Remembering his voice

[Matts little sister]

Today I had to call Matt's cell phone to ask his girlfriend a question ( she still has his phone right now).  I called and it rang several times and then went to voicemail.  It is him on there-his voice is still on there.  I broke down.  For one tiny little second I maybe thought he was still here although I know it was just a recording on his cell phone.  I wish there was some way I could keep that phone and listen to his voice whenever I wanted to-for the rest of my life-because I just do not want to ever forget.  It hurt so much to hear him because I know he is not here.  My grandmother passed away when I was 11- it has been 15 years since she has been gone and something that really bothers me is sometimes I can't remember what she sounded like.  I know this sounds silly but I do not ever want there to be a day when I can't remember Matt's voice-when he was happy, sad, excited or just a normal conversation. 

Today has been extra hard.  My fiance and I went out to eat with a few friends tonight and I felt okay about that-I even felt okay while we were there.  It is almost like it distracted me for just a minute.  But when we got home I could not hold back the tears.  It was like the day I found out he died was happening all over again-it just hit me when we got home that he is gone-how could this be?  I feel that my friends just want me to do this or do that b/c they think it will help me if they can take my mind off of it-but that is not comforting to me right now. 

I have been at my parents house every day the last four weeks (not very out of the ordinary to be there almost every day)-I feel that  the only comfort for me right now is to be with them and do anything I can to help them out or just to talk.  My 6 year old nephew (my other brothers son) lives with my parents and has for a year now.  My brother works out of town 3 hrs. away.  My nephew is my little buddy.  He has had a very hard time in his six years-his mom passed away 1 year ago Feb. 17-he was 5 when this happened.(my brother and her had recently divorced)  She passed away Feb. 17, 2006 and Matt on Feb. 15, 2007-I have to say I will never be very fond of February-February will always be a hard month for me and everyone in my family.  Now his Uncle Matt is gone too-I know he is very young and probably does not understand completely-but he does know he will never see either of them again and he misses them both.  My mom did tell me yesterday she did not know what she would do right now without him there. I feel maybe he brings her and dad a bit of happiness ( if that is even possible for them right now)-or maybe just something to keep them going right now during this awful time in their lives.  He is such a good little boy-I love him so much.  Matt loved him so much also-I sent a picture of the two of them with Matt on the day of his funeral when we said our final goodbyes. 

Wow, I have rambled on and on.  Today was just so hard.  I miss Matt so much. I just don't understand.  I have said that every day for the last four weeks-tomorrow will be four weeks that he's been gone.
Thanks to everyone-please know I think of you all often and I will keep you all in my prayers every day. 
With much love,
Courtney

[Trisho]

Dear Courtney -  I am so sorry for your loss.  It is just plain hard and a difficult journey when we lose someone we love.  My father died in 1982 at the young age of 51.  After so many years have passed I have always struggled with that if I could only remember his voice.  I sometimes think I know what he sounded like but not sure.  I used to tell my fiancee to make sure and tape his parents so that he would have that.  He had never really lost anyone close.  I told him for sure I would want that saved of my mom even if it was a message on my answering machine.  Ironically my fiancee died 11-14-05 suddenly.  My sister was kind enough to get his voice from his cell phone recording as well as the message at his home.  I have them on my computer and can listen to them whenever I want.  It is very hard but at least I know I have them.  The weekend before Tommy died we had been in Las Vegas and he had left me a message on my cell phone.  I had saved it.  Unfortunately when Tom died that Monday, somehow that message was erased.  I was devastated because it was a conversation message that he had left especially for me not just a recording.  But I am fortunate to have that.  So what I would suggest is just ask her to let it go to voice mail and then record his message so you can keep it and listen to it at times when you wish. 

My heart breaks for you and your family.  I hope someway peace finds you all quickly so you do not suffer the long journey of grief.  Hugs.  Trisho

[Matts little sister]

Dear Trisho,
I just want to start by saying I am so sorry for the loss of your dad and your fiancee Tom.  Please know I will be thinking of you.  Thank you so much for your message-thanks for the advice.  I will definately try to save his voicemail b/c I believe one day I just may want to listen to it so I don't ever forget.  You are so right that it is just plain hard and a difficult journey.
Thank you again for your kindness and advice.
With much love,
Courtney (Matt's little sister)