Author Topic: Trying to have a Happy Easter  (Read 7308 times)

4EVRdarrensSIS

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Trying to have a Happy Easter
« on: April 08, 2007, 11:19:20 AM »


I don't know about anyone else....but this is an extremely hard time of year for me.  Five years ago we were, unknowingly, counting down the days until goodbye.  This is the time of year that Darren went downhill really fast.  Everybody says that it gets better with time.  I'm not so sure that is true.  For me it gets harder and harder.  I don't know if it is the truth of it all slapping me in the face.....the acknowledgment that he is gone and never coming back?  Another day added to the count of how long ago it was that we heard his voice, his laugh......another holiday without him.  Drives me up the wall.  My emotions are all over the place every day lately.   I put up a slide show on my myspace page to remember all the good times with him.  I don't want to live without his memory, but it's like putting salt on an open wound.  Tares my heart all up to see his face.   "Nobody said it was easy, it's such a shame for us to part.......let's go back to the start....."
I hope that everyone has the best possible Easter that they can.  Make it through the best you can.....all we can do is take one second at a time, right? 
Happy Easter to all of you......
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ljcs

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2007, 09:16:11 PM »
First off, Happy Easter to you too. Holidays, no matter which, are always the hardest.  You're right...all we can do is take one second at a time.  It's been a little over 4 months since I lost my brother Jay and about 32 months since I lost my other brother John.  Looking at pictures, for me, is bittersweet...for a brief moment I can forget about the pain and remember exactly what was happening at that very moment - I can remember their laughs, their sarcastic comments, and mostly, what amazing men they both were.  I agree, it is like putting salt on an open wound; I don't think it is a wound that time will ever be able to heal, at least not for me. A part of me will be empty until the day when I see my brothers again. (and I'm sure when I get where they are they will give me such a hard time for crying so much, lol.)  Oh yeah, just let me say how awesome it is that you quoted Coldplay. (I'm a huge fan.) Take care darrensSis. :)
R.I.P. JDJ 1980-2004 & JWJ 1974-2006. My bros are back together again - oh my is Heaven in trouble. :)

4EVRdarrensSIS

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2007, 03:36:41 PM »
ljcs~  thanks for your comment.....i can't even imagine losing two brothers.....all i had was him and now it's like i'm an only child.  do you have any other siblings?  it's so true how looking at a picture can take you back to the exact moment it happened.  i miss my brother's laugh so much.....he was the only one that could put a smile on my face when i was pissed at the world.   i don't know if we should be thankful for the memories that we have or not.....it's great to think of him but it hurts so much. 
he was married but his wife cut all ties with us and he didn't have any children....THANK GOD....we would have never seen them.  i recently heard that she had gotten remarried and had the house up for sale.  tore me up....but that's a whole other story.....she's not worth the air i breathe.  anyways....thank you for your comment.  how did you lose your brothers???
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Jean

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2007, 07:03:47 AM »
Dear 4everDarrensis and ljcs:

I am so sorry for your losses...I lost my sister 6 months ago. I do have 2 older half-sisters but truly I feel like I lost my only sister. She was so beautiful and so funny. She always looked out for me, even as adults.

My mom got severely ill after my sister died...and was diagnosed with cancer. She died 2 weeks ago. I know my sister would have been there with me - we would have been helping each other through...but instead I was alone and it was the hardest thing to bare. I just wish we could turn back time, go back to just normal everyday little problems....It just doesn't feel like anything will ever be okay again.

May God bless you both and help you find the strength to cope and be happy.

ljcs

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2007, 08:32:04 PM »
Hi, I'm glad you wrote back.  :) I do have another sibling, an older sister. She is 34 (she is the oldest) and I'm 23...I'm the youngest.  My brother John died in 2004 along with his fiance' in a house fire - they both died of smoke/soot inhalation, we were lucky though (I know that sounds odd) but neither of them had a burn on them.  More recently, my brother Jay died in December 2006 from "acute bronchopnemunia".  We had no clue. He had been sick for a few days, a fever, body pains, chills & vomitting.  He was stubborn though and wouldn't go to the doctor (I guess that's a man for you though) He had moved home about 9 months earlier because he was going through a divorce. We have always been a close family, especially after John's death, so my parents welcomed him back home with open arms.  My mom had gone into his room around 11am to wake him up and found him unresponsive & immediately started CPR.  I was in between classes when my sister called and told me I needed to come home asap because something was wrong with Jay. I think I knew immediately he was gone.  When I got home, he was in the middle of the computer room floor and they EMTs were still working on him.  It wasn't long before they pronounced him dead.  It was almost surreal - like I was watching a movie or something.  We later found out that his pnemunia had become septic and the infection was in his blood, so even if we could have talked him into going to the doctor that day, it still would have been too late. My brothers were always best friends, getting into some kind of trouble together. Jay was devastated when John died and I think that John needed him more in Heaven than we did down here.  Jay left behind his 2 yr. old daughter and we are having problems with his wife.  We are lucky to be able to see her once a month, however, my parents are filing for grandparent rights.
I know it hurts to think about your brother but they way I look at it is, that I was lucky enough to have my brothers be part of my life for almost 20-some years & and now I have 2 angels in Heaven. I think you brother is lucky to have a sister who loved him so much, but I'm sure he knows that.  Wow, I really didn't mean to write a book on this post, lol.  I'm glad you found this board and that we are able to share our stories. I'm always here if you need to talk, vent, or just chat about random things like Larry Birkhead being ANS's baby's daddy. (lol, sorry I'm silly like that). I hope I'v been at least some help, even if it's to let you know you are not alone. Take Care.

-LISA
R.I.P. JDJ 1980-2004 & JWJ 1974-2006. My bros are back together again - oh my is Heaven in trouble. :)

4EVRdarrensSIS

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2007, 01:25:59 PM »
Lisa~  Bless your heart.  i'm sitting here reading your post and tears are just streaming down my face.  my family, like yours, was extremely close.  my brother got married in 2000 to the girl of his dreams.....i was never crazy about her.  she always seemed stuck up and spoiled...acted like she was better than us.  but i accepted her non-the-less...i didn't have to live with her every day.  the night he married her i sat outside on the curb crying...how sad is that?  the day we buried my brother, her mother came up to me and told me not to cry...tat we had to be strong for darren.   what the heck...excuse me but my brother never once saw me cry and we never talked about death....i think i can cry at his funeral.  that's just the way they were though....like everything was a show.  his wife's true colored sure shined bright when it was at the end for him.  i just hate that he saw what kind of person she really was.  after he died we saw her once, i think, that i can remember.  then she cut all ties with us.  we reached out a couple of times and she never returned the phone calls or the letters.  almost a year later we moved out of state to start fresh.....and about nine months later i found out that she had gone through all of his stuff and didn't even tell us.  everyting....gone.  i just keep telling myself it was just stuff.  he doesn't need it where he is and i can't take it with me when i go!  i have a lot of hurt from her that i am trying to sort through....five years later.  i'm so thankful they didn't have any children.....we would have never seen them.  i'm so sorry that you guys have to go through all of that with emma.  i'm so glad your parents are fighting it.  that's just crap to treat people like that.  who do they think they are????

i admire your attitude about all you have been through.  how your john needed jay more than you guys do.....i'm still dealing with taking fair out of my vocabulary!  HA!  it's a bit difficult!!!!  i miss him so much every day.  during football season i go to pick up the phone to call him when the steelers or penn state is playing....then i stop and think...oh, yeah....can't.  i HATE THIS.  i hate that we have this pain in common, but yet so thankful that i have someone that can relate.  my husband is precious and tries to understand but until you have been through it.......you can't really help.    ok now...i'm the one writing the novel!  i could go on and on and tell you all about darren and how awesome he was.  Seriously though, thank you for your sweet comments....for telling me that you think he was lucky to have me....but the way i look at it is that i was blessed beyond measure to have him for almost 25 years.  as much as i miss him, if i could do it all over again....and if i got to choose my brother....knowing how it would all end....i would still pick him. 

Thank you again, Lisa...keep in touch!  and the invitation for talking goes both ways!!!!  (((((((((HUGS))))))))))
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ljcs

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #6 on: April 11, 2007, 03:24:20 PM »
You're right...her mother had no right to tell you what or what not to do...She's not the one who lost a son/brother.  I'm so sorry about how his wife acted after his death. Having to lose someone you love is hard enough but having someone who you thought you knew totally turning their back on you is another blow.  As for her going through his stuff without your family...wow, are you sure our brothers weren't married to the same woman?! (lol, jk) I know what you mean though...even though it's just "stuff" it's really all we have left of our brothers. 
Ah...the word fair, I'm also trying to forget that word. As much I try to understand their deaths and as much I know there is nothing I can do to bring them back...I definitely don't think it's fair.  I remember the day that Jay died...it seemed the only sentence I could say was "why our family? why again? what did we do wrong?...it's just not fair." And it's not and I don't think it ever will be, but like I already said...there's nothing I can do except keep breathing.
The Steelers! John loved the Steelers! When they were in Superbowl in 06' (I think it was 06, right?) I told my boyfriend "I wish John could see this, he would be so excited." Chad said back to me "He's on the 50 yard line...he has better seats than we could ever wish for." It was such a simple reply, but to be honest, everytime I watch the Steelers I think of John above the field yelling at the refs "Are you kidding me?! That was most definitely a first down!" LOL. 
I would love to hear more about your brother. By the way you talk about him, he seems like such a great guy.
Thank so much for listening - hope you're having a good day. :)

-LISA

PS...I see you're on myspace, is it cool if I ask you to be my friend? (haha, that made me feel like I was 5)
« Last Edit: April 11, 2007, 08:18:27 PM by ljcs »
R.I.P. JDJ 1980-2004 & JWJ 1974-2006. My bros are back together again - oh my is Heaven in trouble. :)

4EVRdarrensSIS

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Re: Trying to have a Happy Easter
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2007, 09:29:07 PM »
how cool is that......both our brothers loved the steelers!  how funny.  i said the same thing during the superbowl too......we were watching it with my parents and of course we were all thinking about darren and crying b/c he would have been so excited.   i always said he helped carry the ball for them!  and we all joked about how he had much better seats than we did!!  we are from PA originally so we are all steelers and penn state fans!   i feel like we have so much in common. 
definitely hit me up on myspace!  i feel like i'm the other 5 year old checking the little "yes" box!!!  HAHH HAHAA  to funny.   
very thankful you are here!  gotta go to bed...have a busy day tomorrow...have a great night!!! 
~shelley
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