I still have a ways to go with the guilt issue

[VickiC]

Hi everyone,
I know I have been off the boards in so long.  I haven't been on the computer much anyway.  We just bought the house we were renting so we have been busy with that process.  Anyway, I have missed you all.

There is one thing that I am having such a hard time dealing with.  My Craig died 3 years, nine months ago in a vehicle accident.....It was tragic, it was senseless and I never got to see him or say goodbye.  The biggest build-up of hurt inside me is that I will not forgive myself for letting him go that day.....We had had a huge fight, mainly over him not telling me what was bothering him and I left him in a bad frame of mind.  He was in a hurry (although he wasn't speeding) to get his car ready for his brother's wedding and he was pushing himself to get all that done and then make up with his girlfriend, who he was going to propose to the next day....He had a lot on his mind and I didn't help matters by exploding at him that day.  I didn't even say "I love you" when he walked out the door....I always say that to my boys, sometimes many times during the day.....Why that day?

I realize that there are words left unspoken and actions not done and I pray to him every night to forgive me for getting mad at him that day and letting him go in the state of mind he was in.  I know it isn't my fault but I still blame myself.....If I could forgive myself, I know I would find more peace and be able to move forward in my life with a better sense of mind......I have kept those feelings of guilt and regret inside me for awhile because I just lost it when I had a conversation with my husband on the way home from Vegas......I have not worked out these issues in my mind and my heart yet......I know that Craig will always love me and doesn't care about that day now, but I just can't forgive myself and it just kills me sometimes.  I know that a lot of us have that "survivors guilt" and wish that we could have saved our kids or prevented their deaths............We just couldn't control what happened..........I still just can't let go of the guilt.....it just holds me back from doing anything else...........

Wishing you all peace and strength,
VickiC- Craig's mom

[CRCmom]

Vickie,

I am so orry that you are having to deal with these feelings of guilt.  Your son Craig most certainly has forgiven you and wants you to move on.  Someone once said to me "If God has forgiven you, who the hell do you think you are not to forgive yourself?"  No matter what you believe, the guilt will eat you up.  I believe that each of us has a time that we are meant to die, move on, or whatever you believe and no matter what the circumstances are/were - it will still happen.  Your Craig knew that for how many years you loved him dearly.  That is what HE remembers and hopefully you can begin to see it like that too.

Hang on and let the guilt go!
Greiving is hard enough 

[Dena]

(((Vicki)))  I have missed you.  I agree - survivor's guilt is very hard to work through. It was one of those things I carried for too long.  We wish we could have saved them - could have protected them, but that did not happen.

I believe that Craig & Josh and all of our precious children know just how much we love them because they are in a place that they can feel it and understand it.  Talking through those guilty feelings with those who understand is one very good place to start to work through them. 

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

[Jeanneb]

Vicki,

So glad to see you post.  I'm so sorry that you are having those guilt feelings.  I can imagine how hard it is to work through those issues.  It's so hard cause as mom's we are suppose to fix it, protect them and we do the best we can at the time things happen.

You know that Craig loves you and you love him.  Keep posting and talking, it will help and we are here to listen.

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

[Debh]

Guilt is a tough one Vicki and I hope the time comes the guilt eases for you. I know our kids don't blame us and know we can be so hard on ourselves. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for not waking that night as I usually did at the time the boys left, but I also know today it may not have a difference at all. Wish it was all different and easy on us.

Thinking of you
Love
Deb

[Donna Jasons mom]

Hi Vicki
I, too have not been on the board for a while.  But for some reason tonight I decided to get on here and I don't know I believe it was some how meant for me to see your post.  I too lost my son in a tragic accident and when he left our house I was sleeping on the couch.  He was fighting with his girlfriend and I always told him I loved him before he left the house but this night my last words to him were "remember you're on probation" he had gotten into minor trouble when he was younger and had 3 months left on his probation, what last words to say to your son.  I struggle with this everyday!  I am so sorry that you are hurting so and I completely understand where you're coming from. 
I do believe though that our boys have forgiven us of anything that happened to them.  They knew we loved them and would want us to forgive ourselves.  There is no "moving on" ever for us but we can try to make them proud of the rest of our lives we have to live.  Our punishment is living our life without them and that alone is overwhelming!!  I believe they are at peace and their spirit will be at peace if we let them go and release them of this guilt we feel.  Maybe I'm just trying to find a way to go on and live another day without my son.  Some days are just so hard and you don't want to go on.  When I have days that are just too hard I pray for grace to get me through another day. 
This is such a hard journey and we are all only here for such a short time.  Our boys would want us to fulfill our purpose in this life.  I believe they did and it was time for them to go.  I know it just makes us so mad and we feel we have been cheated out of so much and we have.  But we cannot become bitter or need to try to become better for it.  OUr boys would want us to.
One day, one moment, one breathe at a time!!
From one mother or another I understand and will pray for you!!
Hugs and love
Donna (Jason's mom)

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I am so sorry your struggling with these feelings of guilt.

I know I have some of those feelings too. I wish I had been home, I wish I had picked up my voice mail or better yet not turned my phone off. So many things we can blame ourselves for. But would any of it really change the outcome???

I know our kids understand that we were just being MOM as were every other day. Trying to do our best to guide them in the right direction. Unfortunately we don't have the control on their lives we would have liked to have had.

I think with all of us there will always be that ONE thing, THAT WHAT IF::::

Know I understand and care,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[leslie]

Vicki,

It's good to see you post. I haven't been here for awhile either. Survivors guilt is a terrible thing and can eat away at you. Deep down you know that Craig always knew and still does how much you love him.

I have guilt too. You see Jarek woke me up in the middle of the night for what I thought was a position change or to use his urinal and I snapped at him for it. Little did I know that within minutes he would be dead. Who yells at their dying child?

Try to let the guilt go.....

Much love,

Leslie

[MelissaCharliesMom]

Please know I understand and share the same feelings of guilt. My Charlie begged me to let him go with his Uncle and cousin as his Uncle was taking the boys to buy them new skateboards. I was gelping my parents prepare for one of my little sisters High School graduation party and really didnt want him to go, but being the first day of Summer vacation and knowing how much he was looking forward to that new skareboard I couldnt bring myself to tell him no. My last words to him were "Love you buddy, see ya at Poppy and Nanas in a little while." He ran across the kitchen, hugged me said, "Love ya Mom....thanks." And was gone...little did I know I would stand it that same kitchen hours later and have some stranger tell me my precious 10 year old boy was gone...never to return.
I am so sorry that on top of the endless pain of losing our children we are forced to live without them and to bear this burden of guilt on top of it all seems almost unbearable. I only wish I could give you the advice you seek, wish I knew how to rid all of us here of whatever guilt it is we may feel. I cant, but just know I care and understand. Sending strength and peace.

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

Peace and prayers...

Lori, Alex's mom