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Parent Loss / I could not keep my promise

« on: March 29, 2019, 02:47:04 AM »

My mom was complaining about swallowing problems for months. She kept going to the doctor and he kept insisting its an ulcer and prescribed medicine which did not help. She knew something was not right and told him to take xrays of her chest. He found a huge mass and referred her to a specialist. They did a biopsy and it ended up being stage 4 lung cancer. The tumor was 14cm and pushing her esophagus to the side. That is why she could not swallow. The cancer also spread to one small spot on her kidney, one small one on the brain and on one lymph node. She tested positive for targeted therapy. The oncologist said they could never heal my mom but they could give her quality of life and more years. When my mom was first diagnosed I promised her that i was going to do everything in my power to make sure shes okay and get through this. She was all alone as my dad died in 2013. She was diagnosed in November 2018 and died 2nd March 2019. During these 3 months I drove her up and down to radiation. She got pneumonia and spend the last 2 months in hospital. I visited her everyday. Tried to make sure she eats enough to keep her strenth. I had problems with the medical aid so she only started her cancer treatment in February. She got weaker and weaker but then stronger at times. The oncologist kept telling me that with the targeted therapy she will be okay. She was still fine the one moment and then the last two days just went from bad to worse. She told us that she wanted to go home to my dad. I still thought she would be fine. But the last day I visited her I knew she wouldnt be. I cried the whole time while sitting with her. Rubbing lotion into her body. She was in so much pain. I got her the strongest medicine possible from the oncologist and told the hospital to just keep her drugged so she wouldnt be in so much pain. I told my brothers that she's not okay. They only visited her about 3 times in the whole 2 months in hospital. They promised to go see her and i told them there wouldnt be time. Thats one thing i blame myself for because my moms only wish was to see her children. I coudnt do that.. I also could not help her or "fix"her as I always promised her. To see her in so much pain is haunting me. I miss my mom. My life for the past 3 months was my mom every single day. Now thats gone and I really struggle to cope