Author Topic: Almost a year  (Read 17542 times)

Jparks

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Almost a year
« on: March 10, 2007, 03:40:49 PM »
My little brother passed away at the age of 20 on May 23rd of 2006. I am a strong person and have always dealt with death in a healthy way. This time though, I am falling apart almost a year later. Ive lashed out at everyone around me and dont really care if I live or die half of the time. I cant talk to anyone, because noone can relate or understand. My family is no help, because they are all in their grieving still. I feel like he just died. I came here because out of nowhere I hit the ground crying about an hour ago and it wont stop. Maybe I held it in too long. I feel miserable and my faith in God is shearing away. I am beginning to feel like maybe there is no God. Its bad enough to be sad, but to lose your faith in your god or any god whatsoever seems bad. My brother was mentally handicapped and a beautiful human. No hate, no anger, just love and appreciation for everything my family did for him. How can a sinless person go through months of pain and die like that? I didnt think God did those things, but here I am almost a year later with my loving, perfect brother gone. I needed to vent somewhere. Thank you for having this site available to do that.

sissychris

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2007, 10:08:38 AM »
My sincere condolences on the loss of your brother.  It doesn't seem fair at all, I totally agree.  But please try not to give up on your faith in God.  Faith and believing may be the things most likely to carry you through.  Though I absolutely abhor cliches, think of the poem footprints, where it says, "the Lord replied," My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you.  During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."  God never promised us an easy life or one without suffering, but we are promised the greatest reward at the end if we hold tight to our faith and believe.

And if crying is what took you over, then by all means cry, cry, cry.  You can still be strong and be moved to tears, to have doubts and fears none of that takes anything from who you are or how strong you are. You have suffered a terrible loss and are more than entitled to your feelings, now, next week, next year, and the next decade.

Love and Prayers
Christi

Jparks

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2007, 02:33:50 PM »
Thank you sisy for your kind words. Footprints is on of my favorite poems. Something my sister and I have discussed before is that if he wasnt an innocent soul and had sin in his life, would it be this hard to deal with? It was as if we were given a perfect angel and God took him away from us. Maybe I should see it as God gave us a perfect angel for a while and then he had to go home to wait for us. I get really broken up because he was a special needs child and my Mother revovled her entire life around him. That was her life for 20 years and it was hard, yet she did it with the utmost love and absolutley no regrets. I get sad wondering if it was this hard for me, how hard is it for her? Our family may not have been so close if his love had not entered our lives. At the funeral there were well over 400 people there. It was amazing! The nurses, homhealth aides, neighbors and people who had just heard of him were there. I am blown away at how many lives he touched. That makes the loss hurt more for some reason and I feel it should make it easier to bear. It feels good to be able to get this out even if its on a forum.

Lonnie

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2007, 12:17:47 AM »
JSparks: I also had a "faith crisis" when I lost my dad recently. And I am an ordained minister! LOL!  :o Somehow, when it is someone we are very close to, it shakes us to the core, doesn't it? Nothing makes sense, and when we can't make sense of it, we blame God. But God grieves with us. I just told someone that I remembered the verse about Jesus saying to the disciples when things got rough, "Will you leave me too?" And they answered, "Where would we go? Only You have the Words of Life." That is the place I finally came to with my faith. Where else would I go but to the Father's arms? I was pushing Him away with one hand, and hanging on tight with the other. It is a normal reaction to things we don't understand. I believe one day we will have the answers. The Bible says that for now, we "see through a glass darkly, but then face to face." Somehow I think someday we'll know the answers.
What a wonderful person your brother must have been that 400 people came to his funeral!!!! (I would be hard pressed to gather 10!) I can tell that he enriched your life and the life of everyone he came into contact with! He's probably up there blessing the angels!!!! LOL! The world was certainly a better place because he was in it. And so much credit goes to your mom for loving unconditionally and giving her entire life to his nurturing and well being. May God bless you in the days to come and may you find peace and a return of your faith. Many Prayers-Lonnie

PAT B

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2007, 02:19:15 PM »
Your brother did his part in bringing unconditional love in your lives.  While alive he had a sinless life and appeared to be an inspiration to 400 people.  What I know of God, he was right there suffering and comforting your brother.  You know death did not hurt until Satan was expelled from heaven? 

Know that where your brother is there is no suffering, no illnesses, no syndrones, and no physical pain.

Believe me if God gave him a choice of staying or coming back.....He would choose to stay.

Without my faith, knowing my husband is with God, I know I would be jumping  off a building!

I am so sorry for your loss, but hold my hand and we can do this together!

Jparks

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2007, 10:59:07 PM »
Well I have to thank everyone. This little bit of release has made a world of good for me.I am already becoming calmer and nicer to others. I was hurting so bad inside, that I lashed out at everyone. I will continue to come here, knowing this isnt over, but man it does feel good to release some pressure. Thanks again all.

jazzgirl

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2007, 02:10:29 PM »
It has been a year and 4 months for me loosing my brother and I have to say it is still a roller coaster ride.  It is very painful. Some days I'll be just fine and other days out of nowhere I will just cry all day. 

Jparks

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #7 on: June 04, 2007, 06:42:06 AM »
Well one year has passed as of May 23rd. Was a difficult day. The night before I was irritable and cranky and didnt realize why until my ex girlfriend said what the next day was. It really slipped my mind that day and I immediately broke down in front of her. The hardest death to deal with yet in my life, but I am coping better as of late. I hope others do well in their losses. Its a tough thing to lose a loved one.

laurenE

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2007, 06:58:45 AM »
JParks,

I'm glad to see you back on your feet again.  Those anniversary dates are so painful.    They get easier as the yrs go on somehow.  I'm still not quite sure how that works but somehow it happens. 

As for your struggling faith.  I've been there as well.  God and my faith are my foundation,  yet many times I start to question and doubt,  and that is scarey.   I have found that the more I question,  the more I am driven to seek him and find the answers. This in turn draws me closer to Him so I dont think questioning and doubting is a bad thing.    It helps me to go talk to my pastor or a christian counselor in the community.   I pray you will find someone good to talk to.   We all need a live mentor to run to once in awhile,  its how we grow.

You are not alone in your grief and in your questions.

laurenE

jazzgirl

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2007, 05:51:24 PM »
Hi jparks,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother passing. He seems very sweet from what you say about him. I lost my brother too Jan of last year. His was more selfish though. He committed suicide. One thing that has helped me thru all of this though is knowing that he is not in any pain anymore. He can walk and get around now like everyone else. God doesn't want to see his kids in pain. I do believe that is why my brother is where he is. I just feel in my heart that God told him to come home that night because his pain and hurt on earth was too much.

I do understand what you are saying about questioning your faith. I have learned though when I have questions that I don't understand about my faith, God seems to get his message thru one way or another. Whether it be thru a service, or a song, or someone elses comment. He is listening at all times and watching. Just keep your eyes and mind open and you will see.

I'll be thinking of you.

Jazzgirl

Jparks

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #10 on: July 09, 2007, 03:51:25 PM »
Bad day for me, but you know, when I say bad, thats not really true. I'm weepy and my voice gets choked up, but today it is more of a cleansing feeling. I work 2 16 hour shifts at a nursing home as a nursing assistant and this weekend was hell. I think looking at my brothers pictures cleansed my stress and allowed me to release bad emotions bottled up from my job.  Just writing down my feelings is all. I hope everyone is having a good week and Ill be thinking about all of you here.

tina

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #11 on: July 12, 2007, 09:32:25 AM »
I lost my little sis Bette last year August 28th.  At first we thought is was suicide.  I get a call at work from my sister Lois who tells me to sit down and says Bette died in her sleep.  She went to sleep and just did not wake up. 

Weeks before I had a huge fight with Bette about her drug problem.  I called her one day and she said she was flying a blue kite in the house and that it was beautiful, then she said my mom was trick or treating and fell and was in the hospital.  She was at my mothers house visiting my mom when all this occured.  It was mid July, my mom could not have been trick or treating and Bette was delayed in answering my questions and slurring really bad.  As she had a drug problem before I recognized immediately that she was back at it and that it was serious as she was hallucinating while talking to me.  She hung up that day and a couple days later I was able to get her on the phone again at my moms this time more lucid.  I told her about our last conversation and she said she was just tired, or her blood pressure medication makes her like that sometimes.  I knew that was bull and I told her I would not help her or send her money or associate with her anymore unless she agreed to get help from me or my father and begged her to get away from my mother who is no example of how to live.  She hung up on me and that was the last time we ever spoke.  She sent me pictures the next week from my fathers house as if to tell me we would never not be sisters they were all these pictures of us as kids arm and arm.   She wrote me that letter with it to tell me she loved me and had a great time with my Dad but did not get help.  I was supposed to meet her and my Dad to take them jet sking and I was so mad at her I did not go... the next week she went back home to mass and went to sleep and died. 

I thought it was my fault for so long as we did not get the autopsy results back until Jan. of this year... the tox screen showed that it was an overdose of blood pressure pills and crystal meth that killed her.  I did not know about Crystal meth and did not know people purposly take those pills with it for their heart... she made a bad combination trying to get high and died from drugs.. for months I believed it was from suicide and had blamed the fight we had as partial reasoning for her choice.. but that was not what she was doing she was just trying to get high and died.. it was not my fault afterall.  Some how I still feel the greif and the guilt.  Having it end this way is so wierd that I dont know how to feel. 

My family god bless them is a bunch of messed up individuals.  My mom is a pathalogical lyer who buys and collects junk and lives in the worse hole in the ground falling apart house you can image.  She is not focused in reality and from time to time has her own issues with prescription drugs she takes legally for "back pain"  At least she would like to belive thats why she takes them... my mom just makes up a world she wants to live in cause she one she really lives in is just not good enough for her.  My mom was raised by the two greatest people in the world however when she was little she was my grandpas favorite and spoiled rotten, until her little sister was born and she became the favorite, then she was very jelous of the attention her father gave her little sister and she was very hateful of her growing up and that is when the lies started.. as a competition for his affection and attention... that is the only explanation anyone in our family can ever give me.  I know when I was little I was a little jelouse but Bette and I were like twins .. only a year and a half apart and my mom dressed us alike and I really got along with her most of the time great as kids and even when we fought we really loved each other and always got over it and most of the time really enjoyed the company of each other... I moved out young and should have taken Boo (Bette) with me but I was 13 when I moved out cause moms huband beat the tar out of me.

I just had to go... she stayed in that hell the longest and she never healed.  My older sister got out at 17 as a stripper in some bar to pay the bills but she got out and anything was better than home then... the men, boyfriends, husbands 11 of those, all were terrible to us.  Rape, child abuse, verbal and physical abuse were no stranger to any of the three of us.  We can tell you more about that than most will ever know.  Mom's last husband.. the only one that was not a drunk too or physically abusive has lasted the longest and been the nicest is just messed up in other areas.... collects junk.. to the point that he should be embarrased.. but is not.  He can not afford 300 window air conditioners, nor will he have a place to put them and they will not all get sold or used even but he has to spend the money even though they live in a hole and even though 250 of them will end up garbage piles in his yard he just has to do it.  He has a pool he built for my mom... what a joke... I laugh at this but at the same token I just cry... the pool they could not afford a real one.. they will tell you it is a real pool and describe it like it was Tiger Wood's pool but its not, it is a hold in the ground he doug with some crappy tractor he borrowed that is uneven and not even a shape, then he took an above ground pool liner he bought.. (not to worry if it rips now he bough 8 of those) and layed it down, cut a small hold for the pump..oh yes the pump.. that was a little hot tub bubble maker for your bath tub.. that is their pool pump... bet your laughing now!   These are the people I call my parents..this is where my baby sister who drowned her self in drugs had to live.  This mess of a home... Bette was raped and beaten more times than I can count, I along with her.. but old fat mean men.  Now at 33 years of age with no children and no real job ever and no real love of her own, never married, never had anything to show for her life other then her great smile and how much she loved life anyway.. is dead.  This just sucks!!!
.

Jparks

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2007, 11:02:32 PM »
Thursday morning, my girlfriend was found at a friends house dead from an overdose of drugs. Her and I were split up for a bit and she got back into drugs in the month she was gone. My brother last year and now this. My mind is reeling. I do not know what to do and noone I know realizes how close to insanity I feel right now and I dont know what to do. I was just healing from last year, what in the world am I going to do?

Lonnie

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #13 on: October 03, 2007, 03:01:19 PM »
Jparks: (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Big Hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))). There are no words to express how sad I am for what you have been through. I know you are completely in shock. It's not fair that you have to experience such losses. Please come back and talk with us anytime you can. Several of the people on the main board have suffered the loss of more than one person close to them (fairly close in time), and it really is a different dynamic, trying to cope. It seems that the losses just pile up and you lose your balance. Both my bio dad, and my stepfather (since I was 7) died close in time to each other, and suddenly I had no father at all. It is so hard to take multiple losses. I am going to try and put your post on the main board as well. You will get more response to dealing with the loss of the girlfriend there. So check there also. Please let us know how you are. Many prayers and hugs-Lonnie
« Last Edit: October 05, 2007, 02:36:40 PM by Lonnie »

laurenE

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Re: Almost a year
« Reply #14 on: October 03, 2007, 03:44:43 PM »
JParks,

I am so sorry.   Please know that your gf suicide was not your fault.  She evidently had some other  issues going on,   whether it be drugs, alcohol or major depression.  I dont know.     Please surround yourself with people who will be there for you.   Know that we are here for you as well.

hugs,
lauren