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Messages - Terry

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Child Loss / Re: Things left unsaid
« on: October 10, 2008, 08:46:24 PM »
Beautiful poem, Annie and so true.


Child Loss / Re: Things left unsaid
« on: October 10, 2008, 08:40:07 PM »
"I don't think this pain in my heart will ever end. I often wonder how can I go on part of me died that day with her. I will never be the same person I once was. Does anyone else feel this pain and emptiness and how do you go on?"

Rita, I believe the pain in my heart and the emptiness that I feel is permanently affixed in my soul, along with the awesome love and cherished memories that help me to face each day, taking each day as it comes and dealing with all of the feelings one at a time, feeling the pain, the love, the good memories, the not so good memories. It's a package deal, this roller coaster of feelings.

I, like Dena, write to my Jeff, and have since he died. It has helped me through some very dark times. Jeff was my oldest and only surviving child. He was 29, well, just weeks short of his 29th birthday. In January it will be 6 years.

Your "Becca" is beautiful Rita and I'm so sorry you're having to live without her. And all I can offer you is understanding, for your feelings of pain, of emptiness, of uncertainty. I know them well.


Child Loss / Re: My little dog is dying
« on: October 10, 2008, 07:17:57 PM »
I'm so sorry Marie. This is such a sad time and very difficult. Our pets are our family, too, and the ones who are so closely tied to our children, well, it just makes their passing feel unbearable.

Sending you a BIG Cyber Hug ((((((((((((((((((((Marie))))))))))))))))))))))


Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 19, 2008, 01:21:07 PM »
Hia Friend and thanks. The 'note from Santa' was precious. I wasn't that creative, but then, she doesn't believe in Santa anylonger. ;) But we both still believe in the 'Magic of Christmas' and all that that entails.

My sister and me have resumed conversing but it's not comfortable, for either of us.

So many lives are so deeply affected when a loved one dies and it seems that the changes are constant.
I feel her deep love which means more than anything else to me.

Know you and Jason are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:58:36 PM »
Brenda, thank you for those hugs and your thoughts of me and Jeff.
We miss our tough guys, don't we? And always will.

Living without them is learned, I've found. Learning to live 'with' this pain, this longing, and not always, "Running Against the Wind".

One careful step at a time.

Thinking of you and your 'baby doll' Taylor.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:52:27 PM »
Thank you Dottie for thinking of us, I appreciate it. I have to say that ater 5 years of living without Jeff, that there 'is' more Light than Darkness. But, oh, when that Darkness creeps in, well, you understand what I'm talking about. It seems to take a hold and we have to work harder to break free.

And I know now that there are situations I do not have to place myself in, leaving myself open to even more pain. I do have some control and I will keep this in the forefront of my mind as yet another hard lesson has been learned.

Thinking of you and your precious Tammie.

Child Loss / Re: The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 19, 2008, 12:41:46 PM »
Thank You Dena for thinking of me and Jeff. And you are right, that it is too easy to get lost in this shuffle of 'everyday living' and I'm wiser to be reminding myself I can't/won't fall into this pattern of destructiveness again.
Above all, I 'do' feel loved!

I went back to work, with a vengeance, something I needed to do for me, and also those around me.

My Love to you and Josh.

Child Loss / The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 11, 2008, 11:26:15 PM »
5 years ago today, Jan.12th, when my only surviving child, my son of 29 years, that I held onto so tightly, was taken from me.
The first year I kept thinking, well, only 1 year has gone by, maybe he'll come back. But, he didn't. Then, another year went by and I thought, well, it's been so long now, it doesn't look like he's going to come back. But, he might, because I might wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare and then everything will be alright.
Today at 5 years it pains me to say the words, to write these words...he is NOT coming back. I never wanted to say it. It's just too final.

Last December I started my own business and have advanced to a place I didn't see coming. Everything happened so fast.
The HUGE mistake I made was NOT taking time for me, which I always did before. I always journaled and every day I spent one hour with my thoughts, being careful to take very good care of myself.
Well, 8 months or so into my business, everything came tumbling down around me and I was in a very dark place and was very frightened.

I had become so busy that I lost myself along the way and now I'm clawing my way back out of a bad place, both spiritually and physically. I'm looking for me again. I just sit and cry when I think about how careless I was regarding my own health, especially, emotionally.

I'm sick with pain and angry with myself but know I have to forgive myself. I've always been at peace with who I was and was content, amidst all the havoc, I still had my self assurance to fall back on.

I'll get there again, with alot of work, a lot of patience and I know another river of tears. But, tears have become my friend. As pain has. I take it everywhere I go and have accepted that it is a part of me, just as my children are, and that will never change.

Another year, time has never been a friend to me, but what it has done was opened my eyes to possibilities and the knowing that no matter what may happen, I am a survivor. And that feels good. So, I guess there is a bright spot in this picture I paint of myself.

I'm looking at Jeff's daughter, my precious Granddaughter, laying across my bed. She looks exactly like her Daddy.
God, I miss my baby and until I take my last breath I will always yearn to hold him, touch any part of him, just once more. I really need to feel his arms around me right now. To hear his voice. I know he's with me and one day we will all be together, and I don't question 'why' anylonger, I just want my family back. I have to wait awhile longer. I know that...I just get anxious sometimes. But now I'm going to lay down and try to sleep and try to dream and I'm not going to give up on me again because that's not who my babies mother was and they know that and I'll always be Momma, whether we're together or not.
I miss you so much, can you hear my heart cry?

Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:39:35 PM »
Dottie said it best!!!

Yes, she did. It's all we can do at times, the best we can do in any given situation.
Beautiful daughter. I'm so sorry for your loss, Brenda. :(


Child Loss / Re: Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:35:23 PM »
Terry, you can only do what you can do and no more. I have given up on defending myself.. people can not understand and I am glad they can't, because it would mean they have buried a child, other than just wish some people could understand our hearts will be sensitive and broken forever, not just a few days, months or years..  I'm so sorry for the loss of your children, it's  all so sad....

I think there's so much more to what is going on with her, because she was like a 'Mom' to Jeff, they were so close. I don't know. I just know she's been argumentative and hurtful but maybe I should try to look deeper. Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.
Your Taylor is a baby doll. I am so sorry Brenda.


Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:23:28 PM »
Terry - I would like to welcome you back to the board - so sorry for the loss of your children and all that you have been through - I'm glad you still came back and feel able to share here - I feel very fortunate that every one has allowed me to share here too - I lost my nephew Christopher to a hit and run drunk driver in Nov. 2003. He is my brother's only child and was just three weeks shy of his 17th birthday when he died. Coming here and sharing Chris and his life and my grief for his death has helped me immensely and for that I have everyone here to thank...

hugs, Karen
Chris' aunt

I'm so sorry that Chris is no longer with you/your brother. He is fortunate to have you in his life. To have each other to share with is wonderful. But how we wish we could instead, be sharing in their lives. :(

I feel comfortable coming here because everyone can relate to the pain of losing someone you love so deeply. This season has been particularly difficult for me. Today, Jan. 12th being 5 years since Jeff left and his birthday follows in February. Outside stressors are contributing.

Thank You Karen for your kind words and I wish you peace.

Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: January 11, 2008, 10:07:01 PM »

  So many have come and gone and I guess I don't remember what happened and sorry i did not keep in touch. I am a very private person and no one emails me and so I do not email anyone. I have only gotten a couple of emails from here in the Eight years i been here. I would love to talk with others but just never had the time. Please know i care and welcome back. Remembereing your son Jeff on his Anniversary date and will be thinking of you also. Hugs  LaVonne

Thanks LaVonne and so nice to hear from you. We shared quite a bit back then. I always appreciated your words of comfort and your support.
Your right about so many coming and going. I see very few that I'm familiar with, but nice to see quite a few that I'm very familiar with.
12:03, Jan.12 and it's now 5 years since my baby Jeff left this earth.
Thanks again for thinking of me.
So nice too to see your beautiful Jason.
Take Care my Friend.

Child Loss / Re: My Wish For All....
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:38:50 PM »
Wise words Dena and they ring so true!

Wishing you also a peaceful New Year with your family and all of those wonderful memories of Josh. Of all of our children.


Child Loss / Re: Our First Christmas on this journey ......
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:34:46 PM »
I had to stop over here before signing off and I'm glad I did, because I missed the gorgeous 'Pooch' in the middle last time I looked at the picture.
Irish Setter? Beautiful dog! And the little white princess, well, she/he already knows how precious this is!!!

Nite, Nite Bonnie and Happy New Year once again, to you and yours!


Child Loss / Re: Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:24:36 PM »
Hi Bonnie and Thanks! But it really doesn't matter who remembered what, or who read what; truly, it doesn't. It was on my mind and writing it down makes it concrete and what I needed to do, for me. It doesn't even matter if anyone responds.
That time in my life was probably the toughest I have gone through; so much pain. Being disappointed caused a great deal of pain but also, of learning.

I read your post, Bonnie regarding your first Christmas and it really touched my heart. What a beautiful way to honor Jason, sharing "Gingy", not only the story, the memory, but making a replica for everyone. Wow!! Awesome!
I could feel the positive energy excuding off your post and obviously, surrounding you!

The 'smiles' in that beautiful family picture says it all!

Hey, if you don't mind, I'd like to borrow some of that positive energy to get through tonight!!!

Wishing you and your family a peaceful night filled with the warmest of memories!

((((((Thanks again, Bonnie))))))


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