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16
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: deafening silence
« on: October 21, 2012, 05:55:30 PM »
Thank you, Terry. I do understand what you said. And I've read what you wrote in other places by other people in other words. I understand it, but I don't yet know how to do it. I'm trying. I want to heal, and I know in some ways I am. But I am definitely in the one step forward and one step back phase still. I had a month long string of good days. And then a bad day came, and another, and another... And I got into busy mode again. It's exhausting, really. I'll get through this. I know. But Gawd it's hard. I'll go to group this week, and mass, and keep reading and journaling and posting and burning candles and talking with my dearly departed Eden and looking at pictures and using my devotional book, and praying... this is a lot of work.... But each and every one of those things HELPS me.
Thanks again for your reply. You spend a LOT of time and emotional energy holding the hands of people on this board. You are a compassionate and empathic soul. Bless you.
Thanks again for your reply. You spend a LOT of time and emotional energy holding the hands of people on this board. You are a compassionate and empathic soul. Bless you.
17
Spouse, Partner Loss / deafening silence
« on: October 21, 2012, 04:52:08 PM »
I have felt it since my wife died. So has Ivan, our grandson. But I couldn't define it. Now, I found the words. It came to me as I was making a private journal entry.
We used to be content and reasonably happy. If we were bored, it was no big deal. We were just bored. But NOW, when we are bored, we don't have that feeling of contentment, we are just alone with the deafening silence of grief! And we do anything and everything to keep the boredom - and grief - at bay.
Since Eden died, I have felt crappy if I wasn't busy. But I was never like that before. I used to really enjoy doing nothing. A lazy Sunday afternoon was blissful. Not now. It's gut wrenchingly painful. When I stop, when it's quiet, the pain takes over. I can't fight it off forever.
We used to be content and reasonably happy. If we were bored, it was no big deal. We were just bored. But NOW, when we are bored, we don't have that feeling of contentment, we are just alone with the deafening silence of grief! And we do anything and everything to keep the boredom - and grief - at bay.
Since Eden died, I have felt crappy if I wasn't busy. But I was never like that before. I used to really enjoy doing nothing. A lazy Sunday afternoon was blissful. Not now. It's gut wrenchingly painful. When I stop, when it's quiet, the pain takes over. I can't fight it off forever.
18
Spouse, Partner Loss / Two Words
« on: October 20, 2012, 05:49:31 PM »
I'm Lonely
No matter what I do. No matter how I fill the hours of the day. No matter whether I work, or volunteer, or go to counseling, or a group session, or a movie, or out to eat, or to mass. No matter who I spend time with. No matter how many books I read, or TV shows I watch. It just does not matter. When the rush and hustle stops, and it gets quiet, I'm lonely.
It's been nine months since Eden died. Although the good days are more often now, I've had more bad days than good. But even at the end of a really good day, it ends with me being lonely.
I went to the old trailer park where we lived for the past 17 years. The trailer park I left 13 days after my wife died. I went back to see the old trailer. It was gone. An empty lot in it's place. Barren. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. My home is gone. My wife is gone. My life as I knew it is gone.
I don't want a new normal. I want my wife and my home and my life back. But that will never happen. There is no getting over this. There is no going on and getting through it. There is just an empty hole in my chest that used to hold my heart. And I will be forever lonely.
I pray that I'm wrong. I pray I will heal. I pray I will again know joy. But for now, all I hear in my head and feel in my soul are these same two words...
I'm Lonely
No matter what I do. No matter how I fill the hours of the day. No matter whether I work, or volunteer, or go to counseling, or a group session, or a movie, or out to eat, or to mass. No matter who I spend time with. No matter how many books I read, or TV shows I watch. It just does not matter. When the rush and hustle stops, and it gets quiet, I'm lonely.
It's been nine months since Eden died. Although the good days are more often now, I've had more bad days than good. But even at the end of a really good day, it ends with me being lonely.
I went to the old trailer park where we lived for the past 17 years. The trailer park I left 13 days after my wife died. I went back to see the old trailer. It was gone. An empty lot in it's place. Barren. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. My home is gone. My wife is gone. My life as I knew it is gone.
I don't want a new normal. I want my wife and my home and my life back. But that will never happen. There is no getting over this. There is no going on and getting through it. There is just an empty hole in my chest that used to hold my heart. And I will be forever lonely.
I pray that I'm wrong. I pray I will heal. I pray I will again know joy. But for now, all I hear in my head and feel in my soul are these same two words...
I'm Lonely
19
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: A Rough Day
« on: October 11, 2012, 10:29:52 AM »
Yes, Jason, it does make sense. I had a "grief spasm" the evening of my birthday, and the next morning, it was still eating me up. So, I "embraced it" as you put it, went to mass, and instead of participating in the service, I just sat in the church my wife and I shared, and let the tears flow. I left at the end of the mass feeling drained, but it was over. I went to work and was okay.
20
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: One Year Ago....Oct 9, 2011
« on: October 10, 2012, 09:53:22 AM »
(((Andy)))
You said so well what so many of us feel. I pray for our wounds to heal, or at least hurt a little less.
You said so well what so many of us feel. I pray for our wounds to heal, or at least hurt a little less.
21
Spouse, Partner Loss / A Rough Day
« on: October 10, 2012, 09:49:39 AM »
I've been on a high lately. Lots of positive things in my life, and the pain of losing Eden was bearable for a change. And then my birthday came along. My first without my wife. And, oh my God, did that hurt. I got through our anniversary and her birthday without any big problem. But my own birthday comes along and I turn into a bowl of jello. I went to mass to try and chase away my blues, and just sat there and cried. I hope this ends soon, but I'm pretty sure it won't. I'll never again feel Eden's loving arms around me, and that loss will forever hurt.
22
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: Lou came for a visit
« on: September 30, 2012, 08:15:14 PM »
(((Lisa)))
Thanks for sharing. What a great dream. I'm not much of a dreamer, but I do believe our loved ones 'visit' us, check in on us, walk beside us, however you want to put it. I have felt my Eden almost as if she were standing next to me, or almost heard her voice. We can't get to them, and they can't get to us, but I think they can sometimes get close, if we're open to feel them. It was great that Lou came to you! What a blessing.
Thanks for sharing. What a great dream. I'm not much of a dreamer, but I do believe our loved ones 'visit' us, check in on us, walk beside us, however you want to put it. I have felt my Eden almost as if she were standing next to me, or almost heard her voice. We can't get to them, and they can't get to us, but I think they can sometimes get close, if we're open to feel them. It was great that Lou came to you! What a blessing.
23
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: The hardest day on a work day.
« on: September 30, 2012, 08:08:34 PM »
(((Chris)))
I'm sorry for the loss of your Liz. It hurts, I know. It is OKAY to feel what you feel, and those grief spasms are to be expected. Your Liz will be in every sunrise you see from now on. In time, you'll come to feel not just the pain that brings to mind, but you'll be able to feel the warmth of the sun and the sweetness of her love in the sun's rays. You said you wished you could tell her how much you love her. So, tell her. Pretend she can hear you. Tell her. It can be therapeutic, really. Go to a group session, and tell them how much you love her. And who knows, maybe she CAN hear you. I talk to my Eden all the time. And I understand a lot of people talk to thier dearly departed. I wish you blessings and peace of mind.
I'm sorry for the loss of your Liz. It hurts, I know. It is OKAY to feel what you feel, and those grief spasms are to be expected. Your Liz will be in every sunrise you see from now on. In time, you'll come to feel not just the pain that brings to mind, but you'll be able to feel the warmth of the sun and the sweetness of her love in the sun's rays. You said you wished you could tell her how much you love her. So, tell her. Pretend she can hear you. Tell her. It can be therapeutic, really. Go to a group session, and tell them how much you love her. And who knows, maybe she CAN hear you. I talk to my Eden all the time. And I understand a lot of people talk to thier dearly departed. I wish you blessings and peace of mind.
24
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: I'm a newbie
« on: September 30, 2012, 07:55:02 PM »
(((John)))
Hi, John. It's been a little while since I've visited the board, so your posts are new to me. I'm glad you found this place. When my pain got so bad I was sure I was going nuts, posting on this board was one of the first steps I took that proved to be the beginning of recovery. Listen to the advice you read here. The group members know what they're taling about. They've been where you are, and undestand, and are in a position to guide you. My own advice is the same as what you've already heard: take care of YOU, read a grief book or grief devotional, attend group or individual counseling, take baby steps. My wife died 8 months ago, and though the fog is thinner than it was, I'm still in it. Although the severity is less, I'm still in pain. My life will never be as it was. But that does not mean it will always be awful. It does get better. My own baby steps have gotten me a new part time job, a better relationship with my step daughter, a new volunteer gig with my wife's hospice agency, the pleasure of meeting good people who are supportive at group sessions, and a few rays of hope for a "new normal" that I can live with. I'd give it all up in a minute to have Eden back. But we cannot go back. We must go forward. It will take you time, but you will find your way forward, too. And Doyle will walk your new path by your side, just as Eden walks beside me. I wish you blessings and peace of mind.
Hi, John. It's been a little while since I've visited the board, so your posts are new to me. I'm glad you found this place. When my pain got so bad I was sure I was going nuts, posting on this board was one of the first steps I took that proved to be the beginning of recovery. Listen to the advice you read here. The group members know what they're taling about. They've been where you are, and undestand, and are in a position to guide you. My own advice is the same as what you've already heard: take care of YOU, read a grief book or grief devotional, attend group or individual counseling, take baby steps. My wife died 8 months ago, and though the fog is thinner than it was, I'm still in it. Although the severity is less, I'm still in pain. My life will never be as it was. But that does not mean it will always be awful. It does get better. My own baby steps have gotten me a new part time job, a better relationship with my step daughter, a new volunteer gig with my wife's hospice agency, the pleasure of meeting good people who are supportive at group sessions, and a few rays of hope for a "new normal" that I can live with. I'd give it all up in a minute to have Eden back. But we cannot go back. We must go forward. It will take you time, but you will find your way forward, too. And Doyle will walk your new path by your side, just as Eden walks beside me. I wish you blessings and peace of mind.
Quote
Watch your way then, as a cautious traveler; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" but keep to the present little inch that is before you, and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it. The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them. -M. A. Kelty
25
Spouse, Partner Loss / Live each day moving forward
« on: September 17, 2012, 09:24:45 AM »
"Remember the good times; cherish the memories, but live each day moving forward. Focus your thoughts on what is before you and how you are going to get there."
From GriefShare
http://dailyemails.griefshare.org/dailyemails/
This is hard to do, but necessary. I liked my life before Eden died. I was happy and content. It was not perfect, to be sure. It was hard in many ways. But we were good together, and good for each other. My purpose was clear; my role was clear.
Now, as I try to establish a new "normal" I find myself wishing I did not have to. I'd go back to my old normal in a heart beat. But that's impossible.
So, all I can do is trudge forward, and pray that God will be with me, and guide me. Because I'm still a bit lost and uncertain.
From GriefShare
http://dailyemails.griefshare.org/dailyemails/
This is hard to do, but necessary. I liked my life before Eden died. I was happy and content. It was not perfect, to be sure. It was hard in many ways. But we were good together, and good for each other. My purpose was clear; my role was clear.
Now, as I try to establish a new "normal" I find myself wishing I did not have to. I'd go back to my old normal in a heart beat. But that's impossible.
So, all I can do is trudge forward, and pray that God will be with me, and guide me. Because I'm still a bit lost and uncertain.
26
Spouse, Partner Loss / Taking Steps Toward Healing
« on: September 08, 2012, 08:27:32 PM »
My time on this board and in reading articles and books has helped. It has helped a LOT. To keep me focused, to keep me sane, to keep me guided in the right direction. I've taken a day at a time, and tried to be positive in the face of adversity (with almost NO success in that area). I've tried to learn from others' suggestions and experiences . And finally, I've taken some small (and big?) steps toward recovery.
I've seen a grief counselor. I've joined a support group. And in a (for me) HUGE leap of faith and sticking my neck out of my turtle shell, I have just finished orientation for volunteers at the hospice agency which cared for my wife, Eden. My volunteer hours will not be a lot, and will likely be more clerical than personal, but it's a start.
Because of all this, I've got things to do, things to look forward to, new and interesting people in my life. And I've had five days in a row when the pain has been bearable, instead of burdening. I'm able talk about Eden, and her death, and our life together, without going to pieces.
I'm not all better. I never will be. But I'm better than I was.
I've seen a grief counselor. I've joined a support group. And in a (for me) HUGE leap of faith and sticking my neck out of my turtle shell, I have just finished orientation for volunteers at the hospice agency which cared for my wife, Eden. My volunteer hours will not be a lot, and will likely be more clerical than personal, but it's a start.
Because of all this, I've got things to do, things to look forward to, new and interesting people in my life. And I've had five days in a row when the pain has been bearable, instead of burdening. I'm able talk about Eden, and her death, and our life together, without going to pieces.
I'm not all better. I never will be. But I'm better than I was.
27
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: My Beni
« on: September 07, 2012, 11:54:30 PM »
(((Jean D)))
Very nicely written. It's not often enough that we get a chance to pay tribute to our loved ones and share their story with an attentive audience. How great that you have the chance to share your Beni's legacy in such a wonderful way!
Very nicely written. It's not often enough that we get a chance to pay tribute to our loved ones and share their story with an attentive audience. How great that you have the chance to share your Beni's legacy in such a wonderful way!
28
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: New widow...suffering
« on: September 01, 2012, 11:56:51 PM »
Somehow I missed this whole thread until today. (((Pam))) I'm glad you found this site. If you've looked for places like this online, and found others, you have probably already figured out this is the best. The folks here are so supportive, understanding, and thoughtful. I hope visiting and sharing here brings you some degree of comfort, validation, and reassurance. I know it does me. Like you, I am seeking counseling and support groups. I wish for the best. Thanks for sharing your story about Rick. I wish you blessings and peace.
29
Spouse, Partner Loss / Re: MEET UP GROUPS
« on: September 01, 2012, 08:30:10 PM »
Good Lisa! I'm starting to stick my neck out, too. Hope we both some added peace. (((Lisa))) (((Me))) (((Everyone)))
30
Spouse, Partner Loss / My Grief Journey
« on: September 01, 2012, 08:26:33 PM »
Spent a lot of time today reviewing my journey during the past 7 months. I've had good days, bad days, and just downright awful days. I felt better in the beginning than I do now. But I know that's common. And I also know I'll feel better again sooner or later. I know this is going to suck for a long time, and then it will suck less. I was told this by a professional grief counselor, believe it or not. So be it. My recovery then, depends not on getting over my grief, but on learning to live with it.
Okay, so let's get on with it. I'm going to counseling, and will try a group session next week, and I plan to begin doing some hospice volunteer work soon. That volunteer work may be just clerical to start with, since I'm hardly in a position to give strength and comfort to anyone else, being a basket case still myself.
And I've put some loosely kept notes and thoughts into a blog format that I'll add to every now and then. If you want to have a peek it's at:
http://mshaynes.posterous.com/
Okay, so let's get on with it. I'm going to counseling, and will try a group session next week, and I plan to begin doing some hospice volunteer work soon. That volunteer work may be just clerical to start with, since I'm hardly in a position to give strength and comfort to anyone else, being a basket case still myself.
And I've put some loosely kept notes and thoughts into a blog format that I'll add to every now and then. If you want to have a peek it's at:
http://mshaynes.posterous.com/