Parenting Tristan's Memory

[shelly Tristans mom]

Yesterday was such a tough day. My job is requiring alot of my time and attention right now and I really truly welcome the distraction, but....  the drive home last night was awful.  Screaming and crying I had to pull over on a county road and  get myself together.  To much stuff jumbled up in my head. I had the strongest urge to go to the cemetary I don't know what kept me from doing it. (it is against the law here to be in there after dark)  I just wanted to be near his earthly remains.  I just wanted to be there. 

Tomorrow is clean up day at the cemetary. Today I have to go there and clean off all of the things that my family and (mostly his )friends  have left on his spot over the last 11 months and 15 days.  Flowers, angels, bracelets, urns, plaques, poems and everything else that was left for him. I hate this!!!!!

Taking care of his spot is how I can still " parent"  my child.  Keeping his memory alive is the only thing I have left now. That is my job as his parent.

(Parenting his memory) (somebody on this board said it and it stuck with me)
                                                 Thank you!!!!

My husband, Tristan's Dad, is having a really hard time. He hardly talks anymore. He stays out in the garage almost every moment he is home.  I can't help him , for heavens sake I can't help myself. Richard doesn't even say Tristan's name anymore. He just says " He" whenever he mentions Tristan.  If I am not following he gives me "the look"  and I  just know. 

This is a tough row to hoe and I don't think we are handling it very well.

Thank you to everybody who responded to my post yesterday. I want you all to know that you all give me hope and stength to go on from day to day. (Even if I can't post I read as often as possible)
Thank you.

Shelly, Tristan's Mom (brokenhearted at best)

[Karen Paul]

Shelly

Things you have said remind me of things Amy (Chris' mom) has said.. that taking care of the spot at the cemetery is a way to still "parent".. the only way left.. and keeping his memory alive so important.. interesting how differently others handle it.. my brother can't say the word cemetery or that Chris "died".. he just says "where Chris is" or Chris' spot.. or something like that.. or "when Chris left"

As you say.. so impossible to help your spouse when you can't help yourself.. I think that is true for most people.. we have to help ourselves first.. as do they.. such a solitary journey that way.. and when each person has such a different way of grieving it is even harder.. my prayers are with you both..

luv and hugs, Karen

[rinakop]

my oldest daughter took some of the stuff from his grave over the last 3 years and his picture and mass card and had a shadow box done as a christmas present this year - we were very surprised and it is wonderful.  she took it to a professional place and had it done - it also helps preserve some of the items in it.  just an idea -

[shelly Tristans mom]

Thank you Karen, Rina, and Judy for the responses and the ideas. Last year Jeanne ispired me to build a memorial garden and I have decided to put the plaques in there.

I like the shadow box idea and the trunk, (I had been thinking of this already because of all the things of his that are stored in the back bedroom. I want to be able to get to them at a moments notice.)

It was storming when I went to pick up the stuff. I parked and waited about 5 minutes in the car. As soon as I got out of the car the rain stopped and the sun came out. Maybe Tristan didn't want me to get wet. Just kinda cool how it happened. 

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Hi, Shelly,

Parenting his memory. I read that in Elizabeth Edwards book. She talked about her sons death and how that is all she had left. It always stayed with me too, as I do that as well.

You and Tristan are in my thoughts, I know how hard this path is.
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Donna Jasons mom]

Hi Shelly:
It's so sad for all of us, now our decisions for our kids are silk or real flowers.  It's just so unfair but I try to remember how Jason taught me to love and their are some people who never experience that kind of love in their lives, we were blessed to have our children, even if for a short time!!
Always remembered in our hearts!!
One day, one moment, one breathe at a time!!
hugs and love
Donna (Jason's mom)