Author Topic: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))  (Read 5168 times)

Brenda Taylors Mom

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1378
  • I miss you so much my "big tough guy"
    • View Profile
    • http://www.taylor-lewis.memory-of.com
(((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« on: May 03, 2007, 01:20:32 PM »
Holding you so close in my thoughts and heart today.
Love
Brenda
Hope you feel Craig close , so very close to you...

VickiC

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 45
    • View Profile
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2007, 02:48:24 PM »
Hello everyone,
Thank you Brenda.....I appreciate it that you remember Craig's angel day.....Yes, 4 years ago we lost our Craig, our hearts and our life as we once knew it.....Have I moved forward with my life?  Just a little bit......I have got a long ways to go before I feel comfortable in this "new life"...........I am just so heartsick today......

I miss Craig more than I could ever describe and I love him more than I could ever say in words.....I love my other kids and my husband immensely but Craig and I had a bond that was special......

My youngest son, Seth, burned me a cd of music today.....It was such a thoughtful gift....As a listened to the music, I felt good that I could honor Craig and play music in remembrance of him but on the other hand I cried out for him  when I listened to the Eagles, or Chicago (he loved the Karate Kid), or incubus or Linkin Park or Evanescence (that was the last cd he wanted before he died)or Allison Krause (When you say nothing at all was their song).....I was so heartsick today and so incapacitated with sadness and longing for my son.....He would hate it if I didn't remember him in a good way and he would say, "enough already, ma!"  but I can't help but be a mom who is sad and lonely for her son........

I wanted to go out and buy 4 white roses to symbolize 4 years of being apart and an angel, but I couldn't.....I wanted to have Cori (his girlfriend) come over and watch "Survivor" with us (it was their favorite show) but I just didn't feel like company.....I wanted to sit down and remember everything I could about Craig but the tears just won't stop today......It's weird, the days leading up to this day were not hard but this day just stops me in my tracks......I just can't move......It has just been tooooooooooo long since I've seen him and held him and heard him speak.......It is just harder for me this year...........Am I learning to live with my grief?  Yes.....but I have carried it inside so much deeper and it seems so much larger to me because it just seems that memories of Craig have diminished for everyone else......If that makes sense?  My husband went to substitute teach at the high school today......the first time he has worked on May 3rd.....All the teachers gave him hugs and told him that it must have been hard for him to come to school today......Bill was around kids and teachers that knew Craig and he was distracted so that his mind wasn't flooded with emotions of grief.....I, on the other hand, have absorbed a lifetime worth of feelings and have cried 4 years worth of desparate longing for my son..............We survive, we adjust, we walk with grief but it never leaves us.....it is never ending......We carry that neverending love with us now but the sadness is just under the surface.

Three days before Craig died, he was so "to himself", in such a deep trance....He was mulling over in his mind all the things he needed to do to find another job, find a place to live, redo another semester of college, fix his car, make up with his girlfriend, etc.  We fought that day because I couldn't figure out what bothered him......I wanted to take away his burdens and take them on myself......But Craig would never burden us with his problems.....He carried the world on his shoulders and only brought happiness to others.....I carry the guilt of putting him into a bad frame of mind that day......even though I know he has forgiven me, I couldn't say, "I am sorry" and "Let's work this out", face to face......I haven't been able to forgive myself and berate myself every day.....I also hate it that we couldn't get to him before he died and I am afraid he died alone........I just can't get past that......I just can't let it go yet......I long for that "peace within the storm", I want to look up into the heavens and smile, and I want to be able to know what it feels like to actually have a sound sleep.......I want to see "signs" from Craig and I want to actually experience a "dream visit" from him and have him tell me, "stop crying and don't worry because I am truly happy".  "Ma, you need to start living again", and "I really am with you every day".  If only I could convince myself and have faith and trust in God that these things are true......just still too heartsick......

Anyway, I think about all of you every day and honor and cherish the memories of your beloved children.....You are a special family that I hold dear to my heart.....

Sending love, comfort and blessings,
VickiC

Craig Richard Collup -  09/16/1983  to 05/03/2003.
Forever 19
Forever young
Forever remembered
Forever loved

Deb,
Could you help me get Craig's picture on here?  Thanks!

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2007, 03:30:54 PM »
((((Vicki & Craig)))))) - Thinking of you both today and hoping that you feel Craig close.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

MelissaCharliesMom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 711
    • View Profile
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2007, 08:14:00 PM »
I know all too well th pain that comes with each breath especially on days like this. Know you are in my thoughts.

Jeanneb

  • Guest
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2007, 08:48:15 PM »
Dear Vicki,

So glad to see you post.  I know today the pain is just so deep, so hard, so missing your Craig.  Holding you close to  my heart.

Love,
Jeanne

Karen Paul

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1181
    • View Profile
    • Chris Bascom Memorial
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2007, 06:48:29 AM »
Oh Vicki - sorry I couldn't post yesterday as I was traveling.. 4 years. .it will be 4 yrs for us in November..

Last week Amy spoke at the DWI Memorial in Troy, where Chris' name and others are etched in stone.. and she said it had been 1275 days since she had last seen or spoken to Chris. ... it is impossible and so hard to believe it has been so long and yet it feels longer sometimes too..

As you say.. 4 years worth of desparate longing for your son.. that is how Brian and Amy feel too I'm sure..

Thinking of you and Craig today.. with love and hugs, Karen


Donnys Dad

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 551
  • Donny At Football Hall of Fame, Another Great Trip
    • View Profile
    • Donny's Memorial Website
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2007, 07:03:34 AM »
Vicki I can so feel your pain in your writing.  I wish that Craig would come to you in a dream and let you know that he is alright.  This is so unfair to all of us.  I know exactly what you are saying.

My thoughts are with you
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


quint906

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 204
  • Cory
    • View Profile
Re: (((((((( Vicki and Craig)))))))
« Reply #7 on: May 04, 2007, 09:39:02 AM »
Vicki,

After reading your post, it seemed like you were repeating my story about Cory.  On the 19th, Cory will be gone 17 months.  The day he left me, I also had a conversation with him and told him things that I wish I could take back.  For the first time, I gave him "tough love" but everything seemed OK when he called me back to tell me he loved me.  Everything you said is "exactly" what I feel.  Even hoping for the dream visit.  I just want you to know that I feel for you and know what you're going through.  Reading your post, I was feeling like you knew me and knew how much this loss is impacting my life.

You are definitely in my thoughts.

Jo