I'm tired of the pain... How do you do it?

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

I'm so new at this.  And I'm already so tired of the pain.  Last night I actually felt suicidal - because I just want the pain to stop.

I guess I now have an idea of how my son felt most of the time.

I won't do it.  I have too many people who would be destroyed if I did.  But still I wish I could stop the pain, and I don't know how to handle it.

How do you do it?

[marzz]

Hello Lori
We are both new to this hell, and I feel your pain
my heart goes out to you.
But we have to go on, this deep pain is because we loved
our children sooo much.
I sending you all my love Marzz

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

I'm so angry.  I'm so angry that I have to live with this pain.  I actually woke up this morning and said outloud (to no one):  "I hate my fucking life!"  I'm tired of being sad.  I'm tired of crying.  I'm tired of pretending that everything's okay.
I'm snapping at people for the smallest things.  I love my job but right now I'm not doing too well because I'm snapping about everything.  If I didn't love my job, I would have put myself in the hospital Friday night.  I'm living in a pig sty and can't get myself to clean it up.  Everything I read says to be gentle with myself and to take care of myself.  I'm not doing it.  I can't find the will to do it.  I am literally surviving and right now I don't want to do it.

[Donnys Dad]

Dear Lori, I wish I had a miracle cure or word for your pain and everyone elses on this board, I don't.  It has been 987 days today that my Son and Best Friend took his life.  The pain is still here.  Every morning I wake up I say "Oh f   k, another day".  There has only been 1 day that I have not cried and I'm not sure why that happened.

Some how we struggle thru everyday.  The more Senior members of this site say that the pain will not go away but it will ease.  I have to believe them as our families have been thru enough pain without us causing them more.

I firmly believe the more you love someone the more it hurts when you lose them.  I know you had so much love for Alex as I did for Donny.  I keep telling myself that I have to be thankful for the years and times I had with Donny as they were so GREAT.  In time, hopefully, we can look back and smile at all the good times we had with them. 

Keep coming here as the people on here have been my strength and I believe they have kept me going this long.

[quint906]

Hi Lori.

Believe me, I know what you're feeling.  Cory and I were so close and now all I feel is emptiness.  Even though my home is in Florida (where Cory lived), I had to be here in Wisconsin to take care of my mother.  If I had been in Florida, Cory would probably still be alive.  He would have come to our house to talk things through.  We still talked on the phone a few times a day but it was not the same as being there.  Every moment of every day, I think of Cory.  I haven't gotten to a point were the memories make me smile yet.  All they do is make me miss him.  Like you, I have too many people depending on me.  It would be so easy to say I've had it and end it.

All the things you're feeling are normal.  They say it takes time but how much, I don't know.  I don't think we'll ever stop hurting but we have to keep going forward.

If you need to vent and get out what you're feeling, this board is excellent.  We've all experienced these emotions and are here to help eachother.

You and Alex are in my thoughts.

Jo (Cory's Mom)

[Jeanneb]

Dear Lori,

I understand how tired you are of the pain. I understand the suicidal thoughts, I've been there and I'm glad that when those thoughts overcame me at one point I was discovered in time. 

How do you do it?  One step at a time.  I believe that we all have to find an outlet for some of the pain.  I remember in the first two years of driving home from work each day and screaming and crying most of the way home.  I also would just go get in the car to scream, I had such rage and anger at some points.  I had to get some of it out.  I also turned to doing some creative things.  For me, it is making picture frames out of mosaic glass and little trinket boxes.  Therapy has been part of my journey also and it continues to be.  It has helped me tremendously with my grief and also in dealing with the outside world and some of the toxic people.

At times, I also journal.  I haven't done this all the time but it has been good to help release some of the pain.  Being here on this board has been a BIG lifeline and support.  Just knowing I wasn't alone or crazy for how I felt.  Many have posted of suicidal thoughts and some have shared of attempts.  The black hole that can just seem to engulf us and take over.

For me as time has passed, the pain is there but it has gotten softer.  There have been more good days and I don't cry every day anymore.  When I think of Philip, most of the time it brings a smile, a memory of his smile and twinkling eyes.  Most days I am able to step back and say "I'm the lucky one, cause I got to be his mother."  But, there are days that the pain is just as fresh as the day he left us.

Hope has come back where I never thought it would appear again.  The pain will soften but it never goes away.

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I feel very much as Don does. I too feel like I lost my daughter, my best friend, my reason to get up each day. I also wake up now and say another miserable F____g day. I cry everyday at some point in the day. It will be 18 months on the 14th of March and I still shake my head in disbelief.

Please know I understand and care,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[tanyasmom]

Lori.....We all take it a day , an hour, a minute at a time. Tanya's been gone two years this friday and I still have times where I just want to be with her. I actually sat in my car last week and asked myself "what now" the feeling of loss just overwhelmed me. Tanya always seems to send me this message "It's all good Mom!!!" and I think "NO IT'S NOT"" but...she knows and helps remind me that she has two younger sisters that still need me. My youngest asked me when I came back , if I had run away?  She was so scared. We have to go on. As you said too many people would be destroyed. YES it hurts ALOT...But we can't put the rest of our loved ones through more pain. Keep coming to this site ...It took me awhile to finally post but now I find it really helps to know we are not alone.  People do care!!!  And if you only knew how many times I have said "I HATE MY F.....ING LIFE IN THE PAST TWO YEARS!!!"