Author Topic: Do You Ever (caution)  (Read 5091 times)

Kim- Matthew's Mom

  • nospam
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Matthew 06/23-/1986- 04/19/2004
    • View Profile
    • memory-of .com
Do You Ever (caution)
« on: March 05, 2007, 09:27:19 AM »
Do you ever have a time when you are just sitting there and all of a sudden you are transported back in time to that moment when you were in that room or place where you last saw your child.  Lately I have had those moments so often.  I can be doing fine or so I think and all of a sudden I am back in that hoppital room with Matt just lying there.  I seem to remeber every detail, every horrible but beautiful detail.  Those were some of the last moments I saw him on this earth.  They seem to bring so much pain but somehow I can't seem to get past thme. 

I just seem to be struggling so much more these days.  I do not know if it is because we are approaching the 3 year mark and all the shock is gone and the full reality has hit.  It has been 3 years since I heard his voice or seen him smile.  I know that so many of you know exactaly what I feel. 

Family and friends seem to go weary of the story and I try to hide my pain and it seems to help them cope.  It does not ease my pain but I just do not know of any other way to deal with others than to wear a mask during the day and cry in the shower and in the dark of night.

Thanks for listening you guys have been such a rock for me over the past three years and I appreciate you all dearly.  I think of you and your children daily and I remember each of you in my prayers.

My God bless and keep you all of your days and may you find peace.

SueH

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 208
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2007, 10:02:33 AM »
Kim
Yes.... I relive every moment.. every second all the time.  I could be watching a tv show, or movie, or even talking to someone about something that might be important.. and I can actually see.. in my mind...like another screen of Sara's death happening at the same time.  This has been going on now since she passed.. over 5 years. And it gets really confusing, especially when I'm trying to concentrate on something else. Everything is just so hard.

Sue *Sara's* Mom
"yep yep yep"

quint906

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 204
  • Cory
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2007, 10:52:41 AM »
Hi Kim.

Yes, I remember the last time I saw Cory.  It was 8 months before he left me.  He was up here in Milwaukee, getting the results of tests for possible lymphoma.  They came back clean but had to be checked every six months.  I took him to the airport, and I remember how proud I was of him.  I watched him until I couldn't see him anymore as he walked to board the plane.  That was my last hug and kiss and the thing I regret the most.  I couldn't see him because I was up here taking care of my mother.  I try to relive that moment because of how I felt that day not knowing it would be the last time I touched him and he touched me.  I miss hearing his voice, seeing his smile and being enveloped by his big hugs.  These are feelings that can never be replaced no matter how hard people try to "fill in".

My thoughs are with you and what we all share.

Jo - Cory's Mom

Johanna

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 139
  • Micheal at Wonderland
    • View Profile
    • Micheal's Memorial Website
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2007, 04:44:13 PM »
Of course that still happens Kim.  I expect it always will. 

I still cannot watch shows about hospitals. 

I cannot be anywhere near if there are people working on a roof. 

I suddenly (after 22 years of dealing with cuts, bruises, stitches, scratches and scrapes) became sensitive to the sight of blood - I become light-headed and have to sit down with my head between my knees or I faint (the closest I can come to an explanation is that Micheal still had dried blood in his ears and nose when I arrived at the hospital, and there was still a little bit of blood coming out of one ear). 

Sometimes something triggers the flashback, but sometimes it just happens without any warning or reason.  And yest, it does make it difficult to concentrate Sue.  There are times I miss entire conversations because I am back in Micheal's ICU room or the emergency room.  I have had to go back to my manager after a meeting where I am taking minutes and have her fill in sections of the meeting that I zoned out during.  Luckily she is very understanding about it.

Sometimes I think (no, I know) that I get more support here Kim, than I do from my own family.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom


Who, then, can so softly bind up the wound of another as he,
who has felt the same wound himself?
Thomas Jefferson

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1134
  • Tammie (My Precious Daughter) 8-9-65/9-14-05
    • View Profile
    • Project Tammie
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #4 on: March 06, 2007, 06:45:11 AM »
YES, I understand completely and your so right family and friends don't want to hear it anymore so we hold it all in.

It is so very hard when these thoughts are so vivid for us.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

LuAnn

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 16
  • Mel and Drake
    • View Profile
    • Mel and Drake live in my heart
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #5 on: March 06, 2007, 07:54:59 AM »
My grandson has been gone for 2 and a half years and I can still be transported back to that day and place. I see everyone so vividly and can feel the extreme pain, horror and disbelief. I have to say to myself to stop thinking about that episode and think about a different memory of him. I try to picture myself picking up the remote control to my mind and changing the channel. I might have to do this several times before it works. I can also hear my grandson's voice say I'm OK, Grandma, don't think of me in that place.

I do the same thing with the memory of the phone call and the ER for my son, my cousin and my nephew. I guess I get lots of practice on this skill.

I definitely agree with friends and co-workers just getting tired of hearing about it. I have a wonderful family and since we have had so much tradegy in our lives we know that it never is far from anyone's mind.

I'm also just tired of putting on a happy face for people who are unconfortable with my pain. I'm uncomfortable with their happiness and awkwardness around me.

JenKellisMom

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 215
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #6 on: March 06, 2007, 07:56:12 AM »
It has been nearly ten months, and I think about that moment every day.


"It does not ease my pain but I just do not know of any other way to deal with others than to wear a mask during the day and cry in the shower and in the dark of night."

I could not have said this any better.  I often wonder why I spare everyone else and keep my pain to myself only to be released when I am alone.  I guess I feel like everyone else will move on and get past this and I will be feeling this same pain forever so I need to figure out how to deal with it for MYSELF and by myself.  Coming to this site is definitely a reliable source of comfort.

Thinking of you all often.  Blessings.

marie

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 220
  • Patrick & Biscut
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2007, 08:39:01 AM »
Of coarse you will get them from time to time. They are called flash backs. You will always have them. I get them about Patrick when he was in the hospital. You get them because you are still grieving and always will. LOVE AND HUGS MARIE PATRICK"S MOM GOD BLESS
                 

laurasmom

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2007, 07:16:30 PM »
For a long time every time I closed my eyes I would see Laura going headfirst through the rear window of the car, even though I was not there when it happened.  The car was hit so hard that her seat broke and fell backwards, and her seat belt, which was fastened, was cut from metal underneath the car.  A state police officer said he had never seen anyone wearing a seat belt thrown from a car the way she was, but when the police and my attorney pulled the door from inside the car, the seatbelt was still fastened, but severed above where it was fastened.  The police took a picture of it, and included it in the report. I did get to see her in the hospital and touch her, she was intubated but looked so sweet and tiny.  I can still remember rubbing her arm, and where her arm touched her body it was still warm.  I will never forget holding her that last time.  The hardest thing I ever did up to that point in my life was walk out of that room and leave her, I would have stayed until they threw me out instead of just being there for about an hour, but my son had been taken to the trauma center (she was at our local hospital), and I had to get to him, not knowing what condition he was in at the time (he survived).  I am at a point now where I do not imagine her being thrown as much but at times it does still sneak into my mind.  Mostly now I just remember holding her, and it is bittersweet.  But I do remember good things more now too, how she would hug me, and how she felt, her laughter and joy of life.  Those things I will never forget.  I am into my 4th year, and this past year has been my worst year, I think the numbness starts to wear off and the reality sets in.   But I don't know that I will ever reach the point where my heart will ever accept what has happened.
Lois, Laura's Mom

Dena

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1252
    • View Profile
Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2007, 02:49:13 PM »
Kim - I still do that. The last flash of his smile and hearing him say "I love you too, Mom".  That is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom