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Messages - DaveB

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31
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Jason?
« on: July 13, 2012, 01:05:49 PM »
Believe me, you're not the only one Jason. In spite of what seem like positive developments recently in my life, deep down...I just don't care. I feel like I'm just biding my time until I can leave this place and be with her again. I'm presently in "bunker" mode too. I did something dumb, made some family members mad. To heck with it, I don't need that. I have a secure, isolated place at work that I spend all my time at. I just go home to sleep.

32
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: TIRED
« on: July 06, 2012, 06:14:03 PM »
I understand too Lisa, I get the same feeling all the time. Wishing you better days ahead...

33
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Dave, special date
« on: July 01, 2012, 09:31:46 AM »
Thank you Terry. Wow, 12 years...that time flashed by in an instant. I remember in the middle of it thinking every day could be our last, yet I really believed that she would break all endurance records and live to be...who knows how old? Even the last few days in the hospital I believed she would be coming home. I just couldn't deal with thinking otherwise. Now I have to think of it every day.

Even so, over the last month or two, I've noticed a slight change in myself. I don't know how to describe it exactly...I would say that I've started to become interested in things again. Little things. Not exactly looking forward to things, but just renewed interest. I still have periods of wrenching sadness, and being alone is no fun, and when I'm alone and don't have a project to work on, I only think of her. Maybe because there's a possible job change on the horizon. I don't know. Just the passage of time perhaps.

Lately I've been exchanging more emails with both of Judy's closest friends (they were bridesmaids at our wedding). This has been very helpful for me, they probably don't have any idea. They had both stopped writing for a while, probably because I was sad all the time. Can't blame them. I understand that it's different for me than it is for them. So now I sound more positive, not so sad, and the emails have started to pick up again. Even if it's sometimes just an act on my part, I'm just happy to be talking with them again. I have a feeling this is how I'll have to act for the rest of my life.

I still see Judy's sisters once in a while. It's great talking with them, every time I chat with them I discover something new about Judy I never knew before. They love to look at all the pictures and documents and notes I have that she kept (I've scanned every scrap of paper and every photo, so I have it all on my computer). My sister came over for a few days, and her and I and my son had fun together. Spent some time at the beach, where Judy spent much time as a teenager and young adult, and where we spent so much time together when we were dating. Sure brought back some good memories.

34
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: A Letter to Kit
« on: June 30, 2012, 08:14:52 PM »
Beautiful letter John, it must have taken a lot of courage to write it. I started one a year ago, all I got is " My dearest Judy...", that's as far as I could get.

35
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Hello, My name is Mark
« on: June 30, 2012, 08:03:57 PM »
Welcome Mark, glad you found this place, but sorry you have to be here.

36
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: God I miss her so much
« on: June 30, 2012, 07:57:09 PM »
Me too Arthur...me too. No real joy in anything, but I get up every day and go through the motions.

37
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: I failed you
« on: June 18, 2012, 08:19:46 PM »
Wishing you peace too, Lisa. I wish I could say something comforting. All I can do is commiserate.

38
Thanks, I made it through the day OK. I drove out to my sisters place to spend the weekend. I didn't want to stay at home alone (made that mistake on Judy's birthday last month). We kept busy so it wasn't too bad.

I don't know what's next now. Possibly a move to a new place, although I don't think it will be to the place I've been looking at recently (too far to drive). My friends and family all say that a move will be good for me. I think they're right. But now I have to start my search all over. That's OK, I have time. I don't feel in a hurry to do anything now. There's also a potential new job on the horizon too, which will mean not so much travel for me. So maybe some big changes, but I don't feel too excited about it. Just feel kind of numb about things still. I'll just take whatever happens.

39
Yes, it was good to have my son and Judy's sister with me, and I loved telling stories and remembering events to match the clothes. Her sister got some comfort just handling her clothes and remembering her wearing them.

But looking back, I should not have tried to do all that on her birthday. I think it was too much. When I went back to work Tuesday I was much better, though. I'm glad I got through it.

40
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Follow your heart
« on: May 28, 2012, 02:57:00 PM »
I think I'm right where you're at Jason. I'm sick of the whole thing. When are things going to be different? I don't think it will ever be better, but hoping some day I'll be able to handle it better.

Yesterday my son and I and one of Judy's sisters went though Judy's clothes and packed them up. I got annoyed with something and kind of snapped at my son. He said, "Gee Dad, how some you're so critical of me lately?". Kind of took me by surprise. I didn't really realize I had been. I know we're both still hurting, maybe that's why.

Later in the evening I was a wreck. Couldn't stop crying. My son came into my room and I told him I was having a real bad time. I haven't cried in front of him in quite a while. He sat down to offer whatever comfort he could. I also reminded him that I loved him and I was proud of his accomplishments (he graduated in May with a Masters degree in Creative Writing), and that I was so lucky that he had a lot of his mothers qualities. What more can I say?

41
Thank you for the thoughts everyone.

Not much of a birthday celebration this year. We were going to have a little celebration at my place, but Judy's best friend couldn't make it, and Judy's sisters are having to take care of their Mom, who is not doing well. So just one of Judy's sisters came over, and she helped me go though Judy's clothes and empty the closet and dresser drawers.

Wow, it was harder than I though it would be. I though I was ready, but maybe not. I spent most of the evening crying. It's now been almost a year and a half since Judy left, and sometimes the pain is just as intense as ever. I shouldn't be impatient with myself, but I feel like I should be over that kind of pain by now. I know everybody's different though. It's just going to take me a long time to come to terms with it. I'll never get over it, but I'm hoping someday soon I can at least learn to live with it. I'm tired of all this.

42
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: ((((All))))
« on: May 01, 2012, 03:38:36 PM »
Congratulations to you Pam, and to the lucky groom!

43
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: When does grieving really start?
« on: April 22, 2012, 09:05:08 PM »
Ray--

Second-guessing yourself about whether the right thing was done can make you crazy. I agonized over that for a long time. But finally I realized that I would have done anything to make her better, to make her comfortable, pain free, happy...and she knew that I would do that for her. I prayed about it a lot too, and so I believe that God led me to do his will. In my case, after several failed attempts to wean her off a ventilator, I had to instruct the doctors not to try again, and then had to hold her hand and stroke her face as she drew her last breaths. I cry every time i think about having to make that decision. But I now believe it was the right one.

I would agree that grieving can start even before the death of a spouse. A different kind of grief, though. My wife got sick very soon after we were married, and at that point we both had to face the prospect of possibly a short life for her. I realize now that I grieved a great deal about that over the years, even while we were trying to make the most out of our lives. I still really struggle with that today.

44
I'm really stuck.

Do I move and be unhappy in a new environment, or do I stay and be unhappy in a familiar environment? Because that's what I feel my choices are.

Ten plus years ago when Judy decided on the transplant, we sold our last house and moved back to her hometown, close to the transplant center and all her family and friends. We rented a place, which really was the better alternative, so we could just concentrate on her health. The third and last place we rented is where I'm at now. I never really liked the places, but we chose them for maximum convenience for her. Even so, this last place is the nicest, and it reminds me of her.

Now I have to contend with a very long work commute. The project I work on moved it's operations center 400 miles away. During not-so-busy times (like now), I work close to my home. When things pick up, I work close to the operations center, and live in hotels. In a few months, I will be working there full time, spending weekends at home. I could move down there (which would make my employer happy), but I don't like that area and don't want to live there permanently. Finding another job isn't an option for me, I've been doing this for too long.

I feel like a vagabond, and this mess has made me just want to do nothing. I can't even picture where I'll be in 6 months, let alone 6 years. I have not even considered what I'll do in my old age (which isn't that far off!). I'm hoping I won't live that long, to tell the truth.

45
Good questions. I'm looking for answers myself, as I'm contemplating a move.

I'm thinking maybe I need to move, to get a place that's my own. There is a lot of sadness where I am now. That's because it's a constant in-my-face reminder of the life we led together, a life I'll never have again.  I do know that when I travel for work, I seem to do better while I'm away. Not as sad, although I still think of her every day. Then when I get home, I'm reminded once again of all that I don't have anymore, and the sadness begins again. I'm having a hard time trying to break with the past, even though I know I won't be forgetting her...it's more like I imagine I'll pack her up and take her with me to my new place. And based on how I feel while I'm away for work, I think it might work out OK.

I did look at a place today...really nice little place, pretty secluded and quiet...normally I would have jumped at a chance to live there. But like I said, I'm still struggling with making that jump. Fortunately I have some time to decide. Only bad thing about it is it's really far from work. Doesn't matter I guess, in a few months I'll only be spending weekends there anyway.

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