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Messages - Stephen1983

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Child Loss / Anniversary
« on: December 08, 2013, 12:28:24 PM »
Today, December 8, 2013 marks the one year "anniversary" of the death of my son, Stephen.

This is not an anniversary that you celebrate.
It’s the kind of anniversary that you sit quietly and reflect.
Today I go through pictures, listening to Dave Matthews and remembering…

It cannot be possible that time has marked one year since I last heard your voice –
I clearly hear your “Hey mom” on the other end of the phone, sounding tired and not like you.
I never dreamed it would be the last time.

Today, I look at your smiling face in so many stages of life;
From baby pictures to adulthood, I have collected your life in front of me
I sip wine from the crystal glasses you bought me one Christmas, not so long ago.

To honor your life and love of Christmas
Another child’s day will be fuller and another mother’s heart lighter
Because of the gifts we give in your name

There comes an inner peace now
Although the tears remain ever ready to emerge
And my love and loss are always present.

Child Loss / Re: Signs from our Precious Children
« on: October 18, 2013, 07:19:28 PM »
I wish I'd get a sign.  I keep waiting.  Lot's of people have experienced these "feelings" or dreams but I haven't.  I do dream of my son, but he's always little in my dream, or in the background and he doesn't know he's dead.  I appreciate all the support here.

Child Loss / Re: Making others uncomfortable
« on: October 09, 2013, 07:03:57 PM »
thanks for all the supportive messages!!  This is really going to help me :love4:

Child Loss / Making others uncomfortable
« on: October 08, 2013, 06:00:16 PM »
Has anyone else experienced the feeling that you are making others uncomfortable by bringing up your child?  Every time I mention Stephen around friends or co-workers, they get very quiet.  No one ever brings him up - I'm sure they think it will upset me.  But as long as I'm the one bringing him, shouldn't that signal to them that it's okay to talk about him? It's really starting to bother me. I want to keep him "alive" in my memory and want others to know it's okay to talk about it with me.

Main / Re: Where is everyone from?
« on: October 07, 2013, 10:40:23 AM »
I live in Spencer, Iowa & it's cold enough this morning to wear a jacket - finally :)

Thank you Terry.  I hope to find comfort here as well!  I'm so sorry for you loss too and am I'm glad you have started to heal.  It's wonderful to have someplace to go on-line and be as miserable as we want or as hopeful as we want; depending on the day.  I think it makes my friends uncomfortable to talk about Steve with me so this will bring me an outlet that I need. 
Oh, and Stephen wasn't my only child, we have a daughter too, Megan who is twenty and in college. 

I'm not one to read instructions so I'm jumping in not knowing if I'm doing this right or not.  I got this web-site from a book written by Elizabeth Edwards called "Resilience" which my therapist recommended.  So if I get nothing else from her book, at least I made a connection with others who have lost a child.
And by "child", I mean a young man.  My son, Stephen was 29 years old when he died.  I've been instructed to say "die" not passed away, to make it more real.  He died 2 weeks before Christmas so we are still fairly new to the grieving process.  Stephen was my only son.  He and I had a special bond since I was a single parent to him for the 1st six years of his life before I married his step-father, Daren, who was the only father Stephen ever really knew.  Steve lived 6 hours away from us in Iowa City, Iowa.  He was a fun-loving guy who liked to drink.  I'm not going to sugar coat anything here because I feel I can be very honest since none of you know me.  He wasn't married; he lived with 2 roommates and held a good job.  But he liked to drink.  He was the life of any party.  He could make anyone laugh. 
When the 2 police officers came to our door that Saturday evening in December, I couldn't even fathom what they were telling me.  Did I have a son in Iowa City? This was the part of their job they "hated".  They had to inform me that Stephen had passed away - they didn't use the word "died". He died in his bed, alone and I'm assuming in pain as his liver was shutting down and he hemoraged (can't spell that).  I feel incredibly guilty over his death.  I should have known he was in trouble.  As his mother, I should have known.   

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