Author Topic: Dr. Visit (LONG)  (Read 5269 times)

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Dr. Visit (LONG)
« on: February 10, 2007, 07:04:39 AM »
Hi, All,

I went to the Dr. yesterday, this is my regular MD. I haven't seen her since Tammie died so she didn't know.

I have gained weight and overall not taken very good care of myself because I really don't care right now. I was prepared for a lecture but not in the mood for it.

She starts in about my weight and colesterol, so I say you know what I don't really care, my daughter died 16 months ago and I am only here because I am sick of everyone bitching. Then I cried, not alot but it is so difficult to talk about. She asked what happened so I told her Tammie overdosed on pain pills because Dr's over medicate, over and over again and treat people with too much medication. She says your right it happens alot. Of course I said I know that but it doesn't help. Anyway after our talk she says I think you should take an antidepressant, I COULDN'T BELIEVE I HEARD HER. I said NO I don't want meds, I go to therapy, and I was told that I am working through this as good as anyone can. She says OH, I am not suggesting you be over the death of a child in 16 months but this could help you. I told her I get up everyday, get dressed, comb my hair and try to find a reason to live without my child. I don't need pills to help deal with something that she can't understand. She kept trying to push these pills on me, it pissed me off so much. This Dr. barely knows me I have seen her three times in my entire life how would she know if I was depressed or not?? I told her I felt pills are a viscious cycle. I think they can be helpful for short periods of time for some people, but I don't feel because someone cries talking about the death of their child that means they need a pill. She knew I was angry and discusted I told her thats exactly what started Tammie's problem, antidepressants, then sleeping pills, then pain pills, which cause depression, and the cycle just continues.

So I left with no pills, and I am still angry at her. My therapist feels I am doing as well as anyone can after the death of your only child. She didn't think I should take antidepressants. She feels trying to work through the pain is all you can do. ( now I know everyone is different, but for me I don't want pills, especially from an MD who barely knows me.)

So there you go, sorry I went on and on but I am still pissed off about it.

Thanks for listening,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Donnys Dad

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2007, 08:08:26 AM »
Hi Dottie, I know exactly what you mean.  I went to our Doctor not long after Donny passed because everyone was bitching about me not going.  Ironically I told him the same thing.  I really don't care what I have Doc, the sooner the end comes the better.  He tried to get me to have another biopsy where I can skin cancer I refused, then the colonospy (spelling?)  Again I refused, he just shook his head and said I guess there is no sense suggesting what you should do.  No Doc there isn't.

However he did talk me into anti depressants.  Said it would make it easier on the family if I wasn't quite so down.  Well I take them and they do absolutely nothing.  Like you I have trouble just starting each day.

Oh what a miserable life we now live without our Tammie and Donny....
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


Jeanneb

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2007, 09:15:41 AM »
Dottie,

I'm glad that you are listening to you!  The therapist you are seeing sounds like a good one.  If your therapist thought she saw clinical depression than she would  tell you and advice you to consult a physician.  It really pisses me off the society we live in.  "TAKE A PILL" that will cure everything.  Hell, have you seen the new "pill" for dogs.  It's a diet pill, like the dog overeats on his own?

I'm just sorry that this doctor couldn't step out of her box long enough to actually "listen" to her patient.  I took meds at the beginning and after a year I realized that I wasn't grieving I was just functioning which I guess made the doctor feel better.  Now, I did need something for the anxiety/PTSD and at times still do.  So I have a little bottle of ativan that I carry with me all the time but have found that I don't really use it too much anymore.  I'm just scared not to have them because you never know when the smallest thing to others can be a huge trigger for me.

Stand tall, stand firm, you know what is best for you.

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

sykeller (Ray's mom)

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2007, 09:42:09 AM »
Dottie,

You are absolutely right, they just don't seem to get it.  There is no magic pill that will make this alright.  I have been prescribed several different antidepressants since Ray's death, tried them for a few weeks, they did absolutely nothing for me.  It is shocking to me how readily available these prescriptions are, the number of kids on these drugs and the disastrous effects on their lives.  There is no way I would allow a doctor to medicate my child in that manner.  I am glad you are listening to you, even if the doctors don't seem to hear.

Wishing you peace,

Sy

Rebecca

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2007, 09:54:15 AM »
Dottie: You know exactly how you feel and told the Dr. so.  There should be more people like you. I know I went to a Dr. for my sleep apnea and I did not like him so I am taking my tests results and going elsewhere.  I think we get smarter or bolder or just don't give a dam after we have experienced the worst of the worst.  Thinking of you and Tammie.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

quint906

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2007, 11:26:34 AM »
Hi Dottie.

My doctor, who is excellent,  has been trying to get me to come in also.  He knows my husband and me pretty well.  He also was Cory's doctor and took Cory's death pretty hard.  He knows that I will make an appointment on my own time and gave up trying.  I know that he would probably suggest antidepressants for me also but also knows he can't make me take them.  I told him I feel fine and I don't want to waste the money to tell me physically, I'm fine.  Plus we have an insurance co. that has a very high deductible and I don't want to pay for needless tests.  Like Don, if something would be wrong with me, so be it.  Right now, the rest of my life is too long but I know I'm stuck in it and have to make the best of it.  I guess I just went on my own rant right now.  I also know my family worries about me but they also know me well enough that this is something I have to work through and deal with.  I've been on antidepressants in the past and all they did was keep my emotions flat, no highs, no lows.  Don't want to go there again.

I'll be thinking of you.

Jo

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #6 on: February 10, 2007, 02:14:55 PM »
Thanks to all of you for listening and understanding.

Believe me if I thought a pill would fix the hurt and the sleepless nights and the ache in my stomach and most of all my heart I would take as many as needed. But I know that after the pills the ACHE is still there.

Love and understanding to you all, I don't think the Angel dates or Birthdays will ever be easier, they just are such reminders of the HOLE in our lives now.

Dottie Tammie's Mom

laurasmom

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2007, 08:26:44 PM »
I understand how you feel about taking meds, I worked in Internal Medicine for 18 years and I saw a lot.  I never wanted to take anything either.  My daughter was killed 3 1/2 years ago, she was 17, had just graduated high school and was full of life, eager to begin her life in college and as an adult.  For the first 6 months I functioned on my own, although most of that 6 months is a blur.  My doctor, who was also Laura's doctor, suggested that I see a counselor.  I did, and he suggested that I start on antidepressants.  I went to counseling for 10 months, and do not believe it did any good at all.  Long story short, I went through months of several different antidepressants, finally, the 5th one I was prescribed seemed to help me, and I am still taking it.  I also saw another counselor, who after 6 months asked me if I felt he was helping me.  I told him no, and he said he felt the same, and so I stopped seeing him. I am not ashamed or embarrassed to be taking the antidepressant, it does seem to keep me "even", which for me is better than crying all of the time, which is what has happened when I have attempted to stop taking it.  Without it, I can barely get myself out of bed, and I have to work, I have no choice.  I would go to bed on Friday night and not get out of bed until Monday morning, except to use the bathroom.  I would be driving in my car, be in the store, be at work, and start crying without control.  I can't live my life like that.  I have been to Compassionate Friends, which I discontinued after twice being told that I was letting my anger get in the way of my grief, and why was I there?  I read a lot, which helps me some, and I have met other grieving parents that have one way or another happened into my life, one of whom I have become very close to.  I still cry, sometimes a lot, but I know that because of the antidepressant I am able to function in a somewhat stable way.  I hope to not be on them forever, but as long as I need to, I will take them.  That may not be the answer for everyone, but it is for me at this point and I do not feel guilty or weak because I take them.
Lois, Laura's Mom

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2007, 07:22:50 AM »
Dear Lois,

You should not ever be ashamed for taking an antidepressant. Thats not at all what I meant by my post. Your Dr. has a history with you and sounds as if you are being treated properly. I know many of the parents here do take antidepressants and they seem to help them function with daily life.

I function, I cry at times alot, but I function, I read, I go to counseling both private and group. If my therapist who I have known before Tammie died and who knew Tammie suggested I take an antidepressant I would do it. But for this Dr. to suggest it because I cried telling her my daughter died I felt was out of line. This Dr, barely knows me. The me I was before or the me I am now. To push a pill off on me because I am crying over the death of my daughter was STUPID. I still say pills are not a cure for grief. I think they can help us get through the really rough spots but in the end no matter what our child is still dead.

If you have found something that helps you then by all means keep taking it. I am not suggesting anyone should stop taking meds or not take it. I am saying for me, it wasn't what I need. Tammie took antidepressants, and they did help her. I am a believer in antidepressants but not that thay are a fix all for everyone.

The point I was trying to make was that Dr's are too willing in giving out meds and to quick to prescribe, MD's are not trained to deal with depression. But I say again, yourDr. knows you. Thats different.

I agree with you about compassionate friends, I went once and never went back. However I have found a group at my church and they are wonderful and understanding.

Lois, I know how much it hurts to lose a child there is nothing that can fix that hurt, but if you have found something to help you get through the days, then do what is BEST FOR YOU. Only you know what is best.

You are in my thoughts,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Debh

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2007, 12:00:29 PM »
Dottie I can understand you being pissed over this and not wanting to take medications. I myself found help from meds and was very careful knowing what I know about meds and addicitions to make sure the doctor was working with me and my best interests which I was fortunate to find just that doctor. I believe we do need to feel our way through grief and not cover it up by meds but I also believe meds can give a extra boost that is also needed at time to find the desire and reason for us to heal or get through so many painful times. Again we are all different and have to find our own needs and what works, for me meds helped me out of the pit of hell I just couldn't seem to do on my own. We need to find our own way through so much.

Sorry you had such a bad time at the doctors office and hope whatever you do here helps you through the horrible grief and pain.

Love
Deb

Jeanneb

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2007, 03:43:40 PM »
Dottie & Lois,

I have to agree with you guys about Compassionate Friends.  Gary and I went once and that was it.  No thank you.  We came out of there thinking OMG we didn't want to be like them.  But, I also know that each chapter is run differently and some people have had good experience.  I guess we weren't just not some of those.

Dottie, you mentioned your group at church.  I've actually been asked to think about starting a grief support group at my church.  Does your group have folks from all arenas of grief?  Do they do speakers?  If you don't mind at some time when you feel up to it, would you tell me about your group?  This is just a real thinking about it stage for me. 

Love and hugs,
Jeanne

MelissaCharliesMom

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #11 on: February 12, 2007, 08:26:37 PM »
Dottie- hello old friend...I havent been around as much and have just recently started to get back into the swing of things here. All I can say is this...I personally feel the same way you do...I do NOT want to depend on meds to get me through a day, week, month or year. I understand it is a healthy choice for many, but not for me. They have tried pushing everything on me from sleeping pills, to pain meds, to anti depressants. It is quite discouraging that those in the medical profession (I am a nurse so dont jump on me here) seek such simple answers for such complex, life changing problems.
Please know I understand your anger and think you have every right to be pissed. Sending strength and peace.

laurasmom

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Re: Dr. Visit (LONG)
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2007, 08:57:50 PM »
Hi Dottie,
I wasn't offended by what you said, I did not mean to come across that way.  I just didn't want others to feel that it is something they should not consider.  As I said, I take antidepressants, and I still cry! And though I can tell a difference, they are not a "magic pill".  And I totally agree with you, sometimes physicians are too quick to prescribe them, and they are not for everyone.  I went through 5 different ones before I found one that really helped me, and my doctor was patient and helpful in trying to determine what would work best for me, and she also felt that counseling was as important as taking the meds.  Unfortunately, the counseling did not do much for me, I don't know that either of them was really a grief counselor, but I had to go where my insurance dictated, and both times I was told that they were good at that.  All either of them ever did was sit and listen, and tell me that my feelings were normal.  Well, I have friends that will listen at no cost!  I did go to a weekend retreat that was offered by our local hospice, and they put us into groups according to our loss, so I was with other parents who had lost children suddenly in a violent way, and I got more out of that weekend than anything else I did.  Lots of tears, lots of hugs, we were free to get up and and walk off if we needed to be alone, and  being with others like that, there was not that feeling of being isolated, or feeling like you were out of sync with the rest of the world, or feeling "different".  And I have a friend whose daughter was killed  by a drunk driver 4 months after my daughter was killed.  The woman who helped me with my daughter's funeral service called me and told me about Audrey and asked if I would speak to her.  I wasn't sure that I could do it, my pain was still so raw, but I knew I could not turn my back on another grieving mother, so I called her.  We leaned on each other a great deal during the trials, etc.,  and we could be together and know exactly how each other felt without saying a word.  We will be friends for the rest of our lives.  I don't often post , but I come here every day and read the posts, and understand how everyone feels, as only we can understand.  This is the most difficult thing we will ever experience in our lives, and I feel a bond with all of you here.
Lois, Laura's Mom