Author Topic: I'm Hurting So Much:::  (Read 11003 times)


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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #15 on: January 25, 2007, 06:03:53 PM »

I am SO sorry. I don't know how many times I have screamed inwardly "I just want my son back", so I know exactly where you are coming from.

The day will come when you will want to go through Tammie's things and see all the tangible evidence that she was indeed here.  I did that with Josh's things.  In time, I wondered "Is this all real"?  And that is when I went through his boxes and held his things and knew in my heart - yes, he was here, and yes, he did die, but his spirit will always live on.

I was talking to Jenni after work today and she told me very quietly, that the guy who was responsible for Josh's death applied for a job where she works.  She spoke to her boss about this and the boss said "Don't worry, he will never work here as long as you are here".  And he KNEW that Jenni works there.  That angers me.  Jenni is carrying my first grandchild and this "person" wants to come near her?  Too much to try to fathom. 

Dena, Josh's Mom


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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #16 on: January 25, 2007, 08:46:57 PM »
I am so sorry that you had such a tough day yesterday Dottie. 

I wish I had been on the site yesterday to reply to your message but I didn't even turn on the computer yesterday, as it was the day before Micheal's 1st angel date, and I spent most of it on my bed wrapped in Micheal's comforter, with my head on his pillow, wallowing in self-pity and hating my life too.

I am quite familiar with the pain you felt yesterday, because I was in much the same place.  I hope there comes a time when you can look at Tammi's things with a little bit of comfort, although it will never be without pain. 

Although I still go through weeks where I cry every day, sometimes I spend so much time wearing my mask for work and my family, and "being strong", that I am filled to the top with tears that I can't cry.  Not, don't want to... I actually am unable to cry.  Those are times I need to lock myself in a room and take out Micheal's box of things... all of his pictures... all of his school and cadet stuff... and look through them and touch them and force myself to tear down my wall for awhile and cry.  It hurts so much, but like many others here have said, it also heals a little too.

I so hope you are feeling a little bit better today.
With much love... sharing your pain,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

Who, then, can so softly bind up the wound of another as he,
who has felt the same wound himself?
Thomas Jefferson


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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #17 on: January 26, 2007, 08:11:25 PM »
Oh Dottie

We are sisters in grief.  I had  a very bad meltdown this evening.  Kept asking my huband why my Larry? I still walk around the house wanting to die.  I know so how you hurt because I live it too.  Wish I could bring them both back.  This is the worst thing imaginable that could happen.  Know that I care and understand and I am holding you close to my heart.



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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2007, 12:12:01 AM »

I am sorry you are in such pain ... I did the same thing last September and I understand how it makes your heart ache. 

I am finding more and more that I am very lonely in my grief even though I have a good marriage and two sons.  My husband and I sit here most nights with our computers on our laps,  each quiet with our own thoughts, many times I just end up crying inside.   What can we say to each other that hasn't already been said?   

I am thinking of you and Tammie.  I wish there was something I could say that would help, but as we all know there is no help to be had. 


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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #19 on: January 28, 2007, 10:38:49 AM »
Dottie I know what you are going through about Tammies things.Patrick will be dead 1 year next month and I haven't even gone in his room to clean it out. He lived with me and there are so many reminders around the house like coats hanging all the gifts he gave me, his dog,Ifeel if I get rid of anything then I won't have Patrick here. I now feel he is still here when I see these things. But sooner or later I will have to go through his clothes. I did find a Buffalo Bills sweatshirt that I gave him and he wore it a lot ,so now I wear it even tho it is big on me. It gives me comfort. You are not alone, we are all going through the same thing. Yesterday was a bad crying day for me. When I talk about him I cry. We are all here for you. LOVE AND HUGS MARIE