 

Since he has died, my sister, who is 8 years younger, has moved closer to be near me. We have never been real close and her and my brother had become close before he died. It's funny how life works because he and I got alot of time when we were younger. He was only 1 1/2 years older than me. We got to go on alot of vacations together and school also. I got my time when we were younger and she got her time when he was older.  It's been a hard road for my sister and I. We are just like oil and water. Their have been many fights and arguments since she has moved here, and in just a few months, she is going to move 14 hours away. My parents are also going to be moving with her when they sell their house. I just found out yesterday my Aunt is going to be moving also when she sells her house. I know this will be a good move for my family so there not in the middle of the town that has so many memories. It is very hard for my parents to be around everyone that we grew up around. I will miss them dearly.  The emotions that go along with all the grieving seems to drag me down.

ljcs

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2007, 12:59:35 PM »
Hi Jen. Welcome to the board.  I think you have every right to feel every emotion that you do. I find myself feeling different feelings all the time.  Sometime, even at the same time. (does that make any sense? lol) I've lost both of my big brothers a little over 2 years apart. (my brother John in a fire in Aug. 2004 & my brother Jay to acute bronchopnemunia in Dec. 2006.) You right, it definitely is a rollar coaster, sometimes I'm not even sure how to hold on...but somehow, we do.  I think it's ok to feel angry...especially considering the situation with his wife. I'm not sure that I can offer any words to ease your pain or anything, but I can let you know that you're not alone. I can also say that it's ok to yell, scream, cry...sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get through our days.  You're right...everyday is a day closer we can be with our brothers. I've never really thought of it that way, so I'm glad you said that.  Sometimes I'm jealous that my brothers are up there with no worries and are happier than ever, and we are left down here trying to get back to whatever sense of "normal" that we can, ya know?
R.I.P. JDJ 1980-2004 & JWJ 1974-2006. My bros are back together again - oh my is Heaven in trouble. :)

jazzgirl

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2007, 08:12:49 PM »
I know what you mean about wanting to be up there with them. I have asked God several times to just beam me up to home so I can feel peace again, but then he shows me yet another reason to want to be here for now. There is a song I have to keep replaying in my mind that says "We live, we love, we forgive and never give up cuz the days we are living are gifts from above and the days we remember to live and to love". I feel this song was made for my family. It is just the forgive part seems to be a struggle. 

I am sorry to hear you have lost both of your brothers. How alone you must feel. I have a sister left whom is 8 yrs. younger. We were never really close because we were at different places in our lives. My brother was 1 1/2 older than me so we were kind of in the same boat. My sister and I have tried to become closer, but it seems the more we hang out, the more we bicker so right now we are keeping our distance and only talking a little at a time. I hate it being like this because you never know when someone is going to be out of your life. She has got a case of depression in her like my brother had and I worry sometimes if she will ever go so far as my brother did. She is a single mother though of 2 kids with no help from the fathers and I think she will continue for that reason alone.

Since my brother has committed suicide, I've looked at life so differently. I have made sure that if I can make the time, I will to see people in my life instead of getting caught up in the rat race and just saying I don't have the time. I seem to be more willing to make the time because you never know when the last time is that you will see them.

Sad Eyes

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2007, 12:33:26 PM »
Hey Jen,

It' really hard to put your life back together after you have lost a loved one in such a tragic way.  You have my sympathy for the loss of you brother and for the hardships that you have to endure with his ex wives.  Dealing with the aftermath of a sudden death is so hard, it's only natural is feel anger towards the situation.  Speaking for myself, the anger that I feel about my brother's death comes and goes.  I never considered myself to be an angery person before my brothers murder.  I don't cope well during my angry times.  I do find that it helps to talk with others who are dealing with some of the same issues.  People on this board understand and we all can use a shoulder to lean on.  Take care and let all of us know how you are doing!

LisaM

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #6 on: May 29, 2007, 11:21:56 AM »
Hi Jazzgirl,

I am going through a similar situation that my brother commited suicide and this is the first anniversary.  It has been exactly a year.  He has never been married and there are no children.  I will think about you in my prayers.

jazzgirl

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Re: Putting the pieces together again
« Reply #7 on: May 29, 2007, 12:54:19 PM »
LISA-
Do you ever get angry at your brother for doing this? I do sometimes because I see what is happening to his boys, but it is hard for me to stay mad at him because he was hurting so bad to do something like this.  I also wander what it is like for him on the other side because he chose to take his own life. It really does raise alot of questions when they take their own life.