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Messages - Johanna

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31
Child Loss / Re: Book forum
« on: March 08, 2007, 10:53:47 AM »
Excellent idea Tom.  There are some books that kept me sane during the first months of my grief that I would be happy to share.

Thank you for once again thinking of a way to help us.

Johanna, Micheal's mom

32
Child Loss / Re: Just sitting here thinking
« on: March 05, 2007, 05:12:37 PM »
I second what Marianne said.  And am so thankful to have you all to lean on.  I have never met any of you, yet my family knows about you and so do a few of my non-virtual friends.

Thanks to all of you for being you.
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

33
Child Loss / Re: Tanya and Jeffrey
« on: March 05, 2007, 05:07:34 PM »
Very sorry to be late... hoping you both, Nina and Kyme, felt your children around you as you struggled through thier angel day.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

34
Child Loss / Re: Another Tragedy..WARNING
« on: March 05, 2007, 05:04:47 PM »
That poor girl.  I am really struggling with the "why's" again lately and this is one more...

Sending you strength Melissa, because I know this won't be easy for you either.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

35
Child Loss / Re: Tanya's Angel date March 2nd
« on: March 05, 2007, 05:00:54 PM »
My heart goes out to you.  What a beautiful tribute, but also bitter-sweet.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

36
Child Loss / Re: Really Down Lately
« on: March 05, 2007, 04:58:52 PM »
Dottie and Don,

I wish I could reach out and give you both a big hug.  We are all good people here!!  I still don't understand why this happened to us!

I am so sorry that you are both struggling so hard lately.  I haven't been doing so well myself so I haven't been posting the past few days (or so...). 

I asked early on in this journey, that if God/The Universe/Spirit would spare my daughters some of this pain, I would gladly carry the extra burden of grief... and some days I definately get what I asked for.  They are doing very well most of the time... me, not so much.  I would not take it back, but some days the burden is more than I think I can bear.

Wishing you both comfort, peace and some small reprieve from your pain...
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

37
Child Loss / Re: LOUSY DAY:::
« on: March 05, 2007, 04:46:49 PM »
I don't know what to say Dottie, except please know that I care, I am thinking about you and I am sorry that your pain is so intense again right now. 

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

38
Child Loss / Re: Do You Ever (caution)
« on: March 05, 2007, 04:44:13 PM »
Of course that still happens Kim.  I expect it always will. 

I still cannot watch shows about hospitals. 

I cannot be anywhere near if there are people working on a roof. 

I suddenly (after 22 years of dealing with cuts, bruises, stitches, scratches and scrapes) became sensitive to the sight of blood - I become light-headed and have to sit down with my head between my knees or I faint (the closest I can come to an explanation is that Micheal still had dried blood in his ears and nose when I arrived at the hospital, and there was still a little bit of blood coming out of one ear). 

Sometimes something triggers the flashback, but sometimes it just happens without any warning or reason.  And yest, it does make it difficult to concentrate Sue.  There are times I miss entire conversations because I am back in Micheal's ICU room or the emergency room.  I have had to go back to my manager after a meeting where I am taking minutes and have her fill in sections of the meeting that I zoned out during.  Luckily she is very understanding about it.

Sometimes I think (no, I know) that I get more support here Kim, than I do from my own family.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

39
Child Loss / Re: Going Back To Work
« on: March 05, 2007, 04:31:16 PM »
LuAnn,

I was off of work for 8 months and still had a difficult time going back at first.  I was at my desk at work when I recieved the phone call from the police, so every time my phone rang my stomach would just go into knots.

I had tried to go back to work about 2 months or so after Micheal died, but I wasn't able to cope. I didn't realize at the time, but I was in severe depression.  I wasn't sleeping, I was dropping weight by the day, I still cried almost all day and I would almost throw up if the phone on my desk rang.  So they sent me back home on extended leave and told me they wanted me back, but they wanted me to take time to begin to heal first.  I was so, so fortunate.

I have been back since last September and I still have some really rough days, but most days I do ok.  And I am lucky to work with some very understanding people who understand that I will never be "back to normal" and just accept the new me.

I really hope that your boss wakes up and gives you the support you need.  Make sure that if you can, (financially and with job-security) you take all the time that you need before you take on the world again.  You deserve it.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

40
Child Loss / Re: Is it wrong?
« on: March 05, 2007, 04:18:40 PM »
No it is definately not wrong Kyme.  I have so little of Micheal's stuff. 

He left most of his stuff there when he broke up with his ex-girlfriend and moved out of thier apartment, so I have one over-filled box of odds and ends and paperwork, the series of books that he was reading before he died and some clothes and stuff. 

I gave my daughters each some of his clothes and one of his watches each.  I wear some of his sweatshirts and shirts (and a pair of his drawstring pants too Jeanne), and I have two shirts - one that smells like him dressed up and wearing "stink pretty" (that's what he called his cologne) and the other one smells like him when he came home from work - and a winter coat that still faintly smells like him.  I sleep with his army bear and his pillow, under his comforter every night, and have his photo on my bedside table to kiss and say "I love you" to every night before I turn out my light.

I also carry the little insurance slip folder from his car with his health insurance card, his driver's licence & insurance slip, his birth certificate and his business cards, around in my purse with me all of the time.

I did get the clothes he was wearing when he fell, from the hospital where he was first brought, but I didn't keep them because they were in shreds from EMS having to cut them off of him.  I could kick myself over and over and over now for not keeping them, but at the time when I got them back, I was extremely distraught and my husband thought it would be better for me not to keep looking at them.  His heart was in the right place and I understand that he didn't think it would be good for me to look at them all the time, but what I wouldn't give to be able to smell them....

So if any of you are crazy, then I guess I am certifiable... But we aren't. We are just holding tightly to every little thing that we have left of our children.  Even though it is horrible for me to feel this way about any of us in this terrible situation, I have to admit that I envy those of you who still have your children's rooms to go into... Forgive me for feeling this way - I know it's not fair, but Micheal moved out on his own about a year and a half or so before he died, so 'his room' wasn't his room anymore and all I have left are bits and pieces.

I am so sorry that we are all left grasping for little bits of comfort.  Wishing you all peace and comfort.
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

41
Child Loss / Re: Sean's Blazer, Jason and a favor to ask...
« on: February 28, 2007, 06:01:12 PM »
I'd be glad to help Penny.  I've emailed you for the information.

I wish you the very best of luck!

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

42
Child Loss / Re: Christian's Angel Date
« on: February 26, 2007, 05:06:52 PM »
Please know that even if I am unable to post tomorrow, I will be thinking of you and Christian.  I hope you can feel him all around you tomorrow.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

43
Child Loss / Re: Just sitting here thinking
« on: February 26, 2007, 04:59:50 PM »
You are right.  Nobody, not even my own family, understands the way my friends here do. 

I don't always post, but I come and read almost every day still, because you have been (and are) my greatest support system through this nightmare.  I hope that all of you know that even if I don't post, I visit you almost every day, think of you all every day and care very much about each and every one of you.

Thank you to all of you for all of your comfort, support and understanding over the past 13 months.

Much love and big hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

44
Wish I could reach out and hug you, but please know that I am thinking about you. Take good care.

Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

45
Child Loss / Re: This is all so hard
« on: February 20, 2007, 05:30:11 PM »
Oh Marianne, I understand what you are going through.  I am doing ok at the moment, but I do know that feeling of just existing... When anyone cares enough to ask, I tell them it is like living in a bubble most of the time.  One made of smokey glass... so you can sort of see through it, but everything is distorted, and you can sort of hear through it, but it's all so far away... And your emotions just sort of shut down and you become detached from the rest of the world because your heart and mind just can't take anymore.

I wish I had some profound words of wisdom, or some wonderful advise to help you through this, but I don't know how any of us are doing this... except that it's with each other's help.  I don't expect this to ever be easy, I lost my twin soul when Micheal died, and I think that for the rest of my life I will move in and out of "my bubble". 

Just do the best you can... take care of you... get some sleep (I know, easier said than done)... have a bubble bath... read a book that will help you still feel that "connection" with Alex (like "Love Never Dies" or one of John Edwards' or James VanPrahl's books), and I know this is cliche and I sort of choke when I say it, but remember that Alex loves you so much and wouldn't want you to be so unhappy...

And then maybe all of that is the wrong advise, because sometimes when I get so low that I don't want to scrape myself off of the floor, what I need to do is lock myself in a room with Micheal's pictures and Micheal's stuff, and go through it all and let myself (or make myself) cry and cry, so that's what I do.

Wishing you some comfort and some strength,
Love and hugs,
Johanna, Micheal's mom

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