Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - helene

Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 41
Sibling Loss / Re: One who was like my sister
« on: November 01, 2013, 07:10:01 AM »
Thank you Peggy and Gail,

Connie's death keeps hitting me in waves and it brings back all the grief of Lesley (which hadn't gone away anyway) so it's doubly hard. I realize that as I get older (I'm 50) now, those older than I will die and are dying. I've lost a lot of people in my life in the last 5 years. Two very dear relatives on my Dad's side in Florida. My brother-in-law Chuck. My Uncle Basil on my mother's side. My dear sister Lesley. Two priests where I work whom I really liked and cared about. A dear long-time friends of my family. And now Connie. This is all really, really hard on top of my impending separation and divorce from my husband.

Anyway, I appreciate your caring thoughts and condolences. I'll try to visit here more often. I've been so upset I haven't even been able to do any poetry or artwork or music (I'm a violinist).


Sibling Loss / Re: 5 years ago and really hurting right now
« on: November 01, 2013, 07:03:20 AM »
Hi Gail,

I just want to let you know I'm thinking about you too and hoping that you're dong all right. I know this is a very difficult time of the year for you. One thing that is really helping me these days are my friends. I have more than I used to because I'm in AA, and I don't know what I'd do without them. I hope you are surrounded by love and support these days. You've got it from me and I'm sorry that I haven't been around here as much as I used to. But I do care and I wanted you to know that.



Sibling Loss / One who was like my sister
« on: October 31, 2013, 06:49:12 AM »
Hi Everyone,

In the midst of feeling already shattered with all this impending separation and divorce stuff, I received news that my cousin-in-law, Connie from Newfoundland, Canada, died suddenly of a brain aneurysm on Tuesday of this week. She was my husband's cousin, but welcomed me into her family with open arms. We had many visits and many phone conversation over the past ten or so years. Connie was like a sister to me so that's why I think it's ok to post this here in the sibling section (where I usually post anyway). She was in her 70s but always seemed much younger because she was so full of life and fun. She was an earthy person who had a heart of gold. I last talked with her on Friday of last week, only days before she died. She sounded fine. Connie was very unhappy about what her cousin Barry (my husband) has done and the last words she said to me were : "He is not welcome here any more. Not until he shows some kind of remorse. But you, my dear, are FAMILY, and are welcome any time. You know that don't you." I told her I did. I'll never forget her welcoming me and loving me the way she did. I will not tell my husband what Connie said about him. There is no point now.

I found out about Connie's death right in the middle of my work day and was working on the main floor at reception. I was crying and crying and so I had to go down to the basement where the archives is (the other place I work here) so I could get away from everyone. I've been feeling very fragile - shaky - ever since. Am staying at my neighbor's place, Penny, because being around my husband is killing me. I remember the days when I would panic with loneliness whenever he went to Newfoundland to visit his relatives. Now I panic with loneliness when I'm around him and dream of the day when I can set up my own humble home on my own somewhere. But I have a rough road to travel until I get to that point.

Thank you all for *listening* to my woes. I am SO UPSET about losing Connie!! The suddenness of her passing reminds me terribly of how my sister Lesley died suddenly of  seizure in a bathroom. One day here. One day gone. I'm no I'm not the only one here to have suffered this kind of sudden loss of loved ones.


Sibling Loss / Re: Impending separation and divorce
« on: October 28, 2013, 11:19:42 AM »
Thanks so much Peggy and Doug,

Your replies are very encouraging. My husband is pushing for a quick divorce and using a mediator instead of a lawyer. There will be no quick divorce and I have a lawyer on standby, but I'll phone the mediator and see what he or she says. Everything has to be settled before he gets a divorce. At this point my grieving for this marriage is over. Something shifted in my over the weekend when I stayed away from him at a friend's place. Yes, I think he'll marry that girl in China and she'll dump him as soon as she gets into this country - Canada in this case. They would do anything over there to get to he United States or Canada! I am surprised that my husband, whom I always thought to be very intelligent, cannot see this coming. Or, perhaps he wishes to live in internet fantasy land for the rest of his life. I don't know nor do I care any more at this point.

Life is precious while we still have it. I am hoping for a kind of 'rebirth' after all of this mess is over. But it will take some time to work it all out. While I'm in the midst of it I liken myself to being in battle defense and offense mode. I won't come out of this unscathed. No-one does, but I'm determined to get through this somehow - even if I end up living in a room somewhere at the end of it. Lesley lived in rooms for years and she was a real tough survivor even though she died so suddenly and tragically. I am learning from her!


Sibling Loss / Re: Impending separation and divorce
« on: October 24, 2013, 01:55:45 PM »
Yes Peggy: I am starting to feel afraid of him. I never thought that could ever happen but all my instincts are on alert. I'll be speaking with a lawyer tomorrow morning and I'll most likely retain her if the vibes are ok. (Otherwise I'll find another lawyer pronto!) Yes, I sense that he feels things 'closing in on him' re divorce etc and the reality of him having to actually get out there and WORK. (He's going for his real estate thing which will take some courses - most likely online - and will take some time). His moods are unpredictable and volatile. He has not hurt me bodily yet but has threatened me. I know that I'm not supposed to leave the matrimonial home so this is a real quandary for me. I will talk with my lawyer tomorrow. Frankly, at this point, I don't care if I'm totally broke after all of this is over.

But the other side of this are all my AA friends and a few 'normy' friends that I have too. Right now I need places to stay -especially on the weekends. So I'm staying with an AA friend this weekend. They are all so wonderful!! I only hope that I can give back what I have so much received some day - and that includes with you folks here. I am not drinking but smoking like a chimney and finding it hard to eat.



Sibling Loss / Impending separation and divorce
« on: October 24, 2013, 12:53:27 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I haven't been around much because I am heading into separation and divorce from my husband. There's no doubt he wants to marry this internet girl in China and dump me. I'm seeing a lawyer that I'll probably retain tomorrow. He'll not get his 'quicki' divorce from me! We have properties and finances to sort out. the absolutely WORST part of all of this is having to live in the same house with him. It's absolutely terrible. I don't feel safe in the same house any more with him as his moods are volatile and he's told me to f-off more than once. Yelling etc. I'm going to get legal advice about that as well.

I know this topic is not about losing a loved one, but actually it is. I lost my sister Lesley four years ago now and am still very much grieving her loss. Being in this perpetual state of grief makes it harder for me to deal with the horrible slings and arrows that life continues to throw me (and indeed, no-one is exempt from that of course). For me this is really bad - this break up of a 27 year marriage and having to live with a man I no longer know. I am suffering another kind of death - the death of a marriage. The death of love. The death of my trust for him. The death of my feeling safe with him. The death of having a real home to go to. The death of my life as I knew it. There's so many kinds of death so I hope you don't mind me writing about all of this.

I've missed you all!


Sibling Loss / Re: Jolene's Angel Date ((Gail))
« on: October 24, 2013, 12:47:13 PM »
Hi Gail,

I'm so sorry I missed Jolene's Angel Date. I hope you're doing all right and have the support of loved ones and friends surrounding you during this most difficult time of year.



Sibling Loss / Re: I have a question
« on: September 27, 2013, 01:43:04 PM »
Hi Gail,

I've had quite a few dreams about my sister Lesley and in some of them she was absolutely horrific. She appeared as an angry fiend who kept cornering me in a subway train once. She was nothing like the Lesley I knew in that dream. In other dreams she appeared angelic and ethereal. In other's she mocked me and asked me disturbing questions. What I think all this  - those odd dreams I had about Lesley where she appeared nothing like she was in life - was my own subconscious mind coming up with images of Lesley based on my OWN REGRETS AND FEARS and GUILT. Regrets that Lesley died so young and tragically. Regrets and guilt that I didn't do more for her when she was alive. Fear of death. Fear of her wanting revenge upon me for how I let her down in life. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what she's become after death. What really happens after death anyway? We can never know while we're alive. Not really. So, those kinds of powerful emotions in me, fear, guilt and regret, caused my mind to come up with some pretty wild dreams and images of Lesley. That's my conclusion. I think that the real Lesley - her soul - is somewhere very far away from all of that - 'that' being what's in my head.

Our minds are powerful entities - especially when it comes to dreaming. These are just my thoughts of course.

Take care Gail and thank you for your encouraging post to me regarding Lesley's birthday just past. It's good to keep in touch!



Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Birthday ((Helene))
« on: September 26, 2013, 11:23:41 AM »
Hey Peggy,

Thanks for that! I always really appreciate what you say. I'm starting to look into the legal and financial aspects of all of this. We have no children but the financial/property side of things is not simple. If we have to split everything I'll still have my job (God willing) and it's a good solid job. My husband, who hasn't bothered to work for some years now (unless you consider collecting rent from a few tenants once a month a 'job') - will have to drive taxi.

There was a time I was very clingy to him due to abandonment issues from my own childhood. Now I want nothing more to do with him and can't wait to strike out on my own! It's taken me a LONG time to become an truly independent woman and I'm still struggling with that. One good thing that has come out of my husband's betrayal is that I have FINALLY  emotionally broken free of him! He's been nothing but an albatross around my neck for years now.

So I guess there's no grief going on here regarding my marriage. Just a desire to have it done with and that's not going to happen over night. Underlying all this is a deep sadness about the loss of my sister Lesley and it being her birthday time of year. I don't think that sadness will ever go away.

Thank you for being here and listening to me.


Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Birthday ((Helene))
« on: September 26, 2013, 07:33:47 AM »
Thank you Peggy. I have missed everyone here. You are one of my dear families of friends! Last night I walked down to the waterfront at dusk and lit a candle in Lesley's memory. I did this by myself and there was no wind so it was easy to light the candle. I sat on the grass looking at the water which was like glass and then down at the candle and I said a prayer for Lesley. Just as I did the candle flickered wildly for a few seconds, nearly going out, and then, a few seconds later it serenely went back to its previous glowing. Odd! I think Lesley was there!

Life is SO DIFFICULT right now! This morning my husband tried to make me feel guilty for deciding not to go with him to his brother's birthday celebration this weekend. I lashed out at my husband and told him to back off or I'd have some fun telling his family some things about him. That shut my husband up. I guess I'm not in the best of humor these days. Being married to a man who had betrayed me kind of makes me like that I guess. I am doing everything possible to stay away from him these days. Unfortunately I don't have the right to kick him out of the matrimonial house. I sure wish I could.


Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Birthday ((Helene))
« on: September 25, 2013, 01:02:48 PM »
Thank you Doug,

I have to say that I am fighting major depression due to my husband finally admitting to his infidelity and that he's been unfaithful to me for nearly a year now. A HUGE part of my life - 26 years of marriage and 27 together - has just died. I am not even grieving yet. I'm in shock with wave after nauseous wave passing over me.

As the Beatle song goes..."with a little help from my friends" - I will survive this but it's bloody hard and I'm profoundly tired. I do have a lot of support where I live with AA and other people and I know you all care here at Webhealing as well.


Sibling Loss / Re: Lesley's Birthday ((Helene))
« on: September 25, 2013, 06:30:42 AM »
Thank you Terry for remembering me and remembering Lesley. Yes, she would have been age 59 today. I do have many precious memories of her but all of this still hurts me very very much. It's difficult for me not to cry as I write this. I feel extremely exhausted and depressed by what's going on in my marriage anyway. (He's admitted to infidelity through the internet and with someone in person when he recently went to China.) Lesley had a sweetness about her that I fondly remember that counteracts all this sordidness re my husband in my life right now. She had a kind of innocence about her even though she was extremely smart. Her angelic soul always shone through and I don't see that in some other people I know.

Thanks again for thinking of me. I'll try to keep in touch more often here. Times are difficult for me these days.


Sibling Loss / Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« on: September 07, 2013, 08:00:19 AM »
Hi Doug,

Ya, I'm not sure how much I've lost but I'm down three sizes and perhaps four now because the pair of jeans I bought a week ago are loose. My friends in AA and trying to feed me! Actually I can eat a little better when I'm around people I can trust and people I feel comfortable with. I'm forcing myself to eat a yogurt now and I'm supposed to have dinner with my AA sponsor and her husband later. I feel like a little kid these days with all these people taking care of my while my marriage falls apart.

Doug, I'm glad you're feeling better these days than you were. It's hard to take care of ourselves in the midst of crisis and grief. And - YES - I'm grieving these days - for the crumbling apart of a 26 year marriage with a man I loved and thought I knew. How much can you ever 'know' another person anyway? People can hide the darkest aspects of themselves very well.

Take good care of yourself Doug and I will try to do the same.


Sibling Loss / Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« on: September 06, 2013, 12:03:35 PM »
Thank you everyone. I'm sure at this point it's all fantasy for him. He's leaving for China on Monday. I have no control over what he will do or what will happen to him there.

I will not lose my sobriety over this. I do have a lot of support in this town and I know I have all your support here at Webhealing. Time on my own without my husband will help me to think things through and get advice from different people.

Part of my problem right now is that I find if very difficult to eat anything. I have to force myself to eat.

I'll keep in touch with you all in this next while.

Thank you again for all your caring and concern!


Sibling Loss / Re: Marriage on the Rocks
« on: September 06, 2013, 06:20:57 AM »
I can't tell you the extent of why I'm upset about what my husband is doing. It is too horrible to say. Worse than I could have ever imagined. I could have even handled it if he were interested in another woman or another man.

I am suffering grief of the end of a 27  year relationship. A relationship I know has to end. On top of that Lesley's birthday quickly approaches. September is a terrible month for me and none more terrible than this one I can tell you.

Thank you for being there for me. I suffered a nervous collapse the other day and since then I can hardly eat. I'm thin anyway so this isn't good. I do have support and I am reaching out all over the place in desperation including here.

Grief is grief is grief.


Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 41