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Messages - Tinabeth

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Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Random thoughts I have almost daily - Do you?
« on: October 01, 2013, 04:42:19 PM »
Thanks Terry.

I wish I understood better what causes me to kind of go into a tailspin. I think what's  got me going is my upcoming birthday. It has bothered me at this time the past 2 years,  but this year it seems to have come on earlier. Maybe because it's my 50th. I don't really care that I'm turning 50, but it really ticks me off that he didn't get to...that we're not at this point together.

I thank God for my 2 girls and 4 grandsons. But dammit, I so wish Jay were here too.

I also want to say that I truly think I've done myself a disservice by not visiting here and sharing my thoughts more often. This website is a blessing. Even though I had not visited here in several months, I knew this was one place I'm safe venting my feelings.
Thank you so much for that.

I know that "this too shall pass", but thanks for listening.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Random thoughts I have almost daily - Do you?
« on: October 01, 2013, 12:57:10 PM »
Why can't  I just do?
Why do I question?
Why do I dwell?
Why can't I just be?
Gnawing, aching, lonely, craving, wandering, analyzing, searching.
Sad & lost feeling much of the time.
Happy, but dampered, many times.
Always a piece missing.
When, if ever,  does this pass?
Stuck, suspended - move forward then move back.
Is this just part of the journey, or am I stuck?

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Grief at Christmas
« on: December 14, 2012, 12:44:06 AM »
Thanks for the suggestion. I'm going to look at it.  Tina :)

Spouse, Partner Loss / Ramblings of an aching heart
« on: December 14, 2012, 12:32:31 AM »
It will be 22 months next week since my Jay died. I am finding this Christmas to be more difficult than last. I believe I was still numb and running on automatic last Christmas. Finding it very difficult to get into any kind of holiday spirit despite having 4 young grandsons (all under 4) to celebrate with.  I just look at them and my heart aches that he isn't here to enjoy them with me. Am finding that I'm back to having minor things really upset me again. Found his Nikeplus on the desk tonite. He had it on when he died. I suddenly recalled removing it from his arm at the funeral home where his body was taken. Remembering how he looked so peaceful laying there and how only 8 hours before he had gotten ready, kissed me goodbye and left for work.  Oh Lord, I just don't know sometimes why my mind works the way it does.
Thanks for listening to me. Tina

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Maureen
« on: June 14, 2011, 07:15:57 AM »

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Feel like I'm losing my mind
« on: June 14, 2011, 07:12:57 AM »
Thank you Lew, Terry, and browneyedgirl.  I appreciate being able to come vent my feelings here to folks who understand.  ((Hugs))

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Feel like I'm losing my mind
« on: June 13, 2011, 11:23:59 AM »
Yesterday, June 12, was our anniversary date and my first one without him. We would have been married 29 years.  I made it through yesterday fairly well.  Between church and my daughters taking me out to lunch and my grandsons I was pretty well occupied most of the day so not much time to dwell on missing Jay. 
Today however has been a different story.  I've cried, prayed, ranted, slammed things, etc, etc.  And now I am so tired that I wish I could just lie down, close my eyes, and go be with my love.  Don't get me wrong, I have no suicidal thoughts, but I would be more than happy if the Lord decided to call me home right now.
4 days and he will have been gone 4 months.  Praying for some peace for all of us.  Tina ;(

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Linda
« on: June 13, 2011, 11:08:56 AM »
So sorry for the loss of your wife.  Praying for you. 

Spouse, Partner Loss / Poem for those who have lost a mate
« on: June 10, 2011, 06:49:38 PM »
I found this poem in a book back in March and just today located that book again.  Sorry if this is a repeat for anyone.

One or the other must leave,
One or the other must stay.
One or the other must grieve,
That is forever the way.
That is the vow that was sworn,
Faithful 'til death do us part.
Braving what had to be borne,
Hiding the ache in the heart.
One, howsoever adored,
First must be summoned away.
That is the will of the Lord
One or the other must stay.    ~Anonymous

So much truth in this poem. :(

Spouse, Partner Loss / Feel like I'm losing my mind
« on: June 05, 2011, 05:28:58 PM »
Haven't been on here in awhile.  Am at week 15 without my Jay.  I am having good and bad days.  I find myself wondering more everyday if I can stay in the home that we have lived in for 20+ years. 
I feel at times that I must be here - I couldn't face things being anywhere else.  Then at other times I can't bear being here - too many memories.  I know this early in the grief process is NOT the time to make these kinds of decisions, but I am feeling soooo conflicted.
I am also overwhelmed with everything of his that there is to deal with.  He was a collector of many items.  He had a "man cave" that is full of his treasures along with his computer and television and books and guitars, etc. etc etc. 
I have two daughters that are supportive, but they each have small children and don't live close and they have their own lives.  And I don't really want anyone else going through his things - is that crazy of me or is that normal?  He had two bicycles that were high end cycles because he was getting into really enjoying cyclying.  I let one of our son-in-law's ride one this weekend.  I thought I was okay with it, but when I saw him on it and that he wasn't doing things the way Jay would have, I almost came unglued.  I didn't say anything; I just bit my tongue and kept saying "it is ok, it is ok, Jay isn't here to use it", but my heart was breaking all along.
I also find myself being very happy but very nervous when my kids and grandkids are around.  I feel guilty about feeling this way, but can't seem to help myself.  One set was around for 4 days this past week and one set stayed with me last night.  I've had to take a Xanax each morning to tolerate them and myself.  And I hadn't taken a xanax in a couple of weeks.  I just don't know about myself.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Welcome Tinabeth
« on: April 27, 2011, 06:54:36 PM »
Thank you Terry and browneyedgirl.

Main / Re: My friend Wade
« on: April 26, 2011, 12:19:54 PM »
browneyedgirl - I'm very sorry about the death of your friend.  Thinking of you.  Tinabeth

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Introductions thread
« on: April 26, 2011, 12:16:18 PM »
Arthur - I'm very sorry for your loss.  Tinabeth

Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Welcome Tinabeth
« on: April 26, 2011, 12:14:43 PM »
Thank you Terry.  No I haven't started a journal.  I have written him a letter - I did that at about week 6.  I have done lots of reading since his passing.  Some books were helpbul, some not so much.  I appreciate having someplace to share my grief.  Friends and family are nice to talk with, but the fact of the matter is that none of them really understand because they have't lost a spouse.  I have attended a local grief share group, but it only meets once a month.

Like I said, I am glad to be able to vent things here that I don't feel able to face to face with people I know personally. 


Main / Re: so Mad!
« on: April 23, 2011, 06:46:21 PM »

I've had those very thoughts myself several times about my husband dying.  I've gotten very mad at him and God for leaving me in this situation.  I even stopped on the side of the road where he had his vehicle accident one evening and screamed at him and God for like 20 minutes.  I know folks driving by thought I was insane, but I just really didn't care.  It did help me doing that.  I was totally exhausted afterward and cried all the way home, but I did sleep that night.

It's been nine weeks since my husband died and I've been mad at him several times.  I think it's all part of the terrible journey we are having to make.  I hope you can find some peace.  Hugs.  Tinabeth

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