Author Topic: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!  (Read 8764 times)

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« on: April 09, 2007, 11:21:03 AM »
Here are some "thoughtful" expressions that others and I could have done without.
Please feel free to add to our list...

"It was his/her time."
Would that it be the "time" of anyone compelled to utter this one. No one who loses a child will be comforted by this statement.

"There was nothing anyone could have done."
Few suicide grievers find any solace in this throwaway line. Something damn well could have been done to save him/her!

"Did you know that he/she was mentally ill?"
No comment.

"He/she must have been very disturbed."
I believe that he/she was very perturbed. I'm the one who's disturbed by your ignorance.

"God wanted him/her more than you did."
I'd rather have heard: "He/she's with God now."

"Don't you think that you should be getting over it by now?"
This from someone whose most significant loss was her ninety-something grandmother dying at home with the family by her side.

"I know exactly how you feel."
If you haven't lost a child you don't have a clue, my friend.

"Why did you have to do it?"
Kevin who lost his young daughter to suicide told me how much he hated to hear this one resounding in his mind. I know what he means -- I hate to hear myself saying it, too.

"You know, you have to let him/her go."
No, I don't have to, and I never will. The part of him/her that lives in my heart will stay put.

"All that anger is keeping you from healing."
That might be true were "healing" an available outcome. Perhaps part of the anger is because I can't get over this. Take that back to your therapist for processing, okay?

"You've got to stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault. It was his/her free choice."
A suicidal individual in the throes of unimaginable suffering can make a "free choice" but I don't have the right to feel responsible for missing his/her anguish?

"Too bad that he/she wasn't stronger."
In the case of suicide, pain levels all. Experience psycho ache (intense psychological pain) and then talk to me about strength.

"He/she's in a much better place now."
His/her "place" was here for the 30-50+ years he/she lost. If he/she could have seen that his/her pain was temporary, he/she could have taken his/her time getting to that "better place."

"Well, you know that it's been more than (1 year, 2 years, etc.) now."
Sorry to be noncompliant but I'm still his/her Dad and will be forever.

"Try to only remember the 'good times'."
From a Mom at an SOS conference who remarked "I never had any other kind of 'times' with my son before he died."

"I supposed that now that you have a grandson it makes up for losing your son."
What perverse logic led to that conclusion? Actually the little guy often reminds me of what I've lost and what my son's missing.

"You need help. You really ought to see somebody!"
I'd really like to see my son/daughter again. That would help.

"I had a great Christmas with my family and all. Its really too bad that your daughter messed yours up!"
This was said to a mother whose daughter was murdered by a drunk driver. Parents who've lost children wouldn't wish it on anybody, but maybe there are exceptions.

"Well, at least he went out with a bang."
From a co-worker to the aunt of a 22 year old man killed by lightning.

"Good to see you back, time to get over it...the little missus has to realize that you can't spend all your time at home...you have to treat this like a military operational loss..."
From a "superior" officer to a father who lost his infant son at age 4 days.
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2007, 03:21:13 PM »
These things I still hate to hear and will never not get angry when I hear them.
"Hes in a better place." - Bullshit!!!!The best place for ANY child to be is with their parents!!And how the hell do you know there even is a "better" place?

"Youve got to move on." No!!!...I do NOT have to DO any such thing. I will go forward and live my life to the best of my ability but I most certainly will not "move on" from the loss of my firstborn son.

"I understand this is part of the grieving process." I heard this from the Judge at the State DMV Board hearing.....I almost jumped over the podium and spit in his face!!!I asked him if he was familar with the "grief process" since he apparently had lost a child of his own. He shook his head no and told me he thought my response was, "Out of line."

"He is walking with god." This is absolutely ignorant...first of all NOT everyone believes in "god" or organized religion and to make the assumption that your beliefs are the same as everyone elses is totally ignorant.

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2007, 04:27:39 PM »
"It was God's plan" (so was the killer God's little hitman?)

"Oh, everything happens for a reason" (what possible reason is there for a child to suffer and die?)

"It was God's timing" (that might be someone else's faith but it sure isn't mine!)

"God doesn't make mistakes" (God didn't do this, a drunk driver did)

"It was his time, we all have our time to die" (it was not his time, it was homicide)

"He's happy and at peace now"  (he already was happy and at peace!)

"Our souls choose when and how to die before they are born" (this is victim blaming.  it blames my child for his death and makes him responsible for my pain.  this is someone else's belief system and not mine or my son's.)

"At least you have another child"  (my child isn't less dead because he has a sister, his loss isn't any less, my loss isn't any less, people are not interchangable or replacable)

"The drunk driver was spared by God for a reason, he still has a purpose here"  (this came from the drunk driver and his family.  so what?  my son had no purpose?  he wasn't worthy of being spared?  grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!)

there are so many more, some downright cruel, some graphic that I couldn't believe I was hearing.



tysmama

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2007, 04:56:44 PM »
"I know how you feel."
This from people who have lost children even grates on me. I understand the pain each of us is going through. BUT no one knows how I feel unless I tell them. And no one knows my relationship with my child. It is different with each of us.

"How are you?"
This drives me crazy. How do they think I am? "How are you doing right now?" or "How do you feel today?" are so much better.

"You can't blame yourself."
Yes I can. That doesn't mean it was my fault, but I can blame myself if I want to.

"You can't live in fear everyday."
No I can't, but when I call my youngest son and he doesn't answer the phone, I can get in my car and go home. (I was at work when Ty died.) I can choose not to work on a Sunday without having Aaron with me. (My boss is great about letting me bring him on Sundays.) I can call every five minutes to check on Aaron if I want to. He understands. These are my choices and my family understands.

There are so many. Those are just my biggies. Most people have been great to not say inane things to me. I am very blunt though. Most people not close just stay away. This is fine with me. I have the ones closest to me and they are wonderful with my feelings. 

I wish everyone was given a book of appropriate things to say when they attend there first funeral. Wouldn't that make life easier? Wishful thinking again.

Thanks John,
Michelle

In Loving Memory "Boy Wonder"
Tylor Eugene Heath
April 3, 1992-May 21, 2006

shelly Tristans mom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2007, 07:11:18 PM »
The worst one for me is  "are you talking to anyone about this?"
I talk to everyone but it doesn't really change anything. It doesn't make me feel better and it doesn't bring my son home to me.  That is the bottom line.

" Don't blame yourself"  My response:  Don't tell me what to do, he is my son and I will blame myself as long as I want to.

"He is in a better place."  Well I guess I am just selfish and wanted him to be in this "place"  with me  for a while longer.

My all-time most hated one is...........It is time to move on.
  MOVE ON TO WHAT????? My son will not be coming back what makes anyone think that I want to "MOVE ON"   I will spend my time not moving on, not forgetting about my son, and reminding others to remember him too.

Thanks John it has made me feel better writing this stuff down.

(hugs)
Shelly, Tristan's Mom
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

Karen Paul

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2007, 06:38:13 AM »
I have been lucky not to have too many people saying stupid things to me. Being the aunt i am removed from alot of that. However, both Brian and Amy have been subjected to stupid people who say things that just floor us. In the very beginning, Amy told me that the DA (this is the person who is supposed to be on our side) told Amy that her son was dead and she was just going to have to accept that. Can you believe it? From the DA!?

Also after sentencing.. when the media had broadcast both Amy and Brian's statements in court, etc.. Brian had a co-worker come up to him the next day and say "Congratulations".. for what? Seeing the man who killed my only child get a sentence of 2-6 yrs.. after which he will be free to live his life and perhaps continue to drink and drive.. while Christopher will still be dead?!!!

That second year we were together with my family and my husband's for some reason.. don't remember what holiday it was.. and my niece Evan was getting ready to graduate (a year early) from high school (she is just three months younger than Chris).. she was talking to my mom about Evan going to college, etc.. and mom made some comment about the college being a tough college and Karen (my SILs name also) said "well, when you die in high school.. college doesn't seem so tough".. what she meant was that the high school was very tough, so college shouldn't be a big shock.. but it came out COMPLETELY wrong and I wanted to wring her neck. Thank GOD my brother wasn't at that gathering.. but I was fuming.. she had NO CLUE.. luckily my mom didn't take it the way i did.. but oh that one got me for a long long time (still does)..

Ack!

Karen

tysmama

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2007, 03:56:56 PM »
I had somebody tell a blonde joke at work the other day. It drove me nuts.
"How do you drown a blonde?" - I have told this joke before, but now it is devastating. Tylor is blonde and he drowned.  ???

I hate it, but unfortunately they don't understand.

In Loving Memory "Boy Wonder"
Tylor Eugene Heath
April 3, 1992-May 21, 2006

tanyasmom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2007, 05:55:53 AM »
people describing accident scenes they either saw on tv or drove by on their way to somewhere......I saw Tanya's car ...or rather the steel heap that was left...I don't need to hear people describe in great detail what "they" saw.  The scene is engraved in me as it is.

laurenE

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2007, 11:25:17 AM »
I havent lost a child but I lost my father when I was 12 and my mother just 4 yrs ago.     

With my mom only being dead 2 weeks my boss who happens to be a social worker  asked me  in her sickening sweet voice   "
So how does it feel to be an orphan?" 
How the hell do you think it feels bitch?

I found that comment to be extremely sick and cruel.

At the opening of my mothers will,  my mothers 47 yr old sister and my 26 yr old sister told the atty that  "my mother hated me so we want her out of the will,, we want everything". 


I swear I dont know how people live with themselves

quint906

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2007, 12:53:07 PM »
Cory developed diabetes 1 1/2 years before he died.  It was a very agressive Type 1 which put him in the hospital quite a few times with extremely high and low sugar levels.  I know my cousin meant well but she said to me "that maybe it's good that Cory didn't have to go through all the trauma that the diabetes was causing to his body."  The more I thought about it, maybe selfish on my part, but I would have rather had him with me.  I still wonder if I'll ever get to the "good memories" instead of living through  the worst memory of my life.

Lonnie

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2007, 03:44:29 AM »
Hi Friends: I haven't lost a child, but I have found this discussion to be so helpful as to what NOT to say to grieving people. I guess mine would be..."It was just his time." NO- it wasn't-the hospital was neglectful, and he came through the triple bypass with flying colors. It was the resulting complications and mistakes that caused his death.  I don't believe for a minute that 'it was his time."
Having read all the comments, I just want to say that many people just don't know WHAT to say, and sometimes we would be much better off if they DIDN'T say anything. Sometimes a hug, or an arm around the shoulder, means more than any words could. I remember telling a friend about some of the stressfull things that I had been through since last talking to her. I saw her eyes fill with tears, and that meant much more to me than anything she could have possibly said. Sometimes their presence is enough. Still, often people say things that they don't mean to, and there is no ill will meant towards us. Perhaps we can try to have some grace if the comment was well intentioned (even if lacking in understanding). And then there are others who purposely try and hurt us.  And don't forget the know it alls-who have ALL the answers, but have never lost a friend or loved one. But I give credit to the people who at least come and TRY to say or do something. Others avoid death and grieving people at all costs. I have noticed that few people stop their busy lives to even attend funerals anymore. Unless a person is a celebrity or very active currently in the work force or public life, they are not likely to draw a crowd. This in no way reflects on the person, but rather on the preoccupation of our society with constant activity and busyness to the point where no one even acknowledges death. This is so sad. Still, there are exceptions where people touched many lives, and many came to pay their respects. My dad worked as service manager at a car dealership, and knew practically the whole town, and was loved by so many. But the turnout was not very good at his funeral. But we were SO greatful for the people who did take the time to honor him by coming to the visitation and/or funeral. We realized also that many had not seen the obituary.
I think what means so much to me is when someone acknowledges our loss, and tries in some way to express their empathy. I especially feel close to others who have experienced the death of a close loved one, as I know you do here on the Child Loss Board, as you share your sorrow over the loss of your children. Let's face it, all of us have said things we wish we hadn't, and sometimes we are not as articulate and comforting as we wish, but it's what's in the heart that counts.  Hugs-Lonnie
« Last Edit: April 13, 2007, 01:40:57 AM by Lonnie »

quint906

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #11 on: April 12, 2007, 08:20:39 AM »
Lonnie,

Well said.

Jo

Lori, Alex's Mom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #12 on: April 12, 2007, 12:38:01 PM »
I think people tend to forget that no one needs or wants someone to tell them how to think or feel.

Many comments that are no-no's for someone to say to someone else, I may say to myself and believe them for myself in my situation.  Many of the comments are healing when I say them to myself, but it is no one else's place to say these things to those who are grieving.

Good comments:

"I'm sorry for your pain."

"I'm sorry; I can't imagine what you are going through."

"I don't know what to say, but I care."

And always, there is silence and a look of love or a hug...  Love says it all; it doesn't need words.

Peace and love to all,

Lori, Alex's mom

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #13 on: April 12, 2007, 08:16:50 PM »
One that I really really don't like and heard it so much until I started saying something back was " I couldn't do it"
Well after about a year of (my sister was one) hearing this I said well tell me, what would you do?? Tell me and I'll do it, cause all you can do is survive.. I didn't ask for this

Chy Scott's Mom

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Re: Some Things I Hated to Hear…ADD YOURS!
« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2007, 03:50:21 PM »
"You have to move on"  - haven't I drawn a breath?  Have I not put one foot in front of the other several times today?  If that isn't movement than I don't know what else is because if they mean that I need to emotionally arrive at the destination of LaLa Land where it's OK for Scott to be dead, then they more therapy then I ever have!

"the better place" issue- yeah, I'm still way to human not to be selfish enough to scream that "I want him Here"

"God"- can't even address that one much other than to say, bring him here because I want to kick his or her a**.

"It'll be OK" -Oh really?  So one day I'll wake up and it will be OK that my son was killed by a drunk driver that wouldn't even use his name as he was telling the system how he deserved this break and that break and yada yada ya.  I don't ever see that day happening.  I know, even without therapy that I will never wake up and be OK that my Scott is dead, never.

"Maybe you should talk to someone" - isn't that always coming from a person your talking to or do I have an imaginary friend in front of me?  And really, truth be told, if I thought fot one second that talking to a "professional" would somehow make Scott's death acceptable than maybe I would, and what a cold hearted callous bitch of a mother I would really be if it was OK my son is dead.

"Lost" vs "Dead" - hello, wake up, I didn't misplace him in K-Mart, he ain't lost, he's F**king dead and I'm mad as hell about it.

My mother attempted to tell me outside the laywer's office that she hired within 1 week of my son being killed that she knew how I felt.  Not a pretty scene and one of the few times I've been blantantly disrespectful to her and I leaned close and very calmly with a tight jaw reminded her that she has absolutley no idea how I feel, all 3 of her kids are still alive.
Thanks for allowing my 2 cents!