Author Topic: I'm Hurting So Much:::  (Read 11047 times)

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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I'm Hurting So Much:::
« on: January 23, 2007, 07:39:06 PM »
Well tonight I did a really dumb thing. My brother asked me if he could have a scrapbook Tammie had made of a vacation my brother took her on when she was 8 years old. They went across country and did many wonderful things. Anyway I said yes I knew exactly where it was I would get it out. So tonight I decide to get it.  It was in Tammie's cedar chest. I opened the trunk and began looking at all the things my daughter had saved.

All her report cards, every card anyone had ever sent her, the cards she made for me, her journals, diary, pictures, high school things, all her school dance pictures, prom picture. Oh God my daughters life was in this trunk. Like an idiot I started reading and going thru all the things, after about 3 hours I just couldn't do anymore.

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK, if only I could go back and relive these things.
HOW CAN THIS BE REAL???? I miss her so much. Now I have been crying for hours and just can't seem to quit. My sister called and tried to talk to me and calm me down but the only thing that can do that is TAMMIE coming home. So many things she kept that I had no idea she still had, now they are mine. But all I want is her::::::

How can I possibly live the rest of my life without her. I looked at the pictures of her laughing, playing around, playing softball and tennis, so alive how could this happen. I am so ANGRY at the WORLD I could just scream. I HATE MY LIFE NOW. WHY, WHY, WHY.

I just want to die too so I can see my girl again. When I was upset she was ALWAYS there to comfort me, I need her now. I feel like I am back at day one, not really believing this is true.

I go to my group tomorrow, they will probably be sorry to see me.

Thanks everyone,
Dottie Tammie's Mom


Debh

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2007, 08:02:34 PM »
Dottie I am sorry your hurting so much. I personally don't think its a dumb thing you did at all. Painful as it is I find these things are what keeps us closer to our kids today and the pain eases the more we do what we know hurts so darn much. I still haven't done the videos and don't know that day will come but I do see the more I keep these things your speaking of close to me my boys remain close to me if that makes sense. The first times are the hardest and somedays no matter what I do it seems hard as the first day but I do see more days of smiles with these memories I cherish so much today. I hope this for you someday also. the so called dumb things we think we do that bring on those tears seem to find away to make it not so dumb through the years.  We are so fortunate for the time we had and so fortunate our kids lives were so fullfilled while they were here, so unfortunate it ended so soon. I hope after the tears stop you feel a new sort of closeness to Tammy for all you went through today with her keepsakes, I am glad she left you so much to hold onto and hope in time you can smile with those memories. Wishing Tammy was here for you, wishing my life away each day that our kids were all here for us all.

Love
Deb

Paula (Adam's Brokenhearted Mama)

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2007, 08:10:37 PM »
I'm sorry for the pain that you are in. I have been having serious contemplations about my own death tonight as I am coming precariously close to what I can endure.

Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2007, 08:11:53 PM »
((((Dottie))))

I am so sorry that you are hurting so much and that your precious Tammie is not there with you.  So unfair and so wrong!

I don't think that you did a "dumb" thing by looking through Tammie's cedar chest tonight.  I think that in time you may find comfort in seeing and touching those same memories, although they may always be bittersweet.  I do think that right now you are understandably overwhelmed by the enormousness of your loss and the fullness of Tammie's life.  It is so hard for me to take it all in at once, as when I go into Adam's room.  It is so powerful and shocks me all over again, starts the uncontrolable sobs.  I think that sometimes it is just what I have to do, to cry those tears until I cannot cry anymore.  I am so sorry for what you are going through tonight and wish you didn't have to experience this at all.

Know that you and your beautiful Tammie are in my thoughts tonight.  I hope that you are able to get some rest and that your group tomorrow helps.

Love and hugs,
Katie

Sharon - Dawn's Mom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #4 on: January 24, 2007, 03:01:14 AM »
Dear Dottie,
I am hurting right along with you.  I don't think you were dumb to go through Tammie's keepsakes.  Like it or not, I think that it's part of the healing that we need to go through on this horribe journey.   I know that for me, everytime I go though something of Dawn's I have those meltdowns.  These precious keepsakes were the lives of our girls....and yes we want them back, every piece of them.  The why's and the what ifs will always be.  I am so sorry, and Dottie I am crying in my heart for you as you are hurting so much.  I'm glad you have your group meeting tonight, I'm sure they will be glad to see you and hopefully uplift your spirits.

Love and Hugs and we miss our girls together,
Sharon - Dawn's Mom Forever

Pauline

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #5 on: January 24, 2007, 07:09:08 AM »
Dear Dottie,

I really do know you must feel...It has been over 10 years since I lost Anne, and I just want her back, or just be with her now.  I know we were blessed to have them as long as we did...in my case, we could have lost Anne at birth, but she survived and we had her for 24 yrs...but that wasn't nearly long enough.  I wanted more!!!

I know that she is probably happy and busy on the other side, but I want her HERE!! 

{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}}}}},
Pauline   Anne's Mom

I want to post a pic of her, but it says it is too full.

shelly Tristans mom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #6 on: January 24, 2007, 08:12:21 AM »
Oh Dottie,

Last week My hubby and I were cleaning up our storage room and came across some of Tristan's things that we had forgotten about. Long story short we ended up on the floor crying together.  I want those little surprise things  of his to keep popping up for the rest of my life. It means he is still around here guiding me to the little parts of him that I still have.

For my birthday last year, (only 2 weeks after Tristan left), my other kids made me a beautiful scrap book with Tristan's pictures and some mementos.  I keep it on my dresser in my bedroom and look through it regularly.  I know that going through the album will cause me pain but not looking at it would be worse, for me. 

I am not sure if looking at the album is therapeutic or not but I know that it is a necessity if I am to continue on this horrible journey. What I am saying is that we each have to grieve in our own way, and in our own time frame.

Maybe it is too soon for you to go through Tammie's things. Or maybe it is the exact right time and she is guiding you to where you are supposed to be.

I don't believe in coincidence.(anymore)   Tammie is beside you helping you to get to where you are supposed to be.

I wish that I had some magical words to make your pain go away. I wish that we didn't all have to be in this horrible club of bereaved parents.  Above all I pray that Tammie will send you a sign that she is with you and give you some peace.

(((((((HUGS))))))))
Shelly, Tristan's Mom

Shelly, Tristan's Mom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::(((Dottie)))
« Reply #7 on: January 24, 2007, 10:25:31 AM »
OH DOTTIE,
I don't know what to tell you...I AM SO SORRY that any of us have to live this HELL ON EARTH!!!
I am sending you (((BIG HUGS))), love and comfort.
You can cry on our shoulders anytime.

Take Care My Dear Friend,
John
Wishing You All Continuous Comfort & Peace,
John-Danielle Marie’s Daddy
1/4/95-2/20/06 (head trauma-motor vehicle accident)
“Her friendship was an inspiration, her love a blessing”

SueH

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #8 on: January 24, 2007, 11:32:42 AM »
I know how you feel... I do...
So sorry you are having to deal with this. But at least you are dealing with it, even though you may not think so.
There will be more times things like this will come up and you'll deal with them.
It's a bitter sweet moment that happens... you cry and maybe laugh too, especially looking at the pictures when she was soooo happy.
I do this all the time...
Sometimes it gets easier... but then sometimes it doesn't... I think it just depends on the mood I'm in, when I'm looking at all of Sara's stuff.
Maybe one day we'll know the answer to our asking WHY?
Hold on......

Sue *Sara's* Mom
"yep yep yep"

sykeller (Ray's mom)

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #9 on: January 24, 2007, 12:33:03 PM »
Dear Dottie,

I am sorry your feeling this terrible pain. I don't think you did anything 'dumb', absolutely not. Although it is painful, we need these memories to keep us closer to children.   I visit Ray's website several times a day, it is the first and last thing I do every day.  It does bring sorrow and tears, but (when I'm alone) I also talk to him and imagine he hears me.  It is where I communicate all the things I can not tell anyone else, and it does bring some measure of peace.  As Deb said, "We are so fortunate for the time we had and so fortunate our kids lives were so fullfilled while they were here, so unfortunate it ended so soon." I feel the intense love between you and Tammie everytime I read your posts and my heart goes out to you.

Wishing you comfort and Peace,

Sy


Marianne

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #10 on: January 24, 2007, 12:52:25 PM »
Oh Dottie,

We are walking on this path of grief together - along about the same time-line.  My thoughts are so similar to yours.  It makes me feel like maybe I am not going crazy.

I have been sleeping allot.  Just can't get enough energy together for a productive day.  I am 41 years old and feel like a very old lady.  I try to get one thing accomplished a day - a load of wash, a trip to the store - WHY is it so hard?  I just feel heavy with grief - it is all too much.

I so understand your pain!

HUGS and LOVE
Marianne (Alek's Mom Forever)

Valerie (Kyle's Mom)

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #11 on: January 24, 2007, 03:38:54 PM »
 :(My heart aches for you Dottie, I don't think it was a dumb thing either, you must have felt strong at the moment to have attempted to go through her things, myself, I haven't had that strength yet.  It's hard for me to say right now that I can look at having my son Kyle for almost 23 years and feel good about that yet.  In time I hope I can, but I am like you, anger takes ahold of me and makes my healing process stay at a stand still.  I don't feel any better now than I did when he passed away, my hope is to eventually get through my anger and find peace within myself.  Like Shelly said, we all grieve in so many different ways, theres no way any of us can put a time limit on it, we will forever have a void in our lives, just trying to find a way
to survive and capture joy is all I ask for each day.  Hope you found some comfort in your group today, and I hope you allow yourself to open up and speak freely on any thoughts, anger and feelings. Crying and letting go can be draining, but I have found out that doing so I feel I am making that so called baby step towards healing and peace of mind.   Thinking of you and wishing you a peaceful evening....((hugs)) Valerie (Kyle's Mom)
Valerie R. Patton (Kyle Berry's Mom)
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CRCmom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #12 on: January 24, 2007, 05:24:27 PM »
Dottie,

I so understand how you are feeling.  I hate my life too and just want Christian back.  I am ANGRY at the world too.  I went with a friend to the orthopedic dr's.  She had carpal tunnel surgery.  I went and looked on the board to see who the dr's were.  She asked me what I was looking for and I said "the Dr. that killed my son"!!!!!!!!!  It was a senseless death that the Dr. could have prevented if he had LISTENTED and told me what to look for!!!!!  It will be two years since Christian's death in February and I am back to the beginning too, it seems.  I HATE this new life without my son.  I hate being sad all the time and having to drag myself out of bed each morning. 

Sorry, I am not helping you!!!  We will get through this just like every day before. 
I wish often that I would die so I could be with my son.  But I am not in control of any of this.

Love to you
LOVE AND GRACE ON THE JOURNEY,
PAULA


Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #13 on: January 24, 2007, 09:22:59 PM »
((((( Dottie)))))) The pain is inescapable, I'm so sorry.
Love
Brenda

Donnys Dad

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Re: I'm Hurting So Much:::
« Reply #14 on: January 25, 2007, 08:31:02 AM »
Dottie I am so sorry I did not see your post earlier.  I feel so bad for you, that pain is so bad.  All the memories that should bring us joy eventually, hurt so bad right now.  What you did was not stupid at all.  They are all precious things of Tammies that helps to keep her with you.

I have a storage box in my office of different personal things Donny had.  One of them is a bag from the Medical Examiner who put his wallet and watch in the bag.  On Donny's Birthday I decided to start wearing the watch Donny had on when he left me.  It hurt bad to see those things in the box, I cried when I put on his watch at his grave but felt I had to do it.  I am glad I did as now I feel him with me just by looking at is watch.

I so hope the pain eases for you
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad