Author Topic: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.  (Read 8586 times)

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« on: April 30, 2007, 11:41:50 AM »
Dear Friends,
Once a week, I will post a thought-provoking question(s) related to some aspect of our beloved child’s life/death. This may help several bereaved parents express feelings and emotions that we may not be able to express alone.

REMEMBER: There is no RIGHT or WRONG answers…only what each of us feels during these terrible times in our lives.

I sometimes hear people (who have NO CLUE) comment on the death of another person by saying: well, it must have been their time to go. Do you agree?

QUESTIONS:
1.   What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?
2.   How old was s/he at time of death?
3.   How did s/he die?
4.   Do you believe that it was your child's "time" to go?
5.   Explain your belief and make any comments about the expression.

My Answers/Comments:

1. What is your name and the name of your son or daughter?
John and my daughter is forever Danielle Marie

2. How old was s/he at time of death?
Danielle was 11 years, 1 month and 17 days old.

3. How did s/he die?
Danielle Marie died at 10:59am in an automobile collision in Sturbridge, MA. She died of a massive traumatic head injury and was pronounced dead at the scene.

4. Do you believe that it was your child's "time" to go?
Absolutely, positively NO, NO, NO!!!
There is NO WAY that I will EVER believe that it was Danielle’s “time to go”!
GOD, I want to hold my baby again!

5. Explain your belief and make any comments about the expression.
I really get upset at anyone who even suggests this to me!!!
Danielle had so many life, love and dreams that needed to be shared. She LOVED her life and was just SO HAPPY each and every day! Her death was just a horrible, tragic event that NEVER should have happened.

Wishing You All a Peaceful day
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2007, 12:41:28 PM »
Hi John,

Adam was 19 1/2 when he was killed in a fiery crash by a repeat offender drunk driver on 7/4/03.  No, I do not believe, and will never believe it "was his time to go"!  It hurts me, angers me, insults my son and the sacredness of his life, invalidates my grief and my son's loss of his life when people say this about him.  It is never a child's time to  be murdered, to suffer such a horrific death at the hands of another and how dare anyone try to tell me that "it was my son's time to go"?  If that is their belief system then it is their own viewpoint and should not be inflicted upon me or inserted into my grieving process.  Homicide is a violent crime and a sin, I might add.  My child died by homicide, not by some agreement with his killer on a "soul level", not by God's hand...by his killers' hands.  If it was a child's time to go, there would be no murder trials, no wrongful death suits, etc... because no wrongs would have been committed, no laws broken.  Balderdash!  This is my belief system, my opinions, my son, my grief of course, other opinions and beliefs will vary.

Love and hugs,
Katie

rachel

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Help that helps
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2007, 04:13:20 PM »
I have a Watchtower that is called "Comfort for Grieving Parents. " This Will help you to understand how hard it is and what God will soon do to have your child come  back as them!
If you will like to know more than please write back with your address and I will mail this to you. Along with some other comforting support.
                                         Thank you,
                                                     Rachel

sarah

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2007, 04:34:55 PM »
It is always interesting to me to read different people's viewpoints on this.  When you lose an infant, you hear this a lot, even from other bereaved moms of infants, something along the lines of "my baby fulfilled his purpose early, he was sent here to teach me about love, and how precious life is, and to cherish each moment, etc. etc."  It always drove me absolutely insane.

Then, three years or there abouts after our girls died, I found this board.  I found out that people were far less likely to say something like that when their child did not die from natural causes, but from the hand of another, particularly homicide, DUI, negligent death, etc.  Now after watching this debate for years, I honestly believe people will just believe what is comforting to them.  I have seen parents whose children died in a way that makes them experience even more guilt than the rest of us (say someone who forgot to buckle the car seat,  and then their child died in a car accident 10 minutes later) for example, find this thought more comforting.  It also might be comforting to the person who actually WAS responsible for a child's death, like the drunk driver.

One of my children died shortly before birth.  We knew she was ill, but she was being treated for several weeks, and had decent stats of the treatment to give us hope.  However, when she was born, we found she was much sicker than we realized.  We miss her greatly, but find comfort in the fact we did all we could for her, and there was nothing else we could have done to save her.  Maybe not her "time to go", but it is a fact of life that people (even children) do get ill, and died despite heroic medical intervention.   Despite the hole in my heart, I am at peace with the manner of her death being beyond any control.

Her twin died in a careless accident several days later.  It was not her "time to go" she still feels ripped from my arms.  I know in my heart that holding those responsible accountable for her death was the ONLY way I preserved any sanity at all.

Anyway, when someone says that to me, I just say "I know that thought is comforting to many people.  It is not comforting to me.  It feels like trying to make dog s*** smell nice by decorating it with flowers.  Their deaths are a tragedy.  But their lives were wonderful, and so are a lot of other things in our life."

A bigger problem I have had is that people are understandably used to dealing with problems and tragedies they have not encountered personally by drawing on past experiences that they HAVE had and trying to apply it, such as using negative experiences as learning experiences/not dwelling on negative events, looking for the positive, etc.  In general, this is a useful life skill, but when it comes to the death of a child, I found that past experiences or ways of coping were just pretty useless. It just so hard to explain this to people. though.


Tom

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Re: Help that helps
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2007, 05:31:00 PM »
I have a Watchtower that is called "Comfort for Grieving Parents. " This Will help you to understand how hard it is and what God will soon do to have your child come  back as them!
If you will like to know more than please write back with your address and I will mail this to you. Along with some other comforting support.
                                         Thank you,
                                                     Rachel

Rachel - This board is for those who are grieving or those wanting to support them.  It is not a place to push religious beliefs onto those who are not asking for that sort of help.  You are welcome to be here to discuss your grief.  You are not welcome here to push religion on those who have not asked specifically for that sort of help.  If you continue to do this I will delete your account. 

(edited to correct a spelling error. Tom)
« Last Edit: April 30, 2007, 06:50:12 PM by Tom »
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lwuest

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2007, 07:44:52 PM »
John, before I answer your questions I just want to say that everytime I look at the picture of your daughter I get a smile in my heart.  For some reason she really touches me. 

My name is Linda.  My son, Stevie B, age 33, died in a car accident on 2/12/07.   He had a shearing brain injury.  I am convinced he made it to the hospital just so he could let me tell him goodbye.  He was an organ donor and his heart, kidneys. pancreas and liver went to others who are now at home enjoying life with their families.

I don't know if it was "his time" or not.  When he was born his lungs weren't fully developed and his prognosis wasn't good, but he went on to live a wonderful life and grew into an incredible person who shared his positive attitude with all around him. 

I believe in God but I'm not too happy with him right now

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2007, 08:18:30 PM »
As we all know everyones opinions vary greatly. I cannot, will not and say firmly and with great passion that the whole" their time to go" statement is nothing but a bunch of BULL***T!!!My son was happy, healthy,loving and had friends of all ages from his little brothers age to the elderly man up the road. There is no way in hell anyone can tell me it was my "sons time to go." NOT at 10 years old, not a child who was such a happy part of so many peoples lives. I dont care what peoples religous beliefs are as long as they dont push them on me, but dont ever tell me "god wanted him" or it was "his time".

Paula, Tims Mom

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2007, 06:19:33 AM »
I have read a lot of books that were discussed on this site, and also read about a lot of people who go to mediums. I guess if you want to take the chance that you can communicate with your deceased child through mediums such as John Edward and George Anderson, you might get the message it was "their time to go", or "their job here (on earth) was done". 

I haven't read about anyone who sought this out and was disturbed by the message.  It seems to bring comfort. Maybe I just haven't read enough different experiences and reactions.

I have lived in and traveled in several cultures (arab and asian) that were totally fatalistic. So much so that they are careless (even reckless) about what we consider safety (like driving on one side of the road!) , figuring if it is "their time" they will die and if it is not, they won't.

I've also read a lot of material about near death experiences (NDE's) and it seems almost universal that the people who approached death and came back to tell about it, got a psychic message from God (or different named deities in different faiths) that it was "not their time". My own mother told me (only after Tim died) that she had an NDE during childbirth and was told she had to come back because "It's not your time". She said she wept and resisted coming back, she wanted to keep going.  Now that she is at the end of her life, that experience brings her comfort and reassurance.

So, while I struggle with predeterminism, I have all these experiences to ponder and wonder about. About all I deeply accept is that at the moment of my own death, the reasoning and reasons for "why" will all become clear to me.
Paula, Tims Mom

Karen Paul

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2007, 06:43:41 AM »
My nephew's name is Christopher. He was 16 years, 11 months and 11 days old when he died. Chris was hit by a drunk hit and run driver with history of DWIs (4 prior). He was left on the side of the road on a dark November evening. His mother found him. Chris was thrown from his bike into a stone wall and suffered severe brain stem injuries. Chris died the following morning. He is also an organ donor and saved at least 5 lives.

I do not believe it was Chris' "time to go". He was a healthy, happy teenager in his junior year in high school. He had a very bright future, many friends and his first serious girlfriend. He had plans to become an 8th grade history teacher. It was one man's selfish choice to drink and drive, and then his choice to leave the scene without calling for help, that is what killed Chris.

I do not know how to feel about the "time to go" issue... as Sarah says I believe it does offer comfort to people in certain situations... yet to others it is an afront.. and very painful thing to hear.. I'm not sure I believe it is ever anyone's "time to go" (except maybe the very old).. but I do believe when we do "go".. that we will be welcomed into love.. and that is where I believe all the kids here are.. in love..

hugs, Karen

Donnys Dad

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2007, 07:46:46 AM »
1. I am Donald G. Montross, Sr. and my only Son was Donald G. Montross, Jr.

2. Donny was 30 at the time he left us.

3.  Donny took his own life 4 days after breaking up with his fiance.

4.  Absolutely NOT.  Donny loved life and his family with all his heart.  He had just bought his first house 10 months before and never stopped working on it.  Had a great job, new truck all the toys in the world and a Father Son relationship that is seldome seen.

5.  Time to go is when you are much older, cannot take care of yourself, in a coma with no hope.  I will never understand how all the crud, society sucking individuals live forever and our wonderful children are taken from us. Never.....
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


DantesDad

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2007, 10:48:53 AM »
I am Marty Young and my son was Dante Sawyer

Dante was 14 when he was taken from us

Dante passed away from meningitis

I don't know.  If it was his "time to go", then I got shafted.  Why wasn't I allowed to see my eldest boy grow up?  Why our family?  Why Dante?

I do believe that Dante is in heaven.  I have to believe.  It is the only thing that keeps me going.  I will be reunited with him someday.  As for the statement "their time to go" - the only people who should be allowed to say that is the deceased persons parents.  Other then that, keep it that thought to yourself

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #11 on: May 02, 2007, 11:28:29 AM »
Im Brenda and my daughters name was Jessica, and was 16 when she had a fatal car accident June 22 2004. Over the years I have gone back and forth on the notion whether it was "her time' or not. All the "what ifs".. what if I had made her stay home that day, would she still be with us, or if it really WAS her time would something else of happended. I dont know. i DO know it wasnt right to leave us so damned young!!! With such a prominsing future. If it WAS her time, WHY??????WHY would 16 be her TIME? I dont know what the answer is, just that it still freeking hurts.

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #12 on: May 02, 2007, 03:31:00 PM »
I don't believe my son Taylor was only meant to live 14 1/2 years. He had his whole life ahead of him and a careless lying heartless man killed him... Stopped his whole life right there on the road while Taylor was innocently having a good day riding his bike with his best friend......
I believe God was there to recieve him, but God did not kill him..

Debh

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #13 on: May 02, 2007, 06:35:27 PM »
"its their time to go" angers me to no end at times and other times I can sit back and say to each their own as it should be but for me no child should die before a parent no matter how old they are and no way is it their time to go by God or anyone or any reason. Totally impossible for me to agree to or accept.

Katie makes a point with murderers etc, they have chosen our childs death and their time and that is wrong and will always be wrong to me. Cory chose his own death, no one chose that for him, why on earth would a God chose to have Cory kill himself cause it was his time to go????? Doctors not healing our children and making errors that end up in their deaths, then this wouldn't be wrong also towards doctors  cause "its their time to go"...it goes on and on and nothing today changes my mind on this or will no no no its not time for a child to leave due to a death. No sense to this at all for me on its their time bullcrapola (another memory from Chad:)  ) haven't used that one for years kind of smiling over that one, thanks Chaddar... momsie needed to slow down on this topic.

Good question John I spent my first years angry as hell when someone told me this and kept my mouth shut not to hurt anyone or because I was so ignorant to anything and everything and was searching for all I could find to make sense to anything that pertained to my son dieing. Well today this doesn't pertain to my sons death, I simply say wrong it wasn't his time to go and it is totally wrong he died. I will not ever be weak again to allow anyone to make me question this or many things that simply didn't make sense. And if Chad could write here he would say the same"hell no I didn't want to go and it wasn't my time".

Well thats my opinion on this weeks question. A child should not die...it will never be time for them to go. They have been cheated out of life and that is wrong! And we have been cheated out of watching them live and grow.

Love to all
Deb
« Last Edit: May 02, 2007, 06:39:36 PM by Debh »

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: This Weeks Question...Their "time" to go.
« Reply #14 on: May 03, 2007, 05:54:16 AM »
I think we don't know the answer to this question until we die. But I for one believe that as Brenda said God does not take anyone but is there to welcome them when they do die. We have free will and it is because of this that many of our beautiful kids are gone. Choices that others made that were bad or poor choices of of our own kids. I don't believe God made those choices unfortunately I think it is all part of life and death.

I don't think anyone should ever suffer the loss of a child no matter what age they are. They are always your baby. We never get over it, we just learn to live with the pain on a daily basis. Others who push things down your throat because they think they are helping should just learn to say nothing.

I had a woman say to me the other day Oh I could not survive the death of one of my children, I would die too. I looked at her and wanted to just slap her. What does that mean I didn't love my child as much as you love yours?? I pray to die every night but unfortunately I am still here trying to make some sense of any of this. People are just plain stupid:::they don't think:::

I believe all our kids are in Heaven with God, do I beieve they had a specific time to go????I don't know?? I only know they should be here with us. Thats where they belong.

Dottie Tammie's Mom