WARNING: About Alex Triggers: mental illness, suicide

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

October 17, 1986 - November 5, 2006

Barely 20 years old...

Alex suffered from behaviorial and emotional problems his whole life. As a child he was diagnosed ADHD with oppositional defiant disorder. He always suffered from depression. He as aggressive and violent as a child.  He didn't fit in with his peers.  He was the kid who sat alone at lunch time and had trouble making friends because he was different.  On the positive he was always smiling, very friendly, and knew no stranger.  He would talk to anyone - sometime a bit scary  .  He was funny and entertaining.  Adults enjoyed him when he was in a good mood, not being stubborn, not throwing a fit, etc. 

As a teen he turned the anger inwards and his depression became even worse. He attempted suicide the first time when he was 16. By age 19 he had attempted suicide 4 times that I know of...

He was a dear, compassionate child but very difficult to live with. He had extremely poor hygiene and was generally a slob. Typing that made me give a sad smile.  I'd really like to have my slob of a son back in my life.  He ended up with a diagnosis of severe depression, poor impulse control, and a personality disorder.

The last time he had tried to commit suicide (which I believe was his 6th attempt) was in March 2006 over a job at McDonalds which he had just gotten but could not deal with. His methods of attempts were always more of a scream for help rather then him truly wanting to die. In March, I helped him start the process of getting on disability. He was approved by July. He moved into a group home that was three blocks from where I live.

From June 2006 through September 2006, he was over at my house practically every day. And I loved it.  I loved being with my son; I just couldn't handle having him live with me.  His computer was still here, and he taught me how to play his favorite RPG game, Guild Wars. He would be here everyday and we would be in the same room each on our own computers and play the game together.

The end of September he used crack for the 1st time. He then moved into supportive housing for people with disabilities (a 2-bedroom apartment which he shared with one other person). Sometime the beginning of October he stopped taking his meds and continued using crack. By November 5th, he was dead. They say he "dove" out of a window on the 14th floor of a local hi-rise. He had cocaine in his system, but was not high at the time he went out the window.

This is so very hard for me to comprehend. I know my son killed himself, however I'm not convinced that he knew that what he was doing was going to be fatal. I was very close to my son, and I miss him horribly. When I cry I literally feel my heart is breaking in half.

He had such a hard, difficult life and I know he is in a better place. I honestly feel that he had done everything he needed to do in this life and touched all of the lives he was supposed to touch -- and that God decided he had suffered enough and that it was time to go home. I'm happy for him. But I can't imagine how I'm going to live the rest of my life without him even though I know I have to.

At his funeral I read the children's book, "Where The Wild Things Are" because Alex was my wild thing. Max is the child's name in the book. I'm playing Guild Wars on Alex's account, and name all the characters I play "Max the Wild... something" in honor of Alex. After I started doing this I realized that Max = Mom plus Alex. M for mom, and A and X for AleX. Does that make sense? Anyway, it seems like a fitting name for the characters that I play for him. He never felt that he succeeded at much. He loved this game, because he kicked ass on it, and was admired by the others he played with. We always kind of gave him heck about spending too much time on the computer, but before he died he helped me understand why the game was so important to him. I thank God that he let me into his Guild Wars world and that I still have that part of him.

I'm sorry this is so lengthy. It's really the most I've shared with anyone since he died.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this...

Lori, Alex's mom

[Rebecca]

I think that you got to know you son, both sides.  I know it is very difficult for you because I can hear it in your words about his illnessess.  I hope that you knowledge about his illnesses, in some small way bring solace, knowing you did all you could and mental illness is our of a mother's control. Many will read but it is difficult to respond, without worrying about saying the wrong thing.  I hope I have not.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

I am so very sorry your son had such a difficult life. It must have been so hard for you to watch and not be able to fix it. Because as Mom's we always want to fix it. We all do the best we can. I could hear the pride you feel for your son in your words. He sounds like a complicated but truly wonderful child. I know you must miss him so very much.

Thank you for sharing your son with us,
Always here to listen
Dottie Tammie's Mom

[Donnys Dad]

Lori, thank you for sharing Alex with us.  I know how hard all this is for you, believe me I do as my only Son Donny took his own life also at the age of 30.  Like you and Alex we were so very close.  Donny also had ADHD and because he was a poor student became the class clown in order to get attention somehow.  That meant he was usually in trouble and I spent a lot of time at the school.

I know that you like me, will always be asking WHY?  Why didn't he call?  Why didn't he stop and think what it would do to his family that he loved?  The WHY's go on forever.  I found Donny in his rec room 973 days ago today.  A site that never leaves my mind.

Please keep coming back and talk, I know it seems to help me.

[quint906]

Lori,

I just read your post about Alex.  I believe Cory was also ADHD.  Like Alex, Cory made 3 attempts on his life.  Each time he tried, he always knew either that he would be found or he would notify someone of what was going on.  On the third try, his "timing" was wrong and he didn't realize how quickly he would be gone.  They have his death as a suicide because that's how the police found him.  The officer investigating my call to check on him told me he firmly believes that suicide was not Cory's intent.  That something went horribly wrong with his cry for help.  We wake up every day asking why?  Until we meet them again, we won't have our answers.  All I know is Cory played a dangerous game and it backfired on him.  I always tell people who dream of their loved ones that if Cory's with them, give him a slap in the head for me for doing something so foolish.  I miss him every moment of every day and look forward to the day I see him again. (Then I can give him the "slap" myself).  Just joking of course.  The first thing I would do is grab him and give him the biggest hug and kiss possible.

Jo

[Debh]

Lori, Alex reminded me alot of my Cory on what you wrote here. Cory was bi polar and had many problems with meds and alcohol. He was suicidal for years but the last year he made many more attempts and failed, cry for help is what I thought also and we heard him we just weren't able to stop it from happening. The night he succeeded I still don't know nor ever will if it was another attempt that didn't fail or if he knew this time it was for real and would end his life. A question I will always have and also have many opinions but never a answer. Cory was on a suicide watch for months and we still lost him, the answers are no where to be found for me on what could have stopped this from happening.  I also feel as you "he had such a hard, difficult life and I know he is in a better place. I honestly feel that he had done everything he needed to do in this life and touched all of the lives he was supposed to touch" I add though Cory loved everyone with all his heart but himself.


Your Alex sounds like a wonderful young man and I am sorry the illness took him as it took Cory and so many others. Seems no matter how close we are to our kids we never thought we lose them this way nor wanted to.

I smiled on slapping him in the head for you, boy I would love to give all my boys a kick in the butt or slap upside the head once in awhile, just like I did when they were here when something silly or foolish was done, this isn't silly or foolish for me today though it is final and there is no fixing it and damn I sure wish I could fix it.

Thank you for sharing yourself and Alex, talking about suicide is not any easier than any other deaths we have at this board but it does help when we know we not alone and crazy in our thoughts and pain.

I am so sorry and thinking of you along with our kids, all so hard and so wrong.
Missing my boys
Love
Deb

[Lori, Alex's Mom]

Thank you all of you for your love and support.  Shortly after he died I met with a friend of mine who lost her son after a 4 year battle with leukemia.  We talked about how Alex also had a terminal illness; however it was a 20 year terminal illness.  The first time I took him to see a psychologist, he was only 2 years old.  I have some really rough memories that I don't think I'm ready to share, some really good memories, and some bitter sweet ones.  Before he died, he really had grown into a loving, compassionate man who would help anyone who was in need.  It was a shame he didn't realize how truly beautiful he was.  I truly believe he knows now though.

It means so much to me to hear from all of you.  Right now I have such a hard time reaching out, and it means so much to have you all reaching out to me.  Please know that all of you are in my heart and prayers for the pain and suffering you are enduring -- I feel all of our children are flying with the angels.

In my heart I know we are all going home some day...  They just beat us to it.  Kind of makes me smile to say, "Oh he's just at Home waiting for me."

Love, peace and prayers to all of you...

Lori, Alex's mom

[MelissaCharliesMom]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son. Know that those here understand. mental illness, suicide, car accidents, illness, drugs it doesnt matter here.....no one here will ever judge you or your precious son. It is often hard to find the words....just know there are people "out here" who care and feel free to vent or share as many stories as you choose. Sending strength and peace to you.