Author Topic: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!  (Read 3810 times)

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« on: April 09, 2007, 11:17:59 AM »
Something to GIVE to ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!

Unless you've lost a child...then…

Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.

Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.

Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.

Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?

Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.

Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.

Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?

Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.

Don't avoid us.
We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.

Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.

Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.

Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.

Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.

Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.

Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief cannot be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you are sorry.
We're sorry, too, and you saying that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those tired clichés you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.

Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.

Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.

Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.

Do mention our child's name.
It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.

Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.

Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.

Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.

Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.

Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”


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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2007, 04:42:52 PM »
John:  In reading some of the responses, I have to openly say that I am guilty of responding in the same way as some of the responses.  I did not do it out of malace, just out of ignorance and in some responses out of hoping to help.  I think that we can sometimes get caught up in the words and not be open enough to realize what is behind the words.  Naturally, it all depends upon who is saying what.  There are still some people who today say things that make my skin crawl but I know they do not say it to hurt me... and I usually have a kind way to respond to them.  I know of one couple in particular who lost their son to a car accident.  The mother was driving.  I did the right things by going to the funeral and going to pay a house visit and then I stopped.  The ironic part is that when we faced losing our son, they did the same exact thing that we did.  I feel no malice toward them because they remain suffering so deeply over the loss of their son that they cannot give to us.  I asked their forgiveness when I realized after Jason died that I did not seek or help them out after my initial response.  They said they understood.  We would not have been friends with these people before their son died and having the like experience still does not make us people compatable.  First and foremost, when I hear someone say something that could be construed as heartless or stupid, I go back to what I might have said when the situation was on their side.  So, after all this babbling, what I want to say is that I am less judgmental today than I was two years two months ago.
Rebecca Jason's Mom


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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2007, 09:45:29 AM »
That is my philosophy too Rebecca. 

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

Who, then, can so softly bind up the wound of another as he,
who has felt the same wound himself?
Thomas Jefferson

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2007, 09:55:45 AM »
Thank you, John.  I've seen this before and it's good.

Love and hugs,


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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2007, 07:31:53 PM »
I guess due to my Nursing background and the phenomonal clinical instructor I had I have never said inappropriate, ignorant things to someone who is burying a loved one. Especially not to someone who is burying a child. A friend I went to High School with lost her son 2 years before we lost our Charlie, I knew even then that saying or doing certain things were just wrong.
I dont pretend to know exactly how anyone feels and dont appreciate it when they claim to know the exact pain I am going through especially if they have no clue!!!Those of us who have been forced to bury a child unfortunately share a common it or not.
I have come to the point now that instead of politely ignoring inappropriate comments I choose to gently point  out that the comment although meant well is somewhat inappropriate and that a persons choice of words in a time of grief is extrememly important.
I would rather give my advice then have that person go on and continue to say the same thing to the next grieving person they come in contact with.
I guess I am the opposite of many of you as I have become more judgemental then ever since losing my precious son. I see parents who dont deserve children, I see parents who have no idea how lucky they are and I refuse to stay silent about it. In WalMart on Friday there was a couple with 2 very small girls and the father was trying shoes on the oldest daughter and griping at her...basically in a very inappropriate tone and telling her to stop being a whiny baby. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, you see my children over there?" He nodded and looked at me like.."yeah and??" My response was simple..."I should have 4 of them with me..I only have 3 because my oldest son is dead...think about that the next time you begin taking your frustrations out on your daughter." I then turned and walked away. He just sat there dumbfounded.
I have no tolerance for ignorance now NONE!!!And I have no tolerance for those who dont realize how lucky they are!
« Last Edit: April 11, 2007, 08:38:17 PM by MelissaCharliesMom »

Karen Paul

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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2007, 06:10:28 AM »
Good for you Melissa.. I think that is great that you find a way to tell people how lucky they are.. not sure I could have done it but applaud your honesty...



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Re: ALL those who “THINK” they know how WE feel!
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2007, 08:17:58 AM »

Wow!  Hope that was an eye opener for that father.

Very well said.