Hello everyone,
Thank you Brenda.....I appreciate it that you remember Craig's angel day.....Yes, 4 years ago we lost our Craig, our hearts and our life as we once knew it.....Have I moved forward with my life? Just a little bit......I have got a long ways to go before I feel comfortable in this "new life"...........I am just so heartsick today......
I miss Craig more than I could ever describe and I love him more than I could ever say in words.....I love my other kids and my husband immensely but Craig and I had a bond that was special......
My youngest son, Seth, burned me a cd of music today.....It was such a thoughtful gift....As a listened to the music, I felt good that I could honor Craig and play music in remembrance of him but on the other hand I cried out for him when I listened to the Eagles, or Chicago (he loved the Karate Kid), or incubus or Linkin Park or Evanescence (that was the last cd he wanted before he died)or Allison Krause (When you say nothing at all was their song).....I was so heartsick today and so incapacitated with sadness and longing for my son.....He would hate it if I didn't remember him in a good way and he would say, "enough already, ma!" but I can't help but be a mom who is sad and lonely for her son........
I wanted to go out and buy 4 white roses to symbolize 4 years of being apart and an angel, but I couldn't.....I wanted to have Cori (his girlfriend) come over and watch "Survivor" with us (it was their favorite show) but I just didn't feel like company.....I wanted to sit down and remember everything I could about Craig but the tears just won't stop today......It's weird, the days leading up to this day were not hard but this day just stops me in my tracks......I just can't move......It has just been tooooooooooo long since I've seen him and held him and heard him speak.......It is just harder for me this year...........Am I learning to live with my grief? Yes.....but I have carried it inside so much deeper and it seems so much larger to me because it just seems that memories of Craig have diminished for everyone else......If that makes sense? My husband went to substitute teach at the high school today......the first time he has worked on May 3rd.....All the teachers gave him hugs and told him that it must have been hard for him to come to school today......Bill was around kids and teachers that knew Craig and he was distracted so that his mind wasn't flooded with emotions of grief.....I, on the other hand, have absorbed a lifetime worth of feelings and have cried 4 years worth of desparate longing for my son..............We survive, we adjust, we walk with grief but it never leaves us.....it is never ending......We carry that neverending love with us now but the sadness is just under the surface.
Three days before Craig died, he was so "to himself", in such a deep trance....He was mulling over in his mind all the things he needed to do to find another job, find a place to live, redo another semester of college, fix his car, make up with his girlfriend, etc. We fought that day because I couldn't figure out what bothered him......I wanted to take away his burdens and take them on myself......But Craig would never burden us with his problems.....He carried the world on his shoulders and only brought happiness to others.....I carry the guilt of putting him into a bad frame of mind that day......even though I know he has forgiven me, I couldn't say, "I am sorry" and "Let's work this out", face to face......I haven't been able to forgive myself and berate myself every day.....I also hate it that we couldn't get to him before he died and I am afraid he died alone........I just can't get past that......I just can't let it go yet......I long for that "peace within the storm", I want to look up into the heavens and smile, and I want to be able to know what it feels like to actually have a sound sleep.......I want to see "signs" from Craig and I want to actually experience a "dream visit" from him and have him tell me, "stop crying and don't worry because I am truly happy". "Ma, you need to start living again", and "I really am with you every day". If only I could convince myself and have faith and trust in God that these things are true......just still too heartsick......
Anyway, I think about all of you every day and honor and cherish the memories of your beloved children.....You are a special family that I hold dear to my heart.....
Sending love, comfort and blessings,
VickiC
Craig Richard Collup - 09/16/1983 to 05/03/2003.
Forever 19
Forever young
Forever remembered
Forever loved
Deb,
Could you help me get Craig's picture on here? Thanks!