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Main / Re: Difficulty with Friend

« Last post by Irene on September 23, 2019, 10:52:26 AM »

Yes Tom, my friend has been focused solely on her own issues for the last two years, and while I understand that life has been difficult for her, I find her need for me to contact her at undefined times of her crises, anxiety provoking and then her resulting anger, when I have failed to "perform" appropriately, even more stressful. I have since received a couple of e-mails from her, advising me that if I just accepted that I should have called her on the one night where she was under stress(but felt that she couldn't call me) we would be working towards fixing the issues. Unfortunately, a year ago, when she had a similar issue, she advised me that I was continually dropping the ball in terms of support and this would only happen again. At the time, I believed she was right and that was correct. I have bought the book, "Boundaries" as this was recommended to me, and I have suggested going to a counselor to work through this, but she isn't wanting to pursue this angle at this point in time. To be honest, I find after a lifetime of friendship, that being blamed for being the problem and being given the corrected path of making things right again, would be helpful to her perhaps, but would be a form of accepting abusive behaviour on my part. I just want to be accepted for who I am and if my support offered isn't what she needs, then I don't have any answers other than discussing this jointly with an unbiased counselor.

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Main / grief groups at church

« Last post by mizwolf2000 on September 13, 2019, 11:32:18 AM »

Have any of you done a grief group in person? There is one on Wednesday nights at a church near me that I am interested in attending but I am not sure how religious it would be. I looked online and virtually all grief groups near me within 50 miles are at churchs. Any insight would be appreciated. (I realize I could just go and see... but was curious what to expect)

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Main / Re: Difficulty with Friend

« Last post by Tom on September 12, 2019, 09:25:00 AM »

Irene -  Sorry to hear about the troubles with this friendship.  Grief can put a strain on friendships.  When we are acutely grieving it is often difficult to reciprocate and be of help to others.  We are in a mess and our own troubles rightfully come to the top.  Friends of grieving folks need to be able to take care of themselves and be as kind and helpful to the grieving person while at the same time making sure that they are taken care of.  Many a friendship has been lost from this sort of dynamic.  If someone demands a one way relationship use caution and be sure to consider your own needs.   

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by Tom on September 12, 2019, 09:12:22 AM »

Hi Irene -  good to hear from you and glad that you have had a good experience with the forums.  Sadly we are needing to turn things off so you may not be getting much of a response.  Tom

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by Irene on September 11, 2019, 06:44:04 AM »

Hi,
   I will forever be grateful to this board which I found almost 15 years ago when my mother passed away suddenly. I was desperate for finding ways to just make it through each day(and often it felt from minute to minute). I've never found another forum that has been more helpful to me. I have just written about another issue in the hopes that I could gain some insight but I remain forever grateful for the help that I received when I was most in need. Thank you.

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Main / Difficulty with Friend

« Last post by Irene on September 11, 2019, 06:33:13 AM »

Hi, Years ago I joined this site after my mother had passed away and I found tremendous help from the members that listened and gave me advice. I will be grateful for the information I received here for the rest of my life. I have a lifelong friend who has been going through some issues for many years and for which she has been seeing a counselor. Two years ago, her stresses increased and she lashed out at me for not being supportive and that in the future, our communication had to be mainly about her. There have been a couple of instances in the last two years, where she has told me after becoming irritated with her feeling of me not being supportive enough, where she has withdrawn and told me that she needs time on her own and then a few weeks later, she would contact me again and we would continue on, often again with her feeling that I am not giving her the support that she needs. A few weeks ago, she called me one day, to tell me that she was facing a difficult decision. She called multiple times that morning and each time we discussed ways to solve the situation. That night I was packing to go away on a trip, but the next afternoon when I reached my destination I called her. She didn't pick up the phone, for the next two days and then on the third day she answered and told me that she was too upset that I hadn't called her on the Friday night(we had already spoken multiple times that day) to check in on her. I explained that I had called her the next day, and she was upset that it hadn't been the Friday night and that she didn't have the energy to pick up the phone when I called her the following days. After going to see a counselor as I was feeling so anxious about this continued sense of controlling behaviour on the part of my friend, I communicated with my friend how I felt. She later contacted me to say that she doesn't want to continue with this toxic relationship(and I agree that this is what it has become) and she is going to spend the future focusing on herself without contact from me. It's been a few weeks now, but after decades of friendship I know this friend and feel that she won't seek out the help that she needs, and instead will blame me for the fallout, as she has for the last two years. I know that without this help, our friendship is essentially over after a lifetime as the blaming and anger directed at me, has taken it's toll on me, and although I don't regret telling her how I felt about our relationship over the last two years, I do feel regret that knowing her so well, her anger won't dissipate and this will be the end of our friendship-one that was one of the most important in my life.

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by Tom on August 23, 2019, 07:18:40 PM »

Thank you Barb, I appreciate the feedback.  What most don't know is that these were the first forums on the internet serving the bereaved. I started them in 1995 and they have been running since then.  Thousands of grieving folks have found their way here and it has been very fulfilling for me to watch the tremendous support that members here were able to give to each other. 

But it seems like the time to let things go and unless I hear a great deal of protests I will be turning things off.

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by barb0617 on August 21, 2019, 06:47:11 PM »

Tom, I just want to express my appreciation for what you did here. I lost a son 20 years ago, and the child loss board, available 24/7, all those sleepless nights, enabled my survival. All those parents who knew what I was going through. I lost another son 8 years later. Thank you for this site. Not sure I could have survived without it.

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by Tom on August 19, 2019, 09:29:54 AM »

Hi Lavonne - Thanks for your feedback.  I think you are correct that the activity level here is far too low for the boards to carry out their mission.  I will likely be closing them soon.

   

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Main / Re: The Forums

« Last post by LaVonne on August 18, 2019, 09:54:57 AM »

i am sorry I did not respond earlier but there was never anyone here. i love this board but the last year or more you would come on and nobody responded for a month or more so I only checked in once in a while. This board was my life and could always talk about my son. He has been gone almost 20yrs but I still like to talk about him. Most friends and family don't get it.  I will start checking on more if someone will be here. thanks so much  LaVonne Olson