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Messages - maggiesmom4life

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Child Loss / Re: Introducing Our Precious Children
« on: January 07, 2015, 08:49:49 PM »

I'm so very sorry that your baby is not here for you to hug and hold. Please don't ever allow anyone in your life to minimize your loss just because you had a short time with your baby. Youre not only grieving the death of your baby, but also the future that you had planned. Please feel free to message me anytime. I'm Jamie.

 :tearyeyed: I really am scared because life feels so out of control. I believe in God and I love him which is why I CANNOT believe that God has total control over everything that happens in this world. If that is the truth, which most people believe, then why would he allow my babies to be taken when the never even had a chance to live? Not just mine,  but why, if he has total power would he take any one of our children of any age before their lives should have ended? In my mind, the only explanation that I can come up with is that there are very sad, random things that happen beyond any control, beyond any explanation. Where I get my faith from and my strong belief in the love that God has for me is that he is there grieving with me when I grieve. There grieving with all of us. But he cannot stop it, or he would. It's all I can come up with. Please don't be offended and feel free to comment. It's only one person's thought. But it is a thought that scares me immensely.

Child Loss / Missing Maggie
« on: August 21, 2013, 06:35:00 PM »
 :LA:Well, It's going on 11 years this October since I lost my very wanted fertility baby. There have been many more losses before and after her, but she's the one I grieve the most probably  because I was able to hold her in my arms and kiss her, and love her, and tell her I will always miss her and I buried her and had a ceremony for her. My family has made it abundantly clear that it is time to move on and stop grieving her. After many fights, I have given in and pretended to do as they ask and act happier and move on but it's all a total lie. My insides don't match my outsides but i'm playing their game. I've tried therapy, medications, and anything else one could think of to no avail. Missing her is just going to be my life forever even if it exists only within me.

October 24, 2002
The Day Maggie Died

The clock read 12:10 and Maggie May decided  to come into this world before it was her time. This event would prove to be the end of two lives, mine and hers. Doctors said there was no chance for survival; it was too early, but Maggie fiercely disagreed with that diagnoses. Hours and hours went by and then contractions began. My little fighter hung in there like a tiny soldier at war. Finally, Maggie May, fragile and breathtakingly beautiful, made her entrance into this world despite both of our protests. She took a breath and raised her frail, emaciated arm as if to wave goodbye.

There is little doubt that my Maggie wanted to live and cling to the inside of my body where she was warm and nourished.

Neither is there any doubt that I failed her as her mother, her protector.

In the week before her birth, my back ached with the pain similar to that of an inflicted wound. The Doctor said: "Go home, you're fine" and in silence I retreated. Soon an odd tingling began low in my pelvis. "You're a nervous mom" the Doctor said "Try to enjoy your pregnancy, relax." I knew better, but like a coward, I again said "OK" and headed home.

I now know in my heart that Maggie was in distress as if she were screaming out "Mommy, please help me!" In the worst act of betreyal imaginable, I was unable to help this wonderful creature, full of innocence and beauty. As a penalty of my actions or lack of, I wonder through each day waiting to die and travel to Heaven for the great reunion.

Guilt? I face it every day. It forces me to painfully realize that there will be times in my life , though none as excrutiatingly painful as the loss of my Maggie May, that my best of intentions and all the love in the world is just flat not good enough.

Maggie will always be the love of my life, and without her here, life is not life anymore.

Thanks for listening,


Main / Mom has cancer
« on: August 17, 2009, 02:47:06 PM »
Mom has cancer.....Colon cancer. She's hurting, i'm hurting, we are hurting. Chemo is bad. It has changed her personality so much. The chemo has or the disease has. I miss her so much as if she were gone. My heart breaks as I sit here and cry. My only baby girl also passed away after she was  born too soon seven years ago. I need to fight the pain.

Child Loss / Re: Want to share a tiny tender memory?
« on: July 31, 2009, 01:11:56 PM »
There is but one memory of Maggie May to share as she was born too soon to stay on this earth. I know I walk a different journey because of this reason but we are all still united as one as to bury a child is a club that nobody ever wants to be a part of.

I remember waking up in the hospital on that cold, hard bed in 2001 to an infertility doctor telling me that we would'nt have a baby without In Vitro Fertilization, a very grim prospect to two young married people, who were not financially set and could not afford a procedure that in our doctor's words "would cost as much as a shiny new Buick". My tubes were completely blocked on both sides in the worst of possible places. In addition, my husband's fertility was impacted by cancer treatments. Saddened and fearing that I would never be a mommy, I was released later that day. After many tears and lots of hard work, I found a surgeon who would be willing to try to surgically fix the problem with an understanding of a slim chance of success. Again, I awoke in the hospital. This time with a tiny pinch of hope. Two months later we were pregnant with our Maggie May. The next months were among the best in my life. My tiny baby fluttered around making herself known and very quickly attatching herself to my soul. Grandparents got excited. Ultrasound images gave us sneak peaks at our miracle in the works.  Sadly, October 24, 2002, Maggie May was born too soon to survive. We held our miracle in our hands and said goodbye. I studied her delicate little features until I was sure they would never be erased from my mind. I counted each finger and toe and kissed her tiny forehead. Her daddy held our little miracle and my mind noted that she was so small her little legs hung barely past the wrists of his large hands. His tears fell upon her as he said goodbye. This day would prove to be the worst and best day of my life. In tears as I write this, I thank God for sending me the miracle of Maggie May. I thank him for allowing us to conquer all and experience life outside of our own, to know an unconditional love not known to us before, to come to know our own little miracle in the works, our fighter, Maggie May Dawson. May she rest in peace until we can hold her again. We love you baby.

Child Loss / Re: Do you believe?
« on: December 20, 2006, 08:01:12 PM »
I do believe. It's strange, though, how my beliefs have changed following our losses. I used to believe very traditionally that God has control over everything, that he solely chooses who dies and who gets sick and who gets hurt. I have to believe that there must be certain things, certain illnesses and tradgedies that God cannot control, that some things happen beyond all control. I no longer believe that God can prevent death or illness. I guess that's why statements such as "God needed another angel in Heaven" bother me so much. I just cant believe in a God that would take our children and watch us suffer. At first, these thoughts made me feel real insecure about the world and sometimes, truthfully, they still do. I do, however, see God and feel him every day. I see him in the love of people who reach out with kindness (like all of you), I see him a child's smile or laugh, I feel him in the sunshine on warm days. I see him in the few people who are still willing to share tears with me or try to hold my hand.

Child Loss / Re: Do you believe?
« on: December 19, 2006, 08:26:02 PM »

Do you believe in life and love,
That angels dance with our loved ones above?
Do you believe in hopes and dreams,
That things are not always exactly as they seem?
Do you believe in a world beyond here,
Where happiness is a rule and no one sheds a tear?
Do you believe in peace and serenity too,
Where the young stay young and the old become new?
Do you believe in beauty  that beams from the heart
When you know you’re loved form the very start.
Do you believe in a wonderful place like this,
Where the wonders of God never cease to exist?
Do you believe?

 Written in memory of Maggie May Dawson by her mom, Jamie Dawson

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