unfair

[lisa]

   My little brother (would have been 29 this month) decided for some reason that it was all too much - or something - he did not explain - all about 6 weeks ago.  I want to know why.  I want to know what he was thinking.  I want to know he knew he could have just picked up the phone and I'd have been there in a flash.  we didn't talk a lot - we lived in different states, had different lives (I am a mom of a 3 year old, married, have a career - he was single, still partying, a business owner) but I loved him dearly.  I should have known something was up when he did not show up for thanksgiving - he claimed he slept through it.  he did not join us for christmas or my daughter's birthday.  no call. nothing.  but it didn't occur to me that there was anything wrong.
my sister found him, curled up on the front seat of his truck, the morning after he died.  that image is burned in her brain.  not the one of him smiling.  not the one of him goofing around - picking me up and swinging me around.  the one of him dead.  my mother is torturing herself - driving up to the house and sitting by his truck - trying to figure it all out.  he was her baby.  she still keeps replaying the question - wasn't I a good mother?  I keep trying to make it all make sense. 

and I m just venting here.  but I desperately seek anyone who can say - yeah, I know what you mean.

[Donnys Dad]

Lisa, I am so very sorry about your brother.  I lost my Son, my only Son and my Best Friend by suicide also.  I can say yeah I know what you mean.  He lived 2 miles from us, saw him almost everyday.  Took trips all over together him and I. He was 30 years old.  Broke up with his fiance on Wednesday.  Said "Dad it is for the best, and I'll be fine".  Saw him Thursday and Friday, he was in a Great Mood on Friday.  Thursday he called me at night as she was leaving his house crying.  Said "Dad I just had to hear your voice".  I told him I would be right up and he said oh no Dad I'm okay now, just had to talk to you.

Was with him that Saturday night till 6:30 pm sitting in his workshop talking, 2 of his friends were there so I left.  His fiance was coming to get the rest of her things.

Sunday we did not hear from him all day.  Very unusual.  We kept calling and leaving messages, nothing.  At 9 pm a cold erie wind blew over me and I knew something was wrong.  Went to his house found him on his rec room couch, he had shot himself.  My life then ended with his.  We were so close, so very close.  He had tried to asphyxiate himself first and then when that failed used the gun.

I like you continue to asky WHY?  Why would he do this?  Why didn't he call again he knew I would be there in an instant.  Why did he not think what this would do to his sisters?  Why did he not think how it would destroy his Mom and I.  It will be three years this June.  There has not been one day where I have not cried and ask the same questions your Mom does, "Wasn't I a good enough father?"  I always thought our Love for each other would carry us thru anything.

I feel so sorry for your sister for finding him.  That image of finding your brother will be burnt in her mind forever.  I know each time I close my eyes I see Donny as I found him.  12 hours earlier we were laughing and joking.

Mention to your Mom about joining us in the Child Loss Board.  There are many great people there who listen, vent, and help each other.

Again I am so sorry for your loss.  Please keep coming back.

[middle sis]

Lisa,
I can't say I understand, because my loss isn't due from suicide. I do understand the impact of a sudden loss.  I wish I had some kind of comforting words, or some expertice wisdom to share with you on this, but I don't. Just know I care and I am thinking of you. Please come and vent all you need. We all listen. Take Care
Middle sis

[lisa]

 
thank you for your stories.  I will let my mom know about this place.  it feels good to talk to others who have also lost.  today I am so so  - not like yesterday.   I just miss him so much.  and I do not understand.  somewhere I read someone's response to a post that those who chose suicide are strong people - but I think it is a weak cowardly way out.  selfish.

sorry - I  hope I do not offend.  it is just how I feel today.

[rachel]

What I find helpful is at Revelation 21:4 which says" God will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more neither will mouring nor outcry nor PAIN be anymore. God has promised this to all of us.
                                                  Rachel

[jazzgirl]

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. I too lost my brother to suicide and the "why" questions and the blaming game seems to go on. Just remember your brother isn't in pain anymore and he is just patiently waiting your arrival. Every day that goes by is just 1 more day closer to him. Thinking about it that way seems to help me alot. 

[Autumn Leaves]

I've not lost a sibling to suicide but had a close family friend kill herself and it's so heartbreaking. Feelings were of shock and loss and hurt and anger and betrayal. How could she do that to us? How could she be hurting so much and not tell anyone? We'll never know what caused her to feel so bad she couldn't go on living. She was so young, just starting her life as an adult. She'd graduated from school and had everything to look forward to. Her parents and siblings are devastated.