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Topics - CRCmom

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Child Loss / Thank you all - wrote a letter
« on: June 22, 2007, 06:47:19 AM »
Thank you all for all  your support and understanding in regard to Christian's graduation year.  I did write a letter to the school system to comment on the fact that not mentioning his name or putting in the program or something was hurtful and that in the future, they might want to consider doing something because graduating from high school is such a mile stone.  I hope that they respond and do something for those parents in the future so they don't have to feel what I felt. 

I am still stuggling, but this is our journey.  I feel so blessed to have all of you.

with much love and grace to each of you

Child Loss / Been too depressed to be on-line - I apologize
« on: June 18, 2007, 08:04:13 AM »
To all my friends,

It has been a difficult couple months for me.  I just haven't been myself and the loss of Chrisitan has hit me harder than I guess I was prepared for.   This would have been his graduation from high school year and everyone has been having parties, seeing kids his age all excited about graduating and what they will be doing.  My daughter (some know she is not my real daughter, but in heart) was asked to leave the house in November because of behavior.  She wouldn't talk to me for months until about Mother's day, she called and wanted to go out to lunch.  She seems to be trying to make amends. 

Amy (my daughter) asked me to come to graduation.  She and Christian were in the same class.  I couldn't say know, but stuffed all my feelings in.  I was so angry that they didn't even mention Christian's name.  Like he was never in that class or never existed.  If infuriates me to know end.  I work, go home, work go home, and so on.  Nothing seems to make me happy and it is a struggle every day to get out of bed. 

Anyway, I wanted to come on line and tell all of you that I have "our" children's calendar in my office and I am always looking at it and seeing all of the angel and birthdays,  It's amazing how close I feel to all the kids. 

So blessings to all of you and I hope I will be more able to be on line,

love you all. 

« on: May 12, 2007, 05:20:18 AM »
To my precious son Christian.  HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!!!!  Wish you were here or I was there to celebrate with you!!!!!  For those of you who had your children on their 18th birthday, can you tell me what youdid with them?  For those like me that didn't, can you talk about what you imagine? 

I love you all.

Child Loss / Sundays
« on: April 29, 2007, 12:09:31 PM »
By far the hardest day of the week for me.  Christian died on a Sunday.  It doesn't really matter what day it is, because his loss is always there, but Sundays just seem to bring a heaviness that seems extra hard for me.  Then knowing that I have to go back to work.  SIGH!!!!  Wishing for all of us that our days were filled with our angels back in our lives, but not to be.  Trying to rebuild without Christian is so very very diffficult and something I know all of you can understand.

Child Loss / I can't stop crying
« on: April 16, 2007, 02:22:45 PM »
It used to be when a tradegy would happen I would feel sad, but always somewhat removed.  Now when I hear of a parent losing a child I fall apart.  This Virginia tech shooting has me so so upset.  I can't stop thinking about all those parents and what they are going to have to endure.  And of course it makes me miss my Christian so much more if that is even possible.

I know you will all pray with me for these students, siblings, parents, teachers, and so on.

Love you all

Child Loss / Speech and worskshop went well
« on: March 30, 2007, 08:32:34 PM »
To all of you!!!!!

My speech and workshop on grief and loss went very well.  I felt the presence of all our children and all of you.  I was at complete peace when I spoke in front of 200 people about grief and loss.  I believe that I caused many people to think about the world that we live in and how it is different and will never be the same. 

I used some of the quotes from what you had written to me and these touched so many people.  Interesting that it just verified how much people don't want to deal with grief and loss.  Many people kind of avoided me after and then some hugged me and thanked me.  I had a friend come up to me and say "I haven't talked to you about Christian over the past two years because I can't.  I can't even think about one of my daughters dying".  I said I understood and then felt alone and a bit angry, but then realized she at least said something to me.
No doubt all our kids were there because I couldn't have done this on my own.  I was the clay, He was the potter and all our children and all of you helped to hold me as I was shaped.

Thank you all for being sucah a support to me. 

If I touched one persons heart that day to do something different, than it was worth it.

Of course now I am struggling, but I know God will bring me through.

Love and hugs

Child Loss / Thanks for the insight on the seminar - to Tom and others
« on: March 18, 2007, 02:47:11 PM »
What I would like to get the audience to here is How can we meet the needs of those who are grieving

What is good to say, what is not good to say.

How important is grief work to the recovery process from chemical dependency.

Reasons why other people avoid talking about grief and loss

I have a couple other topics but they are at work.  I will post them tomorrow.

Child Loss / Question and insight needed
« on: March 17, 2007, 05:21:11 PM »
i volunteered myself to do a workshop and panel discussion on grief and loss back in September.  The training is coming up on Friday and I am freaking out because I don't know what to say or how to say it.  It's not just on loss of a child, but on other losses as well.  The two day conference is on Woman and Children and addiction.    I am doing it with two other women.  One of them talked about letting go of the loss and I just really have a problem with that.  Do we let go of the loss, or just learn to cope with it the best way we can?  Any help would be greatly appreciated.  If you have writings or material that I can hand out, that would be helpful too.  Also let me know if I can use what you may say. 

Thanks to you all = my dear friends
Please be praying for me on Friday March 23

Child Loss / This two year mark just sucks
« on: February 11, 2007, 10:05:55 AM »
Have been having a horrible time these past two weeks.  Just melted down a couple of times crying and gasping that my baby is gone.  I hate this new life.  I miss  my son so much and just dont know most of the time how to do this.  I go to work and do it well, but then I come home and feel lost.   

I agreed to be on a panel and do a workshop on grief and loss for a conference here in PA.  Now I'm scared to death, have no idea what I am going to do and feel like I must be crazy.  The conference isn't until the end of March, but I am scared My day is March 23. 

It just doesn't ever seem to get better.  My nephew is missing Christian like crazy.  He was in a car accident.  He is ok, but his car is totaled.  Of course, that sent my dear sister into a tailspin thinking of what could have happened and of course losing Christian just floods back in all over. 
  Anyway, does the third year get any better?

Love you all.

Child Loss / Cherri??
« on: February 03, 2007, 09:27:33 PM »

I've missed you.  Where have u been? 

Just letting you inow you've been loved and missed,

Love to you

Child Loss / So very very sad
« on: January 26, 2007, 08:17:17 PM »
 Just feeling so very very sad that Christian is not here.  Can't believe it will be two years.  Taken so quickly.  The last look is forever branded in my mind.  He looked so scared.  I just keep replaying the tape and it haunts me.  I miss my son so much.  Life will just never be the same.  I don't want to always be sad, but it is so very hard not to.  It's that shaking my head syndrome.  Can't believe he's gone.    I just want him back.  When will the memories make me smile? 
I love you so much my precious son.  I adore you and miss you with every breath I take.

« on: December 22, 2006, 08:53:06 PM »
  Feeling very overwhelmed.  My family is coming tomorrow and I am trying to keep it all together.  My oldest son graduated from college last weekend.  I am so proud of him.  He does not live at home.  My son Sean is almost 21 and a Junior in college.  He is leaving the day after Christmas to go to study abroad.  He will be studying in Rome and then doing a field school in Greece.  He will be gone until July.  I wasn't suppose to have an empty nest.  Two years ago I was a mother of 5 and married.  Today I am a mother of three - one in heaven and two out of the house.  I live with a friend that I am so very very grateful for.   Still I am scared.  What will I do with such an empty home.  No kids to talk to.  I've been a mom almost all my adult life.  They don't really need me anymore.  I'm feeling scared, overwhelmed, insecure, sad, depressed and already lonely. 

I know that I will get through this, but today is just one of those days that I feel like I am on overdrive and I am going to crash and burn. 

I miss Christian so so much.   He should be looking forward to graduating from high school and going to college.  Going to prom and having a girlfriend.  I walked by the Tuxedo store in the mall today where my other two boys got their tuxes for prom and I was so sad knowing that I wouldn't take Christian to get his first tux.  I guess I'm pissed!!!! 

Enough of my whining.  I needed to vent.  Thanks for listening. 

My oldest son David.

Middle son Sean

And of course Christian

Child Loss / Christian's 18th Birthday
« on: December 22, 2006, 03:29:42 PM »
Christian Rand Cornwall born on May 12, 1989 10 weeks early.   3 lbs 14 oz.  He spent 6 weeks in the NIC Unit.  Beautiful Beautiful boy.
Here he is one year old.

Child Loss / Christian's Angel Date
« on: December 22, 2006, 03:26:27 PM »
Christian's Angel Date - original February 27, 2005

Child Loss / Isolating
« on: December 21, 2006, 06:55:57 PM »
I seem to be isolating from my family.  My mom is here for the holidays and I've been up in my room for the past hour just looking at the board and isolating.  I don't want to go downstairs and "play the role".  My sister and her family are coming Saturday and I am afraid that this wanting to isolate is going to get worse.  Any suggestions????

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