Author Topic: This two year mark just sucks  (Read 5778 times)

CRCmom

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This two year mark just sucks
« on: February 11, 2007, 10:05:55 AM »
Have been having a horrible time these past two weeks.  Just melted down a couple of times crying and gasping that my baby is gone.  I hate this new life.  I miss  my son so much and just dont know most of the time how to do this.  I go to work and do it well, but then I come home and feel lost.   

I agreed to be on a panel and do a workshop on grief and loss for a conference here in PA.  Now I'm scared to death, have no idea what I am going to do and feel like I must be crazy.  The conference isn't until the end of March, but I am scared My day is March 23. 

It just doesn't ever seem to get better.  My nephew is missing Christian like crazy.  He was in a car accident.  He is ok, but his car is totaled.  Of course, that sent my dear sister into a tailspin thinking of what could have happened and of course losing Christian just floods back in all over. 
  Anyway, does the third year get any better?


Love you all.
LOVE AND GRACE ON THE JOURNEY,
PAULA


Rebecca

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2007, 10:19:38 AM »
Dear Paula:  I too am coming up to the two year mark, well, we really don't know, was it the l0th when the coroner said or the day that we found him the 13th.  I am going with the 13th but I felt sick all day yesterday and it was the 10th.  I know that gasping feeling so well.  It is like the machine that takes the air out of the bag to put more clothes in.  I feel like I cannot breathe, or more to the point, don't want to.  I miss Jason so much and don't really want to believe that he is gone.  I play mind games that he is at a concert in Colorado and just hasn't found time to call. That did not happen when he was at a concert so I am really fooling myself.  Jason loved the telphone and he was called "The great connector".  Yes, I go to work too and other than stupid paperwork, I do a great job.  I work very well with my probationers, not so well with the onslaught on paper, but who really cares.  I know I am one person at work, not the same as I was and another when I can come home and let my guard down.  I just hate this new way of life and know thats all there is.  Thinking of you and your loving Christian.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2007, 07:31:10 AM »
I am at 17 months. It will be 17 months on Valentines Day. Tammie died on the 14th and it was a Wednesday. So slowly I am approaching the 2 year mark. I have found the second year harder than the first as I think reality has set in.

I too play mind games, pretending she is away and I will see her soon. Then it comes to light that thats not true and I deal with it all over again.

It is a rocky rough road we travel, there is nothing that seems to help.

Thinking of you all and all our beautiful kids,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Karen Paul

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2007, 08:06:30 AM »
Paula

I'm so sorry.. you are so right the 2 yr mark does suck! I'm so sorry to hear that your nephew was in an accident but so glad that he is ok.. but oh the scare! And everything like this brings Christian's passing right back I'm sure...

There are just not enough words to express my sorrow that your sweet Christian isn't there with you... growing up right alongside his beloved cousin.. know that you are in my heart..

hugs, Karen


Debh

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2007, 12:21:01 PM »
it indeed sucks and sorry I can't be more positive here for you other than say yes the years do get easier but better I don't know about ...better would be if none of this happened to me.

Take care of you.

Love
Deb

Jeanneb

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2007, 03:37:33 PM »
Paula,

The second year I will say was the worst for me.  It does get softer as time moves forward or at least that is my perception.  I say that because I have more good days than bad and I am aware of that black hole and I know I'll crawl out again.  That second year, boy oh boy, I really thought I would never crawl out of the pit of that black hole.  Also, for me, going to therapy helps.  For instance, I had stopped going last year and that was ok for months than BAM something floored me and I knew I needed to go have a booster shot as I call it.  So, I went back around October and I still see my therapist but right now I'm going about every 2-3 weeks instead of once a week and I know that maybe after the next visit I'll probably take some time off again and see if I can't go it alone.

This is such a roller coaster and right now I'm trying to accept that this is it.  I'm going to walk this journey and there are just going to be times that are bad and other times that are worse and inbetween all that joy will pop in, hope will carry me through and I'm thankful to have others in my life that "get it."

Holding you close to my heart,
Jeanne

Carole-Carlos Mom

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2007, 03:43:40 PM »
You are so right. The two year mark does SUCK!! I have been crying since the first day of February. My Carlos birthday is the 8 th of February. I have been remembering his last birthday with all of us. Carlos died the 22 nd of March just six weeks after his 26th birthday. I am feeling all hollow and empty inside. My brain refuses to function and I am just falling apart day by day. I am not looking forward to the month of March. Someone, anyone if you can please fast forward these months to May or June, any month but February and March. I am lost and floundering, I don't know what to do with myself and this terrible pain that I feel. For some unexplained reason I am remembering everyday since his last birthday, very vividly. It is making me NUTS!!! I so desperately wish he were here. He would me laugh with his silly antics or make me mad with his loud music. All I have is silence and memories. I love you so much, Carlos.

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2007, 08:22:49 PM »
I dont know what to say to bring any comfort at this point. In June it will be 3 years for us. Speaking only for myself I will tell you it has NOT got any easier....each minute, each day, each hour is different , but it has not got any easier.
I can only say that my thoughts and strength are being sent your way....know I care.

CRCmom

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2007, 02:47:02 PM »
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND RESPONSE TO MY OUTPOURING OF EMOTIONS.  IT DOES HELP TO KNOW THAT OTHERS DO UNDERSTAND, BUT I WISH I HAD TO DO THIS ALONE SO NOONE WOULD HAVE TO FEEL WHAT WE FEEL.

LOVE YOU ALL.
LOVE AND GRACE ON THE JOURNEY,
PAULA


Donna Jasons mom

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Re: This two year mark just sucks
« Reply #9 on: February 13, 2007, 11:13:22 PM »
Hi Paula:
I do not post alot anymore.  I can so relate to your two year mark anxiety though.  We passed ours in December and it's true what they say the second year is indeed worse than the first.  I wish I could be more encouraging   but I am finding it much harder.  Some days it's hard to go on  but we all have a purpose and reason and our children would want us to fulfill that purpose.  I pray for you to have strength to go on another day, another moment, another breathe!! 
Hugs and love
Donna (Jason's mom)