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Topics - Terry

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1336
Child Loss / The day the earth stood still.
« on: January 11, 2008, 11:26:15 PM »
5 years ago today, Jan.12th, when my only surviving child, my son of 29 years, that I held onto so tightly, was taken from me.
The first year I kept thinking, well, only 1 year has gone by, maybe he'll come back. But, he didn't. Then, another year went by and I thought, well, it's been so long now, it doesn't look like he's going to come back. But, he might, because I might wake up from this gut-wrenching nightmare and then everything will be alright.
Today at 5 years it pains me to say the words, to write these words...he is NOT coming back. I never wanted to say it. It's just too final.

Last December I started my own business and have advanced to a place I didn't see coming. Everything happened so fast.
The HUGE mistake I made was NOT taking time for me, which I always did before. I always journaled and every day I spent one hour with my thoughts, being careful to take very good care of myself.
Well, 8 months or so into my business, everything came tumbling down around me and I was in a very dark place and was very frightened.

I had become so busy that I lost myself along the way and now I'm clawing my way back out of a bad place, both spiritually and physically. I'm looking for me again. I just sit and cry when I think about how careless I was regarding my own health, especially, emotionally.

I'm sick with pain and angry with myself but know I have to forgive myself. I've always been at peace with who I was and was content, amidst all the havoc, I still had my self assurance to fall back on.

I'll get there again, with alot of work, a lot of patience and I know another river of tears. But, tears have become my friend. As pain has. I take it everywhere I go and have accepted that it is a part of me, just as my children are, and that will never change.

Another year, time has never been a friend to me, but what it has done was opened my eyes to possibilities and the knowing that no matter what may happen, I am a survivor. And that feels good. So, I guess there is a bright spot in this picture I paint of myself.

I'm looking at Jeff's daughter, my precious Granddaughter, laying across my bed. She looks exactly like her Daddy.
God, I miss my baby and until I take my last breath I will always yearn to hold him, touch any part of him, just once more. I really need to feel his arms around me right now. To hear his voice. I know he's with me and one day we will all be together, and I don't question 'why' anylonger, I just want my family back. I have to wait awhile longer. I know that...I just get anxious sometimes. But now I'm going to lay down and try to sleep and try to dream and I'm not going to give up on me again because that's not who my babies mother was and they know that and I'll always be Momma, whether we're together or not.
I miss you so much, can you hear my heart cry?

1337
Child Loss / Starting over. and over. and over again..
« on: December 31, 2007, 08:41:42 AM »
I was deep in thought last night and wanted to share part-Introduction, and some feelings regarding the past. I don't know why now I feel so strongly to do this, but I'll go with this feeling.

I remember coming/FINDING this board almost 5 years ago, when my only surviving son, my life, my everything, was murdered.
It was a very rocky road for such a long time because the first two years I was involved in a court case that I felt was going to knock me down and out, for the count.
My Faith sustained me and never once, did I feel anger toward God, as He didn't murder my son. Instead, all of the strength that held every fiber of my being, came from the Source.

Years ago, my two babies,  Sal was just a baby, died. My Michelle died when she was four. And I wasn't the 'type' and didn't like to hear that 'There was a reason for everything that happens' and I rejected that cliche along with everyother hurtful one.

Although I do believe that through all of the changes in our lives, we too change. We grow. We grow into ourselves and come to view a 'different' person with 'different' traits and as confusing as it all is, I went with it all and didn't change the path I was on.

To better understand where this is going and already part of it is evident; My only means of survival and source of strength, was my Faith. And still is.

So, when the time came where my greatest strength was questioned as not being honest with myself, instead of turning the computer off and practicing what I preached, TOLERANCE, I became enraged and hurt as if someone were attacking my children, which caused unimaginable pain and something I could not handle, on top of burying my children, because I wasn't about to bury my Faith.

This, to me, was a test to my Faith. And I failed. I failed to display tolerance and compassion and understanding for where others were coming from.

I didn't remind myself WHERE I was. I was surrounded with those just like me, hurting deeply, angry because our children were gone, and there was 'understandable' resentment of someone feeling Peace and contentment when those words were so foreign at a point in their lives and totally unexplainable in their minds.

I regret those that I hurt and through this experience have learned that we are all individuals with our own beliefs or not and it was so far from MY PLACE to show intolerance.

I wanted so badly for others to feel the same peace that through my words, I pushed people away from the one entity I was desperately trying to draw them too.

I am the same person, but, I am more tolerant, more understanding of others feelings, respecting that each of us need to find our own way in this life using the tools we possess, and those tools are different for everyone.

I practice my faith privately now, as I've come to know with certainty who I am and how I've survived and also, how I've lived.

That very uncertain time in my life, after the trial, when my rage had peaked and I was jumping out of my skin, the One I cherished over all others, (and still do) I defended with words of hurt and anger, which I know now was unneccessary, for He needs no defending.
I was not forgiven for that angry post and the friends I thought I had made on the Board just dissappeared. Well, my true friends, who knew me, did not, and I've continued contact with them over the years.

I guess one of the points I'm trying to make is that this is a 'horrid' journey with many ups and downs and discovering and rediscovering ourselves is a never ending process.
Living without our children is something we learn to do through this discovering, and along with this self-awareness we are constantly growing. We are constantly learning about one another.

I sure wish, and have always, that there could have been another way to reach this self-awareness, besides through the deaths of my children.

Concluding this shortly but want to answer to the many, many emails and phone calls I received when leaving the Board, I just want to say that taking in that Mom who was down and out, was poor judgement on my part. She had carte blanche to my computer and let's just say, caused a small war while she was here. Being totally unaware of the problems caused on the Board, until I was contacted by Staff and a Senior Member from the Board, and after reading her messages that appeared to be coming from me, well, I could say nothing, as everyone's mind was already made up and I was not going to defend myself against the hurtful accusations toward me.

I was thankful that at the time, there was someone on Staff that never believed the messages came from me and investigated this. It's always nice to know someone believes in you.
 I simply stated,"I had nothing to do with it." which didn't sit well with some members, but I was honest and there was another person involved, who, at this point, needed my help, regardless of the harm she had caused. I still needed to open my heart to her.

I want to thank everyone who read this far. It is appreciated. I needed to share this.

I've always found this Board to be a refuge from the Darkness, from the hurtful cliches, from the ONES and I find myself coming back again and again and it feels good to know someone is listening. And that someone understands this awful pain.

On a ligther note, I started my own business a little over a year ago. I have gone far beyond what I believed I could reach in this years time. It feels good to be giving back. I've met some wonderful people but still have to guard my heart, as words still, and probably always will cut deep; even when we know there is no malicious intent. Most people mean well. They just don't know what to say and spout out the most hurtful things. I've come to understand that there is NO understanding for them, since they haven't buried a child. I look at it from that perspective and even smile, thinking, how fortunate they are to not have to live with this pain!

In January, my son, Jeff's, death date is approaching quickly. Then, his Birthday in February. I have to say that this is the hardest year for me, and how naive of me to think this pain couldn't possibly, get any worse. I was wrong, again.

To all new on this journey, my heart, my love I send you. You are not alone, although sometimes it may feel that way.
Find your 'own' safety net and go there as often as you need to.
My wish for you, when the darkness feels overwhelming and your desperately searching for light; That you can close your eyes and free fall into the arms of Love. Love sustains us. It's through the Love that we get to see these 'glimmers' of light.

I wish you all Love!
Hugs
Terry

1338
Child Loss / Family problems I do not need this time of the year...
« on: December 22, 2007, 08:39:11 PM »
I just had words with my sister and told her I do not want her at my home. She wanted to know why I wasn't putting up a tree for my Granddaughter this year and laid the 'guilt trip' on me until I hung up on her.
This year is especially hard with DH gone and Dad hanging on by a thread. And it isn't like she hasn't been around through the deaths of my children, but my Jeff, my life, my only surviving child...his loss has taken my heart and just squeezed any life that was left in it.

My granddaughter and I are very close and she is very content spending quality time with me as we do every year, without the glitter, the material things...she is loved. My sister is all about the glitter and I'm starting to believe will never get it!!!!

My heart is broke but at the same time I feel I had to protect myself from her inability to grasp the situation I am in right now. Her inability to show compassion, understanding.

Needed to vent.
Terry

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