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Messages - helene

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31
Sibling Loss / Marriage on the Rocks
« on: September 04, 2013, 12:39:06 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I haven't been here for awhile because I've been through and am going through terrible stress and anguish. My marriage is falling apart. I am 8 months into recovery from alcoholism and things are going great there with me having a sponsor, lots of new friends, support, a good therapist etc. BUT my husband is now addicted to the internet - sex. In a desperate bid to have some time out from our marriage I suggested to him that he use some of our savings and take a trip to Europe. I know he's going to go. I don't feel that our marriage is going to make it. This is bringing on a different kind of grief for me which will go on for a long time no doubt. On the other hand...I do need to finally establish myself as an independent person and stop pouring all of myself into the bottomless pit that is, unfortunately, my husband. And he, in turn, needs to 'find himself' somehow.

Thanks for listening and I'll try to get back here more often because I miss you folks!

Your friend,

Helene.

32
Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Angel Date (((Helene)))
« on: August 14, 2013, 06:54:28 AM »
Thank you Gail and every one for your caring and remembering Lesley's Angel Date. I really appreciate that. I am still here and I apologize for not being around as much as I used to. Life goes on after we lose a loved one and much of that time I find that life is a struggle! I miss Lesley being around to talk to and to share what's happening in our lives. If Lesley was alive now I'd tell her about the fact that my husband Barry is clinically depressed. He's always suffered from bouts of depression as it runs in his family, but never one this bad. It's so bad that I've had to seek out books on how to deal with a depressed spouse. Barry has most of the symptoms: lethargic, irritable, argues a lot, sleeps too much, has lost a significant amount of weight, no interest in anything, addicted to the internet, no sex, no interest in me, etc. Reading several books about other spouses who are living with clinically depressed spouses, I realize I'm not alone. 75% of marriages end up in divorce due to one of the spouses suffering from severe chronic depression.

I would think that clinical depression would be an issue for many people here at webhealing, either for themselves or for someone close in their lives as grief and depression are closely linked. It is difficult enough to recover from one's own grief and other problems let alone trying to live with someone who is clinically depressed. He won't see a doctor about this. I am going to print off some info on this topic and leave it for Barry to read, if he'll read it. And also, my alcoholism was part of why he's depressed now. It's been seven months sober for me now, and I realize that I put my husband through hell even though I didn't mean to. Now it's my turn.

Thank you for reading this and for putting up with my posts. You folks continue to be a real life-line for me!

Helene.

PS I'm riding my 10-speed a lot these days and every time I put on my helmet I think of Lesley who wore a helmet all the time, not because she rode a bike, but because she wanted to protect her head when she fell from her seizures.

33
Hi Pam,

Please know that I too am thinking of you on this, your dear brother Tony's heavenly Birthday! I hope you are doing ok and are filled with precious memories. I know how hard these anniversaries are!!

((((((Pam)))))))

Helene.

34
Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Angel Date (((Helene)))
« on: July 16, 2013, 07:12:03 AM »
I can't believe that it's been three years now since Lesley died. Three bloody years! As my close friend continues to battle with serious heart problems in the hospital, I am constantly reminded of how short life is and of our time together as family and friends on this planet. Things seem to be going ok for awhile and you can think that's going to last forever but of course it doesn't. Many of us are completely unprepared when death takes a loved one away from us. I know I was when Lesley suddenly died of a seizure that hot July night three years ago. Oh, I knew she was ill all her life and she was getting worse. But did I expect her to die? No! Lesley was always a survivor! She was tough!

I was looking through her meagre box of belongings last night. She left little behind in the way of 'stuff', but what she did leave is precious. Her writings mainly and some art. I wonder that a lifetime of 55 years can end up in one box. I'm glad that I gathered all the poems she wrote together into one volume of her poetry and gave it to various family members. One struggles to have a person remembered and still people forget. It hurts me that my Dad is forgotten and now Lesley to by 99% of the people who once knew them. Time marches on and we are forgotten. In Buddhist terms being concerned about being remembered is a form of attachment that we need to move past - to realize that all life comes, is here for awhile, then goes away. But I'm afraid that I'm still very attached to Lesley and that will never change as long as I live.

These are just some of the things I'm thinking about these days. The worst part of all of this is the terrible ache of missing Lesley being in my life. It is like a sore that never really heals. There's no other Lesley on this planet. When you consider the gigantic population on earth it's amazing to consider that no two people are exactly alike. No two souls. We know that so much more profoundly when we lose a loved one, don't we!

Thanks for putting up with my babble and thank you for thinking of me on Lesley's Angel Date this Sunday past.

Helene.

35
Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Angel Date (((Helene)))
« on: July 15, 2013, 01:30:13 PM »
Thank you both of you. I can't write about how I feel right now but I appreciate you thinking of me. I haven't forgotten you either!

Helene.

36
Sibling Loss / Re: Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jolene! ((Gail))
« on: July 09, 2013, 11:01:02 AM »
Gail,

I'm thinking of you and Jolene today. Like Terry and other's, I am here for you friend, and I'm listening whenever you want to share.

Love,

Helene.

37
Sibling Loss / Re: July 9: Jolene's brthday
« on: July 09, 2013, 10:59:09 AM »
Hi Gail,

I'm sure thinking of you today on your dear Jolene's Birthday. I know this is a very painful time for you as you loved Jolene so much! I can really relate although no two people go through the same experiences in grief. We are all unique and those we lost were too. There will never be another Jolene as there will never be another Lesley for me! Hang on to your precious memories of Jolene Gail! Sometimes that's the only thing that we have to hang onto. That, and our friends here at Webhealing!

(((((((Gail))))))))))

Love,

Helene.

38
Sibling Loss / Re: Steven's Angel Date ((Doug))
« on: July 09, 2013, 10:56:26 AM »
Hi Doug,

I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you too today as you remember your dear brother Stephen. This is a difficult time for me as well as my sister Lesley died on July 14. Anyhow, please remember that I'm here for you here at Webhealing, as you have been here for me so many times! I haven't been posting as much but I am *listening*.

((((((Doug)))))))))

Love,

Helene.


39
Sibling Loss / Trying to Cope
« on: June 28, 2013, 07:42:56 AM »
Hi Everyone. I haven't been here much and I regret that as all you folks here at Webhealing are part of a family that I have no-where else and you have helped pull me through many difficult times. Now I'm facing yet another crisis in my life!

I don't know if there is a place for posting about our dear friends who have died or ones who are critically ill. My dear friend Terry (Terence) had a cardiac arrest on Tuesday and crashed his car. He was clinically dead by the time they got him to intensive care but they managed to get his heart going again. Then they lowered his body temperature to 'rest' his heart but they didn't know if they'd be able to revive him or if he'd have permanent brain damage and be in a vegetative state. Terry has no next of kin so my husband and are 'it' for Terry. I have been full of despair as nurses warned me that he may not make it through this.

At this point he has woken up and seems to understand what happened to him, but he is very agitated to the point of the nurses having to restrain him and put him on sedatives. Plus his heart is in a very bad state and he will have to have a major operation. He may not make it.

I feel ragged as one minute I feel despair that we'll lose him, then I am given a ray of hope when he comes to, and then despair again when the nurses say he's still very critical and will remain that way for some time and that he may not make it through an operation etc.

So this is a very difficult time for me. Where can we post here about our dear friends who are dying, or have died or are in critical condition and may die? Terence is a wonderful man who is a real philanthropist and had given much in his community to charities for people and animals. He is feisty and kind and there is no other person like him in my life. I've been friends with him for 20 years and cannot imagine him not being in my life!!

Helene.

40
Sibling Loss / Re: Introduction- Grieving the loss of my brother
« on: June 28, 2013, 07:24:49 AM »
Hi Searaccoon,

I've been reading your posts and I too am very sorry to hear about the loss of your dear brother David. I lost my sister Lesley nearly three years ago when she died suddenly from a seizure. Your brother sounds like he was truly a wonderful, loving person, to you and his wife and daughter. Please share more with us about him when you feel you can. There are a lot of people here at Webhealing who care and will *listen* to what you share and post back to you too. I agree with Terry and others for you not to worry about sending long posts. This is one place where you can pour out your heart and people are kind, wise and understanding. I have needed to share things here that I haven't been able to share anywhere else, about my own feelings, memories of my sister Lesley and other things too.
 
When it comes to signs from our loved ones who have died, from what I've heard from other people here, and from my own experiences, these signs come in every form imaginable and unexpectedly too! Some times the sign can pass right before us and we don't realize it right away! Shortly after Lesley died, I could smell her! Lesley was a very *earthy* person, who's room always smelled of plants, moss, animals (she had a cat), incense, various spices and the like. She had her own particular smell and suddenly, around a week after she died, I could smell her! At my desk at work (and other's seemed not to smell anything at all!), walking down the street, at home etc. Lesley's scent would come and go. I hung on to every time I could smell her until one day, it was gone and I miss her smell to this day!

Please know that I am one of many here at Webhealing who is thinking about you and is here for you.

With caring,

Helene.

41
Sibling Loss / Re: So much pain
« on: June 28, 2013, 06:52:49 AM »
Hi Gail,

Please see my other post to you today. I am thinking about you and my heart goes out to you in your pain. Anniversaries are so hard and you've got your Uncle (his birthday today) and your dear sister Jolene's coming up on July 9th. No wonder you're going through such a difficult time!! Grief is hard and healing takes a long, long time I am finding. And, some grief wounds never really heal. We just somehow try to live with all that loss and hang on to our precious memories of those we've lost.

Thinking of you,

((((((((((Gail)))))))))))))))

Helene.

42
Sibling Loss / Re: Having a very hard time
« on: June 28, 2013, 06:47:52 AM »
Hi Gail,

I am really sorry to hear that you are in so much pain! You are certainly in my prayers and I will be thinking about you and Jolene on her birthday, July 9th. I also think of your Uncle on this, his birthday. He must have been such a wonderful man for you to miss him so much. I am sure he treasured all the times he had with you in his life. Sounds like he had a great sense of humor too! Do you have some of his e-mails saved? July is a really difficult time for me as well as Lesley died on July 10th three years ago.

You ask: "Will the pain ever cease?" I really don't know! Anniversaries will always be difficult, I think. Grief flares up like a wound that never heals and keeps bleeding. I don't think we ever 'get over it'. I know that. We just somehow live with that grief and some times that is almost impossible to do as it is for you right now. Please know that I am thinking and praying for you that you get through this extremely difficult time. Do you have family or friends you can get together with and share some of how you're feeling with? That can sometimes help, even a little bit. Keep sharing here too and people here at Webhealing will be reading and will be in touch with you, I know because we care!

Love and hugs,

((((((((Gail))))))))))

Helene.

43
Parent Loss / Re: Different Kind of Grief...Mother I Never Had
« on: June 18, 2013, 11:05:04 AM »
Hi Sara Ann,

I read your searing and honest post and letter to me and am deeply moved by what you wrote. You have been through a terrible lot in life and life continues to be a struggle for you yet I can feel your resilience and life radiating through what you share!

As per usual I'm on the fly (am at work) and I won't be here tomorrow. But I want you to know that I'm around and will keep in touch. Just quickly...that is really super that you are discovering the artist in yourself and also that people are drawn to your art. I understand about feeling somewhat shy about people buying your art. It took me ages before I participated in an art show. My art has always been a very private and spiritual part of me, as I sense it is also that way with you. I certainly wish you all the best wish your art classes and like Terry, I hope you will share more of your artistic adventure with us.

Memory loss and huge gaps. Boy, can I relate to that! I too have big memory problems. It's all tied in with the childhood abuse as  you know, and both of us were severely abused growing up. Our mothers were at the center of the sickness in our families. Your mother certainly singled you out as her scapegoat and went out of her way to torture you. Being locked in your room with no food is blatant child abuse with intent! As was the favoring of your brother and sister over you. Your mother has a sadistic nature to her, whether that was part of sociopathy or narcissism who can know for sure, but it was there. I was my mother's 'cinderella', always catering to her moods, becoming her 'doctor' , 'confidant', 'nurse', and a mother to her, not to mention the meals and housework. Also with my mother was the fact that nothing I could do would please her or satisfy her. Everything I tried to do she could always do better. She was more attractive. Dressed better (buying crappy used clothes for me). Was brilliant musically. Was a better artist. On and on that went.

I think your mother was threatened by your natural talents, the way you were so gifted sewing your own clothes at only age nine! The way you excelled academically. She gave your sister art lessons but not you probably because she sensed that your sister was not a threat to her because your sister did not have your talent! My mother was like that: favoring my younger sister because Julie looked more like June and her talents lay in the business world of which my mother had no interest. Mothers like yours and mine are threatened by talented and gifted daughters. I think your mother chose to punish you because of your talents and, I sense, because you are probably physically attractive as well. Think of the jealous stepmother and stepsisters in Cinderella. None of them were as pretty and talented as Cinderella and the stepmother was going to make darn sure that her beautiful youngest stepdaughter was not going to have any chances in life to succeed or be happy.  (Also, it's interesting to note that evil or bad mothers in children's stories were turned into 'stepmothers' because it was not 'acceptable' in society to have such evil mothers in stories.)  It's no wonder that you felt like you were adopted the way your mother treated you!

There is an excellent book about differing kinds of 'borderline personality disorder' mothers. I forget the title and author, but will get back to you on that. Whether or not your mother has that, the book is very helpful in understanding mothers who abuse their daughters in various ways.

All through the abuse you suffered, you were a real survivor and continue to be. Your mother had a gem when she had you and she knew it. Most mothers would be so happy and feel so blessed to have a child like you, but, unfortunately, your mother was mentally ill and saw you as a threat to her precarious position in life. You couldn't have done anything about her as you know, and lord knows, you tried to please her time and time again, like I did for my mother. And it never worked because their hearts were closed to us.

Ida Mae sounds like she was a lovely person in your life! Thank God for those who love us! Those people can make all the difference in our lives and give us hope to continue on. And yes, I believe that your vision of where you mother is now, outside the pearly gates answering questions, makes sense to me. Her soul has a lot of learning to do! As does my mother.

More soon. I hope I am not blathering too much here. Please keep sharing Sara Ann. I am here as is Terry and other really good people here at Webhealing who truly love and care for each other.

Wishing you peace and harmony,

Helene.

44
Parent Loss / Re: Different Kind of Grief...Mother I Never Had
« on: June 17, 2013, 11:54:41 AM »
Hi Sara Ann,

It is good to share here at Webhealing and I'm glad you feel you can share here too. I don't have much time right now, but I wanted to let you know that I will keep in touch. I haven't been here as much as I used to and I regret that. Grief doesn't end I find (I lost Lesley in 2010) but it keeps morphing into new feelings and experiences as time goes on. I too am grieving for a mother I never had and never will have in this particular life of mine (I'm into reincarnation). One thing that is helping me are having two women therapists who I took some time in choosing and checking out. (I did that by asking them lots of questions. I never did that with previous psychotherapists and other kinds of therapists and that was a mistake on my part. Now I ask them: "What led you into the field of psychotherapy? What is your speciality? What do you know about narcissists, sociopaths, dissociative identity disorder? What do you know about abusive mothers? Have you ever been abused? If so, when and what kind of abuse? etc You can usually get a pretty good handle on a therapist after firing a few questions like that at them and, if they're the real thing, they won't have any problems or defensiveness with those kinds of questions. So, I now have two women who are positive, powerful and kind to me. One is also into the esoteric arts of which makes the two of us click even more. I'll write more of other things that have helped me very soon.

For now, I am so sorry that your mother kept you from staying with your true love and living in Paris!! I think it is very wise of you to look back only to identify what you need to grieve in the hope of moving past it one day. I believe that we can move past our grief and there was one time when I never thought that possible in my life. I get a sense of you from what you wrote Sara Ann and you have a real gift for expressing your feelings in writing. Is that one of the things you love to do in your life? I find that finding ways to enhance our innate gifts can help us work through our grief, (grief in all its complexities). I am a writer (poetry, prose)  a violinist and a painter.  My full time work is in archives but my true love is in the arts, as well as being outdoors in nature.

I'll stop babbling for now. I'll write down some of the titles of books that have really helped me when it comes to figuring out my mother and the legacy of her terrible impact on my life.  One of those books I can tell you right off the top of my head: 'The Sociopath Next Door", by Dr. Martha Stout. (How 'bout 'The Sociopath in Your Home'? Maybe I should write that one, eh?)


I believe in prayer Sara Ann and I am holding you in mine.
Helene.

45
Parent Loss / Re: Different Kind of Grief...Mother I Never Had
« on: June 17, 2013, 08:15:44 AM »
Hi Sara Ann,

I'm going to try to finish what I started in my previous post to you. My mother took and took from me and I gave and gave until one day, my barrel was empty. I had no more to give her. I guess something in me realized that this woman who called herself my 'mother' would keep taking from me and giving nothing back until I was sucked bone-dry. It is easy for women like that (and they are out there!), to hide or disguise themselves behind this Norman Rockwell image of 'motherhood' - of the kind and loving and nurturing mother. My 'mother', I'll call her June, got away with everything including murder. She as much as murdered my older sister Lesley, who died back in 2010: psychologically, emotionally and physically.

June used me and abused. Mocked me and lied to me. Told me she was going to visit her 'real' family when visiting my younger sister's family. She did worse things than that to me like sabotage to my music career, and trying to ruin my marriage and other things, but I won't go into all the grisly details. Like yourself, I held out with hope that one day June would show some real love for me, especially because I was the one of her four children who was always there for her, and I mean really THERE for her like you were for your mother. When I became estranged from June I quickly found out that she could care less and got on with her life just as well without me. This, from the woman who threatened to kill herself when I first left home. She never killed herself and nor did she ever intend to. Her 'threat' was just one more lie in an endless string of them.

What kind of woman was my 'mother' then? And what kind of woman was yours? Well, I know that my mother is a sociopath. These people have no conscience and are masters of deceit, manipulation and using people for their own ends. It does not matter one iota who that person is: husband, lover, colleague, friend, and yes, daughter. They are incapable of love, remorse, and are completely unable to empathize with anyone. Most people think that sociopaths are killers, etc, but there are many sociopaths who are out there living day-to-day lives amongst people who have no idea what hit them when encountering these people. Being 'raised' by a sociopath is a devastating experience and many of us survivors barely make it and feel extremely isolated because others who haven't been through this simply don't and won't understand what we've been through.

This is especially difficult for daughters (and sons) with sociopathic mothers because society absolutely refuses to acknowledge that such women exist. And they certainly don't exist when it comes to being a 'mother'.  You wrote: "I had a Mom who was completely  self absorbed and hateful. Whatever problem I had, hers was ten times worse. She lied to me repeatedly and by lying, manipulated me into doing things for her that I wouldn't have ordinarily done. She told me before she died that she had lied to me whenever she felt it was in her best interest to do so. She didn't  seem to have any conscience at all about it. "

That statement your mother made to you on her deathbed was most likely the most 'honest' statement your mother ever made to you in her life: "I lied to you whenever I felt it was in my best interest to do so." That is exactly what sociopaths do. On her deathbed, I think, in her own way, your mother finally decided to tell you who she was."

I won't go on any more for now and I hope I haven't upset you with this! I also have thoughts on some books that I think would be helpful for you and tips on how to find a therapist who is dependable (as I've been in therapy for many years) if you would like me to share that with you. I can communicate from a perspective of being 50 years on this planet so I've had some experience and have read a lot about various mental and psychological disorders including borderline personality disorder, bipoloar disorder, to narcissistic personality disorder to sociopaths. (There is also a possibility that your mother had narcissistic personality disorder - which is a person who feels emotions like loneliness (the sociopath only 'feels' 3 things: a gloating kind of glee at winning, boredom and rage) but the narcissist, like the sociopath, is completely incapable of feeling and love or empathy for anyone else. In essence, from what I've read, a narcissist is only a slight peg 'up' from the sociopath.

I can really relate to what you wrote and again, I hope I haven't upset you here.

With caring,

Helene.

PS Sorry for typos.

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