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Messages - helene

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Sibling Loss / Lesley
« on: July 10, 2014, 04:33:30 PM »
Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry I haven't been around for so long now. I've missed you all very much. I've been depressed and it's hard to stay in touch with people when you're depressed. At least I'm finding that out. Today marks four years since Lesley died. It's really hard to believe that but it's true. And I'm still not divorced. In fact the entire process is stalled.

I feel like my life is stalled. First there was the shock and grief of losing Lesley and then the betrayal of my husband for some internet prostitute and him driving me out of my own home.

Well, I am blessed with some very good friends in this town. And I know you're my friends here at Webhealing. So much of my life was tied up with Lesley and my ex-husband Barry. Now they're both gone. One is dead and the other is metaphorically dead to me. I know I'm better off without the latter, but I still suffer from the loss. And as for Lesley, I'll never get over losing her. How does one really? One just goes on living somehow.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing ok. I'm going to really try and keep in touch better here. I used to be such a good letter writer and good at staying in touch here too. And then my marriage exploded and I haven't really been the same since. Not having my own place to live really wears thin after  while too and it's been 8 months for me now. I find it difficult to learn how to live my own life because so much of it was tied up with him. We never had children, but it was still 27 years together. I also mourn my two cats because I never see them. I was visiting the house and the cats while he got out, but the place looks like hell (he's not keeping it up and the cats are suffering shell-shock) and it's just too depressing for me to go over there any more. He lives like a squatter in there, in a disgusting mess. No job. He just pisses around on the internet with his sex sites all day. It's absolutely repulsive.

Ok, I've gone on long enough. I'll shut up now.


Grief not related to deaths / Re: A Dream
« on: February 06, 2014, 07:36:43 AM »
Thank you Doug. I woke up feeling rather strange. Happy that I have so many friends in my life now. I am truly blessed that way! But sad at the symbolism in that dream regarding my ex husband. He is not doing well and there's nothing I can do about that. Even though I have not seen him in person in over two months now, one of my colleagues ran into him at a grocery story and a friend of mine drove past our house and saw him sitting at the front bay windows of our house on the computer. (He's always on the computer.) They say he's aged ten years and is gaunt and grey and doesn't look well at all. My ex was already a bitter and lonely man during our marriage and we had many good talks together. Now he's got no one to really talk with. The few friends we had as a couple were not close friends. He is really isolated and although I worry about him there's nothing I can do. And, I worry about myself and what my ex is scheming behind my back re the particulars of this separation and divorce. This entire situation is sad in the midst of some real blossoming friendships for me. This dichotomy in my life leaves me feeling overwhelmed with various emotions. Grief is a part of all of this as I keep revisiting something that, only 1/2 year ago even, I thought was a permanent thing and now it's lost forever: my marriage of 27 years. I'm living in some kind of never-never land these days and again I say, grief is a part of that.


Grief not related to deaths / Re: Poem to My Ex
« on: February 05, 2014, 08:45:32 AM »
Thanks Peggy, Terry and Doug and everyone else who read my poem.

I do need 'closure' on this and I'm already doing that even though the legal part of this separation and divorce is far from being over. In my heart and soul our relationship is long since finished. Strange how that had come to be when even a year ago I could never have foreseen this happening.


Grief not related to deaths / A Dream
« on: February 05, 2014, 08:43:13 AM »
Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd share something else with you. Last night I dreamt about my ex. (I consider my 'husband' as being my ex at this point as I haven't lived with him since October of 2013 and I was away half of that month as well. Last night I had the following dream:

I was in a large room full of people. There was a real festive atmosphere and gradually I realized that these people were all of my friends, many from AA that I've met in the past year, but not all of them. We were all engaged in intense but fun conversations when suddenly my ex appeared at the door looking decidedly sullen. He was holding something in his hand. "I've got a bomb!", he declared glaring at everyone and especially at me, "You're all going to die!" At first I panicked but then I noticed that all my friends were exiting the room out of another door and they beckoned me to follow them. So I did leaving my ex standing alone in this large room with his bomb. That was my dream.


« on: January 30, 2014, 02:25:50 PM »
Hi Sally,

I am so sorry you are going through this and that those Baptist ladies that you work with said what they did. They believe in God a certain way that to me is very black and white and not the image of the Divine God that, as you say, is full of love and compassion for us in our suffering and grief. Those ladies no doubt mean well, but they end up doing harm to you (and no doubt to others who are grieving too) instead. I doubt that, even if you told them how upset you are, they would ever understand. I think they are too set in their ways and ridged beliefs. It is unfortunate that you are stuck working with them. You could say next time, if they raise the topic again, that you wish not to talk about it right now and would appreciate it if they respect your wishes. In the mean time, do you have some close family or friends with whom you could really talk with and feel comfortable with sharing your true feelings with? True friends and family can really help when you are confronted with unhelpful/harmful people in your life when you are in the midst of so much grief. You have every right to feel your grief and have good, caring support in your life, especially after so much loss in your life and you being under the pressure of taking care of your ailing mother-in-law.

With caring,


PS I lost my older sister Lesley in 2010 and have lost other dear people in my life since then. I often post on the sibling loss board.

Grief not related to deaths / Re: Separation & Divorce
« on: January 30, 2014, 02:06:50 PM »
Hi Doug and Terry and Everyone,

Thank you for your encouragement and support. I didn't think I was grieving the end of this marriage but I think the poem I wrote today says that I am grieving. Sometimes it's hard to tell as I think I'm still in shock. Things haven't moved along much regarding the legal aspect of things as he's only just retained a lawyer and we're waiting for a response from his lawyer to my lawyer. (This is already starting to remind me of Dicken's Jarndyce & Jarndyce from Bleak House, or Kramer vs Kramer!) Anyhow, I am further along emotionally through a LOT of help from my friends, both here and where I live and through this 'divorce course' I'm taking based on the book: Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti. Tonight is my third night and I am finding this course very helpful. Between classes we are encouraged to make friends with others in the class (but not to form love relationships - which, the latter, is the farthest thing from my mind right now anyway!!!) Friends are very, very important in the grieving process, whether that grief be for a deceased loved one or other kinds of grief like divorce. I still have no idea where I'll even be living after February or where this divorce will take me. Thank you for being here for me.


Grief not related to deaths / Poem to My Ex
« on: January 30, 2014, 11:32:40 AM »

I raise a metaphorical glass,
To my memory of you,
My karmic debt now paid,
My future stretched out like a giant cat,
Luring me away, forever away,
From you and your China-dream,
With passionate promises of my own chimeric alchemy,
Into someone you've never met,
Nor ever will.
Our years morphed into dissipation,
Mocking who we were and why,
Spewing forth surreal selves,
In separate stratospheric journeys,
Helpless to the wanton wailing of our fates,
Siren's soliloquy,
Bewitches and beguiles,
You to foreign shores and me to horizons yet unknown.
I bow to your faded sepia image,
Branded to my brain,
Tip my mad-hatter in final salute,
To a life I thought was forever,
Until time laughed it all away,
Play the Trumpet Voluntary to all that was,
Our loquacious ghosts still mingling,
While fate's far-reaching touch,
Lures us ever outwards,
Never to meet again.
Adieu! Adieu!

by Helene.
Written January 30, 2014

(First new poem written in over a year. Some of you may remember all the crazy poetry I've posted on here or at least some of it!)

Grief not related to deaths / Separation & Divorce
« on: January 16, 2014, 09:03:34 AM »
Hello Everyone. Sorry I haven't been here in awhile. Things have been nuts since last August when my marriage blew up and I found out that my husband was addicted to the internet and had traveled to China twice to meet a young woman (who could be his daughter and almost his granddaughter) he met on the internet. I haven't lived in my matrimonial home since the beginning of November because my ex became increasingly vitriolic and volatile towards me both verbally and physically culminating in an assault by him against me in mid November on a public street down town. I lived at my neighbor's place (given her $ as I'm not a free-loader) for November and most of December but things got tense with her as she become increasingly autocratic demanding 'progress reports' from me every day when I came back to her place from work to the point of me being filled with agitation. Then, I moved out of her place and house sat for a friend over the Christmas and New Year, storing six boxes of clothes, plus my 1792 Italian violin and private papers in the archives vault  - with a bank combination vault door - at work in the basement!). After the holidays I had no-where to go so I ended up at this woman's shelter downtown and was stuffed into a room with two other women, one of them a drug user and prostitute who tried to steal my purse forcing me to sleep with my purse under the blankets with me. I survived there a week becoming increasingly more and more distressed (this on top of a full time job) until another girlfriend took pity on me and I'm staying in her bachelorette apartment for January and hopefully for February and by then things will hopefully have moved on enough with the legalities of separation and divorce that I'll know better where I stand.

In the meantime I was scared for quite some time to even retain a lawyer because my ex threatened me not to. But I did retain one in late December and we had our first meeting on January 3 of this year. Her name is Jeanette and she's one tough and strong woman. (Wish I could be more like her!) She told me to do four things that freaked me out and I thought I could never find the courage to do them: a a) get 3 realtors to valuate our two properties (but how would I get my violent ex out of the house to do that?!), b) go to the police and file a report on what my ex did to me downtown (he chased me up the street, yelled "I'll kill  you!", backed me up in to someone's yard, grabbed me, shook  me, shoved me, threatened me some more etc). So file a report with the police and have the police officer visit my ex at the house and warn him not to see me in person unless accompanied by lawyers,  (and how could I ever do that?! Wouldn't that make him even more violent?!), c)  open two new bank  accounts of my own at a separate bank  and put most of our available home credit line into that account after clearing more of it out of our joint account (but how could I do that?! That will make my ex go really ballistic and make him potentially violent against me again! Even though he's already taken nearly $6,000 out of the credit line for this two trips to China), and d)  get my automatic pay check deposit diverted from the joint account with my ex to my own account at my own separate bank. (But again that will cause my ex to blow etc!)   I was really afraid to do all those things, but now I've  don't them all 'm tired of being afraid all the time and how crippling that is. So at this point all those things have been done and yesterday my lawyer sent a letter by courier to my ex at our house advising him that I've retained her and that he's got until January 29 to get himself a lawyer and fill out the necessary financial forms or do it on his own. She's also talking about doing a 'forensic audit' on him because I know he's taking at least $1,000 of our rental income for himself because I"ve done the math. I gave my ex two financial statements that I made up for Nov and Dec 2013 showing the shortfall of the $1,000 each month and he took the statement saying he'd get back to me and he never did. So it's via lawyers from here on in.

Needless to say I'm stressed. Have gone from a size 14 (that I was last spring) down to a size 8 and I'm 5'8" tall so I'm looking rather bean-pole-ish these days. I went through a lot of grief and feelings of loss during the summer months, the fall and through the Christmas holidays. But I've switched into 'kick-butt-mode at this point. I'm starting this course called 'Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends' by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti that goes for 11 weeks every Thurs night from 6:30 to 9:00. This, on top of all the lawyer stuff, full-time work, moving around all over the place, and at least 5 AA meetings a week and keeping in close contact with my sponsor. I am blessed to have many new friends that I met in AA, some of them really close at this point. I never had women friends I could get together with and really talk with and share before AA.

Thanks for reading this long tome. I thought I better update folks here and get back on board keeping in touch with you all.


Sibling Loss / Re: So numb with pain
« on: January 16, 2014, 08:40:20 AM »
Hi Gail,

I'm sorry I haven't been here for so long! I've missed you and others here at Webhealing. I too feel for you with the pain you went through over the holidays missing Jolene. I agree with what others have said here: holidays can and often are excruciating for those who have lost loved ones. I do hope that you are feeling somewhat better now that the holidays are over and 'normal' day-to-day life with all its demands can sometimes be a help, adding more structure to our lives than over the holidays. The grief and pain goes on and on I know. I am still very much grieving the loss of my sister Lesley, my Dad before her, the loss of my Uncle Basil after her, and now the loss of my marriage (my ex-husband isn't dead but he is dead to me as my husband). Life keeps going on flinging its slings and arrows at us. For me, I am blessed to have some extremely wonderful friends. Without them, I would not be alive today. This divorce and what my ex did to me would have killed me. No exaggeration. Hang on to those who love and support you Gail. It was difficult for me to learn how to accept the love and support people have and do freely offer me but I'm learning!



Sibling Loss / Separation & Divorce
« on: January 16, 2014, 08:35:06 AM »
Hello Everyone,

I'm sorry that I haven't posted here in a long time. My life has been nuts with this separation and divorce I'm going through. I probably should post in the 'other kinds of grief' area, but since I normally post here because I lost my sister Lesley back in July of 2010, I thought I'd start here mainly to say hello to everyone and to say that I'm still alive. I am definitely getting separated and divorced and I've read that on a stress and grief factor it's up there alongside of all other kinds of death. Although I am always loathe to compare when it comes to death and losing loved ones because no two situations are alike. Grief and sorrow is what we have in common and the struggle to go on living - with all that life throws at us, the good and the bad - without our dear sister or brother or uncle or father or child or friend etc in our lives. I know that Lesley would have been very supportive and loving towards me knowing that I'm going through such a horrible time and I miss her all the time! I am reminded of her every time I am downtown because that's where she lived and I used to see her all over the place and I still go to those places she used to go. Now that I'm separated from my ex husband and no longer living in the matrimonial home I have been suffering bouts of acute loneliness and feeling the loss of Lesley and my father before her and indeed the whole gamut of *LOSS-EMOTIONS*  - resulting in feelings of distress and acute disorientation. My life continues to be difficult in other words. But I do have good friends where I live and your friendship here. And I know all of you are dealing with loss and grief and all the pain that brings too.


Child Loss / Re: My Brother
« on: November 11, 2013, 02:38:49 PM »
Hi Peggy,

I've never had a child and cannot imagine the horrendous pain of losing your only child. You have shared much wisdom with me that can only come from such a deep loss and the struggle to go on with your life. I pray you have lots of support from family and friends during this sorrowful time in with the loss of your only brother.



Child Loss / Re: My Brother
« on: November 11, 2013, 01:07:32 PM »
Hi Peggy,

I too am very sorry to hear about the loss of your dear brother. It sounds to me like he was the only brother you and your sisters had. I am glad you have close family, your sisters, with whom you can share memories of your brother with. You have been there for me so many times here at Webhealing. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you too. Thank you for sharing some of your memories of your brother with us. Your account of how your brother was there for you after all when AC died is especially poignant.

Hope you're doing ok.



Sibling Loss / Re: One who was like my sister
« on: November 09, 2013, 08:53:50 AM »
Thanks Doug and everyone,

I guess I don't really have much to say today. Where I am it's a cold, grey day. Things are very difficult for me at home with my husband and I living in different parts of the house. It feels like there's been a death in our house. After work it's like going home to a mausoleum. However, to counter that I have a friend I'm going for a drive in the country with today. As the Beatle's song goes..."with a little help from my friends". Well, for me it's a LOT of help from my friends as I tend to isolate myself in times of grief and depression but I'm making a concerted effort not to do that any more. I saw some photos on Facebook of Connie (who died suddenly last week) at work and I cried as soon as I saw them. I'm really upset about losing this wonderful, loving woman in my life! Life is so hard so much of the time, and, as I get older, I see more people die who are older than I. It's very sad and very difficult. Thanks for being here for me folks.


Sibling Loss / Re: Just Sad
« on: November 09, 2013, 08:48:18 AM »
Hi Scott,

Just to let you know I'm thinking about you too. I agree that this time of year is difficult. I miss my sister Lesley very much and during the holiday season it gets worse. One thing I tend to do in the midst of all this grieving and sadness is to isolate myself and then loneliness is added to the mix for me. I'm trying to change that habit of mine and I'm reaching out to people more for help and support, mainly some really good friends, both here and where I live. I hope you too have some good people in your life who can be there for you when the chips are down. Do take care.


Sibling Loss / Re: One who was like my sister
« on: November 07, 2013, 07:51:31 AM »
Thank you everyone. I am still in shock about Connie. I loved her so much and she was so full of life. She laughed a lot and had a deep throaty voice. She loved to cook and was good at it. She lived in a lovely old wooden house that had an upstairs balcony over looking St. John's Harbor, Newfoundland, Canada. When I visited her I loved to sit on that balcony in the evenings and watch the fog roll in over the freighters docked below. Connie was always supportive of me with my writing and painting and music, more than anyone else in my life. Her death has left a gigantic hole in my life and I feel myself falling into it. I know that Connie wouldn't want that for me, but I'm really battling depression right now what with living in the same house with this stranger holed up in another part of it who used to be my husband. Connie was very upset about all that and extremely unhappy with her cousin Barry, my husband. That was never resolved between them and Barry will have to live with that as we all have to live with a lot of things. Barry's karmic load is getting heavier all the time I'm afraid. However, I am not one to judge. I'm no saint. Just a very very sad and unhappy person right now. Thanks for being here for me. One day when I'm stronger I'll be around here more. I feel that I've been neglecting you all and I'm sorry about that.


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