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Parent Loss / New Loss and Unsure what I feel......is that normal?

« on: December 20, 2015, 06:46:23 PM »

My Mom died Friday night.  She had battled MS for 25 years, and five weeks ago my Father called in hospice with the blessing of her Dr. I don't know what I feel because she was way too young and she didn't want to die.  My Dad and her care giver called in hospice when she became confused after her latest bout with a chronic uti and rather than going with fluids and a feeding tube, they let her slowly starve to death over the course of five weeks. When the confusion passed she made it clear she didn't want to die, but by then the organ failure from the lack of nourishment was too pronounced for her to recover from.  I come from an undemonstrative family where outward displays of emotion is not acceptable, so crying is not easy for me.  Anger is not permissible either.  I'm sad, and frustrated, and angry, and disappointed.  My relationship with her was imperfect on several fronts, so I am battling regrets that she and I couldn't have understood one another better. I wanted a good relationship with her, but when we were together she was critical and spent her time finding fault with everything I did.  I'm 45 years old, and I still live daily with her voice in my head telling me the things I am doing  wrong.  My heart is breaking that she is gone....and yet I don't completely know why. The last year before her death she had completely written off my younger sister--had taken down all the pictures of her, didn't want any mention of her, nothing.  This past five weeks, the only person she wanted around her was my younger sister.  If I was in the room with her and my sister would show up, she would have me get up and leave so my sister could take my place.  My heart and mind are so conflicted and such a mess of emotions right now.  I go from numb to angry to sad to frustrated to confused to exhausted and back again.  I don't know if this is normal or if I'm crazy or if it's just part of my  crazy dysfunctional family.  It doesn't help that my sister is only happy when she is mad at someone(always me but usually at least one other person, right now it's me and my brother's adult daughter) and so she's being her typical ice queen self.  I hate funerals to begin with.....to feel like I'm going crazy isn't helping me any..........