Author Topic: My wish  (Read 6199 times)

Hope

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My wish
« on: April 29, 2007, 09:38:14 AM »
I was talking to my little sister the other day.  It's been 3 months since our mom died.  She has just moved on with her life since the day of the memorial service.  My sister went back to work & everything just seems to be going smoothly in her life.  I had to go back to school after the first week if I wanted to graduate, but I still haven't been able to work more than 1 day per week ( & probably wouldn't do that if I didn't need to feed my family). I still break down & lose it several times a day every single day.  I am still driving around in my mom's car (b/c it smells like her), sleeping w/my mom's bedspread (same reason), wearing my mom's PJ's (yes, it's true!), going to mom's house & just sitting there crying, & I haven't been able to disconnect either her home or cell phone yet b/c I NEED to call it several times a day to just hear her voice. I honestly don't ever want to move on from this feeling, I don't want my mom to ever be forgotten.  I feel like when I do these crazy things that it keeps her alive somewhere.  I feel like forgetting would be far worse than this hell that I go through everyday.  Anyway, I asked my sister why she doesn't talk about it.  She said that she still does these things everyday, too, but that she doesn't talk about it b/c she doesn't want to burden anyone w/the same old things.  I really wish that people who know me, who know my sister, who know all of you out there, would just talk about the loss we have experienced, would ask how we are doing, would listen....               

Sorry for rambling on.  Just needed to vent.  Take care, everyone   
Hope

Lonnie

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Re: My wish
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2007, 03:57:26 PM »
Hope: I truly believe it is the people who take time to grieve that are better able to stay mentally healthy after the loss of a loved one. You are grieving the loss of your mother! When people try and suppress the grief, the feelings, and the sadness, they are bottling up dynamite. I feel the healthiest thing I ever did for myself after the loss of my dad, was to come here and get the feelings out to people that truly understood. Yes, it hurts to be reminded of things at times, but as has been said, you can't go around grief-you MUST go THROUGH it in order to even begin to heal. And by healing, I don't mean forgetting or getting over it-just being able to accomodate the loss into your life and be able to go on. I think that the depth of our grief is often a sign of the depth of our love for the person, though it is true that people grieve differently. You do what you need to do. You have suffered a tremendous loss. Please come and share with us anytime. We understand. Hugs-Lonnie

PAT B

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Re: My wish
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2007, 10:37:47 AM »
Hope,
My husband died 2/21/07 and I still have not removed his toiletries from the bathroom vanity.  His books and whatever are stil on his night stand, I have not removed hsi pajamas from under the pillow, and when I change the bed linen, I put them right back.  This helps me feel like he will be there with me.  I know this does not make sense, but when I think about removing these things, all I do is cry.  It took me almost 5 weeks to return to work and be productive.

You are going at your own pace and don't anyone make you go faster.  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is hard, very hard to achieve the things you were striving for when you loose your loved one right in the middle of it.

I will pray for you and your sister

Crushed

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Re: My wish
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2007, 02:06:48 PM »
 Hope, we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace. Whatever you do is the right thing for you.
It has been 3 months for me on May 6th and I have gotten rid of almost everything, as unlike others It makes me so upset to have it around. I did keep a suit coat that I wore as a robe at first and a shirt that I slept with. they are both in the closet for now. I just cleaned out the bathroom a couple of weeks ago and kept his soap and deororant. they smell like him and I get comfort from that. We always have had different music tastes and that hasn't changed!
I went out with old friends for dinner Sunday and didn't cry or talk about all of the stuff that happened last week with the rain. Later in the evening one called, to be so kind... not, and tell me that some of the others were worried because I acted happy and didn't cry all evening!  can you believe that? I told her to just wait ,as the next time we are together i may sob. That's just the way this process works.  You are in my prayers, Crushed

rachel

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Re: My wish
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2007, 07:09:55 PM »
You may like this but At revelation 21:4 says God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more neither mourning nor outcry nor PAIN be anymore. This will came true. God has promised.
            RACHEL

Hope

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Re: My wish
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2007, 08:27:34 PM »
Hi guys!  Had another tough day today.  We were rehearsing for the pinning ceremony for graduation for the class ahead of mine & as everyone practiced their speeches it suddenly struck me that my mom won' t be there to see me graduate next year.  It know it sounds silly but I as of yet had not considered all of the things that she won't be present for & it hit me really hard.  I just burst into tears right there, but in my own little world apparently b/c everyone was so happy around me that no one noticed I was crying.  Go figure.  Any ideas on how to include her at all of these important things? 

I just really want you all to know how much it has meant to have you here in this way.  I know right now I sound kind of whiny but I really hope that when I'm stronger that I can give back to other people who come here in the ways that you all have helped me.

Take care,
Hope

laurenE

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Re: My wish
« Reply #6 on: May 02, 2007, 03:43:29 PM »
Hope,

Dont be so quick to assume your sister is fine and has moved on.  You dont know what she does or how much she hurts when she goes to bed at night,  or when she is behind closed doors.   

I was one of those people who could fake it well.  Someone even told me that I must not have been close to my mother bc i wasnt grieving,  bc I was laughing,  smiling, working,  and joking 8 hrs a day.  I was a little hyper bc of nervous energy.

  Little did he know that I was quietly going out to the car for lunch and crying,  or would go to bed right after work and sleep to escape.  Little did he know that I was dying inside from the pain.    But as the oldest child,  I had to be responsible at an early age and learned to suck it up and go on as if I didnt hurt. 

patty

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Re: My wish
« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2007, 02:25:29 PM »
Hi, my experience is that people give you support for your loss at first and that itīs soon over, like they said it once and that should be good enough.  They may be kind but in their eyes you can see they donīt want to discuss/hear about it anymore.  They donīt want to think that it can/will happen, that they will be the greif stricken someday.  If you have ANYBODY who says "how are you doing" then you are very lucky.  The only people that care are right here.  Patty

Hope

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Re: My wish
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2007, 06:38:44 AM »
Hi guys!  I'm sorry I haven't been here in so long (finals week).  I really appreciate that you guys are all here & understand where I'm coming from.  Crushed, Lauren, Lonnie, Pat B, & Patty - Thanks for all of your kind words.  They are truely helping me make it through this time.

About what Lauren said about not being so quick to think my sister is doing fine:  I don't see her too often but I do still talk to her maybe everyday or every other day.  Do you guys think that it's time to stop talking to her about it, or do you think that she'd appreciate having someone to talk to about it.  I don't want to either push her away or push her to deal w/something she's not ready to deal with.  Eggshells! 

Growing up, we learned to not really talk about our feelings (dad was in the military & that was just something he wasn't in to) so I worry that she's shut herself off.  I have never really been one to talk about things myself, but coming here has made a world of difference in my life.  She won't go on the computer so I can't share this outlet w/her.

Suggestions, anyone?
Hope

Teri E.

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Re: My wish
« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2007, 10:42:57 AM »
Hi All.  I am a newbie here, first time poster, will talk more later.  But reading Hope's first message here hit home.  Just going on 6 weeks since losing my Mom, and I still have the need to see and and be surrounded by her things.  I have taken some things from her house, but basically it is still full, and I am having a hard time letting go of anything... her glasses- I want them (on my dresser); perfume bottle- I want that, have to smell it every day even though she rarely wore perfume; her combs- I want those; sneakers she always wore- gotta have those in my closet.  Partly I don't think this is good, but I just can't let go.  How can you get rid of something that Mom looked at or used every day, something that means nothing but what the object is to anyone else, but to me all it says is, "Mom"....

hurting,
Teri

laurenE

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Re: My wish
« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2007, 11:01:54 AM »
Hope,

Talk to your sister any time you feel like it, if she is ok with this.  There is nothing wrong with that.  There is no rule that says its time to stop talking.  Its been 4 yrs and I havent stopped talkin about my mom here,   although just not as often as it used to be. 

You are in the very early days of your grief so dont rush yourself.  I  think that we need others to talk with about that loved one...  I found that I needed and wanted to be around my family more than ever,  just to be in the same room with them,  just to hear their southern accent like my moms,  just to see people who resemble my mothers looks,  and just so we can once in awhile say something like "if mom were here she'd do this or say that".   I wish I had that but I didnt.  You do so do it.   

Bottem line, ,, whatever you need,  do it.   No one is gonna help you through your grief more than you are going to help yourself through it.  You have to reach out and let people know what you want or need and talk all ya want about mom to anyone and everyone who will listen,  including us here.   I once asked a therapist how long I was supposed to talk about something.  And his answer was "as long as it takes."  "You'll know you're done talking when you dont need to talk about it anymore".   Sometimes you'll feel the need to tell the same story over and over again.  Thats ok too.  Just talk and share.   Thats what we're all here for.  And hopefully thats what your sister will be comfortable with too.   I'm hoping that by you talking and sharing will help bring her out of her shell to talk more too.

I can remember 6 mos after mom died,  my gma died.  And all of us were together for the first time since mom died.    But no one said one word about mom.  It was as if she was gone and forgotten.  I was furiously hurt but never said anything.  I wanted and needed to share stories of what mom did or said,  the good times,  when I was with my family.   But I dont have the comfortable family situation to do that.  I hope you do.    And if you do,   let this be a time to draw you closer to each other. 

hugs,

lauren

Crushed

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Re: My wish
« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2007, 02:27:48 PM »
Hope, just checking  to ask if you have had your graduation ceremony?
 You have made a great accomplisment by continnuing your education and coping with your loss. You should be very proud of yourself. That takes strength and courage. I wish you continnued success in all that you do. Congratulations
I agree w ith other posters.  Keep talking to your sister.  Crushed

Hope

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Re: My wish
« Reply #12 on: May 06, 2007, 06:21:47 PM »
Teri, I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.  I know how tough this is for you right now.  I can tell you that I "visited" this site for about a month before I could actually gather the strength to say anything.  It has helped me so much more than words can describe to be able to come to a safe place & talk about my day to day struggles regarding the loss of my own mom.  I hope that you get the same support that I've felt.  Anytime you want to vent, please know that there are so many people here who care & will listen & not judge you.  Just to let you know, I have brought nearly everything that wasn't tied down from my mom's house here to my home.  So far, my hubby hasn't said anything negative about as these things that I do that bring me comfort (except for one night when I was wearing mom's PJ's & he said that he couldn't get in the mood while I was wearing mom's clothes!).  I still go to her (empty) house everyday to look around for more things that may remind me of my mom.  I've gone through everything but I still keep hoping to find just one more thing...  I'm still very new in my grief process. 

Lauren, I'm glad that you said that about taking whatever time I need.  A few weeks ago one of my "friends" gave me a book that basically listed how long each "stage of grief" should last, & I'm running behind according to that book.  What does a book know anyway about how I feel?!

Crushed, I feel like I've accomplished a lot with school, but I still have one more year!  Uggh!  The graduation rehearsal that I broke down for wasn't even mine, it was the class before mine.  I'm sure I'll be a wreck when it's my turn.  I've kinda just floated through this semester & done OK, so hopefully I'll finish on time.  It has helped that we started to see real patients this semester & some of my patients have helped me along through this journey.  I'll make it.

Take care, everyone. 
Hope

Crushed

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Re: My wish
« Reply #13 on: May 07, 2007, 06:45:21 AM »
Hope, sounds like you are blessed with a great hubby to help you through this journey. I would not have made it without mine when I lost my mother. I brought almost  all of her stuff home also and my honey even put flooring in the attic and hauled alot of it up there. Of course this was after the basement was full. I gradually went through it and at one time had a big sale on my block and borrowed 3 of the neighbors garages for that. Oh yes, he dragged the stuff to the neighbors. He had to be happy when that was over! I think I did him in, because when his mother died he didn't want anything and let his brother "deal with it"! In the last 22 years I have released alot more until I have only the "good stuff"  and very sentimential things mostly. I saved things for my girls' to have when they married, but they didn't want them. They wanted the games that they had played with Nonnie and the happy face cookie jar, and little things like that. I have learned that the memories stay in your heart.
The book you got is not helpful. Grief is a personal journey and the steps are tools to help you know what to expect . Not everyone experiences each step, they don't all follow in order, some can take longer than others,they can be revisited once or  many times. Please don't compare where you are in this process with where someone else is. It doesn't work that way. There is a book called Good Grief that the theropist lent me. I don't know the author. Try your church or public library. My girls found one on losing a parent that they found helpful.
Your hubby sounds supportive and that's the best thing to help you.
Giving you a hug, Crushed

laurenE

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Re: My wish
« Reply #14 on: May 07, 2007, 07:07:02 AM »
Hope,

Throw the book away.  There are no stages of grief.   If only it were that easy and predictable.   

 What people misunderstand is that   "the stages of grief" that the book is probably referring to  is  for people who are dying,  not the survivors of those who have lost someone.    I still say that even then there are no neat and predictable stages.

Anyway,  the friend was trying to help, so thank her for that kindness but put it away.   This is a good example of someone with good intentions who may or could have done more harm than good.   

lauren