Author Topic: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it  (Read 11796 times)

Donnys Dad

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Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« on: April 25, 2007, 07:31:35 AM »
In June it will be 3 years since Donny left us.  I can't believe or accept this.  I really thought by now I would be feeling a little better.  I am not.  Twice this week I have had a Major breakdown.  I have cried everyday, but these breakdowns are much worse.

The latest was last night.  My wife and I went to bed.  This is usually the only good part of my day as I don't hurt when I sleep.  But last night as I laid there thinking of Donny and all the things we did together, all the things we had plans to do.  How he would stop over every day, host picnics, make us laugh continously.  Laugh?  What is that?????  Then my mind flashed to how I found him that night, a site that will never leave my mind.  The gun still locked in his hand.  I broke down.  I tried to keep it from my wife but she heard me.

Like I told her no one knows how much I miss him. No one.  He was the only boy, the baby of the family, My Buddy, My Partner, My Best Friend.  He was the most important thing in my world.  I'm sure that hurts my wife when I say that but it is true.

June 13, 2004 when Donny took his life he took mine with him.  I died that night also, just not dead yet.  My wife said to me "you don't want to live any more do you?"  I answered her honestly, NO I do not, I want to be with Donny or end this pain.  I can't take it much longer.  I told her if I was sure that Donny would be waiting for me I would join him right now.  She was great about it and consoled me.  I don't mean to hurt her but it is true.  There is no words to describe what he meant to me.  His memorial site is just a glimpse of our relationship................

I am sorry for babbling on about my pain as I know all of you have pain also.  I just had to get this off my chest and this seems to be the only place I can do it.

Just not sure how long a person can go on like this.

Thank You
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Karen Paul

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #1 on: April 25, 2007, 07:50:00 AM »
Oh Don - I am so sorry my friend that this journey is so so hard.. I cannot fathom the pain you feel, though I see it in my brother's eyes too.. the pain of a father who has lost his son.. I wish I had some magic words to ease your anguish.. but I have yet to find any after three and a half years..

I do wonder since you found Donny if you might have some Post Traumatic Stress symptoms..I know Amy does as she found Christopher.. have you talked to anyone about that possibility?

I know that one thing that has saved Brian has been focusing on his work.. he works too much in my opinion, but I think it is a distraction.. and i know that doesn't help because you and Donny worked together.. and that is a painful thing too..

Please know that I hold you and your wife in my prayers and that you can always come here and vent.. I am worried about you.. don't be afraid to reach out for help..

luv and hugs, Karen


Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2007, 07:51:01 AM »
((((((Don)))))))

I am so deeply sorry for your pain and anguish, and that Donny is not here with you.  The breakdowns and flashbacks are horrific, I understand.  Please do not apologize for sharing your feelings and reaching out.  It really does help to talk about it all and to let others who empathize support us sometimes.

It is almost 4 years for us and there are days that are softer, but days that are pure hell.  The missing never goes away.  I work hard to stay in the moment and find little bits of peace, sometimes moments with smiles especially with my daughter.  Therapy really helps me now to do that, and it helps with the flashbacks, along with medication I started for those.  I didn't start therapy until after the first year and even with it there are many days when I just don't want to live but it does help me get thru the roughest patches.  My meds have been adjusted a few times too.  None of this is right, it's all so unfair and it's exhausting...too damn hard!!

I wish I could take your pain away, or do something to help.  I think of you and Donny so often.  Every time I hear someone start a lawn mower, I think of our boys and how they should be here with their dads.  It just breaks my heart all over again.

Love, hugs and understanding,
Katie

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2007, 08:14:55 AM »
Don- I surely know how you feel, those words could have came directly from my own mouth. June 26 will be 3 years for us as well and the nightmare continues..every second of every day. I keep waiting for it to "ease" or "change" as so many here calim it does and yet for me anyway it has yet to happen.
I wish I had some magic words or something to tell you, but I dont. Only know that you are not alone in your feelings, thoughts and pain...I am right there with you.....I would give anything to change the way "life" is now.
Know I am thinking of you and keeping you close in my heart!

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2007, 08:49:00 AM »
My dear friend (((Don))),
You have been such a tremendous comfort and inspiration to me over the past two years; I hope that I can provide you with some comfort today. I feel your pain and anguish, you still have so much pain and sorrow in your heart from the horrible memory of your wonderful son, Donny’s death,  I pray that in time that pain will subside to allow hope to replace doubt and you will feel your son Donny, who never left your side. In the meantime, I will continue to pray for you both and I can't wait for that wonderful day when you feel Donny once again.
Your pain is still too new. You cannot and will not be able to see through that until your heart (not your mind) is ready. In my own humble opinion…and hopes, I think the door opens when we are able to accept that our children NEVER LEFT. It is also my own opinion that we NEVER have to accept that our angels are 'gone' because they aren't. They are right here with us, every single day. Be patient with yourself and know that it will all become clear when your pain subsides enough to allow you to get your mind around it. But none of that work can be done until your heart is ready. Clear your thoughts, all you should be thinking of is the wonderful life you and your son, Donny shared. There is absolutely no thought involved in accepting that he is still with you. That will happen when your heart, mind and soul are in sync. Right now your heart is full of pain, your mind is desperate for answers and your soul is broken.
One day your heart will let hope in, your mind will have faith in what you know to be true and so your soul will be free of doubt and acceptance will creep in. At that time you will feel the love of your son who never left your side. For now, have patience with yourself, embrace the pain and move through it at your own speed.
Moving through it does NOT mean that you are leaving it behind. Moving through it is a journey to finding what the agony is really about. If you were to sit down and write down a list of things that are causing you pain and agony today, one of those things may be that you miss having him near. I know that this is one of the struggles for me.
I feel that your pain and anguish over the death of your son appears to be selfish (mine is too), remember to reach out to your family and especially your wife. She is also in tremendous pain and needs you to provide her comfort over the death of Donny. Perhaps you should both try to attend a support group (if you have not done so yet)…IT REALLY HELPS! Share your feelings, talk, take walks, and tell her that you love her too. She LOVES you VERY MUCH!!!
Don, Take Care & I will pray for you,

John
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

margie

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2007, 09:27:42 AM »
Don:

I don't usually write anymore here-I think I just ran out of words but your post touched me so deeply I felt I had to respond.

It is now been 5 1/2 years since my beloved son Jesse left-suicide also. And I remember year three (well I don't really remember much from that time my memory is just starting to come back). But I do remember his third birthday in heaven and how I almost took my life at that time. I could not take the pain any longer-it was all just too hard. My mind wouldn't shut off and the horrible images followed me wherever I went.

Thank God my wonderful niece saved me that night she literally did. And after that total melt down, I found I started to get stronger.

I believe and a very wise woman told me this, 'once we accept the pain and realize that it will always be with us, it is then we can begin to go on. If this makes any sense-I know now I will always miss Jesse-the pain is softer, the days easier, and I now go to sleep and only think of the good thoughts and not the end with Jesse. And when I go into that hole I go with it -like a wave-and it ends sooner and I get up quicker.

I guess I am trying to say I understand Don and I know how hard each and every moment is for you-please believe me it will get 'softer' I didn't believe this in the beginning but it is true and you will find a reason to live til you see Donny again in God's time.

My prayers go out for you
And please know this website is for sharing your feelings-it has saved my life also.
God bless
And I wish you peace
Margie


quint906

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2007, 09:49:17 AM »
Oh Don, I'm so worried about you.  I can't even imagine what you saw when you found Donny.  Unlike you, I didn't find Cory, but I knew something bad had happened.  Everyday is a struggle for me also.  The memories hurt so bad and the plans that we made are  reminder of what will never be.  This Friday, two years ago,  is the last time I saw Cory, held him and gave him a kiss, even though he died Dec. 19.  He was leaving on a plane to go back to Florida.  I remember how proud I was of him as I watched him walk down the security checkpoint.  I still don't have any clues as to why our boys decided to take this road.  We were always there for them and helped them through the hard, emotional times.  Everyday I cry, it just catches me off guard.  For some reason Don, I feel our boys are together trying to figure out how to help us through this.  You were the first person to help me when I came onto this board knowing the pain I was going through.  As much as we hurt, we have no choice but to go on because our families need us.  Like you, I still have thoughts on how to end all this pain.  I just want you to know that I need you too.  You're very important to me and I think of you and Donny so often.

Please, please take care of yourself.

Always in my thoughts.

Jo

shelly Tristans mom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #7 on: April 25, 2007, 10:16:47 AM »
Don, 

My heart is so broken for you. Broken for myself, broken for our boys.  When I came to this board you were the first person to tell me your story, the first person to make me feel welcome here even though my son had taken his own life. I will always  remember that and be thankful for the comfort that you gave to me. 

I think of you and Donny often. I enjoyed the stories that you and Gil wrote about Donny and Jesse.  I can relate to you and Donny because because I see so many many similarities in Donny and Tristan's personalities.  So many similarities in the relationship that you had with your son that I had with my son.

I can't pretend that I understand how you feel about the loss of your son, as I can only understand my own loss, but I can sympathize and offer you the small comfort that you are not alone in this horrible journey.  We are all here for you.

Please know that we need you and your wisdom on this board. Please know that God still has a purpose for you here on Earth. (That's why you are still here)   

 Please know that you and your wife are in my prayers these next tough weeks.

(((((((((Sending Stength and Prayers)))))))))))))
 
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

Shelly, Tristan's Mom

Marianne

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #8 on: April 25, 2007, 03:00:14 PM »
Dear Don,

I am so sorry for your pain.  I know that even though we walk the same path of grief, our pain so similar - NO ONE knows exactly how you feel. 

We both wake up with the same unfathomable truth that our sons are gone from this earth.

We both walk through our days with a cloud of sorrow surrounding our heads - closing in on our hearts.

We both fall to our beds at night praying for a few hours of nothing.  Praying that when we do wake again - somehow, our realities will be different.

And...

We both have the opportunity to share our sons with the world.  We can write about them.  We can talk about them.  We can think about them.  We can remember them!

Memories.  I have them.  You have them.  They are different...and we can share them.

Feelings.  I have them.  You have them.  They are different...and we can share them.

I know that your son loved sports.  I know that because you wrote it here on this board.

I know that your son is handsome.  I know that because of the picture you posted here.

I know that your son loved you.  I know that because of the things he did with you.  The way he smiled at the camera.  The gifts he showered you with.

I know that you love your son.  I know that because I can hear the pain in your words.  You couldn't - wouldn't hurt this much if the love wasn't there.

And let me tell you Don... Love does not die!  You can love Don just as much today as yesterday - More tomorrow than today!  His love for you - gosh, I just can't imagine how great it must be now!  Let yourself feel it!  Don't set the grief aside, but allow a quiet moment to feel Donny enter your heart and hold it tight.  Allow him to thank you for loving him so very much.  He is there, watching as you work in your work room - holding your wife - kissing your daughters.  He is waiting for you Don - and he can wait!  There is no time in Heaven.  He WILL be there for you - reaching out for you - when God calls you home.

Until then Don, Remember... you are loved.  You love!

Donny's memory is alive in you.  Keep sharing your love for him by sharing his life with others.

Tell us another GREAT story about Donny.  We love hearing them!

Your friend and Alek's Mom always!
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Dena

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #9 on: April 25, 2007, 04:27:15 PM »
((((Don)))) - I am so sorry.  It sounds like you are experiencing some PTSD symptoms.  I still do.  The 3 year point seemed to be significant - so much resurfaced that I thought I had worked through. 

Lately, it has been nightmares for me.  I only wish I could sleep a deep peaceful "safe" sleep but that eludes me.

Always remember that working your way through things is hard work and you always have a willing ear and shoulder here.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom


CRCmom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #10 on: April 25, 2007, 06:13:00 PM »
Don,

I am so sorry that this is a time of tremendous pain for you.  It is an abomination that you lost Donny; that we lost any of our children.  Everything everyone said is so true.  Love NEVER dies and out sons and daughters have never left us.  I believe we are still so raw and numb still that we can't feel their presence, but as John says, when our heart accepts that they never left, we will feel their presence and love.  The last moments of my sons life are branded in my mind.  I HATE THAT!!!!  the look on his face.  I can't even imagine what you have experienced having to relive seeing Donny the way that you did.  I am sure that you are experiencing PTSD symptoms.  ANYONE who experiences what you have would be dealing with the same issues.  Donny loves you so much more than you can possibly imagine now.  Whatever emotional pain he was in is GONE.  So his love for you is so much richer!!!!!!  There are times I actually pretend that Christian is walking beside me throughout the day.  Even though he physically isn't, there are times it really helps to believe that he is.  I am between thr two and three year mark and it doesn't seem much easier or softer.  I feel lost and confused and wishing that God would take me home sooner than later, but I also know that I have two other beautiful sons who need me.  I need and want to love them. 

I am rambling as well.  Just concerned for you and hoping that something someone says will help and keep you focused on living rather than dying.  I really do know what that feels like.  I spend more times wishing for death rather than life, but then I think how selfish that is.  Baby steps and deep breaths.  You have been such an inspiration for all of us on this board.  Please don't lose sight of that.  Donny is with you every time you write here, help someone here and he wants you to continue to live and help others. 

I truly wish I could take the pain so you could have relief for a while.  Give a little to each of us and know that "Joy shared is doubled and grief shared is halved"  So continue to share and continue to half the pain.  I am willing and here.

Love, grace and peace
LOVE AND GRACE ON THE JOURNEY,
PAULA


Kathy

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #11 on: April 25, 2007, 06:53:43 PM »
Dear Don,

I remember when I first came to this board and started reading your post because of your name and your son's name. My husband is named Don and my son was named after him. When I read your post over two years ago you give me the courage to post at this site. You are so needed at this board. The love you have for Donny is in every word that you write. I know that you and Donny were best friends as well as father and son.

If only all our words could bring you a moment of peace, a moment of comfort. Don, I have no answers to why our children died. The only answer I do have is that we are all here for you. We cry with you and we stand beside you in support each and everyday.

Tonight I hope and pray the good memories of Donny take over all the bad memories. I like to think that both our Dons are together, that they have met and they are sending their never ending love to us.

Love,
Kathy (Don's Mom)

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2007, 08:33:02 PM »
Don, I'm glad you could put it down in words sometimes that helps for the moment... I don't have answers at all... I just understand the pain.... and some say it gets better, but to me it has gotten worse, the missing the longing the deep deep sorrow.
Sending love to  you and your wife Bonnie
Saying DONNIE outloud......... and always remembering your son.....
Brenda

Chy Scott's Mom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #13 on: April 25, 2007, 10:05:58 PM »
How my heart hurts for you tonight.  My son didn't kill himself but I know the feeling of not wanting to go on without him.  I've said to myself that if I knew he'd be waiting I'd be there with him but I've another son here on earth and he still needs me.  I think, for me, that the mind can not truly grasp the fact of Scott being dead or else I would go crazy and die immediately from the pain and I believe it to be true because there are times, like the ones your having, that reality comes very clear and the pain threatens to overtake me and I still don't know what happens but I draw another breath and face another day, that is my destiny and I am resigned, for now, to see it through!  How my heart hurts for us all tonight!

JenKellisMom

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Re: Not Sure How Much Longer I Can Take it
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2007, 09:12:00 AM »
Don, I am so sorry you are feeling this much pain.  It never goes away, does it?  These days, I've been feeling a lot of the same things that you write about. 

In two and a half weeks, it will be one year since I saw my Kelli.  I've spent the better part of the last year wishing away the days not wanting to deal with the pain that missing my daughter brings.  Now, I keep thinking of the day in two weeks and the tears don't stop.  I can't bare for the day to come and yet, I just want it to pass. 

I keep trying to remind myself that the time that I will spend with my daughter in the next life will be infinitely longer than the time I miss her in this one. 

Just know that we're all thinking of you, your wife and Donny.