Author Topic: How do you make it?  (Read 5707 times)

lainie

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How do you make it?
« on: February 22, 2007, 11:41:04 PM »
It has been 52 days since my beautiful daughter Brynn was killed by a truck.  How do you all make it through the days?  I am so lost.  For a while I could kind of do stuff, but now I can't.  I startle so easily, I have no other children or husband.  I get very scared at night.  What did any of you do to get though?  I miss her so much, she had only just turned 12.  I just am at a loss.  Thanks for letting me get that out.  In the day right now I don't want to do anything anymore.  I don't even want to talk to people this week.  Any suggestions on why I keep going?
Thanks,  Elaine
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

Brenda(Jessica's Mom)

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2007, 02:11:57 AM »
Dearest Lainie, I am so sorry for your loss. You are very early in your stages of grief, so be gentle with yourself and dont assume you should be doing anything different than you are. I lost my oldest child Jessica in a car crash 2 1/2 yrs ago. She was 16. I still have some hard days, but not as many as I did the first year. I will never be healed, or "better" but I have learned thru time how to deal with this new, sadder life. Just take one day at a time and keep coming here often. Everyone here is SO wonderful, they have helped me every step of the way. Sending my love, Brenda

rose

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2007, 06:07:53 AM »
Lainie,
I am so sorry for your loss.  My oldest son, Jason, was also killed in a car crash when he was 16.  That was 6 years ago and the pain is still there as I know it will always be there.  Some days aren't as bad as others.  I am not good with words, so if I say something offensive, I don't mean it.  We are on this terrible roller coaster.  The first few years were the toughest.  I thought the second year would get better, but it actually was worse.   I think that's because the reality actually hit.  I have another son (Bret) four years younger than Jason and my husband is a firefighter and works a 24 hour shift every third day.  Those nights would be very hard for me to sleep.  Bret would come and sleep in my room on those nights.   When he stopped, I still had a very hard time sleeping.  My doctor put me on Ambien which was a tremendous help.  I would fall asleep fast, sleep through the night and when I woke up, I wouldn't have that groggy feeling.  We all go through the stages at different times.  But, I feel like I go through them over and over and over again.  Every year I think I can prepare for his angel date (2/10/01), but every year it's the same.  The whole month of February is difficult for me.  Actually from August through March is a tough time of year.  Jason's birthday is August 30, then all the winter holidays come and I just wish they wouldn't.  But, I get through them.

We just learn to deal with the pain and take one day at a time.  You have lots of support here at this board.  Like Brenda indicated, don't be too hard on yourself and its okay to feel however you are feeling on any given day.  There are no rules for this greif.

Take care of yourself.  Hugs
Rose

Karen Paul

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2007, 07:14:40 AM »
Elaine - I'm so so sorry about your precious Brynn. You are so so early on this nightmare journey.. I think at first there is so much shock that we function without much real thought.. but then as the shock begins to change and the "reality" seeps in, things get real hard. I wonder if you have any family or friends who could maybe stay with you, if not every night, maybe even just once  a week or so just so there is someone else there sometimes with you?

I am afraid I am at a loss for words. I am not a parent myself, but lost my nephew Christopher in 2003 at the age of 16 to a hit and run driver. My brother has since split from his wife (Chris' step-mom) and is living on his own. When he first made this move it frightened me to think of him being alone, but it is what he says he needs right now.

I hope you know that you can ALWAYS come on here and tell what you are feeling no matter the time of day or night. We are here and you are not truly alone on this very lonely journey.. Hold on tight and take care of yourself.. this grief takes such a toll in so many ways...

Know that I care..

luv and many hugs,
Karen
proud aunt of Christopher


Paula, Tims Mom

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2007, 07:29:55 AM »
Hi Elaine,
When I lost Tim he was my only child. I never went back to my job from the day Tim died. My husband got up and went to work every day to keep us going but I was at home alone with myself.
Honestly at the two month point after my child's death the numbness was still there but starting to peel away.  I "kept going" by keeping a journal and writing down every thought and everything I wanted to say to Tim. I did that for almost 6 months- then one day I put it away and 6 years later have never looked at it and may never do so. But it helped me while I was doing it.

I wasn't able to go out anywhere, wasn't able to sit and read a book. The internet was my outlet and I browsed endlessly and posted in a lot of forums dealing with political issues and current affairs.  Sometimes I would argue and tease people online as if I was just another political hobbyist- but often posted with tears streaming down my face.

I treated myself as if I was an invalid, recovering from a serious debilitating illness. I didn't expect anything from myself except to keep breathing and some days and nights I counted every breath. I remember I would drag myself out into the sun every day and just sit and listen to the birds.

On the internet I found a few grief forums and they started to help me too as I was able to tell people how I was getting through my experience and recognize that I wasnt alone, that pain was all around me and I was blind to the suffering of others before I lost Tim and suffered myself. I found some angry pain on the internet too. It was very hard for a long time, over a year to read or be around ANYTHING negative, whether the anger was directed at me, someone else in the discussion, or my religion which was becoming my rock. At least with the internet you can turn it off and go cry and no one knows.

One day I read the "Prayer of Jabez" and posted it and started praying it like a mantra, asking for help to "expand my territory" and find a reason to keep living and to live well so one day I could face Tim and tell him what I did with my life after he left me, what I did to honor his memory.

I think when you reach the point  that you start asking yourself "what now?" and really keep your heart open for an answer- it is a huge milestone.  In time, your own time, you will reach that point and I just wanted to let you know that you will. Until then just keep reaching out when you can, and dont try to get through or make yourself put up with anymore than you feel you can handle. Be gentle with yourself!

One step at a time.
Paula, Tims Mom

John-Danielle Marie's Daddy

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Re: How do you make it? (((Elaine)))
« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2007, 07:44:05 AM »
(((Elaine))),
             I am SO SORRY to read of your beloved daughter Brynn’s horrible accident and her traumatic death.
             My thoughts and prayers are with you. I also want to welcome you to this wonderful group of caring, loving and compassionate parents who have also suffered the GREATEST loss of their lives, the death of our child.
I am the father of a heavenly Angel, Danielle Marie. On February 20th, 2006 at 11 years 1 month and 17 days old, our beautiful, precious and life-loving daughter, Danielle Marie died at 10:59am in an automobile collision in Sturbridge, MA. She died of a massive traumatic head injury and was pronounced dead at the scene.
            The pain and anguish that is experienced by a bereaved/grieving parent is devastating. We can ALL relate to what you may have or will experience along this journey of grief. Please talk to us about your wonderful daughter or your own grief whenever you need support.
            Grieving is normal when a love one dies. You have to go through it; there is no way around it. However, most of us are not prepared for the long road we are on, called Grief. There may seem to be no end in sight to this intense raw pain you are experiencing. Grief is like a raw open wound, the wound will start to scab over, and many times the scab will come off before it is completely healed. Your life will never be the same, even though you have a scar now, you will get through this long road of grief. You will also be a stronger person.
         At this time, you will have taken one baby step on the road, only to stumble and fall backwards two giant steps. It does not matter where you are, or whom you are with. When it wants to return it does, without warning, the roller coaster ride is back. So, hang on tight. Grief is hard work. It is probably one of the hardest things to endure. After crying for hours, minutes, seconds, your body is drained. You are exhausted and so is your mind. Give yourself permission to rest. Go lay down in a dark room, and think of nothing. Take deep breathes and feel the calm come over you.
        Find someone to listen to you. This is very important. We all have well-meaning friends, however, they can say some stupid things to us at this time. I have heard it all. "Well, you have more kids." They cannot replace the one I lost. "She is in a better place." I am a greedy person; I want her here with me. "You need to put this behind you." Please tell me how and I will be more than glad to do it. "She was in the wrong place at the right time." In her own home? If not there, where are you safe? "You just do not know what was in store for her. God took her home early, because she was going to hit a bus full of kids and there were going to be many deaths." Oh, my God, no this person did not just say this to me. I even had one so-called well-meaning friend say,
"You got to get over this. You never smile or laugh anymore.” If I could, I would send (her son’s name) in place of Wendy." I will not go into what I said. However, I will say this, "I ended the call very quickly."
        If you do not have support of family or friends throughout your grieving, please find a support group. You may think, do and say things that are very unlike you. We all go through different stages of grief. No two people are alike, so each person will be dealing with grief at different levels, different stages, and through it their own way. You will go through many different emotions. It does not have to be in any certain order. You may and probably will experience some again, repeatedly.

Please understand that the devastating death of your wonderful, beautiful daughter is very difficult and unlike ANY OTHER death.
             Please know that we are always here for you & your family.
Take Care & may God give you & your loving family the strength and courage to guide you all along this terrible journey.
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

Marianne

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2007, 09:20:34 AM »
Oh Lanie,

I know the loneliness of which you speak.  Sometimes, I wrap myself in Alek's blanket and just loose myself in the knowledge that he is still part of me and I will be with him again some day.

Please know that you are not alone.  I will be thinking of you and sending you love and support.
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2007, 10:45:27 AM »
((((Elaine))))

I am so sorry.  This is the hardest thing you will ever do and the worst pain to suffer.  It's normal to startle easily, I still do but not always as much and not with the intensity as in the beginning.  The nights are long and difficult, the days are hard to fill.  It's okay to just "be" and to let yourself grieve.

I found this group about a month after Adam was killed and it was truly my lifeline.  I read and posted a lot to help me through the days and nights.  It helped me to know I was not alone and also to know that my feelings were normal.  I spent my time doing research on grief, child loss, court issues we were dealing with, writing about my son (I wrote his eulogies for memorial services, etc...), and getting ready for court.  I put together a scrapbook type presentation for the judge that included photos, Adam's awards, momentos, his travels, organizations he was involved in, memorials to him, etc... and I worked on our Victim Impact Statements for the court.  I kept copies of everything for myself, too.

Keep reaching out when you are able to.  I tend to isolate a lot but it really does help to know that you are not alone.  I've stayed in touch with a lot of the parents who I met through MADD and here and they have been a great source of support and friendship.

At night I sleep with Adam's stuffed Bunny that is wearing one of his caps.  I do take meds to help me sleep, for depression, PTSD and anxiety.  I see a therapist weekly, stay in close touch with my health care team, talk with a pastor friend (she's a gem!) and continue with online support.

Try to take it one moment at a time, just get through one moment and don't worry about the next one until it's here. 

Thinking of you and Brynn.  I am so sorry that she is not here with you.

Love and hugs,
Katie

Jeanneb

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2007, 04:50:42 PM »
Dear Elaine,

I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.  You have only just begun this journey and I hope that you will keep coming here and post and read.  This board and many of its wonderful moms, dads, and aunts have been a real life line.

It has been 3.5 years since I lost my youngest child, Philip at age 17 to a car accident.  How do we make it?  Well one day at a time and some days that is asking a lot.  So you narrow it down, a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a step, oh baby steps.  There is no right way, no wrong way, there is only your own way and what is best for you.  Just know that most of us here have had your feelings before or are living them as you post.

I personally have had help with meds for depression, anxiety, and sleep.  Along with the meds, I have been in therapy.  I no longer take meds for depression, I do need them for anxiety on occasion and sleep, well I take them nightly and sometimes I still rarely have more than 4 hours of straight sleep at a time.  I think I've forgotten what a full night's sleep is like.  I have had severe PTSD but have been able to deal with that thru therapy and still go to therapy off and on.  It has been extrememly helpful for me.

Most of all listen to your body.  Let yourself grieve.  If you need to sleep, then do so, cry, then cry.  Just be so gentle with yourself and don't put any expectations on yourself.  There is no timetable, no make number.  We just try to learn to walk with our grief for the hole in our heart will never be filled.

Post as you can and share your beautiful daughter.  You are safe here to talk about your daughter, your feelings, whatever.  We all walk this journey together.

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2007, 07:31:15 PM »
Honestly I dont know how I have made it to this 2 1/2 year point. I dont remember much about the first year. I just know I forced myself to get up every day and to breathe. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. This place is full of listening ears and shoulders to cry on visit as oftne as needed. Sending strength and peace.

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2007, 07:58:11 AM »
I am so very sorry for the loss of your Brynn. I too lost my only child Tammie. I still have days I don't think I can get through. However in the very early days that you are in I felt numb and as if it were a horrible dream I needed to wake up from. I do go to counseling and group bereavement.

Know your in my thoughts,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

lainie

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2007, 11:17:48 PM »
Thank you to all of you for your lovely postings.  It does help to know you are here and understand.  Why are some days slightly better than others?  I have started to see a grief counsellor, saw her last week, and see her tommorrow, but then she goes on hiliday for 2 weeks!  I really like her, hope I can make it til I see her again.  I just miss my Brynn more than anything.  She was supposed to come back home, she was killed at the end of my street, just steps away.  Also, how do you stop the what ifs, and the hows, and the whys?  They forever run around in my head!
Anyway thank you again, glad to know you can help,
Elaine,  Beautiful Brynn's Mommy
My beautiful Brynn
Dec. 14/94 - Jan. 2/07

JenKellisMom

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Re: How do you make it?
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2007, 11:48:55 AM »
Elaine:

I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter and best friend, Brynn.  I noticed that my Kelli and your Brynn share the same birthday, December 14.  Kelli was born in 1996, passed away last May 15.

I don't know how we go on.  I know I wake up every day knowing its one day closer to seeing my Kelli.  I know I go to bed every night knowing it is one less day I have to endure missing my daughter.  I look at her picture and still can't believe she isn't here. 

I think its great that you've found a counselor that you like.  You've also found a great group here and any time you need us, we are here.