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Topics - maggiesmom4life

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 :tearyeyed: I really am scared because life feels so out of control. I believe in God and I love him which is why I CANNOT believe that God has total control over everything that happens in this world. If that is the truth, which most people believe, then why would he allow my babies to be taken when the never even had a chance to live? Not just mine,  but why, if he has total power would he take any one of our children of any age before their lives should have ended? In my mind, the only explanation that I can come up with is that there are very sad, random things that happen beyond any control, beyond any explanation. Where I get my faith from and my strong belief in the love that God has for me is that he is there grieving with me when I grieve. There grieving with all of us. But he cannot stop it, or he would. It's all I can come up with. Please don't be offended and feel free to comment. It's only one person's thought. But it is a thought that scares me immensely.

Child Loss / Missing Maggie
« on: August 21, 2013, 06:35:00 PM »
 :LA:Well, It's going on 11 years this October since I lost my very wanted fertility baby. There have been many more losses before and after her, but she's the one I grieve the most probably  because I was able to hold her in my arms and kiss her, and love her, and tell her I will always miss her and I buried her and had a ceremony for her. My family has made it abundantly clear that it is time to move on and stop grieving her. After many fights, I have given in and pretended to do as they ask and act happier and move on but it's all a total lie. My insides don't match my outsides but i'm playing their game. I've tried therapy, medications, and anything else one could think of to no avail. Missing her is just going to be my life forever even if it exists only within me.

October 24, 2002
The Day Maggie Died

The clock read 12:10 and Maggie May decided  to come into this world before it was her time. This event would prove to be the end of two lives, mine and hers. Doctors said there was no chance for survival; it was too early, but Maggie fiercely disagreed with that diagnoses. Hours and hours went by and then contractions began. My little fighter hung in there like a tiny soldier at war. Finally, Maggie May, fragile and breathtakingly beautiful, made her entrance into this world despite both of our protests. She took a breath and raised her frail, emaciated arm as if to wave goodbye.

There is little doubt that my Maggie wanted to live and cling to the inside of my body where she was warm and nourished.

Neither is there any doubt that I failed her as her mother, her protector.

In the week before her birth, my back ached with the pain similar to that of an inflicted wound. The Doctor said: "Go home, you're fine" and in silence I retreated. Soon an odd tingling began low in my pelvis. "You're a nervous mom" the Doctor said "Try to enjoy your pregnancy, relax." I knew better, but like a coward, I again said "OK" and headed home.

I now know in my heart that Maggie was in distress as if she were screaming out "Mommy, please help me!" In the worst act of betreyal imaginable, I was unable to help this wonderful creature, full of innocence and beauty. As a penalty of my actions or lack of, I wonder through each day waiting to die and travel to Heaven for the great reunion.

Guilt? I face it every day. It forces me to painfully realize that there will be times in my life , though none as excrutiatingly painful as the loss of my Maggie May, that my best of intentions and all the love in the world is just flat not good enough.

Maggie will always be the love of my life, and without her here, life is not life anymore.

Thanks for listening,


Main / Mom has cancer
« on: August 17, 2009, 02:47:06 PM »
Mom has cancer.....Colon cancer. She's hurting, i'm hurting, we are hurting. Chemo is bad. It has changed her personality so much. The chemo has or the disease has. I miss her so much as if she were gone. My heart breaks as I sit here and cry. My only baby girl also passed away after she was  born too soon seven years ago. I need to fight the pain.

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