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Messages - MissSteph4ever

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Child Loss / Re: Wishing you all...
« on: December 25, 2013, 09:52:15 PM »
I spent last night (xmas eve) with my parents, brother, husband, son and grandson and while it was nice to get together, all i noticed was the empty chair in the room, i kept picturing my baby girl was sitting there. This is my first xmas without her and i miss her so much, i don't think anyone but the moms on here can coprehend the loss i feel! I am so glad its over, i can not stand to look at any more happy families! I can not stand to hear "have yourself a merry little christmas"one more time!

Child Loss / Going through the motions
« on: October 12, 2013, 07:19:42 PM »
It has been almost 6 months since i lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie and a part of me can not accept that fact. I see her pictures around the house and i think this can not be true, my baby girl can not be gone forever. I get up and i go to work monday thru Friday but i am just doing what i have to do, i am just going through the motions. I come from work to an empty house, i used to come home to my girl and my dog looking out the window for his mama, i would walk the dog and then we always had some girl talk before dad came from home from work. Today i come home the dog is in his crate, the house is quiet, i walk the dog, feed the dog and I pour myself a drink to dull the pain of my loneliness and wait for my husband to come home. He comes home and realizes that i am quiet with not much to say and asks.....whats wrong? Really do you have to ask? I wonder in my head but say ....nothing is wrong. I cook supper and clean up the dishes and continue going through through the motions. I go to bed and usually wake up in the early hours thinking about my daughter, missing my daughter, wondering how could this have happened to me? to her? I am just going going through the motions of life, i petend i am strong for my family, but i am weak. I break down when i am alone, i miss my girl so much and i feel like nobody understands, everyone has moved on it seems, but not me.

Child Loss / Re: My Beautiful Daughter - Emily
« on: October 12, 2013, 06:44:03 PM »
I am so sorry you lost your beautiful daughter Emily. Please know that you are not alone in the way you feel. I lost my beautiful daughter Stephanie in April, she was 25 years old and although she died of alcohol poisoning she had struggled with depression as well and it made us all feel so helpless. I feel like i lost a battle, and i f feel so empty without her and her girl drama, its a pain i have never imagined in my worst dreams. I too found this page recently and it helps to come here and see that we are not alone, we are not judged and we share simular feelings. Hugs to you

Child Loss / Re: Happy Birthday, Stephanie! ((Melissa))
« on: September 17, 2013, 05:43:20 AM »
I felt so positive yesterday that i had took a step forward, i was able to handle Stephanie's birthday without crying at all. It was good to see her best freind Jodi who came for a visit after she visited the cemetary to wish Steph a Happy Birthday and give her flowers in a Hello Kitty pot (Steph loved Hello Kitty) she calls me ma #2, she and Steph were close since elemetary school and she was actually the person i saw Steph drive off with on that Sunday afternoon in April, the last time i saw my beautiful daughter. Steph had lots of freinds who remembered her bithday yesterday, mostly on face book and one group even had a little mid night party with her at the cemetary (she must have loved that) and last night i thought i had made a little progress because i held it together all day, even when i visited her grave and brought her a beautiful angel. I was suppose to go back to work today as i have been off since my meltdown last wednesday morning, because all i could think was i need to bury her before her birthday and we did on Friday and i am glad because her freinds are visiting her now and i know if she can see down here, if she is watching somehow, she likes that. I woke up this morning and i felt like crying the minute i opened my eyes, and i just wanted to stay in bed forever, that empty feeling is back today, now that she is burried, now that her birthday has passed its suppose to back to normal today, back to work, back to life but i emailed my boss and told him i need one more day off. My boss has lost a newborn son and a sister to cancer so he says he understands, i hope he really does, i can't afford to lose my job but i can't hold it together today, i keep crying and i don't know why, i keep telling myself i need one more day and i will face reality tomorrow, i need to find strength to face my coworkers, i feel like they treat me different now, there is an avoidance that is clear to me and they probably see me as this poor grieving mother and keep their distance. I need to find the strength to face the fact that Stephanie is gone, just when i think i have made progress i start thinking about her and i just want her to come back home and tell me this has all been a bad dream. Sometimes i wish god would just take me home and i wouldn't have to deal with this pain, i know my family needs me here but i feel so weak a most of the time. I don't know why i am feeling so hopeless today, i quess knowing that i am never going to get over it, knowing i have to live with a broken heart, trying to let go when i feel like i can't is just to much to bear today.

Child Loss / Re: Happy Birthday, Stephanie! ((Melissa))
« on: September 16, 2013, 07:08:49 PM »
Thank you Terry for thinking of me and my birthday girl. My daughter was amazing and had such amazing freinds and they have given me so much support today.

Child Loss / Re: Missing Stephanie
« on: September 15, 2013, 08:43:49 PM »
Thank you all for the warm welcome. It is so nice to be in a place where people understand what i am going through. We burried Stephanie's ashes yesterday and it was raining but as my husband i left for the cemetary, the sun came out and as we burried our baby girl, it shined brightly and i knew we were doing the right thing, i felt like she was completely at peace now, after we left, the clouds and rained returned. I know my life will never be the same, how could it be, i have lost a part of me forever and i miss her so much. My baby girl should be 26 yrs old tommorrow but instead i will be placing flowers on her grave and wishing her a Happy Birthday in heaven. I just hope i can find the strength to go on for my Son and my grandson who just turned one this week and my husband too! Sometimes i feel so weak and i know i should be grateful for what i still have but some days i just want my daughter back and nothing else will do!

Child Loss / Face Book
« on: September 15, 2013, 08:06:22 PM »
I would like to know what anyone who has lost an older teen/ young adult child thinks about Face Book...... Have you deactivated their page following their death? Have you kept it activated as a place to visit for yourself, freinds and family?

Child Loss / Missing Stephanie
« on: September 11, 2013, 08:05:33 PM »
Missing my baby girl and all the ways she was unique. Stephanie was 25 years old and she died of alcohol poisoning on April 15, 2013 at a new older friends house. The police came to tell us at 3 am, it was a monday morning, i remeber getting mad when my husband told me the police were here and wanted to talk to us, i thought she was in jail and i remember saying this is a great way to start a f***ing monday! It didn't cross my mind she was dead, she had stopped doing drugs and was soon going to be evaluated for alcohol counseling, court orderd because of some trouble she had with the law. Everytime she had any contact with the police she was drunk, so her sentence was probation & an evaluation for counseling and i thought things were looking up. It confused me when the cop said i am sorry to tell you that Stephanie is dead, i went into shock and i still haven't found my way back to reality. We had a memorial service for her the following monday and it was standing room only, she was loved by so many people, i wish she had realized how much she was loved when she was alive, she never felt good enough, and she was stunningly beautiful, funny (usually in a innapropriate or smart ass way), smart, caring and she was a social butterfly. My husband i are burying her ashes tommorrow morning, just the two of us, her stone has been placed for months but i haven't been able to let go until now. Stephanies birthday is monday September 16th and i feel like i need to put her at rest completely before then, i need some closure and i want to be able to bring flowers to her grave on her birthday. I am glad i found this sight, i need to vent and i feel like nobody wants to here about it anymore, it makes people uncomfortable, including my husband (Stephs Dad) who holds it all inside. I am sorry to say i have only had two days since her death where i didn't have a few drinks to numb this pain that feel, i hate coming home to an empty house, i used to come home to her beautiful smile. Thanks for listening to me, it feels good to get it out. :angryfire:

Child Loss / Re: Birthdays & Angel Days
« on: September 11, 2013, 07:20:31 PM »
 :LA: Stephanies Birthday September 16, 1987 Stephanies Angel Day April15, 2013

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