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1
Child Loss / Re: Suicide attempts by a parent after the loss of a child
« on: November 29, 2008, 11:09:46 AM »
Paula,
I read this board from time to time and really never post anymore, but I feel moved to respond to you.
I can understand why you felt as you did, and why you did what you did. My other children were all grown when Laura was killed. I had times that I sat on the side of my bed and held the bottle of pills in my hand and wondered if there were enough to make me go to sleep and not wake up. I just could not bear the pain anymore. I always put them back in the drawer, because I knew how much it would hurt my other children, but oh, how much I wanted that relief from the pain! I remember one night I woke up with terrible pains in my chest, and I did nothing but lie in bed, not caring if I was having a heart attack, because then the decision was made and I wouldn't fight it. But obviously it was nothing, because I am still here.
After more than 5 years, I do not think about suicide any more, but I do not fear death either. I miss her so much, and I have pain in my heart every day, I still cry and want answers, but answers are not to be, not in this lifetime. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings completely. You ar enot alone!
Lois
I read this board from time to time and really never post anymore, but I feel moved to respond to you.
I can understand why you felt as you did, and why you did what you did. My other children were all grown when Laura was killed. I had times that I sat on the side of my bed and held the bottle of pills in my hand and wondered if there were enough to make me go to sleep and not wake up. I just could not bear the pain anymore. I always put them back in the drawer, because I knew how much it would hurt my other children, but oh, how much I wanted that relief from the pain! I remember one night I woke up with terrible pains in my chest, and I did nothing but lie in bed, not caring if I was having a heart attack, because then the decision was made and I wouldn't fight it. But obviously it was nothing, because I am still here.
After more than 5 years, I do not think about suicide any more, but I do not fear death either. I miss her so much, and I have pain in my heart every day, I still cry and want answers, but answers are not to be, not in this lifetime. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand your feelings completely. You ar enot alone!
Lois
2
Child Loss / Re: Inspirational-The Pink Dress
« on: August 05, 2008, 06:17:47 PM »
Very beautiful John, and like Shelly, I got goose bumps. Laura was buried in her prom dress, which was pink, and the first time she put it on, she was twirling around saying she felt like a princess!
Thank you,
Lois
Thank you,
Lois
3
Child Loss / Re: Justice System is a joke.
« on: July 03, 2008, 09:54:30 AM »
Rebecca,
Are you a probation officer? I wish you were the one speaking to Laura's killer. He has never shown any remorse whatsoever, at any time, and I have a difficult time believing that he hasn't violated his probation so far in the last 10 months, considering he couldn't stay clean during the two months between his trial and sentencing. During that time he was taken into custody due to drugs in his urine. He is supposed to be on mandatory supervised probation with routine checks now, but I have to wonder how closely he is being supervised. This is a man with a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, many driving violations before he killed Laura, and also violations before we even went to trial. Justice system? It works more for the criminals than the victims.
Lois
Are you a probation officer? I wish you were the one speaking to Laura's killer. He has never shown any remorse whatsoever, at any time, and I have a difficult time believing that he hasn't violated his probation so far in the last 10 months, considering he couldn't stay clean during the two months between his trial and sentencing. During that time he was taken into custody due to drugs in his urine. He is supposed to be on mandatory supervised probation with routine checks now, but I have to wonder how closely he is being supervised. This is a man with a long history of drug and alcohol abuse, many driving violations before he killed Laura, and also violations before we even went to trial. Justice system? It works more for the criminals than the victims.
Lois
4
Child Loss / Re: "died" vs "passed away"
« on: January 30, 2008, 08:10:44 PM »
I never say passed away when referring to Laura, but I use that term when talking about my mother or grandmother, as they were ill and then died. With my Dad I say died because he was so young and it was so quick (heart attack). But when referring to Laura, I sometimes will say died, but most often I say Killed, because she was, by a man 3 times her age who was on drugs and driving. I don't call it an accident either, because he purposely drove though that stop sign with no intention of stopping, so I call it a collision. And if anyone is offended by what I say...too bad!! The truth is the truth, and I'm not sugarcoating it for anyone. If they don't like it, or feel uncomfortable, too bad!! If someone said that to me, I would respond with, well, how would you feel if it were your child? And be glad you don't know!
5
Child Loss / Re: suicide of teen granddaughter
« on: December 18, 2007, 09:05:20 PM »
Bea,
I am so sorry for your pain. Know that you will find people here who will listen and care.
My heart is with you.
Lois
I am so sorry for your pain. Know that you will find people here who will listen and care.
My heart is with you.
Lois
6
Child Loss / Re: I don't understand
« on: December 15, 2007, 06:06:39 PM »
Penny,
My heart breaks as I read your pain. I understand it completely. I have only been shopping once, and I still need to get so much. I had meltdowns just this past 4 days. i used to love Christmas and all it's hustle and bustle. Now I hate all of it, I just want it to be over. I'm sick of the songs and the decorations and all of it. I'm tired of wearing this mask too, but I do it anyway. You are not alone, sweetie, and you did not do anything to deserve this. Please just hang on, you are in my heart.
Lois
My heart breaks as I read your pain. I understand it completely. I have only been shopping once, and I still need to get so much. I had meltdowns just this past 4 days. i used to love Christmas and all it's hustle and bustle. Now I hate all of it, I just want it to be over. I'm sick of the songs and the decorations and all of it. I'm tired of wearing this mask too, but I do it anyway. You are not alone, sweetie, and you did not do anything to deserve this. Please just hang on, you are in my heart.
Lois
7
Child Loss / Re: My surgery
« on: December 02, 2007, 11:18:29 PM »
Rebecca,
My thoughts are with you, I hope everything goes well and you recover quickly.
Lois
My thoughts are with you, I hope everything goes well and you recover quickly.
Lois
8
Child Loss / Re: unable to grieve
« on: November 17, 2007, 12:08:11 PM »
Hi Elle,
My daughter Laura was killed June 7, 2003 by a drug impaired driver, and I still have not truly "grieved". I miss her and think of her all of the time, but have still been unable to truly feel her loss. I have been to counseling twice, and for me it did nothing. I am on an antidepressant, have been for nearly 4 years. I have been told that my anger is masking my grief. I used to try to make myself feel losing her, but my mind shuts down and won't let me go there. I don't try anymore. Maybe being numb is the only way I can function. You are not alone.
Lois
My daughter Laura was killed June 7, 2003 by a drug impaired driver, and I still have not truly "grieved". I miss her and think of her all of the time, but have still been unable to truly feel her loss. I have been to counseling twice, and for me it did nothing. I am on an antidepressant, have been for nearly 4 years. I have been told that my anger is masking my grief. I used to try to make myself feel losing her, but my mind shuts down and won't let me go there. I don't try anymore. Maybe being numb is the only way I can function. You are not alone.
Lois
9
Child Loss / Re: POEM: You Killed Our Beautiful Daughter (VERY ANGRY)
« on: November 06, 2007, 05:54:09 PM »
John,
Your poem could have been written from my heart, but I know the answer to the last question. It is "NO". He has never been sorry for killing Laura. When he was finally arrested 5 months later, because the police officer wanted to get him so badly that he waited until everything was in place so there would be no loopholes, his response to the police was "I thought this was all over and done with." When it finally went to trial after 6 postponements due to his playing the system, after he was found guilty, the judge asked him if he had anything to say. He said "No". When I went to his parole hearing to testify against him, when he had his say he said he didn't deserve to be in jail, that it wasn't his fault. This man drove though a stop sign at 70 mph, never attempted to stop, swerve, did nothing to avoid hitting my daughter and son. As for the cocaine found in his system, he denied ever using it, said he must have inhaled it from the air at a party where other people were using it. And now, after spending 2 years and 3 months in jail, he is free, but my daughter is still dead of course. I think of you and everyone on this board all of the time, although I don't always post much. And everytime I see Danielle's beautiful smiling face, my heart breaks even more for you.
Lois
Your poem could have been written from my heart, but I know the answer to the last question. It is "NO". He has never been sorry for killing Laura. When he was finally arrested 5 months later, because the police officer wanted to get him so badly that he waited until everything was in place so there would be no loopholes, his response to the police was "I thought this was all over and done with." When it finally went to trial after 6 postponements due to his playing the system, after he was found guilty, the judge asked him if he had anything to say. He said "No". When I went to his parole hearing to testify against him, when he had his say he said he didn't deserve to be in jail, that it wasn't his fault. This man drove though a stop sign at 70 mph, never attempted to stop, swerve, did nothing to avoid hitting my daughter and son. As for the cocaine found in his system, he denied ever using it, said he must have inhaled it from the air at a party where other people were using it. And now, after spending 2 years and 3 months in jail, he is free, but my daughter is still dead of course. I think of you and everyone on this board all of the time, although I don't always post much. And everytime I see Danielle's beautiful smiling face, my heart breaks even more for you.
Lois
10
Child Loss / Re: Hope For The Day: Why did this happen to me?
« on: November 06, 2007, 05:40:05 PM »
I still want to know "why?" every day. It's been over 4 years and I still want an answer!
Lois
Lois
11
Child Loss / Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« on: October 12, 2007, 11:36:17 PM »
Candi,
When a fanily is close, everyone feels close to everyone's childen. I love my neices and would hurt if something would happen to them, as wekk as feeking my brither's pain and grief. My brothers will still fill up with tears taking about Laura. And I feel as you do, it has been 4 years, 4 months and 6 days, and I still want her back. I always will. I miss her so much eveyday.
Love to all,
Lois
When a fanily is close, everyone feels close to everyone's childen. I love my neices and would hurt if something would happen to them, as wekk as feeking my brither's pain and grief. My brothers will still fill up with tears taking about Laura. And I feel as you do, it has been 4 years, 4 months and 6 days, and I still want her back. I always will. I miss her so much eveyday.
Love to all,
Lois
12
Child Loss / Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« on: October 12, 2007, 08:19:39 PM »
Bonnie,
Please don't feel that you need to apologize to me, I was not upset at all by what you said. I think Karen said it best....we all grieve the loss of our child, but differently. Laura is my youngest child, my other children were 12, 10 and 7 when she was born, so she was a family baby. When she was killed I had 2 grandsons. I don't know that I can say having other children is a comfort, because I still don't feel that anything can comfort me regarding her death. I do know that after her death, for a long time I felt that I had to shut off all feelings, even toward my other children and my grandsons, I wouldn't let myself feel anything because I could not let myself be vulnerable to that kind of pain again. I knew that I loved them, but I couldn't let myself feel it, I don't know if this makes sense ot not, but that's how I felt. It wasn't until my 3rd grandson was born that I really began to feel anything again. I guess part of my being that way too was that my son (3rd child) was injured in the collision that Laura died in, and I needed to be able to take care of him. I don't know, I only know that I did what I had to, so that I could survive and do what I had to do. And that's what we all do to survive this pain that has no end.
Much love to you, and you will be on my mind for the difficult day (another one!) you have tomorrow.
Lois
Please don't feel that you need to apologize to me, I was not upset at all by what you said. I think Karen said it best....we all grieve the loss of our child, but differently. Laura is my youngest child, my other children were 12, 10 and 7 when she was born, so she was a family baby. When she was killed I had 2 grandsons. I don't know that I can say having other children is a comfort, because I still don't feel that anything can comfort me regarding her death. I do know that after her death, for a long time I felt that I had to shut off all feelings, even toward my other children and my grandsons, I wouldn't let myself feel anything because I could not let myself be vulnerable to that kind of pain again. I knew that I loved them, but I couldn't let myself feel it, I don't know if this makes sense ot not, but that's how I felt. It wasn't until my 3rd grandson was born that I really began to feel anything again. I guess part of my being that way too was that my son (3rd child) was injured in the collision that Laura died in, and I needed to be able to take care of him. I don't know, I only know that I did what I had to, so that I could survive and do what I had to do. And that's what we all do to survive this pain that has no end.
Much love to you, and you will be on my mind for the difficult day (another one!) you have tomorrow.
Lois
13
Child Loss / Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« on: October 10, 2007, 06:52:57 PM »
Lisa,
you said it all. Laura is in my mind every moment of every day, and we all still miss her terribly. My second daughter recently married, and my 3 suriving children all chose a song that the 3 of them could dance to together. It was very beautiful and touching, but there were also many tears and it was so obvious that one was missing. Every time I talk with pne of my other children, with my family, Laura always comes up. We will never not miss her.
Lois
you said it all. Laura is in my mind every moment of every day, and we all still miss her terribly. My second daughter recently married, and my 3 suriving children all chose a song that the 3 of them could dance to together. It was very beautiful and touching, but there were also many tears and it was so obvious that one was missing. Every time I talk with pne of my other children, with my family, Laura always comes up. We will never not miss her.
Lois
14
Child Loss / Re: Myths on the death of a child-This says it ALL!!!
« on: October 09, 2007, 01:03:49 PM »
Another myth: "At least you have other children. Just think how much worse it would be if she had been your only child."
I can't tell you how many times I heard this, and it makes me sooo angry! Like your love is divided, so if you have 2 children, then your loss is only 1/2 of what someone's would be who only had 1 child??!!?? I think not!! I feel the pain of her loss every day, and the emptiness that will never be filled. And the fear that this could happen again with one of my other children or one of my grandchildren! I have a friend who lost her son, and he was the youngest of 6, and her pain and grief are no less than mine or anyone else's.
I wish none of us had to bear this.
Lois
I can't tell you how many times I heard this, and it makes me sooo angry! Like your love is divided, so if you have 2 children, then your loss is only 1/2 of what someone's would be who only had 1 child??!!?? I think not!! I feel the pain of her loss every day, and the emptiness that will never be filled. And the fear that this could happen again with one of my other children or one of my grandchildren! I have a friend who lost her son, and he was the youngest of 6, and her pain and grief are no less than mine or anyone else's.
I wish none of us had to bear this.
Lois
15
Child Loss / Re: A Poll- If one is interested
« on: September 24, 2007, 12:02:32 PM »
We are still together, were married 35 years in July.
Lois
Lois