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Messages - theFireballKid

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Main / Re: All gone...
« on: May 18, 2010, 09:52:08 AM »
Thanks jaxsaint/Sara Ann.

I still think back to when my father died. He was in the car with his then girlfriend, and while they were going home after work, she flipped the car over, instantly killing my father.  To this day I can't believe what happened...

Last August, my sister who felt like no one was there for her decided the only course of action to take was to end her life...  As an older brother, I felt that I should have been there for her during this dark period. And now I feel like taking my own life as well now.

I've had many people tell me, "Just forget it. Move on. Think about Africa...." My own then-best friend said to me as well. This alone is enough to tell me why there are those out there who commit suicide (suicide ranks higher than homicide).

I don't believe I will ever heal from this. And I believe now that my own life will be taken eventually (whether it's someone else or myself). Living this life is becoming so difficult now.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: May 14, 2010, 10:34:42 AM »
Every thing reminds of my parents and my sister. Last night, I was reflecting on how much I miss them and the thought that I will never see them again...

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: May 13, 2010, 08:23:30 PM »
im ready to givre u

Main / Re: Adult Orphan
« on: May 12, 2010, 06:01:13 PM »
I lost my mother, father and sister within past 6 years (sister last year).... Became an orphan after dad passed 4 years ago. Currently 23.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: May 03, 2010, 07:01:31 AM »
hey daddy's girl,

thanks for sharing your story, it's good to hear from you. I've been thinking, I cant shake what's already stuck in my head.  I still think about "that day" and what I could/should have done...

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 21, 2010, 07:07:12 PM »
thanks lauren, happy to hear from you.

i feel like jumping off a bldg. i decided to drink myseelf to sleep tonight

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 21, 2010, 06:08:46 PM »
Tomorrow is my little sister's birthday. Tonight I binge.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 20, 2010, 07:16:20 AM »
Thank you Mike, Terry, Lauren and daddy's girl.

Although this place may only be an anonymous forum board, it still helps to know there are some people who will listen. It's pretty sad that my own friends can't do the same (don't know where they are).

I have some good days, some bad days and some over-the-edge days. Everyday I think about what has happened to me: growing up, being a teenage and these past few years. And every time I think about it, it makes me depressed, especially knowing that some of this I could have possibly prevented. I really don't know what I'm living for anymore....  I live with so much regret and pain, that my only answer to relieving this is by opening up the liquor stash.

When my sister was here, I vowed never to give up, to fight for what I believed in; I promised a great life for myself and for my sister. Without her and without my parents, I'm lost. Empty. And to be honest, I'm not afraid to go at this point - and I don't want people to be sad over this when the day arrives.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 19, 2010, 07:26:59 AM »
Status today:

Been feeling very nervous lately. Questioning if I should quit my job soon. Why did things have to turn out this way?

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 19, 2010, 07:25:24 AM »
Dear fireball;
Yeah, you copied my quote and called it cliche', and that hurt me right back.
I have had multiple losses, and I guess I was just offerring you some friendship in this lonely grief- filled existence.

At the time I wrote the post, I was angry. Apologize if you were offended but nowadays, that is all I feel...anger. It's hard to go by these cliches knowing that none of it matters when one sees all their loved ones die in front of their eyes.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 15, 2010, 05:40:57 PM »
Thanks daddys_girl.

Funny, I never thought I would smoke, but here I am now smoking. I just don't see the point in a meaningful and rich life anymore. The only person I have now is my girlfriend, who I cannot share my feelings with.

A couple months back there were moments where I was ready to end this miserable shit life (I still think about it). I won't say that life's unfair...but it sure is f*cked up. I really don't see myself getting past my 30's at this point.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 15, 2010, 07:07:38 AM »
Dear fireballkid;
     I am sorry for your losses, and the deep sorrow since last August. The most important thing is to remember that nothing was your fault, there was no controlling these experiences from your end.
Why do you have to live a lonely existence with many losses, and try to create an identity that is hopeful, I don't know- just remember there are others feeling this way too. It won't take it away or fix it, but I'm hoping it gives you a drop of strength in this grief. Sorry.

Honestly, I hate these [expletive] quotes. There are others who are feeling the same kind of feelings that I am? So you are telling me I should not feel so sad/angry/upset because I should assume others have it just as bad as me or worse? This is the kind of stuff that makes people commit suicide, because it shows that people who assume this don't care about them. Some of my ex-friends, who also said this to me, I decided to forget them. Couple months ago I almost ended my own life.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 15, 2010, 07:02:25 AM »
Everyday continues to feel worse than the day before it. I'm reminded everyday of what has happened. Funny how the only people (or person) who listen are those from an anonymous forum board.

I'm considering at the moment of joining the marines (and quitting my current corporate finance role).

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 09, 2010, 06:50:45 AM »
In all honesty, your posts (although in good faith) make me upset and angry. You treat my situation as if it is similar to all others, but in fact, my situation is not the same as many others. In five years, I lost my entire family; and with everyone in my family, I treated them in a way that most would have killed themselves already for. I grew up in both a physically and emotionally abusive household, living day by day with fear. As the older I got, the more I became angry. With that, it eventually escalated out of control.

The funny thing is, I told myself exactly what you stated below, "Make today a day to take one step forward". I told myself this everyday after my mother, then my father (who I hadn't even moved on yet from). I used school as a means to block out all the sh*t that has happened in my life. But now with my sister, who also felt that life betrayed her, all this "make change" nonsense makes no difference anymore.

Main / Re: All gone...
« on: April 08, 2010, 07:21:07 PM »
I just want to go away. I try forgetting, but guilt is unbearable at times. Maybe if I had lost people due to cancer, it wouldnt be so bad... But when Im the one in the hospital room deciding the fate of my mother, and the thought that I caused so much trouble for her, the pain hurts a lot.

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