Author Topic: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it  (Read 9834 times)

ldmoody

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #15 on: April 26, 2007, 12:14:10 PM »
Don,

I am so sorry that you have to go through this.  I feel your pain.  It is not something that we can just say okay I am over it I can go on.  Its not like that. I feel where you are coming from and know that in my heart and soul we all have been going through the same nightmare.  Yes it is true when you said when our child left this earth we died with them.  That is correct.  everytime I think of that morning my son Russell Boy passed, I couldn't even remember ever wanted to be that person anymore.  It has been 9 months since our Russell Boy has left us and we have changed our lives and took a big turn around.  It takes time and patient to heal and we are still not at that point. I close my eyes and still see him as I last saw him Lifeless on the hospital bed thats my memory I can't just forget.  it hurts alot very much so...
We can't advise each other in how to deal with the pain, anger or lost.  But you can share your feelings here where we understand what is going on. 

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  Like I have said time one day at a time that all we can do... sometimes I would sit down and watch home videos just to hear his voice when I miss Russell boy or put it on pause to see his smile hear him laugh or just seeing him.

god bless you and your wife.  I can tell you stay strong but that is your choice to knowing when you are ready.

Hugs,

Lisa 

"Always Remembered - Never Forgotten"
Russell Alan Moody Jr. - AKA Russell Boy
Mom - Lisa Moody

barb0617

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #16 on: April 26, 2007, 03:38:48 PM »
Hi Don, It's me, Barb, whose son Jim was killed in a car accident 8 years ago and whose son Tom took his own life two months ago.  You're a loving husband and father and you do not want to inflict on your family the pain of a second suicide.  Your relationship with your Donny reminds me of my husband's with Jim.  In his heart Jim was his favorite, his best friend, the one who shared the same interests and mellow manner and sense of humor.  It was a very very long time before I felt like I had my beloved husband back.  As for myself, it was three years and four months after we lost Jim when finally I woke up one morning and knew I had a life to live, not just to survive, but to live.  We missed him, and continue to miss him terribly.  Now I'm at the very beginning of learning to live with Tom's suicide.  There's an element of anger:  I gave him life, and he did not have the right to end it.  He just couldn't see what might be just around the corner, what happiness might arrive in just a little while.  I know that the pain of his depression made that future hopefulness temporarily impossible.  Life is for the living, and life is worth living.  Sometimes the pain is nearly unbearable, but let's not quit five minutes before the miracle happens.  If only our sons hadn't given up five minutes before the miracle.  The miracle comes in earth-bound angels who reach out to us and lift us up ever so slightly at that moment of despair, just enough to get us just above the crushing wave of our grief.  My Jim has "come through" to a few people.  The first time was eight months after the accident but I wasn't told until three years after.  My sister-in-law said he was at her house about 250 miles from us the first christmas after.  He begged her to do something to help us to release some of our pain and anguish, that he wanted so much to be near us but it was too much for him because we were in such pain over losing him.  He came through to a cousin just after the fifth anniversary - she was seeking contact with her mother in a reading.  Among many other things, he asked her to please ask me to release my anger, that he was so sorry for all the troubles the family faced after his passing (including Tom's paralyzing depression).   I talk to my boys all the time.  One of the first things I said to Tom, remembering the messages that Jim had managed to get through, was that I understood, that eventually I'd be able to help his dad to understand, that I forgave him, and that somehow we would learn to live without his physical presence, just as we had after Jim.  I told him I wanted him to be able to be near us.  You just have to get through the moment, Don.  Push yourself and get through the moment.  Remind yourself that you've felt this raw pain before and you survived the moment.  Remind yourself that that the heavy black curtain will lift this time, too. 
Barb

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2007, 06:09:48 AM »
Oh, Dear Don,

I am so very sorry. I just read your post. I feel all the pain in every word you wrote.

Just because our kids were were grown doesn't mean they weren't still our babies:::::Boy do I understand that. Your relationship with Donny was so much like mine with Tammie, I too have lost my best friend and I miss her so very much and all the things we enjoyed together. Oh, Don, I know what you mean about thinking it would get better. It will be 20 months in May and I don't feel BETTER at all. I still feel as you do very ALONE.

My heart breaks for you a I can't even imagine finding your precious son as you did. I know that image must haunt you. I am so very sorry for that. Remember how very much Donny loves you and I know he hates that your hurting so. In that moment that Donny took his life he wasn't thinking straight and it wasn't the Donny you loved and knew that did that. Depression takes over a persons rational thinking. Remember that Don, he was ill or he would have never done that. Try to think that he is at peace now with no more pain, except for seeing you suffer so much.

My heart aches for you, know I am here always.
In my prayers,
Dottie Tammie's Mom :'(

Rebecca

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2007, 07:09:46 AM »
Don:  I hear your pain.  I know that finding out Jason was dead and not seeing him has got to be "easier" than walking in and seeing what you saw.  I don't know how you get those images to reverse themselves to happier days, on the lawn mower, playing in the back yard, giving his Mom a flower.  We have had much sorrow in our small town and not that I knew any of the people involved but I know the feeling that their parents feel and the outward effect from other family members.  All of this is so painful and a terrible reminder of what was.  One thing I know for sure... if we harm ourselves to end our pain, we will inflict greater pain for a longer period of time on our loved ones.  Do we want to do that or do we want to try and find a better way to survive?  It is Sun... the worst day of the week for us...but we must think about families... I hope you write again and get your feelings out on "electronic paper".  I think writing helps.
Thinking of you often.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

CarolA

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #19 on: May 06, 2007, 11:40:45 AM »
I don't post much anymore. I'm sorry that you are in such pain.
I don't post because I just don't know what to say anymore. I still listen
to my daughter in my heart, I try so hard...but, I just miss her so much.
I have my grandkids and my other daughter depending on me to be there, to love them and I do...I love them so much but for some reason this pain is
such that it just keeps kicking me in my gut. My daughter left this world in June also. June 16th, 2003. I thought I would be at a different place in my grief too. I guess I am. The shock has worn off and I feel like I am just acting like I am alive and happy. I hate to say this but I don't think I will ever be truly happy again. I think about you and Donny a lot. I can honestly say I feel your pain, meaning that when I read your words, I can feel how
hurt you are. I wish there was something we could do to stop this pain we feel. I think I keep waiting for something to wake me up.
Please know that your Donny is thought about by many. We all keep our children's spirit alive, in our hearts.

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #20 on: May 07, 2007, 08:41:50 PM »
(((((((( Don))))))))) Itll be 3 years for me in June too, holding you close to my heart.

DantesDad

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #21 on: May 08, 2007, 10:04:13 AM »
The pain in your words are so real.  I am praying for you.  I wish that none of us had ever come here, but my wish won't come true. 

I am scared for the years that lie ahead of us all, to be without our precious children.  I often wonder how could God let this happen?

I don't know the answer but the only thing I have left is my faith.  Faith that I will someday be reunited with Dante and faith that you will be reunited with Donny.  Maybe it's false faith, but it is all that I have.

God bless you Don.  Hang on tight.

Peace,

Marty (DantesDad)