A first

[Rebecca]

Today was the first time since Jason died that I bought myself a pair of shoes and cared about the outfit it would go with.  I've bought very little for myself, only the bare necessities so that I don't have to go to a store.  In one of the stores, the music was blasting and while I can't remember the name of the song,some of the words were: "Im going to live forever, I'm going to learn how to fly".  My eyes welled up with tears, knowing my Jason and the rest of our kids are not going to live, period.   but thinking about the next line, I'm going to learn how to fly, made me think that Jason was sending me a message, he is flying, his spirit is soaring in death as it did in life.  Last week I bought some pants because it got to a point that I could not go to work in the same stuff day in and day out.  My friend went with me and she brought the stuff in and took it out.  I was exhausted but glad I went because I had to.  I am getting more use to living in my body... missing part of it...but my heart still says how much I miss Jason.  The words still keep going around in my head.  Tomorrow starts our Passover and my husband is working at the Temple for the sedar.  I said that I didn't want to work nor go because I remember when we went as a family... from little guys on.  I don't think I am jealous but I know I am envious.  I have decided that if I don't want to go, I don't have to.  Well, its been a while but I read every day and try to respond when I have something to say.  Don... not seen you here either...Judy, any word about the shakes...
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[CRCmom]

Rebecca,

I'm glad you have been able to do a little something for yourself.  I think that taking time out for YOU is important.  I have realized that I have a choice.  To live on and honor my sons life by somehow sharing what I know with others, or to become bitter and old.  I know what our children would want for all of us.  There are so many wonderful songs that remind me of my son.  Still most of my memories are sad, but occassionally I smile and feel how fortunate I was to have him in my life and feel happy for that.  Not to say I don't feel fortunate every day, but just to actually feel happy rather than sad. 

I hope this week goes well for you.  It is Easter week for me and there are no children to get stuff for.  :-(   Makes me sad. 

Love to you

[Rebecca]

That's it too! The holidays and no gleeful sounds from children.  Even though are children are gone, the gleeful sounds they made when children are (were) gone anyway.  Some were adults, some young adults... and then there were the real children.  The road is long... but u r so right, we can choose to be old bitter women or not.  I know for sure that Jason would not want that of me.  He loved life much too much.  He went and did whatever he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it.  There were times that I thought he put play before real life and work and told him so.  So where did it get me to tell him... I think he knew more than I did about life and the way to live it.  Wishing you a blessed holy week.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Johanna]

I remember too Rebecca, the first time I had to go shopping for some new clothes (because I had lost almost 40 pounds and nothing fit anymore).  I wish I had thought to have taken a friend, because it was exhausting, but I do remember now that you have written about it and I look back, consciously thinking that even though the pain of Micheal's loss was still there, it felt good to care about my appearance again and that he would be proud of me because he was always telling me I was beautiful. He would dance around the kitchen with me singing Trace Adkins "One Hot Mama" or that pop song called "Stacey's Mom".

The pain is still there, but it's good to let other parent's new to this journey know that we do learn to "get used to living in our body" as you so perfectly put it.  Thank you Rebecca for reminding me of how far I have come.  My heart till aches for Micheal every day, and I still have days that take me back to a year ago, but this spring I am able to notice when the sun shines and I noticed that my violets are beginning to bloom... neither of which I saw or cared about last spring.  You have given me a gift dear girl. 

Shalom u'vracha and (although I know it won't truly be happy) Chag Sameach Pesach Rebecca.
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

[Karen Paul]

Rebecca

Wishing you peace at Passover.. glad you got those shoes.. and have a friend to go shopping with.. I have little patience for shopping and only in the past year (3rd) have I been able to go and look at stuff without just getting frustrated and leaving the store.. it is exhausting.. and helps to have a friend there with you.. glad that you have felt like caring about you again.. that is so good...

I agree that Jason's spirit is in flight.. as with all of our kids.. I believe the spirit lives on..

I like what you said about getting used to living in your body.. I'm trying to do that too.. in my own way..

As Paula says.. it is Easter week for us here too. I have never really had any kids to get stuff for, but I know it is a hard time for Brian and probably Amy even more.. being the mommy I think she did the majority of the Easter preparations for Chris.. she wrote a poem about it that first Easter after he passed...

Johanna - I love the picture in my head of Michael singing Stacey's Mom and One Hot Mamma to you.. that brings a smile to my face..

Wishing you all a peaceful Passover and Easter..

Karen

Amy's Easter poem for Chris  - 2004

Easter

Another holiday has come
Without you by my side
It's Easter today
With no baskets to hide.

Filled with Kat Kat bars and mounds
Sour Patch and Swedish Fish
Please no jelly beans, Mom
Ok, whatever you wish.

Last year you were away
On a vacation filled with fun
Now it's a year later
And my world has come undone.

I hid a special gift
In your bag for you to find
It was your very own camera
To capture your special time.

I also included a card
That simply said "Hi, Son"
Happy Easter to you today
" I miss you, but have fun."

I found that card in your room
Soon after you left me
You saved it as a treasure
You left it for me to see.

Now that card from me to you
Is clasped tightly in your hand
You'll have it with you always
By your side I'll forever stand.

Please smile when you read it
And laugh a little, too
It will always be a reminder
Of how much I love you.

Happy Easter, Lovey...

[Donnys Dad]

Hi Rebecca, I'm still here just been quiet lately and just reading mostly.  So glad to hear that you got out for clothes.  Your doing better than me, I go no where, I order whatever I need on line now.  You are making progress and that is GREAT.... I am sure Jason is proud of you.  I know what you mean about songs they can hurt, but also send messages at times.

You are so right, if you don't want to go to the services then you shouldn't.  You have been pleasing and helping people all your life, take care of yourself until you are able.

Always thinking of you and Jason....