I Think I Am losing Touch With Reality - Multiple Deaths

[LuAnn]

I am blessed to be part of a wonderful tightly knit family but it seems that we are being picked off one at a time.

On May 8, 2004 my beautiful 5 year old grandson, Drake, was hit by a truck and killed. Six weeks later my 33 year old cousin was killed when he fell down a flight of stairs moving a desk.

On June 30, 2006, Mel, my oldest son and Drake's father died of a drug overdose.
 
My only sister has been my rock throughout these past 2 years of horrible pain and impending depression. She was planning on going to the cemetery on Feb 12th with me to remember Mel's birthday. Instead we were both at the hospital watching her 33 year old son die from a single car accident. Her son died on my dead son's birthday.

This is like a horrible continuous nightmare that we can't wake up from. How could my sister's son have been taken. Hasn't our family been punished enough???

I was a rock for my sister at the hospital and throughout the funeral process. Many,many times I just wanted to sit down and cry hysterically but I would take deep breaths and say "right now you need to take care of your sister because she has been taking care of you"

Now I am finding that almost everything is too much for me. I'm trying to work but I'm doing a very poor job of that and am constantly worried that I will be fired. The simplest tasks overwhelm me, I cry constantly, absolutely can't sleep and activities that used to bring me pleasure or comfort don't work. People have always said that the women in my family are so strong but I don't want to be strong anymore. I'm cracking up and judging myself very poorly for it. Any comments would be helpful and welcomed. How am I ever going to get through this?

[MelissaCharliesMom]

I understand this situation all too well. My sisters best friend killed himself in 2003. On June 26 of 2004 my precious 10 year old son Charlie was killed in a car accident. In 2005 my grandmother who was a very young 70 died unexpectedly after suffering from a brain tumor. Less then 3 months later my husbands Grandmother passed.
I wish I had some magic words, or some answers, but I dont. I only know that it has been difficult and somehow we have found the strength to move forward, but we surely have not moved on.
Know I understand and am so sorry that any of us have reason to be here.Sending strength and peace.

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

((((LuAnn))))

I am so very sorry for your losses and for all that you are going through.  Please try to be gentle with you and to let yourself grieve without feeling guilty for being in pain.  You have suffered tremendous loss in such a short time.   This is all still so very new to you and feeling overwhelmed, crying, all of it is "normal".

Both my sister and I lost our only son within 7 months.  It was, and is, unthinkable that this could happen to both of us and especially in such a short time.  How could the only grandsons in our family both be dead so young and without warning?  It happened.  I don't think of it as any kind of punishment, it just happens and it's horribly unfair and painful.  I was strong for my sister when my nephew died and 7 months later she was strong for me.  Neither one of us is "strong" in reality.  We are heartbroken, shattered and will never be the people we were when our sons were alive.

I wish I had some way to ease your pain.  Please know that you are in my thoughts and I wish you moments of peace.

Love and hugs,
Katie

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

There really are no words to tell you how very sorry I am.

Just know I care and I'm sending warm caring thoughts your way,

Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Karen Paul]

LuAnn

I'm so so sorry.. you have experienced so much loss in such a short period of time.. no wonder you are overwhelmed.. .please be gentle with yourself... as Katie wisely said, I do not believe it is a punishment, it just happens and it is (as she said) horribly unfair and painful....

I wish I had words of comfort but I have learned that I have none.. except to say I care and I am here..

luv and hugs, Karen

[CRCmom]

lUANN

I also don't believe in punishment - it is just life that includes death.  It sucks, but it is here.  My father whom I adored died young, my 15 year old son died young, and my childrens father died young.  So so wrong and unfair.  I would be so very heartbroken if something happened to my sisters children.  They are like my own and I can only imagine how you must feel.  As everyone says, be gentle with yourself and just take one breath at a time.   I understand not wanting to be strong anymore.  I wish most of the time that God would take me.  I am prayng for you and your sister and again I am so very sorry.

Love

[CIN]

I HAVE ALSO HAVE HAD MULTIPLE DEATHS. I LOST MY DAD IN APRIL 2005,MY LITTLE SISTER IN APRIL 2006. MY LAST LOST IS THE HARDEST MY HUSBAND IN JAN 2007.I HAVE 4 CHILDREN THAT I HAVE TO RAISE MYSELF, AND I CANT EVEN GET OUT OF BED.PEOPLE SAY DO IT FOR THE KIDS.I AM TRYING, BUT ITS THE HARDEST THING I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO. I AM SORRY FOR ALL YOUR LOSS IHOPE WE CAN BE STRONG FOR EACHOTHER

[Dena]

I am so sorry. Please remember that you are trying to cope with too many losses all at once and it will take time and a lot of care to begin to work your way through all of this.  We are all here for you anytime.

The 1990's were 10 years of losses, both in my husband's and my family.  The 1990's ended for us with the death of our firstborn & only son, Joshua on 8/7/99. 

It is too hard to try to be the "rock" all the time  - you must take time for you.  Are you seeing a grief counselor?  We did/had to.  She helped us to channel our grief into something that we could handle.  Helped us to take each second at a time and stop looking at the bigger picture.

How I wish none of us had to be here, but you are not alone.  Others travel this journey beside you.

Hugs,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Chy Scott's Mom]

5 months after my 16 year old son, Scott was killed, my 15 year old nephew was killed.  My oldest brother and I both buried our youngest children within 5 months of each other.  I walk around in a sort of panic, phone calls were no longer welcome because for me they brought such horrible news.  Anyone that knows me, knows not to call my house after 11pm and before 7am or so.  I have one son left, he's 24 now and my oldest brother has a daughter thats the same age as my Scott, only 21 days apart.  I fear a lot.  I am proof "it" can happen.  I can't imagine how shell-shocked you must really be inside.  You've found a safe place to vent and express here.

[lwuest]

Hi, I am LuAnn's sister.  Mom of Stevie B.  Aunt to Mel and Drake.  Cousin to Chuck, all lost in the last couple of years. Three young men and one little boy, gone from our lives.  Can't even ask why, doesn't matter, they are gone.

I thought it might be easier to win the lottery than it would be for siblings to lose their children.  But, in this string I have found that both Katie (Adam's Mom) and Chy (Scott's Mom) have experienced this same horrid thing. You didn't mention in your e mail how long it had been since your loss.  How can we help each other?  My sister and I don't want to bring each other down, but we need to acknowledge our grief.  The deaths of our sons were 7 months apart.  I sort of feel as if I am intruding on her grief......can't help being the older sister....I always try to take care of her.   We are so protective of each other that I know that she will be saying that she doesn't want to talk about her son because she wants me to be able to feel my grief.  I loved her son as much as she loved mine.

As siblings, I wonder how you helped each other?

[Debh]

Luann and Luann Sister I am sorry for your losses. The loss of a child leaves each of us in our grief and sadness and no two of us are alike in how we go through grief. What we have in common is why we are here and the support and understanding we all share and so need.

Cory my nephew committed suicide 5 years after Chad's died. Chad one my son and Chad 2 my son in heart. As you I loved Cory as my own. My brother and I have always been there for each other and close but these deaths have changed many things for us. We found allowing each other to be ourselves and being there for each other is what works for us. For me its going on 11 years since Chad's died, the first years of course being the hardest. Being able to talk and share my grief was my healing, until I found this board after Cory died I felt I had to keep this to myself and deal with it alone, that didn't work well I was stuck in the dark pit of grief. This board, my family and friends, and the memory of my boys has lead me to a this new life I live today and I do believe we need to take care of ourselves and even though we feel the pain of another today and support and understand another our pain or sadness will always be there also and if it needs to be shared it should be without fear of intruding on anothers grief. Being protective of my brother or him being protective of him stopped much healing we both needed as a individual and stopped much support and understanding I feel with him today. We had our hard times at first with our differences but we came through them with love and understanding to those differences. Everytime I see him today I know we both are thinking of our boys and sometimes he gives me a wink just to tell me he knows I am missing these boys and he is also.

Today I try to live moment by moment and through each moment as it comes, its not always easy and doesn't always work but I can say today is much better than many days ago. These losses will be forever, and my boys will be forever missed and loved not only by me but all that they knew them and thats become part of everyday.

Hoping you both find your way to help each other keeping in mind there is no right or wrong to grieving and with love in your heart I find our heart leads the way also even when they are so broken.

Love
Deb

[tanyasmom]

Wish I had a miracle cure to take everyone's pain away, Just know that we all know how you feel  and in some strange way I find that there is a special power in this site.  Seem to have found the courage to write things that no one knows.  We too had to deal with two losses within 2 weeks and my heart breaks still knowing that my two daughters lost their sister Tanya and two weeks later sat beside their grandfather's hospital bed and said their goodbyes to my ex-husbands father.  Please know we all care.

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

Hi LuAnn's Sister and LuAnn,

Again, I am deeply sorry for your losses.  I've often told my sister that of all the things we shared in common I'm so sorry that our children dying is one of them.  It's beyond horrible.  It has been 44 months since Adam was killed, my nephew died 7 months before that.  As time has gone on the rest of the world/family "moved on" but my sister and I, of course, continued to mourn deeply.  I think of it as the two of us being in some kind of exile, clinging to each other with only the two of us understanding the pain and emptiness.  We talk about how much we miss and love our sons, how we want them back, about our grief, about how hard this all is and how unfair it is.  At times we have both isolated even from each other and we understood.  We don't bring each other down by talking about our sons or our grief, but instead validate each other's feelings.  There are unique aspects to each of our circumstances due to the cause of death (such as I had to deal with the criminal justice system and she did not), ages of the boys (her son had children while my son at just 19 did not), etc... so there are some aspects that we can be supportive of but do not totally understand as we did not experience it.  When it seems the rest of the world has forgotten, or is afraid to talk about our sons, we can still talk about them.

This is a good place to talk, vent, cry and share.  I have found much support and comfort here. 

Love and hugs,
Katie

[Debh]

Katie,  Thank you for sharing the differences in grief as you have shared between you and your sister. Horrible it all is. I can not relate to my brother finding Cory from suicide versus Chads killed in car accident, both horrible yes and  both different.  I have been finding it best not to try and put myself in my brothers place but to be there to listen and support as you speak of here, never would I know what others go through and just so darn sorry we are in this together but glad we have each other.

Sure am missing my boys as I know we all are.

Love
Deb

[Katie--Adam's Mom]

Deb,

I'm so sorry that you also understand this having lost both your boys and your nephew.  It is so very hard to see your sibling go through the same thing and to know how they are suffering.  I think it is important to try to remember how unique each loss is and try to listen and just be supportive of the differences.  Some of us have somewhere/someone external to direct our anger towards, while others do not, etc...  We can never fully know what another person's experience is but unfortunately we all share the loss of our children and that we can understand.

Missing our boys!

Love and hugs,
Katie